Today was ok- always busy from the start! But nothing new ❤️❤️❤️
I am REALLY hoping people didn’t mess it up with Super Bowl things 🤨 🙏🙏🙏 please let us be ok 🙏🙏🙏
Ok well over next few weeks we will see what happens 😮 I am nervous – so we gonna see
I dealt with so many things my head spins
I had to order some crucifixes … Catholic ones – I ordered wrong ones – I got elaborate beautiful big ones – by accident – it did not look that size on the computer lol ….omg they came so big!!!
Online looked like what I needed – what I got is really big!!! 😮😮😮
I also ordered some cards to send out for outreach… those also came… those are very tiny lol … online they looked bigger lol … wtfh!! They are really really tiny!!! Teeny tiny little cards lol – what?
So I sucked at ordering (at least those videos made me laugh lol)
Ok so objects on my computer screen may or may not be huge or tiny 🤨 surprise surprise lol
I did check out the dimensions at least for the crucifixes (so that did not go well for me … but I did not check out the size on the cards, because I assumed (🤨) it was the size of a NORMAL card!!! They were not lol
Whatever – I hate shopping for the funeral home!! It’s not even fun. It is funny though when my order comes in completely wrong like that – cause what???
Whatever – it was Monday – something had to happen.
I stumbled on this cute little song – it was the photo that drew me to it and then I liked it lol ❤️ it’s soothing kinda
Alright well, today I was getting ready and prepared for the week… with meals and everything cleaned… I have all my supplies …
Cause once Monday comes – here we go!! It’s like climbing up that roller coaster Sunday night… and then Monday morning freefalling 😮🤨 Mondays are scary!
I always think that… ok here comes Monday – I got this… and then that just depends. I pray I got this!!! 🙏 Monday’s make my stomach turn 😝 and again all week long with funerals!!!
I have Friday off again because I have Lawyer stuff. Bleh – but I am thankful for them – I feel safe with them at least ❤️ they do actually care ❤️
I watched this today which was really cool if you actually watch it or care lol ✌️😘… I am documentary person, so ya know whatever …
Just interesting because I deal with all that – we order Batesville Caskets – they are fast! Most of the time – although Nor Easters kinda slow it down a little ✌️lol
But that’s a really cool documentary of the history of all my stuff lol ❤️
… when I was little … around 4 and 5… lol … I would wake up at the crack of Dawn … go downstairs and gets boxes of Cheerios or fruit loops or whatever – usually Cheerios …
And then I would go to the family room, turn on the tv and wait for all my Saturday morning cartoons lol
Before Cartoon Network and Nickelodeon – cartoons weren’t as easy to come by and Saturday morning was like cartoon Christmas every weekend lol ❤️✌️
Anyway… my parents would sleep in on the weekends lol … one day one kid came over (neighborhood kid) I let her in and we watch cartoons together … and another came … lol … well I had seen my parents let all their friends in… so I also lived there lol… I figured it would be fine lol
When they got up that morning I had a family room of all the neighborhood kids lol 😄
That didn’t go over really well lol – so I wasn’t allowed to do that – but these cartoons make me remember moments like that from Saturday’s ❤️ 😄 some are very humorous moments (to me) lol … I was the first child lol … totally broke them in ✌️
I also remember bringing my pillow and blanket to the family room to lay there all morning watching cartoons lol … well not all morning – only until the ones I liked were over … and then I was done. Plus my parents would always be like “go outside and play” lol
We did constantly!!! But it was Saturday morning!!
And then at night when street lights would come on… we would be having kickball games… ❤️❤️❤️ it was awesome!!! All the neighborhood kids ❤️ our parents would call and we be like “ok be right there”
But then they would have to come get us lol ❤️
So see – they want us being outside playing but then wanna pull us in when we wanna play all night lol
I had the best times ❤️
Anyway – that made me smile ❤️
Then video games came along and forget it lol ✌️ 1st gen right here 😘
Alright well – Monday is coming 😳 … I always feel like I have to brace 😮
It will be fine. It’s always eventually fine… but here we go 😮
Today… I had to do some work… my office manager work. So I didn’t want to drive all the way into the city…
So I called the funeral home in my town and asked if I could use their location. I did that yesterday. I already knew I would need to do that.
So I went in this morning … 😮
First of all, that funeral home is beautiful. Is literally right here for me – driving in was nothing. No highways nothin!!! Plus this is my town – but is also the town I am quiet in.
It was peaceful, I wasn’t bothered… I got work done ❤️
But then she talking to me about “her” office manager job 😮
Uh oh
And it sounds so good, and she willing to share me 😮 it could work post covid – because I be in my town and it be easier – I be right here ❤️ no more Sacramento
But then … my boss – I was given a chance, and I was put here – did that for me!
Ok and then … my girls ❤️ I love working with them… and I am learning etc.
But the problem is… if I were to take the closer position… I would have to do the direct cremations? So she could do the services contacts.
So I would be required to meet with families – and because is small town… small tiny little western town… they are meeting with families in person, and doing outreach things 😮 putting on events and stuff
And we have strict restrictions in Sacramento … this is a different county… they are not as hard hit as Sacramento … but do I even want that exposure – however …I will have the second shot this week – so I would be fine? But still it makes me nervous?
We are on high alert still in Sacramento … we handle strictly because we do care about our families and staying safe …
This one, is not as restricted 😮 am I ok with that? I don’t know.
And then that also means I will be out in public and coming back… because they know me here.
And this manager is high energy she tell me… I am not really sure what exactly that means??
But not only is she doing everything all by herself … she is the Vice President of this club and the president of that club 😮 … tons and tons of clubs…
And my daughter knows her daughter from elementary – 3rd grade 😮
She is single mom like me.
But I don’t know.
She tempts me with how close… but I am leery about meeting with families? But I guess for direct cremation maybe? Cause I don’t think I have to upsell that one – is quick easy done – so they say 🤨
She tempts me… but I love my boss and adore my girls ❤️
So wait – ok… I know that it is business and not friendship… I get that… and the closer location would be just amazing!! And they are not as crazy insane as mine is… but then it might be with doing office manager and direct cremation!
And I still learn a lot – my girls help me along and Vice versa … so I love it there ❤️ I would miss them. But I also know I have to do what would be best.
I so want to work right here in town, I would be home right away after work ❤️
But I have weights on both sides 😮
I told her I would want to talk to my boss and also my girls first. And I am not sure about meeting with families ? I am nervous of that like that for some reason? And I really am still completely learning this office manager position and my location is such a mess …
She said hers is not a mess, nice and organized – ready to jump in 😮
Oh temptations – but I am still organizing and learning office manager and I can do that with just that so I can learn first?
But is very tempting
Anyway.. that happened. I wrote that earlier
And then … I came home – took a nap cause I was exhausted… and then my neighbors asked me to come over so I went and helped with something and they give me alcohol 😮 only one drink but I don’t ever drink.
I do not drink usually – so I am an extreme lightweight – I turn red and get giggly lol – you would know immediately lol
Anyway I am home now. I walked home, they are right next door – I walked over to begin with.
I am tired again lol … also not used to alcohol either so feel weird but whatever
I don’t like the way alcohol makes my tummy feel.
I guess once in a blue moon is fine – but I feel off.
I am very lightheaded 😮 and I don’t like how it feels.
Now I remember why I do not drink. Sometimes I forget why I stay away from things and then I get reminded
That actually happens a lot – and lately more than usual
So anyway. I should probably go to bed. I’m a little stressed with everything at work, and then my mom, court, the kids. “Things”
So just tense and stressed – still love life so you never have to worry there … I am usually really strong there. Pretty solid with loving life.
But just tense with things because I feel like I have the world on my shoulders for one moment through things
I’m fine. I find my balances. I have been through much worse so this be nothing. I am strong.
But I am also just tense.
Life just likes to see how much it can pile on. Whew ok. Bring it 💋✌️
Alright well – I have learned that if I don’t post on Friday – I find it hard to catch back up!!
So let’s see … at work… my corporation made one of my arrangers upset and cry!! And we are mad. We feel is wrong.
We in covid… a family wants something that is unusual but also covid safe… we are fine with it… we can’t provide normal things for the family … and we grow close to some families.
You have to think – right after a loss – we are comforting you and walking you through everything – trying to make the experience as much as we can
Here we have a very easy thing we could absolutely do for this family – everything else is done. All of it… they just want this one thing (it is OUT of the ordinary – but totally covid safe!! And they willing to pay for it… they would sign a waiver – so what’s the problem?)
Well the bosses got involved – didn’t even bring it up to the legal department and just said no … they said …if they ask legal, they would ask them… what are we smoking over here 🤨
I find that a very rude comment!! Let’s ask and see?
They push us to our families first – we have opportunity here and they won’t allow it
So all the work and getting close to the family and we have to let them down… actually what we have to do – is hand over to a competitor who has already said they would do it.
Was just an upsetting situation and we highly stressed – we could have taken really good care of this family and they wouldn’t let us!!!
And we do have reputation as actually the best in this area. That’s cause we actually care but whatever
Fuckin corporate bullshit – get off your high horse and maybe learn how to care for people?! During a fricken virus even
I don’t know why I expect them to have heart? It’s a corporation – they could care less.
We fought for the family though – my arrangers poured her heart and soul into it… she was crushed and then had to find another who would do and then tell the family – then she cried 😡😡😡 stupid corporation! Totally just squashed a spirit!! Way to care about people ✌️
What is corporate smoking? See how rude that comment is???
That was uncalled for as a comment. That actually is offensive to me. Here we are trying to help a family and you make a comment like that?? What are they smokin? Fuckin rude!
Yes I am mad… is a shitty situation! It was stressful.
But that’s the business I guess
Whatever … I was offended by that comment actually… here this song is for corporate 😘✌️…
He has several videos and I find them adorable ❤️ with messages.. so it catches my attention lol
I asked them – why does he only do them once in a blue moon ? Because is long time between when he posts anything new
They said because he is that good and quality is good
– ok fine – I’ll accept that – it is – but then if you do that enough times … don’t you get faster?
Also… It’s weird? I notice something? Like always – Fridays we laughing and having fun? But I just notice something?? I’m not sure what?? Something.
I’m just noting that for later ✌️😄😘
Because I know there is something – I am the mom – I made these people … I know these people – so I will save that for later when I figure out what it is lol
Anyway… ohhh I told them a REALLY funny HILARIOUS story!!! That I REALLY wish I could share with you… but I can not because names would uncover identity… so I can’t do that.
But it kills me not to share because it is literally THAT hilarious!!! My kids were like is that a joke? Nope – the real deal lol
Do you remember when Jay Leno used to do that “Headlines” segment? Lol
Ok my story is something that would be perfect for that segment lol 😄❤️✌️
That’s not my life btw …except loving and missing the 80’s – I do miss the 80’s like the song says … that was awesome… can I have a do over? Again!! – glad I was born to live through the 80’s!!
This next song reminds me of being maybe about 10? And I had 2 teenage girl neighbors lol … they were in dance, so they would be in their garage dancing to this song – all choreographed- I used to go sit and watch … lol – that is funny – I hadn’t thought about that in years – see what the music just did?? Anyway… here is their song lol
Got home at 8! – but also had to pick up a pizza 🍕… because I am so late!!
Before I left I had 4 deaths come in boom boom boom boom…
And then I finally finish, and was going to leave but I am on call tonight – it’s Thursday
I have the phones for all 3 locations 😮
So as I am packing up a new one comes in for one of the other funeral homes
So I stay and handle that one…
So five deaths before I could even leave the office 🤨 I didn’t leave until 7!!
So whatever. It is Thursday – don’t die on Thursday –
Then you won’t have one last Friday!! ❤️
I will be so mad if MY time is up on a Thursday lol – c’mon life don’t do that
So today at work lol … So I do handle the families in certain ways … so I do have contact with them … I am just a more comforting level… I am not arranging their services
I guess they all kinda relax when dealing with me? I have a peacefulness and a calmness. My tone, my demeanor etc.
And then, some I have really had a pleasure helping … so sometimes I have calls from families I remember or just helped … and if I really enjoyed them you can hear it in my voice – not only does my face light up but my voice does too!
I am excited to say hello and see how doing … and then I smile when I talk, so I think you can hear that ??
And then also… I am comforting and gentle – soft – lol … I make you feel taken care of 😘✌️❤️
Well anyway… it just happens all the time.
So then at the end of the day when I was working through all those deaths …
I got the oncall pick up guy – and was my favorite one!! He is my favorite because he was my first person I dealt with in the beginning with deaths – I have never met him … only spoken to him but he’s awesome…
So my voice lit up and I had a huge smile – I swear you can hear smiles over the phone!!!
My girls laughed – when I asked them what they laugh at…
They said because you just get along with everyone with such ease lol
(Well not everyone because I did have that water heater guy lol – I did not get along with him)
But everyone else – yes usually
Again remember I moved all the time growing up, so making friends and things is really easy to me.
But they thought that was funny, because it happened a lot today with people lol
So now I am home, I have to get ready for bed – I have one more day and then weekend ❤️✌️
… I just had a call…I have been having ALOT of calls lately from families not happy with current funeral homes?? And want to switch over to us.
We will take you. We will even cover the transport fee the other funeral home will charge.
The family will pay our transportation fee but that is normal and written into contracts … we will eat the other fee from the other funeral home, because we feel your comfort and business is worth it ✌️
So anyway. I have had a few of those lately. I don’t know if is because of the overwhelming ness? And who knows how many they have working?
But in that kind of a case – your best avenue is communication communication communication – keep the family updated and make sure they are ok
I will tell you… families have been very understanding through covid as long as you communicate and keep them updated – they are devastated but also very understanding of the restrictions and issues. But again – communication!!
I had to tell this one what our restrictions are… so they are aware of everything before coming to us. We want to be upfront and forthcoming so you are aware what we can currently offer.
And of course we will handle everything for you… we will deal with the other funeral home so you do not have to.
Also… we will have everything done as fast as we can.
So anyway… if you are not happy with the services you are getting and you are not feeling taken care of – then you, absolutely have every right, to find a place that will do that for you.
Even with funerals.
And another thing – no one likes to talk funerals or think about – but if it was your mom or someone you loved … you want them safe and taken care of and given dignity …
It is a good idea to kind of have an idea of what funeral home to use.
You can use google reviews or Yelp… sure. Reviews are always good to check out!!
But also call them. See how they are with you… do they put you at ease? Do they take the time to talk to you and answer your questions?
These people will be helping you through times of grief, make sure you like them lol
Alright I better get to bed, before any other calls come 😮🙏 please don’t die!! 🙏
You know that point you hit when you stay up really late and keep staying up and then you get all silly? That happens to us on occasion when we work so much!
There was something funny today lol 😄❤️
So yesterday – there was a service. A man lost his wife. He is in his 70’s.
He is the most adorable man ever ❤️❤️❤️ omg he is just so personable lol such a sweetheart!!! Great personality – but is a talker lol
Which is cool, but we can’t sit there and chat all day long lol … but he has a heart of gold!
Anyway… you remember my favorite guy right? 😄❤️ omg he just kills me 😄😄 … so much!!! He is sooo funny!!!
He is the one who calls me Hot Trish 🤨😄🙄 whatever – he still does … every single time lol
He just likes to make me blush with that!!! And I still threaten to tell on him to his dad lol
He’s just awesome ❤️
Well anyway… my favorite guy is funny and personable lol
He has energy lol
Evidentially at yesterday’s graveside service … my favorite guy was talking to the husband guy…
Today the phone rang at the office and was the husband guy looking for my favorite guy 😄😄😄
And then the arranger says they had really hit it off and were discussing botany 😄😄
It was just really cute and very sweet ❤️ also a little funny that they bonded over botany lol 🙄😄
I find that really awesome!! He must be just lonely without his wife! My favorite guy is very easy to enjoy life with – he is just a fun happy people person.
Anyway so work was funny towards the end.
Yesterday one said … I will be fasting starting tmrw …lol ok.
So today comes lol… corporate sent us cupcakes to say thank you for your hard work… so these yummy cupcakes came and then we had a lot of food today 😮 they were all fancy – I did not think to take a photo lol
But there went the fasting 😄😄😄
And so then she says … ok tmrw I will be fasting …lol ok 😄❤️
And then that’s about it. I feel tense ? Just because my mom, and then work and then also court so I am tensing up … especially with court because I trust nothing. But we see.
So let me start with work… today someone lost a loved one and was calling funeral homes for pricing. (This is a normal thing they are shopping for lowest price) there is obviously no preneed.
So I walked through everything with them and then gave them our price for a direct cremation – no services – just the cremation and everything that goes with that… transportation, permits, death certificate, the actual cremation etc – plus urn ⚱️
We are expensive in the area – but he said other funeral home gave them higher price
They are far away. I have a funeral home near them with even cheaper price and it’s one of mine so I give them their info.
As I am speaking and explaining things he suddenly stops me and says…
“You know, I just have to say… out of all the people in your business you have been the most calming and most helpful we have experienced – so I want to say thank you”
❤️ that was really sweet to say!! 😊 ❤️
They had told me one funeral home told them if they can get their loved one TO them they would help and then added “good luck” 😮😮😮 …I gasped when they told me that!!! How do you say that to a family??!!! What the hell?
I told them if you need anything else you call me back.
And that is how you do service 💋✌️
Because they are going to speak of that to others – and then guess where the business comes from … and a big majority of our business comes from our reputation of catering and caring…
We have families that won’t use anyone else BUT us… because we are THAT good 😘✌️
But it was really sweet to have someone acknowledge that after I handled them. ❤️
Work was busy… from the minute I step in – it’s on… and I have 2 services tmrw – so tmrw will be insane!!
And when I say services – it is not what you think. It is covid restricted services – so if is viewing is 2 at a time
And we have held services outside but they are not allowing us to do that anymore
We also will set up for a funeral but we will not go in the church if family wants a church service
If the church is willing to do so then fine – it can be on the church them – my people will be waiting outside. We are not taking chances
We just had a death of one of us… they caught covid – was one of our cemetery coordinators – young guy.
So we just got locked down even more 🤨 while the governor is lifting stay at home orders
You gonna lift this shit… and my shit gonna go off!!! 🤨
We are almost in spring – we are almost vaccinating… we almost there
Not yet!! It’s still dangerous!!
Anyway. So that was today. If you wanna tell me covid is no big deal? When you lose someone, you come tell me that.
Then … My friends do not like me out in the country… they also do not like that I do not date… they think I need someone and they think I need to come back to civilization lol
They just don’t understand so whatever – they don’t have to.
I stay away from civilization because I really love the peace of coming home to the country and escaping all the crazy ❤️ it’s so peaceful out here ❤️ and it’s soo beautiful too … there are sucky things like fires and power losses lol – but I am addicted to the peace ❤️ I just want it ❤️
And with dating they try everything to get me to date …
First of all… I am not them. And I don’t want someone because I need anything – I only want to want – that’s it.
And I am fine doing by myself right now, and is good for the moment – is good for me.
Also… I am soft – or so I claim ✌️
I am soft… but if you asked water heater guy – he would NOT tell you I am soft lol 😄✌️
On some things yes – I will stand up.
And then… with dating – I just always try to avoid lol ✌️ … I am fine for right now. I really don’t understand what the big deal is.
But I guess in their defense – I did go severely silent and they had to fight to hold on to me… cause I wanted to push everyone away at that time. I just wanted no one near me.
But I had been through hell with my ex, and then my families deaths and my cancer … so when cancer finished – I just wanted everyone away from me.
It wasn’t because I was depressed – I was sad with everything yes… but I still loved life and still cherished life – I just needed to not be near anyone – I really needed peace to heal for myself.
I was tired of doctors and hospitals and deaths and things!! I didn’t want to be touched or poked or anything – my ex was stalking and causing me problems and I just wanted to be left alone, and hide away.
One day just fell off the face of the earth. No trace – expect my girls who keep trying even when I said no.
They would not allow me to cut off – they kept at me and then would say things like “we don’t want you cutting your wrists or anything”
They knew what I had been through – but I was never like that… I just needed peace from everything for a moment
But I do see what it looked like to everyone else. They knew how I was and they saw all the trauma… and then I went silent, so I can see their concern. ❤️
So anyway… I think they just would feel better if I did have someone? But that’s just not where I am right now… of course you never know what can happen… but I don’t search
Before … I knew everyone. I was well known in the community because I had been with the police for a long time…
And then at the golf course I knew everyone too… and when I would walk in the door – they would say my name the same way they would say “Norm” on the sitcom Cheers ❤️ (but I would have the entire clubhouse doing that ❤️)
And I was just bubbly and knew everyone – then everything happened and I went silent
Now I just love the peace – when I first came here … someone said to me – be careful – peace can be dangerous … I did not understand because peace sounds amazing to me!!
But I guess I understand now, because peace is dangerous in the way… that you fall in love with it, and then it’s hard to come back after having been spoiled by peace ✌️❤️😘
I have been here now since August of 2019
So I am coming up on 2 years… lol I didn’t realize so much time went by 😮
Ok no wonder they on my case, but they are always on my case! From day one they didn’t want me coming out here and being alone lol
I chose that.
For me … not for them.
I am loyal to them for standing by me and not letting go ❤️
They just annoy me with the dating thing lol
And then I’m talking to them tonight and at the end of the convo one says …
If you start dating anyone you have to tell us. 🤨
They don’t hear me lol whatever
I still love them ❤️ and I still don’t listen 💋✌️
I will do the things that I feel are right for my own self. I don’t have anyone telling me anything ❤️ I make my own choices – so far they going ok
I forget why I hide sometimes. I forget why I chase peace so hard 😮 … and then sometimes I am reminded why I stay silent, because I forget…
I forget because everyone hides with me sorta, so I am all normal lol ❤️😘✌️ I am free to isolate normally ❤️😘 yes I am aware that is not right – it’s fine for right now. I am at peace like that so whatever for right now.
And I’ve been just staying away from everything – only work and home. Even my normal store trips – I order online day before and then go pick up my order which is ready for me and they just put in my trunk ❤️
That is the fricken balls right there ❤️ … I just stay in my car and they load everything for me 🙌 … they have spoiled me lol ❤️
But today… daughter wanted a few things for the week 🤨 ok fine… that means I have to go inside 😮😮😮
Ok – it won’t be bad right?? 😮😮 um holy moly … ok where do I begin??
Well from the minute I walked inside 😮 ok… so this is covid? And evidentially the supermarket is the new meat market 😮 … if you understand what I am saying 🤨 omg
Yes now I remember why I stay away from everything!!! That’s a huge reason!!
So first guy talking to me – ok well whatever – I am picking out vegetables and he’s all into having conversation lol
I am always polite – little shy and quiet, but I answer and I’m polite trying to keep distance
I am little uncomfortable when being hit on like that, I know it’s what they do but hmm… I don’t know – I am just uncomfortable
And then… let me say something… because this always happened to me anyway… but in general. Averagely … it’s gonna happen when you are a woman – that is just the way it is. But is just a lot or seems like more and more as I fricken age!!! ??? But then I have been hidden away too so?? I just forget. Now I remember – I have always had issues
And it’s not really a big deal because I guess that is a way to know people. And you never know when that timing be right? So I guess
But I am just weird and uncomfortable with it. First of all because… I just want to get in and get out!!
And then secondly – I never go out thinking these things happen to me and then they do and it’s weird – not bad – but weird and very weird lol
This was not the store I normally go to or order from… I went to a different store.
I never can fly under the radar without being noticed… even with a mask!! The mask did not shield off these things!! 😮
And ya know – before all this… I was just a mom… I was kinda isolated raising the kids but whatever – I loved being a mom
And then I was sick for a little while and all that… so ya know I really actually haven’t been out around people never mind ever dating lol
And then I am in line with probably the largest carriage … and one guy comes right over to me and says here come on over here – I will take you
So I immediately get helped … and he talking to me having full conversation lol and after me he was done lol so what?? 🤷♀️ there were still long lines… he only handled me
And then this one guy passes by me and does these eyes lol … do you know those eyes I am speaking of?
First of all… way way way too young!!! No sorry – I have an age limit 😘✌️ lol – you couldn’t handle me otherwise … must be over a certain age to ride on this ride lol 😄😘✌️ (it’s funny when you relate it to things lol)
But anyway… he passes by me and does these eyes like hmm… ok well I am just going to call them “F me eyes” because that is what is was 🤨… when you look like you want to devour someone yes … all up and down… yes … like that!!!
Ugh 🤦♀️
Ok whatever – this is why I order online and do pick up lol … covid is just added excuse for me lol 😘✌️
Ok well whatever – I make it out of the store as fast as possible.
And I have one last store that I wanted to stop at… because I wanted something …
🤨 but the entire staff was men 🤨 umm can I have some women for women things? Lol but whatever – if you gonna hire men then they gotta handle me lol ✌️😄
So whatever – at this point just whatever …
So I go up to him and I say “hello, I don’t know what I am looking for is called – but I would like a bra that is not like wearing a bra” lol 😄😄
It’s because I hurt … and I don’t always want to wear that bra… and I can’t go without one if I will be doing “anything” because my right side is really bad
So I want one of those sticky bras so I can have a sort of bra to help hold ❤️ but not really a bra and more free lol ✌️ I am tired of the hurty bra – I don’t want to wear one… but I will need something just to hold me
Hahaha his face lol – little red but whatever, he was sweet and then at the check out he gave me tons of discounts lol ❤️
So that was my adventurous outing today 😮😳
Now I remember why I hide, I had forgotten. Oh yeah. That was one of the reasons – not all of them, but a big one.
But then it’s a double edged sword…
When I hide away – no one sees me… and I just stay away and there is peace 🙌
But when I go out in public – I am new because I usually do not go out anywhere, and then I turn heads in general so then there is issues for me. That’s always going to be a thing. I thought it would slow with age but it only picks up even more!!!
Not bad thing. Just things I am uncomfortable or shy with. And then also it’s always going to be a thing so any man who gonna approach me better make sure he is secure – but if you know me – you would be …so would not be an issue
I’m just not ready. Emotionally I have some heavy hits coming so I really can’t have anything derailing me right now.
And anyway… I really don’t know. I really need to know someone first. That’s like a prerequisite…
But then I also have to give someone a chance to know me also lol – which I don’t do often
And if I do give someone a chance, I also lay all my stuff out – because do not touch if you can’t handle what I go through. I still go through things and I’m not looking for stupid little shit (sorry to be blunt – I am not just looking for sex …so you instantly lose my attention if you aim at that)
Unfortunately that is a very incorrect aim. That be absolute kiss of death to me. You done before you start. ✌️ do not lead in with sex!!! Bad bad bad
And also catches me off guard and I do not know how to actually handle so don’t do that!! It just makes me run away lol … nope
Be a gentleman… relax – chill… be kind. Take your time – also don’t be creepy lol 😄✌️
Do not act like you have not seen another woman in a thousand years lol
And I don’t need constant attention!! Oh my god, these boobs just draw so much attention! My other ones – the ones I was born with… were just normal and sat normal, was proportionate
These are definitely high 🤨 and then any thing you wear looks provocative 🤨
I definitely can not wear sweaters anymore 😮😳 omg… in a sweater is just so large looking so nope
But anyway… I remember why I hide.
Sometimes I forget and little things flash me back. Then I remember all of it. Bleh.
So alright then. So far I am still alive so that is going well for me. ✌️
I am also little stressed with things personally so… little on edge. And then this week I walk into tons of funerals all week long!! Every day!!
I was thinking earlier… ok I have week full of funerals
Could I possibly figure out how to be strong for losing my mom? If I watch them, let me see how goes. Maybe I can find some kind of way to grasp different? So I will just observe.
There has to be something to make it not so heart bleeding. I kinda have a little something – because when she goes – I will imagine her with my dad again ❤️ so for love I want that for her.
But it still doesn’t help my own heart ?? It’s like the heart does not listen at all and just does however it feels! 🤨
So anyway – I am learning stuff or trying to ✌️ but yes little sensitive with my personal things …
Alright well I do have things I need to handle – I will try to be back. ❤️
😄😄 of course I am going to have fun with it too… because if I have to endure being uncomfortable and stuff – I might as well make it funny ❤️✌️ – see comedy ❤️ it will take the edge off ❤️ see it just made me smile ❤️✌️
I meant to come back and blog about Friday ❤️ cause Friday was a good day ❤️ rainy and stormy but actually a good day.
Today my heart is kinda breaking little bit … but it does this every time. Every time my mom slips more I just know my time is limited so I have kinda panic that I don’t have enough time with her and don’t want to lose her …
But at same time … I know she misses my dad and I know she misses all of us – she is slipping
Today we discuss funeral home. 😭💔💔💔 for my mom 😭😭😭 shhh breathe
Ok.
So.
Ok … let me process… let go of mom 😭😭💔💔 how I do that??? I just want her!!! I’m not ready!! She’s gonna rip my heart out
Ok.
So.
We are using one of my funeral homes ❤️❤️❤️ so I am comforted by that ❤️
I am little emotional now. I be fine and then I not be. 😳 I am scared to lose my mom… I am scared not to have her anymore, I am scared of how much that is going to hurt!
I know it’s coming – I am bracing but that’s gonna be my hardest one yet. 💔
And I try to flip it to the professional side but I can’t because it’s too personal 💔
I try everything – I try to convince myself “oh that’s life is just how goes, nothing you can do” you have to roll with what life puts in front of you.
I know that. I know life 😭
And life did give me some mercy with my mother and allowed me to slowly lose her … that was mercy because I had no time when I lost the others
And my mom… she is … my mom ❤️ she is my just everything
But ok – nothing lasts forever
I have no choice but to accept losing her. What are my tears going to do? I already learned that tears of love bring no one back 😭💔
But my problem is … that is my mom and my love for her is like my entire heart so when she dies no matter how much I brace… my heart is still going to shatter – I know me – and she’s my mom.
This one will be a blow 😭💔 even though I know it’s coming … she’s just going to leave a huge hole in my heart so I know that is coming
Yes I am being a baby because that is my mom and I do not want her to die! But then that is irrational because I am upset!
Ok.
Breathe.
It will just be a big loss and then I move on. I have to try not to just crumble losing her.
So yeah I am working on balancing through that 💔 and then also work itself too.
Anyway … I will be fine but there will be probably emotional posts because I am losing her 💔😭
But then I get mad because I am just being a baby and time to grow up but I just want my mom back
See I can’t help it it just goes in circles rational to irrational 😝
Every time I think to lose her I panic. 💔 whew
Ok. Let her go. I can let her go… it is her time so ok.
I love my mom with all my heart ❤️ she has always been my heart ❤️
That is me and my mom the last time I saw her ❤️ that was before my surgery and before covid hit … I just like it better without faces ❤️ I look just like her when she was young
What do I hold on to anyway? Why is this still very hard – it’s because it makes my heart bleed. 💔
So alright – lose my mom. Breathe.
This one and one more. It just really knocks the wind out of you every time.
So… when you love… it is inevitable you will have pain then. I just have hard time because she will break my heart.
So yeah just sensitive and irrational – it’s just going to keep going around in circles – cause again 2 sides … one side is heart and the other side is head
The heart wants to fall apart and just cry and cry… and the head just thinks it can be all strong (which I can and have no choice but to be strong)
But I am really sad to be losing my mom 💔 … have not lost her yet… but she is slipping 💔 is going to go. So I know what is coming at me – it’s just I don’t want it to 💔
But ok… suck it up – be a woman … and handle ☹️💔 it’s just painful 💔
I be around as able – let me breathe for moments through this because when it happens – I might go silent for a moment because as you see here it will be emotional and I will be crying so just FYI
Always remember you never know what someone goes through ✌️
So alright … more stuff. I can do this – it will be fine.
This is life – it is ok. Life will still move ahead.
Alright. Well I will be irrational at times because my mom is dying 💔😭 and then I might be silent because my heart be broken… but I be ok. I am strong… I just will need moments for breathe
No … evidently I do not handle my own deaths ok. 😮 I do not understand that?? I guess because of the heart? But still death shakes me still when it is my own. 💔 I think I am strong and I am kind of…
But I am also very soft too. Very heart ridden. So there is that.
I am strong – I just don’t want to be.
And … life does go on, and I still have blessings …
Friday we had whole discussion about what is happening with stock market lol – ok whatever …. are you surprised by anything anymore?
And then we played a game about naming 5 things of any category I chose ❤️ was fun.
I have not mentioned nana is slipping yet. So I have to do that. Great
I want to fast forward so I do not feel that pain – bleh … and then I think of the movie “Click” and I don’t want to fast forward but I also do!!!
But ok – behind great pain, comes a great peace so ok. It will be fine.
And I can always imagine her with my dad again… together ❤️ I can imagine them both young again ❤️ no pain for them
Just for me because I am left behind. ☹️
Anyway – none of my discussion on this is going to go well now because my heart bleeds and is breaking so it’s just going to keep saying the same things 💔
I at least know who I am ✌️
Working with death I do fine – and I connect – I be strong and soft at same time but very gentle. I know their heart breaks – I know the bleed they feel. And for others I can comfort very easily … but how I comfort myself?
Alright well whatever … I am having hard time comforting self but that’s ok – I have it – I will
It’s ok to crumble for a moment when your heart breaks – it’s a moment of impact so ya know – I’m sure you have had those.
💔 ☹️ it’s fine – I be fine … she’s just gonna break my heart though 💔
So I accidentally laid in bed before posting last night – so that obviously didn’t happen lol
But my night at the mortuary lol went fine. No spirits came to harass me. ❤️
I was comfy warm and safe. It was nice not having a commute!!
I had ended up ordering a pizza 🍕 … it was actually nice
Didn’t lose any power
I turned the phones back at 8am yesterday and right away the phones start – I had to jump right in!!
And then it was insane yesterday!! We so busy!! As soon as we finish one – we have like 5 more come in it’s place 🤨😮
I took today off because I have to do some running around for my own things 😮 … I told a few families that and they said yes go take a day off you deserve one… but is very hard to take days off – you just know you gonna come back into who knows what 😮
Alright well I have to go run my errands shortly – but hopefully I finish fast? 🙏 i am going to have my car serviced and handle lawyer stuff
Also my lawyer ❤️ I love them ❤️ they fight for me … first time someone has ❤️… I picked good
The other 2 were referrals – this one I picked myself ❤️
If I told you story from my ex your jaw would drop! But anyway I will deal with that.
Learning Life 