I dropped my daughter off with her friend today – they are going to Monterey, California for the weekend 🙌 … letting her have some life – I trust her ❤️ she’s an amazing daughter ❤️ smart girl and very responsible – there will be parents with her 😊
Ugh she’s old enough to have some life now 😮 … my baby 😮 where did the time go??
Ok so… I am supposed to meet a friend for lunch to catch up on life lol… normally he’s just normal friend – we be going to a restaurant
Which is fine… but lately I am extremely overwhelmed with attention!! I don’t know what happened to people – perhaps spring made everyone crazy??
Omg if I tell you all the shit – omg – every time I turn around!
It’s bad! It’s too much! I am way more quiet and reserved than people think I am… I like peace and slow – and I need to see who are and what want
My very best friend is a man… but he’s gay… so he is safe and non threatening – I never have to worry suddenly he gonna want me – I can just have peace with him … breath and not think about any of that. I trust him so completely – and he is an incredible person/human being – he is also Jewish ❤️ ✌️
Religion never gets in our way and meshes very nicely … his husband is also catholic and his husband grew up like me lol (only isn’t Irish)
But this guy I am catching up with is just a friend… we gonna talk over lunch and catch up.
And I am weird – so be careful 😘✌️ tiny little things will make me uncomfortable and sound my alarms 🚨
Ok so lately … I’ve been more visible 😝😩 ughhhh it just goes soooooooo bad!!! I am not that type!!!
Ugh ok
Well … I can not handle constantly being?? Asked out? If you know me then I’m ok as long as you don’t flip on me!!
I just need time
But it’s been bad all week! Even with that!! Omg
And then it’s starting to invade my life cause my coworkers are seeing it 😝😝😝 they tease me because is like all the time!! Ugh
Anyway… he make my alarm bells go off because he called me sweet pea 😮
Ok but… when I have to draw attention to us and I’m out there and being social because I have to!!
I don’t have a problem with that when it is professionally a thing… I know how to bring business – I’m very confident and ok with that
I just keep my mind very work focused – and since I am work focused when socializing I am blind to many other things – I have objective when socializing – I have purpose
But when it is on my own time I am much more reclusive ✌️ I fit with funerals lol 😘✌️ … or maybe it just fit me? I like peace and I have to recharge from all that
Soooooo … someone asked about me … I was just informed
I said what you mean they asking about me? And I was told “asked if you were single”
And … I know this person has a heart and compassion for others … I am impressed by the compassion and care they have towards another – very good kind loving heart
Plus – they have done the thing that is what I look for, why I fight so hard for… that one thing I always ask for and say no without… this person has already done that – that makes my heart bleed to think of and much respect 🙌
So I already know are capable and then that kinda drops a few guards cause I find that so utterly the most beautiful form of love and compassion
And they have had sadness and things like me so I can feel the heart
Anyway – they ask about me, and wanted my friend to give me their number 😮
Then even stopped by the funeral home to see me after I left for my daughter 😮
I do feel little overwhelmed because recently omg – both death and men are flooding in my life what is happening?? It totally feels like that
Look … I don’t really date – I work and I heal … my mind is only there only when you approach me in that way otherwise I don’t see well
If can be chill and not force shit on me I’m ok… and then also I am cautious because I wanna be sure with what I want.
I have never really dated as an adult – was together since 17 to Satan, and married at 20 … also mom at 20…
Lost my entire family to death… lost both parents pretty much simultaneously 😭💔
Went through violence and abuse with satan
And then I had cancer so … (oh yeah let’s go ahead and throw Covid on there because I survived that shit too) …
So I don’t know – I don’t know what I want. Because I depend on me… I don’t trust you to do that… I will never be at that mercy ever again – well I probably will someday… because “with love” you would have to trust so 🤷♀️ we see
I know this one asking about me is not that way… I know he is good heart – very kind soul
Plus … I’m weird – I don’t care if you think that… I have that silent thing
Ugh so recently I will give time to see who someone is – “slowly” or I shut down… you come in too hard – you are done
I will always respect another – so I watch to see if you give off that too …
But ok this is just getting way the hell over my head
When I used to work the golf course – it was feeling very similar just different job – one was happy / one is sadder lol ✌️ I am versatile lol 😘 they are 360 of each other job wise … but I feel same sort of thing happening
I am back in town and now I am visible and I’ve been drawing attention for work.
I have that urge to be in middle of nowhere ❤️ I loved it there ❤️❤️❤️ my respite ❤️❤️❤️
I was isolating BEFORE Covid … Covid just made everyone else join my bandwagon lol 😘✌️ I was isolating since my final surgery – I went into seclusion on July 9, 2019
Made it all normal – but it was comfortable and I work around it … was nice without pressure
I’m ok if you want to know me, I am fine with that… but I need no pressure and I need slow – plus I’m weird and I’m boring or I try to be – like to say I am lol 😘✌️ want to believe I am 🙏 I just smile a lot and I am full of life which I try to tone down – I think that’s the infectious ness? Plus I’m funny – and also pretty upfront and honest
I have a life spark/spirit – why I am still here and … I do love life … good and bad – I like the good better obviously lol – but I also know life ✌️ I fight for my life many times … I already alive – but certain areas I keep very guarded
So I am not in a position to really date but you can come know me and give me time – move in as a kind person and good friend – easy … not all crazy fast!!
Come meet me but be very aware – please don’t invade me. Let me breathe 🧘♂️
I survive always with laughter and good people
I have wonderful supportive and loving people in my life currently ❤️ so just because I’m cautious don’t go thinking I don’t have anyone and I need anyone – just because I isolate does not mean I don’t have people …
Ok well remember military – omg he does not let up…
This morning he asked me if he could stop by my work…
He want to know if he come by cause he said he has something for me …
I told him – “nope, not today… I am exploding and nope not today”
To which he replies, pick a more pleasant day and I’ll slip by … and then says – I pray for you 🤨
Whatever 🙄 – the answer was NO
So then tonight –
Let me just tell you right now… if you know me … you absolutely know Friday nights are for my kids – period … and don’t bother me unless emergency or if I invite you
What does this asshole do ? Always texts or tries to call on a Friday – NOPE 👎 not answering – declined/ not read
Who you think you are? Rude! Fridays are off limits – anyone close to me respects that!! So check yourself Asshole – immediately upon meeting him I say that … everyone knows that – I am very upfront with that. That is for my kids!
Anyway… tonight he text me and say:
I’ll be around most/all of tomorrow. Let me know if you schedule will allow me the 5 minutes to thank you for something. That’s all I am asking for.
And then continues and says he hopes St Patrick is shining on me
What the fuck?!
What could you have and what do you want to thank me for? What?
I feel like he’s attempting to manipulate
Yeah – I am stubborn and firey …
I have told him we exploding – if knew me – would know I need time to self … and also Friday nights are always a no!! I won’t answer at all on Fridays
And ya know Asshole step it back stop forcing yourself… holy shit
I can not handle this right now – please leave me alone
I do not want to be forced upon and I feel like that is what he is doing – he just forces himself
I feel like he is trying to manipulate but he is not sure exactly which tactic … it is because I do have a soft kind heart so he knows that – so he figures he can manipulate that if he can reach my emotions
Pffft … AS IF! See what you don’t count on is a firey stubbornness … and I have massive guards up with him – no way will he reach my emotions!!
Pushing yourself on me IS NOT the way to get to me … holy crap?
Obviously he does not care I am exploding and did hear me say that? Just wants to force himself
I do not like that at all
It does make me nervous too cause ok what kinda situation is this gonna be ? Please do not stalk
Please leave me alone
I want some time off from the world
He makes me feel INSTANT stress ugh cause it’s always something I can not – instantly I am tense
He can’t have any empathy or understanding – only what he feels HE wants
Yeah no buddy
… remember the contractor? That I told you about yesterday – or whatever day it was I mentioned…
Well I was supposed to meet with him to discuss fence and things … but I am exploding at work so I asked if could take rain check
This week was overwhelming and emotional
There were moments I cried 😮 so I just want some time… I told him it was rough at work and apologized but I needed some time, could I rain check?
Anyway … the contractors response to me was :
Ya of course, I totally understand. Whenever you want me, I’ll be there!
😮😮 THAT was really sweet – I didn’t have to explain and he didn’t just try to force anyway – he didn’t make me feel bad AND accepted what I say without any kind of judgement … and allow me to have my peace… so I like that!! I felt that was very respectful. 😊
He does know what I do and can give me that understanding 😊👏 I appreciate that sooo much
But military will not let up. Ugh
I have told him I just can’t see him. I just can’t
He does it ALL wrong!!
I won’t be ok with him because he can’t hear anything I say and understands nothing – no empathy or compassion for others
Yeah no I can’t do that
So how do I handle this? I feel I tell him no and then he just reasks or finds SOMETHING he just HAS to see me about or talk to me about
I feel like he wants to figure out how to get to me – he is not going to do that.
I told him from beginning exactly what my issues were and none he has respected or thought of at all so … buddy is barking up wrong tree
He can’t even respect Friday nights
So I dunno .
I’m too tired 🥱 my brain is too fried – but I want to mention because – what do I do? 🤷♀️
Ugh 😩 I do not need this! Please just give me peace ☮️
If you can’t give peace – I don’t want you …
He is not understanding me at all – please leave me alone
Anyway I am frustrated to deal with this
He is total Trump’er how do I stop it?
Ok I need sleep!!! Good night 💤
And ps … I just gonna add my favorite SNL skit cause makes me feel better ❤️
Every time I see it – it makes me laugh – I could watch over and over and still makes me laugh lol ❤️
But then, I had to close fh for a minute to run to a cemetery … the next of kin ask for me … was crying … so I hug, comfort and talk to for minute. ❤️☹️
Is beautiful day – and those things remind me of why I do what I do… is people like that – which you don’t want suffering or hurting
So we burning out but then sometimes people make it worth it and you remember why you live in the first place
But still – there’s gonna be burn out – we need help
Ok well – today was crazy – but really, what day is not crazy?
I tried to rush the week today – cause I kept thinking it was Thursday … now my brain is all weird on it actually being Wednesday … but ok – 2 more days … tomorrow is Thursday … I get ahead of myself sometimes lol 🤷♀️
The days blend 😮
I think one of my neighbors died?? 😮 I do not know them… I don’t know if I have them 😮
They are across street from me, and are known as one of the founding families of my town. It was incorporated in 1890 – so is still rather young compared to others.
Anyway – I think the old gentleman died… I didn’t see them very much … but every so often he must have had appts or something cause I would see a woman maybe in 60’s ? bring him home.
He walked so slowly – small baby steps and would take them forever to get inside. He was very elderly.
They are quiet unseen neighbors usually.
But yesterday and today – many unknown vehicles all up and down street. Also one right in front of my house. Which is fine – is just me – I don’t care … I park in my driveway
So today I had to call my elderly neighbor cause I knew I had a package 📦 I could not leave work so I called and asked if he could get for me.
Of course he say yes ❤️ he is sooo good to me – he always watches my house and he is just right with socialization – not overly and not underly lol ✌️
He is very similar to me in those terms. I think he doesn’t mind me because I work all the time and I am not invading his space lol ✌️
But we enjoy talking to each other for brief moments. He will call me on Sundays usually to make sure I am still alive over here 😄😄 … that’s what he always says … “hey girl, you still alive over there?” Lol …I’m just a quiet neighbor too. 😘✌️ … no excitement over here – nothing to see lol
I should be the one checking on him – but he checks on me lol ❤️
He also… since the day I moved in – takes down my garbage cans – before I get home from work the day before garbage day – all perfectly placed… and then will take them back up for me, before I get home ON garbage day ❤️ never misses a week ❤️ I never asked – he just does 😊🫶
Anyway … so he came over while I was at work to get my package for me… I was thinking was the small one I ordered … I ordered some things to take care of my yard – I’m gonna attempt to do myself so we will see how that goes … but yeah instead of the smaller package … it was the lawnmower I ordered 😮😮
Later – I see the doorbell camera and he comes over to get package – tries to pick up… but it is heavy lol … so he places it back down… leaves for a second and comes back with a Dolly 😮 OMG I asked my elderly neighbor to come get my heavy package 😮😮😮😮
Awww and he still did for me ❤️
I told him I was not in rush to get it – lol … like I said is for yard work lol … not my thing ✌️😘
But the moment I got home – there he is with my package lol ❤️
I stood outside and spoke to him for few minutes … I asked if he knew who’s car was in front of my house?
He says … I dunno, I just figured it was your boyfriend lol
Ughhhh no lol … he says that every time there is a car in front of my house – sometimes it is my friends … not boyfriends lol – but that’s once in blue moons … I have one friend who was coming over on Fridays …cause they had no one for a minute – so they came to join family night.
And sometimes during work hours – one of the traveling funeral people who is one of my friends I don’t see too often – we will go to my house to have lunch and so she can see Doby ❤️
But usually no … military came over for dinner once before I learn many things. ✌️
Anyway – he always says that lol … I do not have time for a boyfriend – but if someone wants to park their car in front of my house and appear like I have a boyfriend … that is fine 😄✌️
I didn’t think of it that way until he said that lol … now yes go ahead park at my house lol
I do not know who’s vehicle it was – and neither did he.
My neighbor said last week there was 2 fire trucks 🚒 at that house … 😮 so yes I’m thinking death ☠️
But then ya know…. I always think death – I am surrounded by death, so that’s a thing … death is my life 😮 so I notice it. I’m pretty sure
If you had told me death would be my life one day – I would have told you – you were crazy!! I am happy person – never depressed – once in awhile I am human and have emotions lol … but mostly is happy and loving life … how could death come near me? – well here we are lol 🤷♀️ stranger things have happened
As we were talking – someone came outside… they were wearing ALL BLACK 😮😮
I leaned into him and said – see I told you, he probably died, they are wearing all black and there are tons of vehicles everywhere – is probably family.
It was death – I am pretty sure – I just know death very well ✌️😮😮
Then we started telling stories to each other about the neighborhood and town when was founded – history things – not gossip – only death gossip – I am pretty sure the old old elderly man died ☹️
I think my neighbor actually is interested and curious about my job and I make him think… he will shyly ask me questions about preparing for death and making arrangements – he is curious but I think he is also afraid lol … he is adorable 🥰 I really like him 😊❤️ …in a normal way, just being clear ✌️
So… today at work… I have a contractor I have known for few years… he started helping me when I first brought my home. Just a nice honest guy, always respectful. Decent human being 😊
Anyway – I had a family at work today – well they are not one of my families yet – but will be ☹️
I completely connected with them 😮 because is about to lose both parents boom boom ☹️ 💔
I could tell when I spoke to her she had been crying for a long time before she called me. I could hear the stuffed nose – I could tell she had been crying for awhile 💔
Well she needed some help on something totally different once I helped her and she told me everything.
So I said “I know a guy” lol … let me check with him and then I will forward you his information. She was thankful.
So I called him … and he was very happy to hear from me – which is fine … because I am like that too – if I like you and enjoy you – my face will light up, I will have huge smile – and I’m Irish – so it’s my whole face!!!! …. that’s probably half my problem!!! ~sigh~
Anyway – I called him and he was happier than usual to hear from me – it’s only been a few weeks – he did some lighting work at the FH.
I did speak to him the other day to ask how much I would need to save for him to fix my fence which all fell 🤨 … not gonna fix yet, cause I have to save … and I’m gonna wait until I don’t have anymore atmospheric issues 🤨 … but I wanted to know how much approx to save.
During that convo… he said to me – I was gonna call you and say hello, but I didn’t wanna freak you out lol … that’s because since he’s been doing work for me for awhile – I am very straight forward if you gonna deal with me – I gonna lay my shit out and if you can handle – great – if not – whatever
Know who you deal with ✌️
I like him as person but … it does give me little caution 🤷♀️ he was nice though – and he’s very respectful cause he does not want to invade or intrude me … he is cautious how he is with me so he does not scare me away lol 🤷♀️ but yes … he makes sure is ok before doing anything. He will wait for me to call or text – it has always been business but I dunno?? I just have some alerts 🚨 going off lol … when it happens all the time – you start to notice 😶
Also when I asked him about the money and the fence … he said aww well we will see – I have some of the materials and we will see what we need
😶 lol … I said … well yes but I wanna know what to pay you too lol
The whole time I have dealt with him – he request very little … I would always pay little more cause he wicked low balls – this was no different – so I will save more than he asks for. But he has always done that – and I, in return – always pay little bit extra for him – not a ton because I do not have alot – but he is also good to me – so I am thankful – he is also honest
So today, I tell him about the family… and I said listen – you can totally say no… I am just asking on their behalf if is ok to pass along your number and also if you would be able to help them? I know very little details.
He say yes… he has some big jobs going on – but he would see if he can fit the family in his schedule
So I’m glad he will try to help the family 👏🙏
I am not sure what to think – because alarms 🚨 are going off in my head cause … I dunno 🤷♀️… careful … approach with caution lol ✌️
No pressure or anything lol
But yeah … it’s a thing always … always always always
Maybe is nothing and be totally fine – I just hesitate cause ya know 🤷♀️ this is a thing that goes on… I am feeling alarms and caution – not because I don’t think he is good person – he totally is, and he’s cute… he is younger etc etc
He is respectful and I’ve known him for few years now…
I just have caution cause I just do ⚠️ because lately – everything is wacky!! And this has been happening a lot … and then almost seems to be all the time
I am also cautious because if you gonna approach my life – do not stress it out with things, do not ever try to tell me what to do or how to be – I will fight for my freedom so step carefully – and he does and he’s cautious … but so am I
I think he is little intimidated? Because I am pretty and strong woman – so he is very careful lol
I do know the power of a woman and I know my own power … I am very careful with it too 🫥 or try to anyway
I am independent so I depend on me… I do not chase or need any man
I think he is more used to a woman who is little more subservient or need to be with someone – I am not that way. I have had time to rebuild self and not need
Sooooo lol … I don’t know if he knows how to approach that – he is seeming very careful lol
Yeah I don’t know 🤷♀️ … don’t be a pompous ass or satan, let me be me, maybe know my mind rather than my body or beauty ? And then also, you are gonna have to understand my life… Soooo can you hang or what?
I’m gonna try to be really fast here ??? Because I am exhausted!! But I have a couple things to quickly share …
Ok let me see … I literally just applied for for something I don’t know yet … I am not sure if would be ok or not. We will see – I will tell you if I go this route lol ✌️
I wrote the cover letter, introduction and attached resume 😮😮😮
My heart raced 😮 I also question what I am doing.
But we see – shot in dark. I wanna see my chances – I just wanna see
My mom would always use “relations”… so she would say is like I am dipping only my big toe in the water, instead of fully jumping in lol … yes! I do not like the shock of jumping in ice cold water lol … I want to “feel” it first. Lol make sure it’s ok.
My whole life Boston was always there and a place I was – my one constant always ❤️ I love the feeling of her and of Massachusetts ❤️ that is where I get my spirit from 😉😘✌️❤️
Learning Life 