Monday Monday

Well – hello … it’s Monday 😑

Why would I ever think I could come in on a Monday and have it be chill? Nope cause just wanna make sure I am awake

Last night the alarm system tripped that there was a medical emergency at the home 🤨 there was not and there was no one there… but I am 2 seconds away so I went down and checked it out and locked up and set alarm 🚨

This morning when I came in – my screen was black and no way to enter my code and then the loud ass alarm goes off with burglary alarm and tells ALL bosses and then I have alarm company calling me asking do I want dispatch

Omg I am awake 😳😳

And then it wouldn’t shut off so … I’m pressing some button on side and nothing… finally shuts off after 5 minutes of that… but I had to prop open the front door and put a sign DO NOT CLOSE cause would make alarm go off again and again

Anyway – have it mostly ok… someone coming tmrw

So that was my Monday morning wake up and cardio lol ✌️

Yes!! 🤨 Monday!!

Other than that – I doing millions of things – but it’s like you work work work and work all day but end of day – you feel like “what just happened to the day? And what did I get done?” Today fly by too fast!!


I did not like that Monday morning wake me up…

It reminds me of when I was a teen and my mom bought me one of those stupid alarm clocks with the two bells on top ⏰

I tried it ONE time at 15 years old and told her nope

I swear I almost had a heart attack at 15 one morning!!

So nope 👎 never again have ever allowed that alarm clock in my vicinity lol

I don’t know that this following ringtone would wake me either but I do like it … I know is some horror thing because I read the comments lol .. but I don’t know from what… don’t follow horror or anything … so I just like the mellow of the music 🎶

Sounds super natural- ish lol … I didn’t think horror until I read the comments lol 🤷‍♀️

Actually I use the lol … nuclear ☢️ alarm to wake me up lol … set several times lol because I snooze 💤

It is very hard to remove myself from bed because it is freezing cold and no one wants to come out from covers, on a Monday especially, for that.

Omg the more I want spring the more I don’t have it … but I don’t know how to NOT want it so badly 😮

I just do way better and am way more alive in warmer weather – cold weather makes me slower – my blood freezes I’m sure of it lol

But I do have sun ☀️ ❤️❤️❤️

The nights are cold 🥶 daytime I can somewhat handle

Also if you let me gripe for a minute … I have PG&E and omg my electricity rates 😮😮 you know why?? Because they have monopoly here and we the customer get to pay for all the lawsuits they have

Where is government protection on that shit??

Griping all done ✔️ just wanted to mention ✌️🤨… cause I don’t like them – they suck!

Every time you turn around they suck even more – every turn!! I really don’t like them ✌️ is poster child of greed – so many lawsuits against them

State should take over – ok I’m done – no more …

They are awful. ☹️ evil

But ya know – at mercy so 🤷‍♀️

Anyway… moving on to other things …

When I talk to military … there are things I can not speak of at all … I can not physically speak certain things at all because the wave of emotion is way way way too much so no…

He is ok with giving me time

But it’s just weird – I will think I can speak it and try but then no… I can’t so 🤷‍♀️ doesn’t need to be spoken anyway. I just don’t like that is like that.

It’s not that I’m not at ease … I am … is the emotional wave that is too much with certain things and I can not even – but I really don’t see need to revisit or awaken any devil – I can not 😮

Interesting huh? Physically impossible to speak of 😮

Well anyway just sharing because we talk and then sometimes I will try, but is always that I can not speak certain things or moments …

It is slightly frustrating to me? Cause I can never speak something … but that is good right? Is peace anyway.

So I dunno – also just mentioning that cause is little odd

I also have things that I avoid because of same thing… I also can’t speak that either

But I can’t do anything about it I just can’t … so – we can deal with that later

So… yeah I have many thoughts on that. But not for now. I’m too tired 🥱 😩 … this is why I have to use the nuclear alarm lol

Ok… now Tuesday 👏 please be good 🙏🙏🙏

My fence fell

And there we are 🙌 🤨


So now I will need help 🤨😝 meh – if my chest was normal I would do myself … but I won’t be able to

Ugh it’s pouring and I keep hearing loud thuds… like fences or trees

Ok just a little longer – then we see what damage is totally and try to at least somewhat fix before any other rain 🌧️

We will have break Tuesday and Wednesday … supposably small tiny system on Thursday 😑

And then I think I have one week… before more 😮

Well 2023 is certainly washing shit out

Ugh 😩 little longer – yes I am whining – is winter and is this …

What natural disasters does your area have ?

If you live in tornado Alley – I will never live there because I could not handle that… I do not like tornados … wildly destructive – nope 👎

But who has the least natural disasters??

To google it tells me Monaco and Andorra

This is my most recent forecast …

Monday evening 🙌👏👏 and it’s mostly done ❤️ and again … no one better even say the word drought here over summer!!

Almost ready to dry out and then repairs and things I will have to do.

I’m so excited it’s gonna stop!! We have had 9 storms since New Year’s Eve – it has rained literally all of January so far!!

Almost there 🙌 ❤️

I have so many repairs to do 😮 my fence, gazebo, my yard – and check the rest out

This weekend I did almost nothing mostly ❤️

Just cleaned 🧽- but I have to cause someone (🐾) with the rain …leaves footprints all over my floors and that drives me up a wall

He actually slept with me last night – it was pouring and he just snuggled up with me, and he was being so good and very sweet so thought ok – I will let him have a night lol

I just don’t wanna start a habit cause usually Doby FULL of energy and when I have to sleep I can’t have him all energetic – but since he was maybe little over the rain and really tired yesterday it was fine – he was a good boy ❤️ stayed in bed with me whole night and then this morning he did not want to get OUT of bed lol 😄🙄 yeah baby see how is? Lol 💋

Ok so Monday tmrw 😝😝😝

I just love that woman’s voice so much… I love all their songs because of her voice – is so perfect ❤️

My favorite is this one:


Her voice ❤️❤️❤️ I just love her voice above all others always ❤️ since I was a child I love her voice

I also love this one ❤️


I wish she didn’t die so young… she was 32… because of an eating disorder.

Great loss! ☹️ but in life happens – you never know

Military is still around my life … I forgot something and he had every right to be really mad at me! Normally satan would have been furious and called me names and said mean things … made me feel bad …

But military didn’t … he didn’t even flinch like was big deal 😮… he was like that’s fine whatever, it’s ok, not a big deal 😮

I was surprised little bit – but good

There gonna be some things that he will run into with me… things like that…

And then, I am slower than him… I need time – which he is also fine with so far

I’m honest with things – I will say whatever I think …

Sometimes he has me quiet cause he makes me think?

He keeps mentioning my 👩🏻‍🦰 red hair… he has a red hair thing lol … and freckles

Also ??? He loves my knees lol he says they are perfect … no one ever has commented on my knees lol… legs yes… smile yes… eyes yes … body yes… but never the knees?? That is funny – odd – but funny

One time in band camp lol – I’m kidding … but once when my daughter was in a band concert they had to wear long skirts that covered their ankles because teacher said ankles were too sexy lol

“Ankles” lol ewww whatever

But that is WAY better than seeing how they dress at school in high school now 😮😮😵😵

I’m not even sure there is a dress code anymore 😳😮😮

I think back… what was I like? I did mini skirts – loved those … I would push it sometimes sure lol

Once my grandparents (yes my grandparents) bought me a bustier a colorful pretty one with roses 🌹… was a summer shirt

I fricken LOVED it lol … omg it looked so amazing and I just loved it ❤️❤️

My parents however – did not 😄😄😄

So I would have it in my backpack and when away from home change lol 🙌… ahhh girls lol … but was also awesome gift from grandparents ❤️

I did the same with make up – I wasn’t allowed to wear make up … but I would put make up on while riding the bus lol

And take it off on the way home lol ✌️ I may have been a handful of teenager lol

I was also in gymnastics so one day I went to jump and flip off the vault and I had a spotter … I jumped … and flipped … and when I came down spotter thought was fine but I flew back up and mat slid out and I came down on ground 😮

So they call my mom lol I broke my leg

I had been crying and black mascara ran down my face (I had forgotten I had put make up on 😮)

So she see me and says “what’s that black on your face?” I say oh I been crying … she ask have you been wearing make up? Ohhh my leg and then she felt bad so she just let me after that lol … I was maybe 15?

My father had a hard time with me growing up lol

That’s me… and then one day I became a woman lol … he did not like that one bit lol

Yeah he had a really hard time with that. And those are fairly recent within a 5 year range in my 40’s – I never change

When I was little it was fine … people would stop my parents just to comment on my Irish ness 🙄 they loved it lol

But as I got older people would say oh she’s gonna be a little heartbreaker lol – they didn’t like that so much lol

I have never been a heartbreaker

Never heartbreaker… I was more the sweetheart ? I was nice to everyone and protective … I fit in all groups usually …

Recently my daughter said to me – you were a popular girl

I said no I wasn’t

And she says “yes you were – you have that vibe” 😮😮

No I was always new girl – I had to fit in real quick

She asked … did everyone know you?

Well fricken yes lol … I was always new girl – you always noticed when new – everyone wants to know who you are … girls wanna see who you are and boys wanna see who you are too lol … of course I was known lol – that does not make me popular lol … just a curiosity

I was sporty – track, swimming, volleyball ❤️

But she insists I was a popular girl 🙄

Whatever – I was not – I didn’t have time ever to become part of any group – I was just known always because I was new and also kind

Funny how she judge based on either my looks or personality? Or a mix of? But interesting

I’ve always had a fire and spirit

But I am this:

And this:

I also think that pulls military in cause I am little different – he has commented on that also

I tell him I am very boring – but he doesn’t think so… I am boring

My lips are devil red … and I do live la Vida Loca … I have infectious personality that will make you fall quick – but I am boring

I love to be boring lol

He thinks is because I was hurt lol – ok maybe

But I love being away from world in certain aspects

He can teach me to live life and I can teach him boring … I think he needs a little boring – I like to take in the peace of life – I have needed it – but also strong spirited so I don’t seem boring

I’m pretty sure I’m mostly boring ✌️😄 I just have spirit

I was always little different always – cause I so new always

But I like the peaceful and boring aspects ❤️ will just take me awhile ✌️

Just remember “boring”

I just have to convince that lol ✌️I am boring…he just doesn’t believe me

Also my funeral people are all up on me to throw that housewarming that I should have thrown a year ago 😮 maybe we see – let me handle my damage first

Then we can do a party

Little by little people!!! Not all crazy please 🙏

Just slowly is good 😊 with everything except rain – that can finish fast! 🙏🙏🙏

I just like to take the world in slowly since been through a lot ✌️

I do promise you I am boring – every time I add something I think that is not boring – but I am – just go with it ✌️ is spirit that isn’t boring but I like boring

This weekend I have totally enjoyed boring ❤️ I am always begging for that week in March!! Ahhh to be boring ❤️ and not noticed

He is opposite of me with attention. He likes attention – I do not lol – that’s a little funny

I live a crazy life in death – he doesn’t know this yet

He knows what I do – but he doesn’t know

He will learn lol ✌️😘

Let life flow

So this is my life :

Ugh it’s so fuckin rainy!!! Have I said how much I hate winter??? Omg

Ugh … I am in the foothills – we being pummeled 😮 so much flooding and problems!!

Let me just repeat …

After this weekend there should be sun ☀️ omg glorious sun ☀️

After Tuesday 🙏🙏🙏

I just have to get through Saturday Sunday and stupid Monday ugh 😑… it’s just a little longer

We soooooo flooded … it traps you!! You can’t go places you need to because roads are shut down

Omg and cemeteries 😮😮 trees are uprooting 😮… and when they dig a grave even with a tent – the water pours in – they have to pump constantly 😮😮😮

You don’t think of that do you??

We had some locations without power and having services by candlelight 🕯️… it was quite beautiful and had a element of old school 😮 I kinda liked it … but you know… am old soul so 🤷‍♀️

We have service on Sunday 😮 and Monday 😮

We so water logged and damaged – a lot of damage and flooding everywhere already!! Winds are insane!! And then add that rain we have had SINCE NEW YEARS EVE!!! Omg – killing me!!!

Doby does not like the rain either lol

Please just go away!! This is why you need to spread it out across the year!!! Not ALL at once!!!

I’m just really tired of rain and flooding everywhere – every day you just soaked – and you can’t use roads – only the main roads are somewhat drivable – but even they get shut down 😮… so then we cut off from places 😮

I wonder if the underground of Sacramento is completely flooded ? It must be!! I’m sooo curious!!

Well anyway – I have no idea what is happening anywhere else cause of work and floods 🫤

My fence is mostly still standing – once section fell – it will need to be replaced. Few other sections are iffy – there is nothing I can do at this point – “act of god” so whatever … it’s still destroying my gazebo so also whatever – as long as no trees or power lines fall and hit my house 😮🙏

Ugh almost done 🙏🙏🙏🙏

It’s just powerful sheets and sheets of rain – please don’t break my windows 😮😳

Here is a video from outside my front door 😮 this is our rain … look to the side of the video and you see Doby looking out and then being like “nope” 😄😄❤️❤️❤️ oh he is sooo my baby!! I have now placed pee pads by the door because my back yard is a small lake 😮

But check it…

Hahaha he is sooo funny 😄😄❤️

He does not like not going outside – he has too much energy NOT to go outside omg … there are lakes everywhere now!! Omg … my whole side yard one BIG lake!!! You can Wade in the water 😮😮😝😝 omg gross!

Is slightly flooding my garage 😝 ugh – please no roof issues 🙏 so far am ok there

I also hope funeral home doing ok 😳🙏 ugh

Ok well – I won’t have to water my shit for long time lol 👏👏

I be back in little bit – let me just situate stuff in garage 😑 meh – life making me have to go through things 🫤😑

Meh … I say something to my people at work about how exhausted I am… and they say “Trisha – you can sleep when you dead” 🫤😑 ahhhh funeral people lol 🙄 ✌️

Happy Friday the 13th


I’m so busy and tired – another storm this weekend


That’s newest update

Omg make winter stop ✋ I’m over it!!

I live where??? California 🙄 … where is my fricken sun?? Enough – I swear to god if anyone says drought this summer!!!

Anyway… alright well we see what happens

One more crazy day and then stormy weekend and I am not doing ANYTHING!!!! Zip zero nada

Ok more storm – this is fine

I will be back probably tmrw as long as my house not crumble, blow away, power lines fall, tree falls – I don’t even know

No – no I can not stand the rain much longer – omg please stop ✋ ugh 😑

Ok well I have to work so …

Happy Friday the 13th 😮😳

Also… rest in peace Lisa Marie ❤️💔

Very heartbreaking 💔


Doby ❤️ he’s gotten so big… some would like to see pics … here is my baby…

In the beginning … 😮😮❤️❤️:

Lol ❤️❤️❤️

And now…

My little boy is growing up lol ❤️

His legs really long like mine lol… stretch 😄😄

His body is SOLID!!!! But everyday he more and more my baby ❤️

He is sooo funny ❤️❤️ also very heavy now. On occasion he be an asshole lol – but whatever – he listens and loves 💕 ❤️ I love him ❤️❤️❤️

As far as our weather, we under area flood watch because yes we have flooding. Currently it has paused raining … we will have one break from rain on Friday and then 40 days and 40 nights lol – kidding but yes for many many days

I am rained out… bleh … I need sun!!! I am dying for sun!!! 🥀

Here is my area info:

A lot of clean up of branches and trees and flooding in back road areas.

Monday they say be really bad … ok so we see

I would say we were taken by surprise on New Years Eve… we did not expect that much rain like that… and today was just boring rain, not pummeling

Here is another channels forecast :

Ugghhhh much LOOONGER for spring???

God I need sun!!! And warm ness

California is USUALLY NOT this insane

And DO NOT even mention drought, come summer 😶 !!!! I do not want to hear that this summer!!!

Ugh winter … cmon … enough… I am ready for spring ugh please enough … I need sun and not be cold and wet all the time!!! I look like crap every single day …

At home look great … leave house and be drown rat 🐀

Things with military are going well.

But he wanna move really really fast and that is just not even a reality at this moment ??

I have a daughter I am raising… so … I’m gonna need understanding and no pressure with that

I enjoy seeing him yes … I like him and feel at ease … but work also kills me …

My life always just work and kids … so … is different to have someone suddenly in your life? I got used to not having that…. So is an adjustment – but would be that way probably for anyone while I am at this job.

And he’s like 40 min away… and storming

This week at work killing me!! But when is it not?

And I have daughter… so not gonna see him for awhile?? Not sure?

I like him and that’s fine with me… not that I don’t love being around… is ok to have life too? Happens

Meaning realistically – like tonight for example… I got so beat at work today!! Omg sooo busy and nuts and crazy… so I come home exhausted – it had rained all day

So ya know… I just wanna go home and get in my warm Jammie’s – and be all cozy comfy warm

… my job exhausts me and it’s winter and rainy!!! You lucky on a good day lol 😘✌️🤷‍♀️

And I work sooooo hard for years and years … to build and live HERE. So… my days of driving were over 🙌

But now I drive again – he’s worth it … but my job is so incredibly draining … so …. It’s just something to get used to??

I don’t wanna burn myself out completely – I would like to NOT become my own customer!! 😮

It’s just a very draining crazy job sometimes

We talk but this week with rain and then my week has been nuts – let me introduce my world

I don’t respond sometimes too … because omg I am in middle of crazy or something and sometimes I am only one there … so … is not because I don’t like… it’s just a crazy job and I respond first chance I get

So we learning

Well anyway – bedtime again 😩 I can barely keep eyes open they hurt

Since weekend storm maybe I get to hunker down and veg? 🙏🙏🙏 we see – I want to do nothing

😩 I just wanna be lazy for a day!!


Last nights storm was not bad … a lot of down tree limbs and some trees – but wasn’t crazy bad

Is not over – we have a one /two punch coming at us this weekend

It’s been pouring all day long – pouring boring rain ☔️

If we survive the weekend we ok

Is California weather people – they are used to sunny and warm so maybe they wrong

So far so good – I say as it pours

Doby does NOT like wind OR rain lol 😄

I can not pick him up anymore – he is too big now – maybe 40 pounds so I have to shove him out the door lol


We see what happens lol ✌️

When life happens 😮

It’s been bad and is raining again!! 😮😮 is soooo much flooding!!!

We are totally already saturated 😮 and being pounded again at this moment … my yard … is a moat … I now officially have a castle compound lol … moat and all 😮 my backyard a complete lake 😮

So much flooding

And with military I understand him more and I like him a lot so… so far is going well

Ya know he’s kinda republican and stuff lol … but he’s good, he’s smart, funny – very sweet.

He just lights up to see me always!! Just his whole face lol … every time he sees me! he is totally like this:

That is how he is with me …then he just smiles when with me – except if we talk about emotional stuff – cause some of that is sad and hard.

I said to him … look I don’t want you to to have a fantasy of me or anything ? I don’t want you to believe I am something I am not? Thinking that I am certain ways … you may find me boring ? I do not like any kind of drama 🎭 I told him I am different because of what went through and then also I work in funerals – so I just like the peace

And he just said – I know who you are, I know you are different – and then he said… I want that… and he made a real quick comment about the pressure he has.

So I slowly see … he has very fast paced life… but with me he can be himself and say whatever, and then I just have a peace or whatever 🤷‍♀️

I make a point to always say that I need the peace because is how I keep balance and how I cope. He is aware of my trauma I tell him enough to know is a serious thing

When he is with me the world just melts away… we laugh and talk… so I think with me is lifting of pressure he normally has?

He keeps saying he wanna escape away with me lol

Yeah he needs little soul respite lol … but yeah society and media/ especially social media has severe effects on mental well being – I am not a doctor – just an observer with an opinion lol

I think is negative and causes depression – on TOP of life’s normal hits

If you only knew how freeing it is to not care 🙌❤️ not have that chatter – have freedom to be however wish to be without influence ❤️👏 mostly lol … I am influenced by those I love and admire ❤️

Anyway… so yeah

He wanted to do dinner last night so ok … but my GPS did not account for flooding??? 😮😮 omg why you not account for flooding???!!!! Ugh whatever – what kind of GPS does not account for road situations??!!

I do not go out usually – so ya know I don’t like night driving and stupid people with brights on and don’t turn off when you right there – Jeez! Learn some consideration

And he told me to take one way… but ya know … I’m gonna do my own thing lol … I will hear you, but I will think I know better lol 😄😄 🤷‍♀️

So I will do my way – which would have been totally fine if stupid GPS would account for flooding!! Omg everything is flooded soooooo badly!!! Like LAKES instead of roads 😮😮

I wanted to attempt so badly – but no … I know my luck when I push it lol ✌️😘 I do not want that lol

So anyway took me awhile to get there because of flooding

So I thought ok … let’s just see how he handles me?

Well … he was just happy to see me as I mumbled about that drive lol

Later we talk and he tell me … at first he was stressed cause I late but then he said he thought “this beautiful woman is coming out to dinner with me and making effort coming to see me” so he just went with it and let go cause he just happy to see me

Ahhh nice answer – nice handle

I know he is not used to my ways at all… but he does good. I am very different than he is…

But I think he wanna be little slower and free’er? Not have heavy pressure

Also he lets me take my time telling him anything about me 🥰❤️ he will ask… I am little uncomfortable with just speaking of in general cause I cry so I can’t really speak too much – so he just is fine with that.

I tell him I am still somewhat healing or coping lol , from my own stuff so 🤷‍♀️ but he doesn’t care

Last night he said… you are just amazing and refreshing to be around, you are not like how other women are…

Well as soon as he said that… I say… well like what?? What are other women like??

He smiled and laughed and said nah I’m not gonna tell you lol … he does not want me to be like other women and have those ideas lol 🤷‍♀️ that’s funny

Anyway… I don’t have fear or panic with him, is very mellow and enjoyable to be around him

He is typically high energy but I think he likes my slow speed lol

And “”California” ya know?

I’m just kidding … but I think he’s very considerate and thoughtful of how I need to be so… I like that… he is very chill with me which I don’t think is generally how is? Lol

I think my peacefulness rubs off when he is with me … he seems less tense when with me?


I like that he is different but also accepting and thoughtful … so I like that.

He can be whoever he wants as long as he allows me to also lol … I wasn’t sure if he would like how I am but he just is full in 😮

I also wanna make sure he heals for himself? But I can definitely teach him to slow the world down … I do always remind him if he needs time I am fine with that – but he doesn’t want time

I just tell him to be careful because I have history of cancer and my mom has and grandmother had Alzheimer’s … so ya know you just take life as it comes at that point but be aware cause could be thing and then that is why you just simply cherish moments … be happy with what blesses your life – know you have a blessing

We discuss things and I tell him/ he tells me and we understand so is nice … he listens and is trying to know what makes me tick … he does well – I like him 🥰 he is very romantic 💘

He not like other guys he is total gentleman always … he makes sure not to fuck it up lol … I like that … I have a rule in place that he is not allowed to buy me anything lol – I just prefer it that way – he listens but complains – whatever is a rule‼️ … not gonna listen on this one … several reasons for this rule!

You should see his smile when he sees me lol … like I said – his whole face lights up … every time! And he is just amazing to me 😮 always 😮

I do think he learns with me though lol … I like that we can be different but still get along and not have any effect … I like that a lot

He will have his ways – which I have no problem with … but just also know who I am lol ✌️😘 I will have my own ways – 2 different lives

Tonight on phone he told me he doesn’t think I am boring at all. He says I make him so happy

It’s not my personality that is boring … just how am is. I am not a “go-out’er” or a partier … I just live very peaceful quiet life balancing the death

But we see – maybe he just not see me as boring? I am funny though – I’m just quiet person

This is how he is with me:


I tell him be easy… because things make me tear up and am sensitive so easy with your heart touching things … and ya know is just sensitive

I am getting used to having someone around my life – I am still determining how that is lol … I like him and enjoy time with him but I do need down time – cause I like to just be home and be chill

It’s hard to always be driving places – but he’s amazing so I do lol … but ya know – am quirky … Am very used to shutting the world off not going out in it lol ✌️ but like I said he’s so amazing so I do.

So we see – I am taking it as it’s coming at me. Also observing and being quirky lol … I say stuff so he’s aware of things – I don’t want him having blinders on – I want to be able to heal and things and I’m gonna have to go VERY easy there

So … is an adventure. I like him alot 😊 he definitely sweeps me off my feet 👣 😮❤️

Definitely treats me like a queen ❤️

Floods of Life lol

It will NOT stop raining – it just pours the boring rain… but we have flooding everywhere!! We are water logged already!! Rivers are rising fast!

That forecast is from last night – I am in the foothills areas with the massive rain 🌧️ 😮

Omg just constant rain patter!

So much water!!

Ok so… ugh so much … I never know where to start?!

So military has been taking me to dinner and meeting people … which is fine…

I am seeing and getting to know who he is as person – I like him… he makes me laugh and he’s very proactive lol … but he is go go go all the time

And sometimes he says things that ?? I don’t know?

Ok first things first… I do enjoy being around him, he is awesome and still very romantic and heartfelt. Sorta

Yes he is romantic and full of life… he is heartfelt cause we will talk and he has emotions.

But I feel that if you love someone – you love them as they are… period.

I mention to him that I have been through alot… and my job is very heavy… I work hard and am proud of self. Is not easy… I pour all my energy into my kids and work.

I tell him I am probably boring and I am quiet and low key… just quiet

And when I said that to him – he said, well I’m hoping to fix that for you

Ok wait. Cause what if I like that? What if I need that. what if I want that?

I’m not too sure about too much life ?? I do not know how much I can handle? Or want to?

I have life – but I also have death … and with everything been through I am tired so … I want to love life peacefully ?

And I accept someone as is… who they are ? I don’t think about what I can fix or change ?

Also… he has not seen my world… I only see his to know who he is… but he has not seen my world.

I am very different.

My people are unique as well ❤️❤️ … all the women are very beautiful ❤️ and we all have really hilarious personalities lol ❤️ … some are bulldogs … some are quiet like me… some are spooky lol … they are all amazing … they all very different ❤️

Make me laugh and smile daily ❤️ … where I have fit … they have heart ❤️ … you have to for the job

Anyway – I am going to need to heal and be at my own pace with my own things.

I am not going to be able to handle pressure from personal life … I love to enjoy life moments in general and then once in awhile – usually in spring and summer – I like to do fun things lol

Not so much in winter, but I am doing things to see who he is- I’ve giving my time – I don’t mind hanging watching tv or talking over dinner and all that… I like that… but I am not a go out all the time person at all!! 😮 not in slightest!

I have brought up my peace and quietness several times … my personality is full of life wonder … but my world is peaceful

Also… I am quiet and listen to his stories and how his life is… I don’t speak of mine much – here and there about my family but very vaguely with bad stuff

Ya know… it’s gonna be too much. So why revisit? I have my life nice and peaceful and somewhat balanced.

I can not do if you think you can fix or change me ? I can not do if I think you will crush my spirit or not let me be me?

Yesterday… one of my people had a phone call from someone … who was upset about a car in the parking lot … because this vehicle had a bumper sticker that said “my body, my choice”

Ok well we all have freedom of speech and hello this is America 🇺🇸?? Are we not land of the free?

Well they were offended by the bumper sticker on the car … ok well is not a violation

But they said if they had seen that they would not have chosen us.

Ok but again they have freedom of speech and we are open to all… no matter beliefs or personal opinions

Anyway… in same terms I do not want to be told how I should be or what I can do.

So I am cautiously watching…

We see how he does with my people 😮

Ugh and that’s another thing … I am doing a lot of things … but I do miss the downtime peace for my soul.

My boss wanna come out tonight and might stay over … plus him… plus my kids.. plus 2 other couples – omg so many people and we flooding – I don’t know whats happening … shit show? 😮😮 lord help me lol

I kinda yearn for the peace and quiet in the living room with Doby and kids ❤️

I am not a go out person 🤷‍♀️

But I can for little while just not all the time.

So I don’t know if he thinks I am someone I am not… I don’t mind melting together but I can’t just not be who am and I am not sure what I can actually handle ??

I can’t be go go go… so that will never happen. I am not gonna kill myself … so no.

I do not like having to be “on” all the time. I like being boring and having peace

I will do stuff but just I need time to melt into someone and I can’t just melt into their world… I have a world too.

So if he is truly heartfelt and does like how he says he does … I am either going to be a love or a lesson 😮

So we see

Omg 2023 gonna kill me 🤦‍♀️

I do not fit into a mold nor will I be ok conforming into something I am not or being told how I need to be … sorry no ✌️

Ok well Happy New Years Eve!!! 😮 I probably be back next year lol 😘✌️ – god willing 🙏

Merry Christmas 🎁

There was this beautiful service dog at store yesterday!! …

Guess what he was??? Yes he was a Doberman ❤️ omg – he was so big and regal looking ❤️ I just love how they look – they are soooo handsome … like a spell cause if you know one – you love them so much!!

So I say to them – omg he is beautiful and so well behaved!! He stands so regal ❤️

Dobermans are so sleek and beautiful ❤️ and he had same face as Doby ❤️ that same look in his eye

The owner says, yes he is trained outside with people to be service animal and is awesome dog … but at home he is asshole!! Bounces off the walls, etc … ahhh must be a Doberman trait lol

I laughed and said “yeah I have one at home that is not a service dog but is a Doberman who is 5 months old… he is also asshole sometimes” lol

He’s only an asshole when he wants your attention and time – but that’s because he wants you attention and time – I have to figure out how to make him not be an asshole with that

And with me… he wants me ALL the time!! Dude can not handle himself with me lol… my daughter told me tonight that whenever someone opens the gate he hears it and thinks is me and gets all excited by the door lol 😄😄 ❤️ my baby ❤️

She said the mailman came and he thought was me 😄❤️ awww my baby ❤️ I love his little face – which is now not as little but still so handsome / he’s really handsome and sleek but also very muscular!! Dude is built lol ❤️

I bought him a sweatshirt to keep him warm for Christmas – it’s black of course and on the back it says “security” lol ❤️❤️❤️ lol … my baby

Every morning we get up … he goes outside then comes back in and goes and sits right next to heater while I make his breakfast lol …

Then he will come eat and go back over by heater lol

So… someone will be wearing that this weekend lol ❤️ my kids think he won’t like it and give me problem – I think he will like once it keeps him warm

Is nothing like the werewolf costume lol

Lol oh I giggle to see that ❤️❤️❤️❤️ he did not like at all lol

But this one be different

He so adorable ❤️

In regards to military… still think he’s really amazing … but I think maybe he struggles with the pain he has? I really think so?

I don’t think he has taken any time to absorb and process. Everyone is different and handles in their own way that THEY need to cope…

But maybe he just need some time to maybe take everything in… and I think he is not getting enough rest

So… you know how people cross your paths for reasons?

I think he doesn’t know how to handle?

Hmm 🤔 just with texts every so often – and sometimes in person?? He says things about the pain – just really quick and fast … and sometimes I do not know what to say?? So I be quiet

Sometimes I just do not know how to respond because is very random 🤷‍♀️

But that’s what makes me think maybe I am distraction from that? And he thinks he can just not dwell on and be happy – numb it and it will go away?

But then also – I don’t mind at all when he speaks of anything… I listen … I don’t judge because I am so used to seeing humanity at most vulnerable and there is no need for judgements (with the exception of Satan) ✌️ sorry but yes

But ya know … I feel comfortable a little because I have my own stuff and also I can feel where he is sometimes?

Which is why I do strongly believe we both need help lol just kidding but we do – if speaking honestly lol

I can totally be supportive of his things – I do not want to be added stress though – I tell him this

Look I like peace … so 🤷‍♀️

He needs to learn peace and balance – he does not know how to do that?? I don’t totally know his life? But I’d say he needs a minute to relax

I just don’t think he needs to be buying me anything at this moment … relax with that … just be a person only

There is no need I can take care of myself – let’s just relax and take life by moments, not pressure ..cause that is boarderline pressure to me ??

I just like to get to know easily – normally … not crazy

I’m not that type and also … if do actually want to give a gift … I would prefer that it had meaning and not just blindly give

Easy with that

So if he keeps doing … I dunno… I already like him just relax – that is not needed – I am ok as is

But I think he tries too much for everyone … and I understand … I am in my job because I lost my entire family and never processed – I can’t cause is tangled in cancer and Satan … so I just don’t look back

Is very easy to me to help another through loss … I can walk someone through death with my eyes closed … and I love to help someone be ok through it… for my job I can focus on others so I don’t have to focus on my own

So I understand him

He is not focusing on his pain – but then neither am I … nor do we want to

However … I am strong spirit and level headed… I do not have social media and outside influences … so my pain I handle on my terms … I know is there – I know what is… I know how I cope

But he doesn’t … he knows is there, wants to kinda ignore but then he feels guilty or has emotion for being without?

I think it’s really important to at least know your strength and know yourself …

He so concerned with outside influences and stresses… you forget life and who are? Also I think he has always worried about what others think of him?

But every single person in my life who is close – ALL of them … I can say with direct confidence only want to see me happy… that is it

Whatever I want … they support ❤️

I do not deal with drama … so if is drama won’t be close to me… you either wanna be there or you don’t

Anyone I love … I also only want them to be happy

And my people watch me go through cancer – so yeah they only want me happy

Relationships are being there for each other so of course I can do that…

He stresses over how people think of him … I find that weird … who cares? Why you care what anyone else thinks of who you are? People always gonna judge … who cares? That is too much stressful burden to have in life

You have to be who you are … live your life – don’t let others dictate what gives you life – it will crush you – be comfortable in own-self and own skin

Show respect, be smart and be kind and you will be fine

I do think is important he know who he is, what he wants and the issues that face him… he tries to put on brave face but is ok to not be brave

Don’t forget to take in life … I am calm but I have a spirit so I think that I melt away his issues cause I just enjoy spending time with him and we have good time and laugh and stuff – he’s very respectful totally

But even with me sometimes … I know he likes me a lot … and he just wants to spend all his time with me and forget the world – cause ya know – I do that lol ✌️

So yeah … if I just lay here…

I am the type you get lost in… so while sometimes people judge or don’t understand … but whatever … I just want to feel life …not the world

And the group of people closest to me, love me as is – when I had cancer … I didn’t die … but I did get to see how much I meant to people without dying so … you never know how truly loved you are because people don’t know how to say that until they losing you

When they first diagnose me for sure, my Dr said … I don’t know what is stressing you out – but you need to relax and let go… I am gonna need you to keep your focus here!!

Well I was planning 3 funerals for my own family and I had satan just being brutal… and then my mom was diagnosed for sure with Alzheimer’s so all at same time

There was no way I could let go – and I am stubborn because I always think I am so strong … so when he tell me that … I say “no! I have too much happening so I can do it all – I be fine”

But he said “I needed to, there was no way I could handle all of it”

So ya know … I think “challenge” let me show you how strong I am… 💪

And then I wasn’t … so ok I gave up… I couldn’t it was too much … so my brother step up ❤️

But I give up completely and I let the chips fall as they may…

I am here … so is ok not to always be strong … sometimes you have to reset… take a minute to heal your own self – release your self?

Breathe life for minute – let go

Breathe in life

What do they say? Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but it’s the moments that take our breath away?

So ya know…

So I just wanna make sure he be ok and not be trying to be Superman

Also one other thing… life will throw crazy things at you… you are going to NEED to be flexible and handle it! Is ok… you can do it… if I can… so can you

Do not let life take you down.

Ok maybe little more?? …

And when you need help… you need to say so

No one is mind reader and not everyone has same heart as you… so you need to say

I think he has a lot of pressure ?

I am just aware of my own self and know who I am… but I do not have the pressure that he seems to have in his life ??

So no wonder he is trying to collapse into me?? And then I already know he likes me ALOT!! Like ready to be on a knee 😮

I want to step very easily on this

Life is just a series of events that occur and people you meet or cross paths with when you need them or they need you

So… 🤷‍♀️

I do not think is a good idea for me to meet his family on THIS day!! I think just out of respect I want to let them have the day for family … I am fine to meet gradually but lot of pressure to do TODAY!

Not that I don’t want to be supportive … but I think need to absorb this holiday as family. Is ok.

I think he wants me there so I am the subject and not the pain? So I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I think he feels pressure with this holiday

Is ok – you are allowed to heal

So like I always tell you I watch

He is still romantic and sweet and amazing as a person… but he is flying so may miss Christmas but I don’t know that is a bad thing … maybe by self and self reflection be good?

Holiday overrated anyway… is should not be so commercialized and pressurized … meh … I like peaceful easy

So I dunno 🤷‍♀️

He doesn’t know how to ?? Handle deep emotions

But ya know I avoid my deep ones too… do you?

Im just more in touch with emotions cause is my life lol ❤️ and I know death so 🤷‍♀️

But yes – there are some emotions I just can’t

It is important to know yourself though – at least see self for self ? Then issues won’t matter or be so heavy to handle if you know yourself and how you do?

I have crazy life at work… you would not think that with funerals but yes!! Omg one shot to get right

My life in work can be insane and stressful … and things we see or know … you can’t take that home with you … you leave it at work.

Sometimes that is hard and sometimes it is impossible cause it’s death… death does not take holidays or vacations … no days off or week in March … it’s death 💀

You kinda be numb to it cause you are always around it and then know it so well… imagine if was surrounded by death every day

And you do have a firm grip on life and death when it’s in your life? However with my mom I will cry like a baby and not hear anything around me for moment – I will not function for quick minute while I readjust … but I know I will do that… it’s my mom and I am allowed 💔

But ya know he doesn’t know how to heal ?? And you have to not only come to that yourself … but also allow self to heal

Like I said … life gonna throw bad things sometimes … you just have to live in way that you are happy and comfortable cause when it goes bad you have to handle it.

And .. I am careful… I know what I can and can not handle – I’m honest

So… I’m not sure if I am right or whatever – but those are things I think? Or feel?

I still really like who he is… and he still sweeps me off my feet but I am also observant

And then he call me and we talk – I say I don’t think is good idea to meet family on a holiday … I do not feel comfortable and this Christmas should be family for them.

He was quiet for a moment and then came to reason, understood and agreed… so that’s much better

I know he is excited about me but he needs to learn little balance – and we still new so no need to go warp speed – life will come as it will

I like that he listens to reason 😊 sometimes I have to say a few times but he hears lol – I think lol

So we see … much better now – nice and slow

Merry Christmas 🎄 ❤️

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