What is this???

I have this video I wish I could show you. But is of my mother. For her privacy I don’t want to share …

But I dunno what’s wrong??

They do CT scan and every blood test – everything coming through normal… is not normal!!!! I promise you something is not normal!!!

She having these episodes where she has these shocks?? It reminds me of when you are asleep, and you dreaming – and whatever dream you have – maybe falling – you jerk?? Do you understand??

She make this weird face and for quick second jerks oddly, but tells me she doesn’t know or realize she do that. She keep doing it?? It makes me worry and cry

They say go to Neurologist… but we have been and they tell us she fine.

She not fine!!!

All tests come back normal – she is not normal… her brain or something is misfiring ?? Causing her to jerk?? Why …and what’s this blood in urine??

Ugh 😩

I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I have no idea what to think

I wish you could see this video …

She’s fine and talking to me… I was gonna put her pajama pants on because she was only wearing the hospital gown… so I was explaining what I gonna do and asking her if she have any pain or anything?

She say no. And would jerk… I would say “what was that?” and she say “what?” And would jerk again… I would say “Mum, why you doing that?”

And she say “what honey? What’s the matter?” Because I would start to cry.

So I don’t know.

Anyone with an Alzheimer’s/dementia person who experience this or know of this?? What is this???

Some are so bad the care home thinks is stroke 😳

I am just so confused

Oh no!!!

She have stroke or something this morning

I rush to be with her – follow ambulance to hosp and they running tests she doing ok

She in and out, they running all kind of tests – I literally not even dressed correctly – I ran to be with her immediately (I’m a little freezing because ER so cold!) but I don’t wanna leave her side until I know what happening – make sure she has someone

My brother is 10 hours away so just me to be with her.

I am too scared to lose her

I walking tight rope at moment


Ugh I might pull up bed next to her cause my heart struggles to be ok – I worry and have emotions so much

I being strong and handling … but I wanna just …

“😭” to release – I am massive tense and scared

I’m soooo sooooo scared 😩💔🙏🙏🙏

❤️ A day with Mom ❤️

Today I spent day with my mom ❤️ I brought cupcakes to have for birthday celebrations – me and her … but I brought enough to share with everyone ❤️

They messy eaters lol

I got to watch movies with her and her friends and see how day goes ❤️

I’m not too sure how I feel with someone other than my father around her. I’m a little protective lol

But she seem happy? I think?

She forget most things now. Only sometimes does she remember her life.

She laughs with me still though – full hearty laughter ❤️

We watched National Lampoons and we were all roaring with laughter

(I love you Chevy Chase ❤️)

I eat lunch with them and we listen to music…

Ugh their music is so ancient lol … good just ancient lol ✌️

Was songs like this…




And THIS one …they all know as my mothers song…


That’s her real name – but she hates it…. Lol – it was her mothers name… she has never used it – and she will correct you if you try to call her that lol

She uses her middle name always… and then when she name me, she name me after her with that middle name… I hate it lol… I never use it, and I will correct you if you call me anything other than Trisha lol … sometimes older people or if anything to do with government and needs legal name… I have to use the one I don’t like 😝 … it makes me cringe lol – it sounds old world … I just like Trisha better

But funny how that cycle goes lol 😄✌️❤️

I did not give my daughter my name… she has original first name that I pick… only her middle name is after me lol 😄✌️… I made it be her middle so she not hate like we do lol

Anyway – such old songs – I had not heard some of those songs in years and years – since my grandparents

My mom is young ☹️… she turns 75 on the 15th. She knows those songs but her songs are more …





My mom is young to be where she is. But it happens obviously. See how delicate the human mind is? And body! Was her mom too. 😳

Anyway… please play the following for me… lol …







There’s a whole playlist so… this could keep going lol …

When I sit there listening to their music, I was imagining what would be like for my generation lol

That will be fun … lol … if we remember ✌️

So was good… little odd, but they all adorable. It was little like cross between One Flew Over the Coocoo’s nest and 50 First Dates 🤷‍♀️ 😳😳

They would have convos with me?? And sometimes it’s jibberish 🤷‍♀️ or they say the same things 🤷‍♀️ … or I just don’t understand ?? I just smile.

And I laughing with my mom and being with her… but I ended up with a collection of little elderly ladies lol … they all just take to me ❤️

One say you have beautiful smile, one want to hold my hand, lol awww they are soo adorable

I do not have the heart for that job… that would kill my soul… I get attached… I would love them and then they die – omg – yeah I could not do that job!!

I am after the fact – so I did not have connection – I connect with family with grief.

But to get attached and lose – ohhh yup that would just totally kill my soul! Omg – that job would kill me right off!! I could not handle that.

Her friends are cool… not really sure I like a man so much around her that is not my dad – but since she not remember and I guess he make her happy…it’s just weird for me.

All of them are memory care, and they are all on the level of my mom or worse. 💔💔

They are adorable – and you see life just come full circle …

You are born needing complete care… and then you hopefully learn to care for self – and others … and then as life winds down, you slowly need complete care again…

They just big adults – they messy eaters, they wear diapers, they need much assistance and compassion

So life just went in a circle ⭕️

I just wonder what they looked like once, what was their life?

At work, we get photos from families and when you see them so young and so beautiful… it’s just crazy to see how age does- they still cute – but I just wonder – who were they?

My mom had blood in her urine today. That may be a thing – but I have to go home! I have to, I have to get back in office. They gonna stop the blood thinners and see if that helps?? 🙏

I am blessed being able to be here for her. Was so worried so far away. Am blessed with couple extra moments with my mom- I wish I could freeze time to keep in a bottle 🙏 for whenever I want it!


We looked through old pictures from the 70’s and 80’s and laughed ❤️ – her clothes in the 70’s 😮😮and then mine & the hair in the 80’s 😄😄✌️

We laughed at old memories and vacations and those things.

The ladies who work there kept saying omg you just like your mom, you both even have same movements and mannerisms – they could not get over how we the same

See I told you – we identical … so is sister. We all the same… just more modern younger/older versions

God must have had a special using the same mold lol… we move the same, same faces, same smile, same hand gestures or way we cross our legs … we laugh the same and speak stories same way… we have same demeanor – same look to us… she is also always thin

So since I look just like her – then you add same mannerisms and things … and it’s like a clone – I know… I am my mothers daughter ❤️


Borrowed Time

Ok under no circumstances are people to die in July!! Just like Fridays… same thing goes for July!!

July has the 4th… my favorite because I love the fireworks 💥… it has already started – people lighting them off last night.

Then my birthday – and my moms birthday 🎂 I just own July ❤️- so keep it awesome, can we try to do that?

Today I gonna spend entire day with her and I gonna bring cupcakes 🧁 for her birthday 🥳… is not til the 15th, but I won’t be here – so I do now… she won’t remember what day anyway ✌️

She pulled through. It was nuts – highly emotional – one minute she on deaths door, and then next she ok. She has declined. Is weaker too. But I do see her leaving. ☹️

My sister better hurry up and get her act together

I’m still working on things there – but today is for my mother ❤️

Thank you all again for your warm wishes, messages and thoughts & prayers ❤️

I thought we gonna lose her – they tell me get here immediately … 🤷‍♀️ soo ??? Thankfully miracles happen 😘❤️ I’m am so lucky – I do believe there are times that if you pray hard enough and focused enough – god has mercy so ❤️ thank you

There was some sort of Devine intervention because I did not lose my mom – I get to have her ❤️ I know I am little selfish for wanting her, but I just love her and it hurts so badly to lose her.

I can not imagine a life without my mom. Even though she not there like used to be.

I don’t think she want to leave either.

Anyway- thank you ❤️ … I get to have my mom for little longer … borrowed time


I will tell you sister story soon – that one gonna be bumpy… so today I just wanna enjoy my mom for a moment ❤️

Sometimes life does give you blessings ❤️✌️ savor those!!! Those moments pull you through the tough ones – remember to be thankful ❤️

Hello 👋

All is ok ❤️🙏❤️ thank you for your thoughts and prayers … they have helped ❤️

I tell you more later – I still have my mom, and today a wheelchair be delivered here to the house and I will take to my mom later ❤️

She has declined, but she stable and ok ❤️

Is only me here – my family had to go out of town for something this weekend. They be back Monday… So is just me handling things.

So my sister just call me today – actually a police officer and my sister call me… big long story… so she agree to accept my help and come to cali…

But we see how serious she is with words. Words are meaningless without the actions … so we see – I know I could make her life better … but she’s gonna have to walk away from her entire life to come to me… that will be like a death for her

Not gonna be easy

So I kinda have many things flying at my face 😮 a plus I still working every day full hours just remotely

If I offer to help – she better be serious. I’m not joking.

I be speaking to some resource connections I have and see what can line up and set up for her

Let’s see if she burn bridge? I can not do for her – she HAS to do for herself – seriously – she has to be the one to want the change. It can NOT be for me!

She has to be at point where she done and ready – or I gonna have a shit show on hands.

But if she ready … get ready …

I can not believe I gonna take this on… but ok … come to me. But must be serious! 100%

Whew… it’s been emotional between my mom and my sister … and I am alone. Meh

I did do 2 relax things while here …

We went to a water park last Saturday ❤️ or whatever day it was … it was fun – I am very old now for severe water slides 🛝 lol

And I got my nails 💅 done with my sister-in-law – was early bday present to me, she say ❤️

In the light … they are pink…

Don’t totally inspect – I have a scar on that finger and I am a mom, so just pay attention to the color only – in light …that is the pink color they are

But look what happens in darkness… they glow in the dark 😮😮😮😮😮 I so love my fingers right now ❤️

Ok… so I do need something. But only from particular people… I need information in some stuff in the State of Maine – do I have any Mainer’s?? 🙏🙏🙏 I will give my email if you in Maine – I have questions and I try to search for info online but can not find anything I need… so ANY Mainer’s??

Ok I have to bring wheelchair to hosp

I try to be back early enough


Finally able to run ONE test on my mom – they struggle to keep her levels stable because there is some sort of internal bleeding… we can’t run tests because her levels off due to internal bleeding so it’s frustrating

Finally today they do colonoscopy and didn’t find anything – could possibly be small intestine in which case she must swallow small pill thing that is a camera … so they can maybe see the bleeding … we gonna try for that tmrw if she stable 🙏🙏

We against the clock because we also have a blood clot in her arm, and clogged arteries … so we work against that too – is time bombs ☹️💔

Monday she light up to see me, and I swear she was with me…

Tonight she still light up to see me – that is always … but she forget who I am 😭 she not know me 😭💔

And then also… when speak and ask questions she was talking kinda jibberish? Not really answering and then trail off and talk with her hands …

She laugh with me still and we took a good picture together ❤️

I do cherish every single moment

But is hard to see my mom who I love so incredibly much just be here like this now 😭💔

She so young to have like this 💔😭

And then just to lose my mom like that too 😭💔

Is a very heartbreaking disease.

Anyway to speak of it just makes me cry – I never cry with her… but as soon as we leave I do. And then when I speak of… because is hard for me to say… all my memories flash and just ya know losing her like this 💔 we are helpless and at mercy. 🙏

She just so young… and we lose her – I so jealous of families who have their parents into their 90’s … I still need and want my mom too…

But ya know – the way life goes – isn’t always what you thought or planned would be… you never know what life will become. We just here for little while.

Anyway – thank you for your thoughts and prayers – she looking so much better ❤️ we still have a lot of hurdles if possible. 🙏 I’m lucky to have every moment am able. Thank you god ❤️ thank you thank you thank you

I still cry – not like before when I so far away… I am comforted to be with what I have left of family …

They understand the emotions and also have them. How you explain your family to anyone else, BUT family ❤️ … is my blood people ❤️

Is nice to be with them at this moment ❤️ makes me just miss them.

And then to just be here close to my mom – to be with her ❤️ it’s both comforting to be here with her and also scary and emotional

I do not let her know my emotions… I want her to have peace … if she see me sad or whatever … it will make her sad so… I don’t want any negative or sadness for her. She does not need to see me cry – she will want to make it better for me and I don’t want her to worry. I’m ok – I just love her.

I just go in and talk and make her laugh – to watch her face… see her smile, hear her laugh … watch her eyes – the way they look so Irish when she smiles – she has such a innocent sweetness about her – everyone tells us she is such sweet kind lady even with Alzheimer’s she is motherly and thoughtful of others ❤️

She has the cutest little mannerisms … she always has…

My mom was really beautiful when she was young… down to earth though. Hard working and devoted.

She was dating someone when she met my dad… but then she met my dad lol ✌️

The story goes… that he liked her – she is 3 years older than he was … he wanted to ask her out but was afraid 🙄 …

So he immaturely had a friend ask her lol… he likes you and he wants to know if you would go out with him?

Lol … my mother said “if he wants to take me out, he needs to ask me himself” lol ❤️

And then since then they were inseparable.

Well … until 2017.

Anyway… see one minute is fine and I cherish moment and is happy am ok… and then next minute the depth of the loss hits me. It’s like this intense wave of emotion.

Sometimes when I write – it’s for myself… so I can kinda think my way through? Also maybe pep talk self to handle something. Or vent.

I can not help the crying – I can kinda keep it stable mostly – and I have happiness to be here with them… so I can function mostly.

Just certain tiny things will make me think of everything and then there is tears – is hard. I don’t want my mom to be sick, hurting, sad or anything bad! So hard to see 💔

Can I just wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her safe and ok forever? 🙏❤️ … I know, not possible

So… I don’t quite know how to process everything?

She will leave the hugest hole in my heart. 💔

How do you brace for that? I am afraid of that. Terrified so much!!!

I feel like my soul is at mercy… and with all that went through before … satan, all the losses and cancer things … I dunno that already kinda took my spirit down. Made me quiet. Life kinda beat me up

I have life and I love life but peacefully 🙏

I just have hard time to think of losing my mom – a really hard time – I think it will hit me hard – I worry about that. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be inconsolable 😮💔 you just gonna have to let that happen. Just warning you …

Also even though I am aware of reality and how life works… still makes me just feel such heavy loss 💔 and the emotion with that is intense.

So my mind is trying to just accept and be realistic – but my heart does not listen whatsoever – the heart is more over powering.

So I dunno, I struggle with how NOT to be inconsolable??

I’ll recover… but will take time til cried out. I will end up exhausting self – then I accept – after life just beats it into me 💔😩

I think back how I handle deaths… that is how I do

Kinda makes me feel more quiet? Spirit saddened

I dunno – it’s my mom ❤️ 💔

I might be in Texas for little while 😳 they being wonderful with me letting me work remotely ❤️ thank you to my team, management and my company for the mercy to let me be with my mom – thank you so much ❤️🙏

I am eating… the heat is nuts with humidity – the air so heavy with wet heat

Ok well I still work while here …. It’s still crazy from however many miles away lol

I am tired from emotions and crying and everything


I am comforted to work and help others and not constantly dwell on mine.

Please take my mind away. ✌️

I respond tmrw – am so exhausted

Many thoughts

There is not much going on… other than being with my mom… tomorrow is my brother and sister-in-law’s wedding anniversary – maybe we do movie ?

I ask if since I am here they want to go have date night? But they are an old married couple …so no they don’t lol

They say maybe we all go… and be together – ok so whatever is their anniversary. They totally old married couple – is like my parents … my brother is like my father …

My sister-in-law is similar to my mom… but toughened by life and not from yesteryear, she is modern and extremely independent.

They perfect together though – even with their old married couple banter lol


We all kinda ?? Somber?

My nephew is adorable he shows off whenever I come lol… he is a mini version of my brother lol… he does things that instantly remind me of my brother growing up – like deja vu

He even looks like my brother back in the day lol – he is 11.

Not much change with my mom at this moment.

She maybe have colonoscopy tmrw. Maybe we can see the problem?? 😳 and then what is problem?

Her arm so purple and awful looking but does look to be in healing mode.

It made me think about my own medical…

In small town – the doctors and hospitals “eh”

Understaffed, overworked and don’t have the things needed

In big city, they have everything and amazing doctors… so maybe I should switch to Sacramento? Maybe be better? – but is hour away from where I live, and I am emotional with it so?? The distance might be issue?

But big cities have everything compared to small towns

We are happy with staff and hospital – this one is really caring for her ❤️

My hospital texting me about taking my tests. I will message them tmrw.

I forgot to eat for awhile? I forgot to eat the day I took flight – because before flight I was just bundle of nerves…

I had snacks for on flight… but I didn’t want to take my mask down, enclosed with people like that. so I waited

I was gonna get something to eat when they almost stick me in San Diego … when they say flight delayed… I thought about it – but decided no because was massive busy! I just wanted to stay at gate, and luckily I did – because delay was only for moment and then they like nevermind – Dallas lifted the delay. So thank goodness I not go get food… but I was hungry at that moment … then I forgot and we fly again.

Same thing – I don’t wanna take mask down.

And then by time I get into Texas was so late … and all that drama… plus by time we finally get home it like 1:30am Texas time – immediately they asking if I hungry…

But by then I was just wiped and wanted a bed. So we just go to bed.

This morning I have coffee… but between my mom and work… I forget food.

Then at hospital and I keep not thinking at all about food. 😮😮

Then we leave hospital and they say you hungry?

Ummm 🤔 yes yes I am! I forgot all about food for moment 😮😮😮

So that sorta happened – I didn’t even notice for most part? Not even think of? 😮 I couldn’t remember when last ate and was Saturday night 😮

I eat today. Both lunch and dinner.

I will try not to forget.

I am just worried and I am also always in thought – so normally we excited and always talking… but I am silent thinking all the thoughts of things

I just lose self in thought

I think about my mom and what she feels, or knows? I think about times with her and moments I have now… I just drift away into memories


I feel happy and excited being here with my mom and family. But then also… I am scared. Very terrified. I stay positive and I try not to cry around people (it still happens but I try) … I not cry at all when with my mom ❤️

I be ok when I with her ❤️ and I just want her to have peace and happiness so… I don’t want her to see me cry… she will cry if I cry… we are mirrors of each other. She will feel my heart if I cry… so I just do funny and we laugh ❤️ I don’t want her feeling my broken heart… so no crying with her.

Is easy not to cry around her… is my mom ❤️ I am happy to be with her and the way she always lights up for me ❤️

That I can do…

It’s just when I think of all the millions of thoughts – or just the one of losing her… that makes me cry pretty much instantly. 💔

I am scared for me and I am scared for her

Ok let’s not talk about anymore because is making me cry…

So… what is happening in the world? Same shit diff day? Or anything new?

Everyone behaving? … or are leaders being buttheads still? I’m pretty sure I know that answer but whatever.

Omg gas is soooo cheap here in Texas!! I can’t get over it … barely $5.00 compared to my $6.69 in California!

I see the gas stations and is like I went back in time to when gas was cheaper lol

California is expensive with everything

Houses are cheaper here in Texas too

Many Californians moving to Texas lol

My company I work for is based out of Texas…

…my brothers company he works for is based in California lol… how funny is that?

Alright well… is 12:30 Texas time… I should probably sleep… I gonna try to work little tmrw – I have 9am meeting California time so would be 11am Texas time.

This heat they have though omg … 100’s all week and this weekend over 100… 102,103 & 104!! Omg in WET heat!!

It’s too hot to even be outside and the sun here just fries my skin in seconds 😮😳 and certain areas I don’t feel… my whole chest area I do not feel sunburn 😮 but it will burn and while I don’t feel it like normal sunburn… I still feel a burnt ness, but is different.

I wear spaghetti strap tank top today… my chest and breasts burnt really quick today and I was hardly outside!! Just being out and going to car.

So yup this sun fries me – and then the humidity makes me just red anyway – I am red everywhere! It is lightening my hair and eyes. It makes my eyes look haunting the way they lighten… It does normally back in California too… but takes all summer… and I do slow easy sun exposure… because sun ☀️ is too much for me mostly.

But this sun burns or lightens everything immediately… it does not do slow 😮 – also making more freckles pop!! Stop ✋ no more freckles – enough!! Stop ✋

So I have redness … and darker freckles and new ones … the sun is very strong out in the open here in Texas.

I have never been here during hot months… I stay away during summer – i know they have massive heat like California does. I was not aware of the humidity though! That takes little getting use to. – the air is heavy with hot moisture 😝

My California air is dry… I am used to dry like desert 🌵

It’s very flat here … but they building and have construction everywhere!! Everywhere everywhere everywhere!! 😮

There so much space for miles to build – and tons of highway overpasses and such! There this one area that is like maze of overpasses 😮 is crazy!

Anyway, I should probably sleep since I have to be up early tmrw – I gonna work remote for moment – I still have bills and things to pay so. Have to.

I am here so I am very lucky to have availability to work and also be here. 🙏❤️ so thankful

I would not be able to be here if they don’t let me still do. So very thankful they let me.

My life all off balance currently

Sometimes I think I see her?

Her face light up the minute I walked in that room!! 😮… her face was down and ho hum… and I walked in, she see me come around curtain and her face just lit up with huge smile ❤️ l

So I just grab chair and be beside her… she looks better than I expected… she has healing black eye from fall?

We can’t do any heart procedures like they suggest because her levels – they can’t stabilize her levels

As doctor talking to us, she listening to all his words… it look like she was in thought with the words?

Tmrw “maybe” we do colonoscopy ? But depends if she stable – we doing blood transfusion because she is losing red blood cells somewhere?

The doctor say they gonna give her something to make her poop … give her diarrhea … I look at her with wide eyes and she look at me and we laugh like little kids and make faces lol ❤️ she make me laugh with her faces so much ❤️ her personality is still there ❤️

And then I talk about things in the past… all the funny memories and things – and we laugh and laugh ❤️ I swear she is there???

Is it me just wanting her to be there? Or is she really truly there??… I think I can see and feel her sometimes like she is there with me 😮😮🙏 but I want that so bad so is it me?

When was just me and her I say “you ok? They taking good care of you?” She say “oh yes”

I said “are you scared?”

And she look at me and made sad face, put her eyes down, and then zoned back out on the tv. So I drop that and change subject to have her laugh again.

I would tell stories of past vacations or funny things and she laugh like she remember!! She can’t really speak much, so I just talk.

Her voice is soft and gentle. Kinda quiet and minimal.

But I swear sometimes I think she come to me?? But again is that because I want to believe that so badly or is she really with me?

Sometimes I swear she with me?? You should see her just light up when I walk in!! Full face light up and she reaches out for me when I sit next to her to hold hands ❤️ she just so happy when I am there with her – like she has comfort. We come to be with her.

But also… seeing me?? She maybe knows is serious? Was not a planned vacation for happy times.

Then she tired, so we left to let her sleep.

And then I keep thinking of her… what if she does know? She see me and maybe know? 😭💔

It’s very emotional thing to face your ending or your mortality.

And then to think about all of the life you leave behind 😭💔

So 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway… I been doing good not crying – I better go before I just keep crying.

My mom ❤️ she just lit up!! ❤️ I am her first born ❤️ I am funny like her and together we have comedic perfection lol ❤️ timing perfection and same wave length ❤️ she makes me smile always ❤️

We make faces and have animation lol ❤️ we still laugh ❤️

What if hurts her to leave as much as hurts us to lose? Because she has no control either

What if she still knows things ??

It makes me cry how badly I want to believe.

Anyway. Ok bye 👋 ❤️


It’s 1:30 in the morning here… but for me is only 11:30pm

I mask whole way… but not many people masking at all btw … is like Covid never happened ??

Ugh I can not fly Southwest … except for the people who work there I liked them, they were professional and kind… but the way the airline itself “herds” you on board 🤨 and then plane so small and everyone on top of you and ugh … it was just painful! No more Southwest, thank god one way! I am in pain and hurt now – that was stressful. And 2 legs!!! I had to change planes in San Diego which looked beautiful!!

I thought I get stuck in San Diego because we had delay from Dallas saying bad weather?? What??

So I text my brother & sister-in-law, and I say – hey! What bad weather you have?

And my sister-in-law says “it’s really fricken hot” lol

What??? They delay for heat?

But I look and it was thunderstorms or something – they say they got nothin but lightening … but ok lightening is fine for delay … but still do flight please don’t cancel cause I do not know anyone in San Diego 😮

Plus I already on late flight … I supposed to arrive at 11:06pm Sunday night Texas time… actual time arrived was maybe 12:06am Texas time on Monday morning.

But when we landed, there was a plane at our gate 🤨 so we sat on runway for 15 min 🤨… and then I’m way in the back so omg … yeah no Southwest – I just can’t

My favorite is Jet Blue, but they don’t have enough hubs… I do American usually – sometimes United

I think I could even do Spirit? I do not know anything about Spirit?

Could NOT be like Southwest. I just do not like to be herded ✌️ I also do not like the craziness OF that.

And no assigned seats 😮 … BUT 2 free bags ✌️ – only that I like that part ( and their employees )

This last minute and cheap. But I can not do Southwest… That was way way way too much. I just can’t … sardined cattle… kinda. I don’t like that, I can’t have it all like that when I am emotional

I just want chill and peaceful during this – that was not. I do different maybe to come home 🙏🙏

Is surreal and weird to be back. I have never been to visit during summer – I always wait for fall or holidays… always when cold.

I have never been here in summer … omg they have my heat …PLUS HUMIDITY!!! 😵

Oh is uncomfortable wet hot 😝 yuck! Wet hot!!

Friday gonna be 102… Saturday be 103… and it’s wet heat 😮

Whew ok.

They have my mom stable enough to go through the heart procedure today… Monday. We don’t know time yet. Whew.

So far I am still functioning and breathing. I will see her later.

I don’t know how I react? I cry so much – first with Chico … and then boom this… but then, what is to cry gonna do? It totally just exhausts me.

So… I have stopped crying for moment. I am not sure my reaction to my mom yet?

I’m just sensitive and protective – I just want her ok. So I am not sure how this will hit? It’s my mom so I am scared losing her 💔

But then I also don’t want her to be scared or feel that she has to make it better because I am sad… she is that way ❤️ she is a sweet loving woman… very caring of others …even with Alzheimer’s she is that way!! With complete strangers she is still that way ❤️ my mom ❤️

So I just want her to stay pleasantly happy ❤️ so her heart have peace and love … not know sadness

And my sadness is ok… I am losing my mom 💔😭 I cry there when I say that!! 💔

But I know is life and I have no choice, I have to accept and be happy to be blessed by someone so amazing as my mother ❤️

Still makes me sad … so I have to not think of that? But I will and I will want to soak every single moment 😮

So I am not sure how I am going to react ? Whew. It be fine… I be strong 🙏🙏🙏 I think ?? Maybe? Not sure? 🙏🙏🙏

Ok well been long day. I’m already into tmrw so… or today whatever lol ….’is Monday … and now would be 12:30am California time… is 2:30am Texas time

We gonna be at hosp – I be around when able – I will need to distract and or vent. 😳

Thank you everyone ❤️ thank you for thoughts and support ❤️🙏❤️ 💋

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