In the end…

Sometimes I cry because of people… I am sensitive in areas.

When I am at work, there have been times when something comes close to my own world, and then those can give you that heartbreak 💔 You are touched by someone else’s loss because you yourself, can feel that.

But then also … that has the bonus that you can relate so you know exactly how they feeling so you know what to say, and how to be. And you can tell when someone umm cares? Or they feel you.

The first phone call I took today made me want to cry. 😮😳 … someone was dying of cancer and wanted to make the arrangements prior to death 😳 … see how you not see signs in life?

But if you gonna get someone who can help you, find someone compassionate or who can relate. You could hear the tremble in their voice 💔 awww

So I related to them, and instantly that seriously put them at easy because then my voice trembled

Sometimes you find peace when or where you don’t think you find that?

Anyway… my point is… if anything is wrong – this is not going to be a good job for “me” mentally. I love my people so dearly … but that might be a really hard mix?? That’s pretty heavy and I can’t be crying right next to people 😮 I can’t have the heartbreak while experiencing my own? 😮 that would not balance 😳😳

So … I dunno… sometimes I think I see signs? – I just don’t trust life and I’m not good with deciphering anything – I need it clear and precise so… that can be an issue lol ✌️… that is why life gives up and then just pushes me 😄✌️

But yeah, kinda double jeopardy 😳 I don’t think I will handle very well from personal and work side – my worlds collide like that 😮

And then of course I am sensitive here with this. Just because … so ya know…

So my boss was at my location and I had already mentioned everything because I will take time off and I am transparent with my shit when comes to work.

I joked with a LOOONG list of strict directions and rules I want. I joked, but yes I want that lol 😘✌️ I will laminate those instructions if needed lol

Also… I do want a little bit of everything – I see a lot of funerals, from all walks of life…. so I like little parts of each one… so I would like to mesh them all together in tiny pieces ❤️ with a playlist of course … as well as … strict instructions for how to handle my body lol … not kidding.

We work at funeral home and this our world – we speak of things

I want just little pieces of all the things I see that impressed me. Little piece of this, little piece of that lol … and I said … I do not want just anyone handling me. I want to say who handles me. My boss is one of the people I would want, as well as one other.

I asked if that would be bad or is that too personal? Because know me? Would that be hard?

And my boss said not only will we fulfill all your wishes, we do it for free for you, no question!

So I don’t know if was joking because even though heavy material – the convo was light not dark, we laughing as I strictly tell them how I want to be handled … but was said with such um? Absolute ?

So ya know… little things like that… probably did mean that… and then ya know – to say that without any hesitation – it just makes me adore them more – have to be careful though because those are boarderline things that will make me cry.

It would already be next to free for me anyway because I am employee… if I die… I already get 75% discount – if you have planned a funeral recently – you know that it is expensive!

Cremation is cheaper … but I do not want that. I do not want to be burned – I do not want that.

When I was a child I would have these horrible nightmares about dying in a fire … so no… nope.

Also … not that I follow catholic… I am hmm?? I am catholic.. I will always be catholic. Is what I know.

I am not practicing catholic… meaning I do not go to church… I do not need to go somewhere to pray, I do not need to be with others to pray – I am more private and church just not for me… I pray and keep some beliefs… but ya know… I just do not want church.

Where you pray does not matter – you do not always have the luxury to have things… and you do not need much to just pray. So.

I have my rosary – it’s green and white 💚🤍💚

It was my great grandmothers … so I just love it. I think I would like that with me?

When I die – I want my last rites … I want a catholic priest… only a catholic priest. I don’t care whatever else anyone else believes in – I just simply want that. … I came in like that, I want to leave like that, I just feel safer with that.

I already know which father I want if he is still alive when I die… lol ✌️…he is pretty old now and I do not plan to die any time soon – unless life says otherwise – but I don’t plan on it yet. But I wish he live forever so I can have him. I really only want that particular one.

He is Irish ☘️… thick brawl 💚 sweetest most beautiful heart – very kind man… funny with a sense of humor lol … very low key and gentle. 😊 you only hear about the bad ones … but you never hear about the amazing ones ❤️ … as with anything.

I want a burial 🪦… they have some really incredible and beautiful caskets ⚰️ … I don’t want anything weird… just something classic and nice … I would like a nice pillow though and padding to be on… because is my final rest… since I not have a lot of rest in life – I would like my body to have that in death

I want a headstone 🪦 … I do not want a grassy marker – NO!… I do NOT want just a marker – I do NOT like those. I want full on headstone … or better yet a crypt or mausoleum – but ya know … I go easy with pushing it lol ✌️😘 … but I still mention lol ✌️😘

But yes I would like a final resting spot … that someone could come and leave flowers 💐… whether they do or not whatever … and then ya know over time you are forgotten. Like when you write your name in the sand at the beach 🏖 and the wave comes and washes it away.

But still … I would like my name – First… I want my first name put as “Trisha”… I do not want the PA!!! Do not put that on there – I will be very mad and come back to haunt!!! Do not tempt!

I want my middle name too… and maiden ONLY!!! ONLY ONLY ONLY!! Do not put anyone else’s name upon mine … I want what I was born with.

I want my whole entire birthday written out, carved in stone … and then of course the date of death … also written out.

Some people put their actual photo on their headstone 😮 so you can actually look upon a face that is no longer with us. It’s kinda eerie? There is a eerie ness? Very interesting though – I love to look at photos and see

I’m not really into photos of self. I have some but ya know… I like taking pictures more… not selfies or whatever else. I like a little privacy with things sometimes ?? But then I also love to look back in time myself… so I am not sure? For myself as the dead person – I do not know if I like my actual photo on it lol… but as a person looking back in time – I love to see the faces and the styles and the people. It’s fascinating!!

So maybe a photo? – If yes… I will choose the photo I want used in my memory. … but again I am not sure if I really like that idea myself.

I definitely want to find something to say. I want to have my final quote also listed.

I do not know what I would like to say yet lol

Which way should I take that? Lol … for my final words lol

I have not decided on that yet / but I definitely want words lol … so not sure what words I will choose to use yet… pretty important since they be my final words ever. So it will probably have to have meaning. Not sarcasm lol ✌️ maybe something with little humor edge? We see

I should just put “We see” lol

But that’s a tough decision.

See … this is also a reason with my worlds colliding … this is what I see everyday… so I think about what I want. All day long this is my world

The good thing with that is – it does not scare me to speak of or plan. It’s a good thing – yes you will be dead but still … you should care what you want? Is last thing you ever wish or plan.

Funny how we think of death huh?

My other question is if I want embalming or not. That is a hard thing to bring up – it gives me weird feeling. I kinda shiver – I don’t like thinking about it. That is NOT my zone!

Do I want to be embalmed or preserved? Hmm ?

Well … when I was really really little … I just thought I shoulda been Egyptian lol … I liked the whole death outlook and traditions … and I just always thought they so fascinating and so beautiful … such a beautiful culture – I always loved documentaries – from the moment I was born … but it was Egypt that always made me wanna be an archeologist … not that I did that – but if you asked me when I was little – that’s what I said I wanted to do. lol

They knew the stars, and earths minerals and healing properties of things … some ancient civilizations around the world were extremely advanced

Egypt always had such a stunning way to preserve its people … and it’s just totally fascinating and technically they got their wish/belief… they came back to life again so we may all see them again. They just weren’t totally sure how they were to come back to life – but they preserve that so we could see now.

They had such thought, care and meaning behind all that preparation for someone’s death 😮 wow.

And… how intricate they were and the things they wished to be with or have placed with them upon death. All so very fascinating … I wish for one moment you could peek back in time… just to see for yourself

So do I want to be preserved? Hmm?

If I don’t do that then I just worry about bugs and stuff lol… 😳😳😳

Yeah I do not like to speak of that. Nope I do not like to talk about that particular death subject.

Just because I know what they do.

It makes me squeamish lol … I feel squeamish when I think of embalming … I do not like to think of.

If I am giving information about it, I am ok… but when is regarding self?? I do not know.

That one is hard for me. But I think yes, I think I would like that?

We have some new thing that I do not like -alkaline hydrolysis

I do not like some of these new things

Plus I just figure I am more of a traditional person so I think I want very low key traditional.

Just a small quite wake…. Softly play my playlist and favorite pictures ❤️

Satan is NOT allowed!! 🚫 do not let him anywhere near me even in death – I would like peace not hell, he already took me to hell before, so please … no satan – keep him away. I do not want him there or anywhere around.

And small immediate family and friends service ? just low key.

So yeah… I’m thinking maybe working for death and running from it would be too much ??

Well anyway I have to go to sleep… tmrw I read … I can either post or read but is hard to do both. Unless something mega goes down – I plan to only read. I need the mental break from death!!

I always love this song …

https://youtu.be/RgKAFK5djSk

And I always believe this song for those I love …

https://youtu.be/2-MBfn8XjIU

❤️

Yeah … probably not good for me to be surrounded by death? We see. But this is already my world, it can’t be my entire world. I think that might be too much. I keep my personal separate… to have them possibly collide together makes me see it entirely different 😳😳

Ok enough … good night 🌙😴😘

It does matter – but there is still an end. Either way.

Huh? 🤔

Perhaps all those times I say “should I leave death?” … but I stay? Hmm… am I supposed to get away?

I felt like it had healed me little and also let me stand up and survive during Covid… and I do love my job, and my team ❤️ (mostly lol… sometimes there is issues – just like a family lol 🙄) …but I love them. Absolutely know how lucky and privileged I am to work with them ❤️🙌 best people ever mostly lol 😘✌️

They my peeps ❤️

But I sit here this morning, and this will not go well… if they do find things – I can’t stay with death omg 😳

Also… just in case – I will have strict instructions for these people!!!

But yeah, I can’t be fighting something and also engulfed deeply in it 😳😳 this is death we talking about lol

Omg 😳 it’s just because I’m thinking of things – a lot of thoughts

Ok have to work, I “would say”.. will take my mind off of my stuff … but nope, it won’t take my mind off 😳😳 it makes it worse, because of business it is and what I see

See that’s gonna be all bad

How life is…

So … yesterday… ok well … I got there and I remembered them from my very first lumps 😮 but the place is like it’s own city 😮 … very beautiful… shady with trees and park like – very calm

🧘‍♂️

And my appt was early, so I did not have the stress of stupid traffic …and I also had no “finding a parking space” issues either 🙌 … was too early for me to be worrying lol so… worked well there

Is just always best to do early!! Get it done.

So they have me park in a space and a nurse comes out and get me from my car ??

So that was different.

But whatever … so I go with her… she was a sweetheart … very caring and polite

She kept saying how strong I am… ya know… I am not really sure how I feel when people say that?? I know they mean well, is meant to be supportive, uplifting and positive – I know that is how they mean…

I just don’t know how I feel about it when people say that… I am not always strong and I only trying to survive. So I know is meant really good – but sometimes makes me think what already went through and I tear up or cry. I do not want more – I want to be left alone and not have to be strong

But yeah – sorta strong – with coping skills ✌️

So ya know … just the way it hits me to hear that? But I do take it in the way they mean ❤️ appreciate.

She was very sweet – very gentle, and kind – slow movements – very good… listened to me too so – I like her… she was just my nurse in that moment – she is in that department – I going to another 😩

The dr came in… he was not what I expected in my mind lol … totally not

So I was expecting either a woman… or most likely older man?? And he comes in and he is young. Yeah very young. But ok we see

He seemed caring and when I tell him – I silent sometimes and I worry for that…

He say “Oh no no! Please don’t do that – we will help you” …so we see …

I specifically wore easy bra to remove – plus I can shimmy out of a bra very magically lol ✨ even while still wearing my shirt lol – it’s a skill

But I also wore a button down shirt on purpose… cause is better than a gown – I know the drill. They have to see.

I am not shy with it. It is what is. And I have had to take my top off for these doctor people soooo much that now is not really a thing I have any issues with … whatever it’s fine.

I don’t really care.

He had the female nurse come back in with us while he examined and felt (ugh)

He hit a few areas I feel pain and pressure and it kinda radiates up my back right shoulder blade and up my neck 😳

But that is the area that I had my drainage? So maybe related to that?

He said he felt “something”

🙄 they always say that… I feel “something” … and of course you can not just tell by feel

I also know this drill…

Oh well I feel something…

And then they do an X-ray or some photo thing… oh think see something … but can’t tell

Then comes the poking with needles or cutting to take sample.

I wish you could just do laser thing, blink your eyes and just fix it lol …

I wish it was as easy as grocery shopping

So anyway… he order that MRI…

They ask me thousands of questions …

Am I taking any fertility medication or trying to be pregnant? Lol … umm nope absolutely not!! Lol … do they see my age? I know women have children later – but I have 3… and nope I am good

When do they stop asking you that??! It just always catches me off guard ? What? Lol no!!! Not that I don’t LOVE being mom – but no!

They also asked me if I had any metal in my body? Ummm ??? Lol

Well I have no idea?? They do so many surgeries and I used to have metal markers inside my chest so they could pin point the area of the cancer

They probably remove those when removed everything else – but who knows

I do have old school fillings 😳😳

I am not and do not wish to be pregnant at this time and as far as I know – I do not contain very much metal lol … someone told me it gonna feel like fillings being pulled 😳😳 what? 😳

I’m my mind… I imagine laying on this medical machine, and the machine slowly go around me? Nice and chill so I can just sleep for the 2 hours the test will take?

They are doing the tests with contrast… so that means for one whole hour they gonna be taking these X-ray type photos of my chest… then I get some type of dye… and do the entire set of photos all over again 🤨

I have to fast… probably not have anything to drink because that would suck lol

I am not allowed to bring anyone with me – so solves that issue … not that I had a issue with it – but solves it all around 🙌 oh sorry I am not allowed to bring anyone – it’s the rules lol

Under the cover of darkness lol ✌️😄 🙌

My appointment on FRIDAY May 27th, is late on but was first available appointment. I have to be there at 6:30pm – they will have me in this machine at 7pm… and won’t be done with me until 9:30/10PM … yes I did say PM!!

I would have preferred earlier but whatever – was soonest appointment

They ask me questions also like “am I claustrophobic?” 😳 odd but nah? I do not think so? Not with rooms or machines – too many people yes.

How tight is this machine? They asked me my height and weight too.

I can’t wear any jewelry… which during surgeries I had one ring that I could never remove. I wear 3 rings always … one is Irish Claddagh ring, another is one with all my kids birthstones and their names, and the other is just a simple one with a ruby – my birthstone

But the children’s ring had been there forever – I never take them off usually. During surgeries they would tape my finger because something about the machines they use?

But I got it off this time – I spent most of day yesterday trying to do that with different techniques lol – I got it off … I have a circulation ring around that finger lol – has ring indention lol

But it is off

I put my Irish ring back on… I will take off before this happens

Also I can not bring purse only my ID and insurance card… not even a cell phone 😳😮

I will leave that in car maybe – if not too crazy hot – we see

So. Tests again. Hospitals again 😩😩 ughhh

So the good parts of this are that I went … and I gonna do the test… piece of mind. And also that I felt ok. They were caring and compassionate – so I can handle that

I did cry in parts, but just softly. I tear up a lot when you start laying a lot of medical things on me.

The bad part is I have to go through all this, and then I have prior experience that was not good so is kinda like when you have abused animal?

Certain movements or reactions will remind or put the animal on guard…. You have to be gentle, and let come to you – move slowly, speak softly and show the animal compassion.

Is sorta same?

Anyway.

Still don’t know anything so is fine… it kinda kills me a little to come back to civilization and have hospitals jump back into my life 😢❤️

Totally love being alive – so appreciate the good doctors and nurses.

It just makes me wanna run back to middle of no where

I won’t … but I so safe there and was so beautiful and such respite … and then I come back and so do hospitals … so that is a sucky thing.

https://youtu.be/EvuL5jyCHOw

I do not like the emotions with this either

I much prefer happy funny or just compassionate?

None of this crying – I hate that so much!!

I want to make it just chill … but I have zero control with certain things they say or do. It’s that lump in your throat that if someone says something or.something is a reminder… it just makes me cry.

It’s just a reaction that I can not control at all. My body just cries.

I really only like laughter and enjoying life. I don’t really like any of this other stuff

Well whatever

So partly good so far… night and day difference from Kaiser 😮😮 wow Omg so different in every way! So I was calm

I still cry. But I calm

I do not know how to do these medical things without the crying happening 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But they did good yesterday – they kept it calm ❤️

So now just wait til test.

And that’s how it went. It’s a little draining:

I self cared and we went shopping after I pick up daughter – I got new sneakers 👟 … they are pink ❤️ they have high arch support – I have high arches 🙌 … they look really adorable and they do not have any laces or bothersome things – slip on slip off comfort lol 🙌… and they are pink 💗 … not black lol

The store had swimsuits too and I really really really want a new one. They are crappy suits this year!! So I will keep looking.

But I love the pink shoes and that take my focus away ❤️✌️

I’m just really tired of life making me go through things … that is not cool … I don’t mind a little here and there because that is life – but cmon

I just simply want peace in life

Death and stuff can stop chasing me please

https://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo

That song because I am tired of life’s shit

I love this song, so sorta this one maybe? We see …

https://youtu.be/bxV-OOIamyk

But not really because I am kinda tired of life’s things – so we see?

Ps… I really hate cry things because you can totally tell I cry!! My face gets all swollen – I am allergic to crying lol … I do not like it.

See way easier to just avoid all this. – I’m just saying … is little heavy… but then is also life so I still want that. Otherwise I would stay avoiding … but I would rather live. I think… for now.

Quickly…

I will be back to say more …

But it went well – really well actually

Yes – I cry, but not too bad – I had very caring and kind nurse and dr was also compassionate so was good.

He a young doctor… did not look like a doctor at all lol – was young and also hot 😳 I just expected older and not hot lol – maybe even a woman but nope – I got young and hot

But was fine – very professional with really good demeanor and care.

I tell him my things … and he check. He feel “something” but we don’t know yet?

I am scheduled for MRI on May 27th – was earliest appt

We are going to start there – he was not a cancer doctor but said maybe CT scan after we see

I will tell you more later

I cry but went well. I am at ease

Tomorrow

Ok so tomorrow morning at 9am I am seeing a doctor. We see

So tmrw I will see a Sutter doctor.

9am PST … tmrw morning 😳 I like to be early – plus does not give me time to freak out before going – so I book appt so I have to go to right after dropping daughter off at school.

I have things written down, so that will help ❤️ thank you all very muchfor the suggestions and support ❤️

I am nervous – I really don’t trust doctors .. but before and all through the cancer – I went through Kaiser – it was awful – they messed up. Which isn’t unusual for them with many things

So at work I could choose what I wanted and I purposely avoided Kaiser for that reason. I went with Blue Cross Blue Shield and I can pick whoever I want

I did sorta cry on phone but held it together… I didn’t have to give too much detail and they not seeing me yet… tmrw 9am they will – they were kind

Just be emotional. It will be ok – I will go.

They just have to be careful – they seemed really nice on the phone. Way more caring than Kaiser ever was!!

So I will just take it as it comes. It’s out of my hands

So … one thing I kinda worry about besides all this … is my silence … so I like my silence because it gave me peace and kinda protects me? I have peace in silence. But I also know how dangerous it is.

Jut the overwhelming heart break emotion with things causes me to want to go silent severely

Like the crying – how is not something I can control … is the same with the silence – which is why I say that’s when I broke.

All that pressure of everything right down to surgeries … that final one just did me in. And then I went severely silent

I am going by myself again. I could call my oldest and see if he come with me – but then I don’t want him to see me cry. And I don’t want to look sick and weak to them again and I don’t want them to worry… so… probably not good idea at this moment – I wait

Ok – what is a good way to NOT go silent? How do I not let that happen?

I have to reprogram NOT to do that. That is my coping mechanism. Has been for awhile.

You can’t do anything about it – it has to be me.

I would only answer people if I knew they would send the police to check on me. Or I also answered for my police because I didn’t want them just coming either lol

When I dropped off the face of the earth – I left social media and being social – I just shut down and went away. As soon as they let me out of the hospital – I couldn’t get away fast enough

And then my ex was not letting up … so that plunged me even deeper in silence

But I had peace and respite from the world that was nice – it is very peaceful when you don’t have the world around.

If it comes close to any of the previous trauma – I worry with silence

Is very hard for me not to because the urge to protect comes in, so I don’t know?

I sorta feel already – I am silent at moment from people – except for the friend who is helping me. He is only a friend but one I trust and went through similar things like me – just a different cancer

I don’t think I go severely quiet from here… but maybe for a minute ?? I might need to just get a grip ? I don’t know

This is place I can come to speak, so that helps.

I just have to stay aware of it and NOT let it happen, it sounds very easy – but it is not.

I stay quiet today because I am absorbing what I am doing

Plus I cried most of morning and exhausted myself anyway – I just don’t wanna do it again – I don’t want to remember anything – so that’s gonna be hard – it will all flood back the minute I step into office

Ok so is not the same moments… totally different moments …

For now – I gonna sleep – I am tired from crying earlier … and it’s ok I cry btw… am sensitive here so it’s just gonna happen.

I just say what thinking about or say what makes me cry … and yes it does. But again I am sensitive with this. But it’s fine – to cry is release, so is ok I cry here.

This area just takes me down little – but just let it. The only thing I need to really watch myself with is that silence… the crying is just circumstance and moment… I am sensitive with it… but the silence is dangerous – the crying is not.

Anyway just saying – it is ok to be sad or cry sometimes – is human

I don’t care much that I cry here – cause it’s just a thing with this… can not control it – plus you can’t see me so it doesn’t bother me like this

The silence is the one I have to watch and care about – not the crying

Ok I need to sleep before this happens.

I be back tmrw after the appt – I might need a moment – but I promise I come back tmrw.. even just for quick words … if I can’t speak.

https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

I spoke 😮

Ok… so life pushes … I told someone. 😳 first time I speak with something … first time I come out to say something…

I’m not really sure if that was a good thing to do and now I am scared – little bit – also know I have to.

I also do not know that I can handle what I am about to step into. I think that is what I am most afraid of? I know I have to. But can I ?? Is like not even a question if I can, I just have to.

But I worry will blow into this big thing… on many things … he said best to know what up against and I do believe that.

So he try to talk me down from the fear? He speak gentle to me, he tell me these stories to stick in my mind for when I need strength?

He always says words that are positive – and I know not to put negative into universe – I know.

He is only a close friend I trust. And someone I know is completely understanding and also knows the same perspective or fear – in one certain area

I am having some breast issues … so it started little – just my scars hurting … I’m not supposed to have any nerves there but I get jolts of electric pain on the scars alot- more and more frequently …

I have this pain in the area I had the biggest lump. So that makes me nervous – it adds chest pressure when I breathe – I am always holding my breast so it not hurt…

And while I sick- it hurts a lot

He tell me things happen for reason – we slow (they are slow – not me ever!) and your body does tell you things and you supposed to listen.

But I am very overwhelmed to do Friday – I will do… I will try and see if I be ok… can’t hurt to try and is important. Whew… that makes me wanna take a deep breath, but then there is that pain and pressure I feel if I do that.

Because my friend knows this medical side of life, he can relate and he knows how it can overwhelm

Or so he says … I know he has had way worse than me all his life… and here I sit just overwhelmed, paralyzed and can’t speak … and he speak so confidentially and fearlessly … fearlessly in facing things

I asked him if he ever cries? Or be overwhelmed by things? He say “ oh yes” … but yet he can speak clearly with it… not cry just speaks clearly

I can not.

Even telling him was hard… he knows I was having problems with the scars … but I cry … I cry to speak ..: and then I need moments … and there is a lot. … and then once it starts everything gonna happen – it’s gonna snowball

So I will try on Friday … I promised so I will … but I try to imagine to go and what I say? Too much emotion and I will not be able to speak clearly. Plus I’m gonna be crying which I don’t like anyway. So I don’t know how this gonna go. And then that’s gonna just open all the cans of worms 🪱

Yeah all that makes me want deep breath for relief, but then I feel that pain which makes me feel panic

If I take my breasts and I feel around… I do not feel lumps … but there is this breast implant there so I dunno 🤷‍♀️ and while I feel the pressure and also the scars – I do not feel anything like a lump – only by inside pain not by me feeling anything

So… I do not know if I can speak well – but we will see. I will try… I am sorry to the people who will have to understand cry talk lol ✌️ I will try very hard but ya know – I do not think that be ok… I think I can.. but then I know how it hits me. So let’s just be realistic with how I gonna be?

I already know people try to convince me it be fine – and I know the earlier you catch the better – I know…

But there a lot I have to say. I don’t know that I can say without crying? I try … I will start to speak it out loud by myself and then I just get overwhelmed and cry and then I go really fast while crying. I go fast to get out as much as I can before you can’t understand me anymore… and then I am overwhelmed and trying to take deep breath and then have the pain- and usually give myself a headache

I went in hot tub earlier to see if would help take pain away… it does… sorta – it takes off the pain edge after you soak in hot water for awhile … but that only lasts so long and then it’s back

I feel it in general? Or something not right? I feel it the most at night when I lay down or just when taking deep breath.

Is the right side… the left side seem ok

Ok. Well.

I can try – we see. It’s just gonna be a lot

https://youtu.be/Y2NkuFIlLEo

It just hits me the wrong way and I am scared.

I don’t want bad news. So… Friday – I will do it… but gonna be emotional and I gonna talk fast and cry … I do not know how to do without doing that. I can not control – it just comes on due to the emotion behind it… and I know will be a lot of things

So I dunno – we see. I spoke so someone knows

He sorta knows everything… I can speak to him sorta (medically I cry) … but he gives me time to cry and then take a minute and speak – if you let me do that then I can do slowly – but will be a process.

He knows about my silence too. He knows things but not in in-depth detail. Just generally he know my story. My things … little by little he knows more

So… I do have a comfort from him just because he can understand me here with this.

I had to say something because it was getting worse and worse and then that makes me scared

I’ve been not feeling well either so just makes me worry more cause I feel the pain more

I want to say whatever it be fine, but I do not feel confident to say that

I am somewhat quiet … I will update as able

Speaking- ish

Ok… well … I have been sick 🤒… not Covid – just stupid normal sick- because our weather is going HOT/cold/HOT/cold rain … my body does not like that, you can not fluctuate temps and weather like that … my body freaks out!

My breasts ache every time it’s gonna rain 🤨 so that’s kinda annoying

Well anyway, I am feeling better today… I am awoke from the dead. Lol (totally kidding but felt that way for minute!)

Meh.

So… I have stuff to say. But I don’t know if I can say what I want to say?? I really have to though, because it is important. I know how important it is. but I can not bring myself to face it – so then it looms over… and I try to avoid and mostly do well with that… but I should not avoid… it is serious not to avoid. Yet I do if able

I want to say so badly … but then I think of how to say and then that brings up everything and I just can’t … too overwhelming all at once so maybe little by little?

And then not just the saying part… cause eventually I believe I will say?? I hope I will.

But then once I say, I am afraid of what to follow

I absolutely see my issue but my mind just tells me that it’s ok and I am safe way “I” handle – but I am not … it just makes it easy for me to handle… but is not the way I should be handling.

The first time I was alerted to my breast cancer… I am thin/proportionate… everything had been fine. No history of breast cancer in my family.

Cancer yes. My dad had non-Hodgkins lymphoma … he battled 20 years before going into remission for like 10… he died at 67 from a myocardial infarction (heart attack) – what we used to save him – killed him 😭 the chemo and radiation weakened his organs and his heart could not take it… I lost him at 67!! We were on borrowed time anyway – but still

Anyway whatever just listen – there were other past family members who died of cancer. One was leukemia, she shared my name, but is not who I was named after… and I am not sure what types of cancer for the others .

Ok well…one night in 2013, I went to bed in a white tank top and little shorts … like any other night – nothing unusual. I was in an abusive marriage – which is whole other thing on top … but I slept in a room by myself… and usually locked door

The next morning I woke up in a pool of blood like I was stabbed or something – there was that much all over my white tank and bed 😮 … I had no pain anywhere – but I ran to mirror wiped down to see what the hell? How in the world did I wake in pool of blood??!!

… my right breast was leaking blood 🩸 as if it were milk 😳😳😮😮😮 I did not even know that could happen 😳😳😳

Ok so – imagine the terror – ok so then I don’t want to deal. I don’t want to face it. I was scared – I knew be bad

So I wouldn’t go see doctor because I was afraid

But I had this cool friend who said to me “ oh here is a plan for you … go to a clinic and just tell them you have an infection – they will give you antibiotics and send you on your way. “

Ok that sounded “do-able” … ok I could handle that

Until I got in there and then they say “by law they can not let me go without scheduling a mammogram, due to events that occurred”

Oh great. Ok then… I cry little

Well anyway… then it began… doctors and hospitals and things that went so fast, my head always spun… whether I understood or not.

I had my first double lumpectomy at that time – ok – that was done

But it was not. 3 more lumps came back, again lumpectomy… but then this time they left a message for me to call them because they needed to discuss my “pathology report”

Ok well they had never said that before – I knew was bad… ugh 😩 right away I knew was bad. Just that stomach drop

And then you don’t wanna deal but you have to… and then remember during all this I was still dealing with all my family just dying all at once! And also… I couldn’t have my mother 😭… they said to tell her would cause her to go into a “terror loop” of worry so no … I want my mother to have peace within her final moments – I always want her happy ❤️ so I went through by myself…

I have an aunt who was always my “cool aunt” she had been a nurse and has a beautiful heart – she is no longer married to my uncle. But she stepped in through phone calls and texts and was like a surrogate mother to me since I couldn’t have my own 😭 it was comforting

I would go in, and just cry and cry the minute I walked into dr office.

During appts he would say “you ok?”

Yup… I’m fine … I can’t control the crying so just keep speaking – I can hear you.

And he would speak his doctor words – none of which I understood… so I would go to the car and sob while I called my aunt and tell her everything he say … and she would explain to me and prepare me for things -she calmed me ❤️

During medical tests sometimes I would be so bad they would have to give me Valium to calm down – it was hard – just every time I had to face that, I think of my dad and then my kids – and you face your mortality … and when you alone to face that whew – how you not cry?

And you put your life in the hands 🙌 of others 😳😮😮 and hope to god they know what they doing. You assume they do – but not all do. So that is also terrifying to think… I had to just trust, I had no choice.

I also felt like my life was constantly about breasts omg!! Always and every appt I had to be topless.. or was breasts breasts breasts – omg my life had never been so about breasts before!! And then suddenly it was – oh I hated so much!!

So anyway, all of it was so overwhelmingly traumatic… right down to the final surgery and then when I woke from surgery – I broke?

That’s when I went silent and fell off face of earth everywhere ..: found place to live (on ranch in middle of no where) which was incredible peace and respite from everything ❤️ …haven’t opened Facebook since 2019… refuse. Don’t have twitter – have instagram because my cousin is there ❤️ … but I have never liked or posted anything – I just follow her and I don’t ever log on anyway because my email just shows me what she posts ❤️

I really want nothing to do with most social media…

My people were wonderful and loving and supportive, I was very moved and humbled by the support and care people gave me. Sucks that takes someone being 😷

I went from 2019 to 1985… just the cell phone really. The peace from being in middle of no where and the beauty there was incredible… very soul healing ❤️‍🩹

I just wanted to be left alone to heal, but since I do that so severely – it was sudden and uncharacteristic… I had just suffered a lot of losses and my ex was being horrific… so I needed to be away from life for a minute on my own terms – just leave me alone for a minute!!

But they all see it as worry I was gonna hurt self, I was not – I just wanted to breathe!!

I just needed the peace for my soul after so much stuff – I needed to walk away from life for awhile

Ok so anyway … eventually I build to what I know important to say. To think someday I say it – makes me 😢 cry – I don’t want it but I need to

I also like to avoid this completely … so maybe I can build in writing ✍️… to be able to say in actual words? I don’t know.

But maybe writing will help? I don’t know either

But we see.

It was all very overwhelming and severely emotional… I also had to remain a mother – also by myself – she never was late and I always got her to school or figured out with help from another mom.

I always cooked dinner and had adventures with her when able – we did crafts and biking and laughing, always made sure she taken care of.

After all the cancer things handled and they doing reconstruction … I took her to dr appts with me, and she saw me in recovery many times

So she not ever be scared like me. It be ok to ask questions and see this process – even though I on other side of the cancer by then… I never cried with the reconstruction so was ok for her to come with me.

I also do NOT like to cry in front of ANYONE… I hate to cry very much! I never want you to see me cry – which is one reason easier in writing.

There are certain ways that are best to handle for what you can handle.

I self medicate with work. But then that can be traumatic too. Because it gets insane and the pressure can be intense and then when you work to grind you kinda burn out?

I self care but not as often as should. I focus so hard on work so none of that puts me at mercy ever again.

I do not trust anything. Believe that everything is broken… from government to healthcare – because it is.

So I work to not deal with them – work is my crutch 🤫 takes my mind and focus away. I see other things not my own.

Going through all that and other things at same time – it was alot

So anyway… I’m not sure I even want to say this?? Because of the emotion. But is best so I can go forward? I am still unsure.

Maybe it help another with same or similar?

There is a lot more – but that made me face mortality and also know the fear of death. It really smacks you.

Then you see news of war or bad things – and if they overturn this Roe vs Wade I will absolutely lose even more respect for government so what you gonna do?

I am furious they take ANY right of mine away – fuck you! Where is the ridiculous law for a man to control his body?! A woman is not alone

And then also – fuck you because I want the right to die if I need that… leave my rights alone – government needs to stay the F out of my business

It’s fucking bullshit

Government got their own shit going on … handle that… my body is NOT your job!!

You way over reach now.

I will take my own right to die whether they deem it legal or not. I am not going through that again! Fuck you

What they gonna do?

I do not want the government controlling what a woman or person can or can not do… do not open that can of worms – leave it alone and handle the bullshit on your plate currently

How dare you even think of touching a woman’s rights or any persons right to anything!!

You mind your government business and stay out of my personal business!!!

Just wanna create wars all over the place huh? So we see … I will never trust the government or have faith in ever ever ever again with anything!! So how you gonna take that down ?? What is the decision? Not that I will listen or approve – cause I will fight against that one for sure!!

Hell no!! My body – my business … handle your own shit …my body is not your worry

You do not know what someone goes through or their circumstances – big fuck you to the government if you take my rights of my own body away!!!

What gives them the right? I have every right to control issues with my own body… if I want that and it’s my body… you are NOT gonna stop me!! I would do what have to do and would not care what they think they have the right to control – leave me alone!

Be careful what battles you choose!!

Yes it’s about abortion, not the right to die… but it falls on same area – thinking you gonna control what any person do with own body … ha! Yeah ok

Be careful because that touches many things.

You give them an inch and they take a mile and ruin the country so no!!! Quit the stupid shit leave people alone – handle your business before you go thinking you can control mine! Ha!!! Have you seen the country??? – no fuckin way – get your laws off my body!!!

So yeah – there is stuff I have to say lol

I can not watch tv because everyone is fighting – there is a war… I am tired – it’s always bad

I thought Covid would make people ?? I don’t know? Appreciate things more? See life? – but nope is almost right back to how was. a deadly virus didn’t even change the world really – interesting

And my want of my own right to die … I want to not suffer and I don’t want my family to suffer or watch me decline. I want to be remembered as I am on my terms. When I say that there is ALOT of emotion behind those words …

So I want the end of my life in peace should I ever have another diagnosis.

I understand time, and I understand how precious life is. I understand the gift it is…

But I just can’t do that to myself or my family… to suffer watching mortality take you away – nope I can’t …

So much so… that if you tell me no… I find a way – that be my purpose – you either with me peacefully and safely or you not.

Before I did anything I would have to have time to process or absorb… so would take me some time to take it in. I do take seriously

If there is pain? And I am always sick or no longer able to really love life… then yes – I want my choice. I want your remembrance of me to be peaceful and not sad … could say peace and make it beautiful

I have thought and thought about this. So. I know what I want should that arise. I do not want the government making my end of life choices – “As if”

I have to start saying something … I need to get past something – I don’t want to – I want to still avoid…

Because I just ignore and pretend it go away but it does not so … kinda strikes little fear so I’m gonna try to say stuff little by little. I have to get past it, because I think I need something? I don’t even wanna say that.

Ok well whatever – working on it sorta hopefully 🙏

I’m scared to speak and scared not to speak 😮😮😮 I am very scared to not speak.. but then I can’t… I will try to work up to it.

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother’s Day to every woman who has mothered or cared for another ❤️

This is my favorite Mother’s Day video – it just makes me laugh sooo much lol ❤️ …

https://youtu.be/cRiGtHTJb0A

Oh yes… it still makes me laugh ❤️😄😄

Make sure you call or be with your mom ❤️ I wish I could be with mine!! I will talk to her later though ❤️

Today boys coming over to be with us – oldest is staying night, but 20 year old has to work, so he just stop by later to celebrate with us. ❤️ totally love Mother’s Day!!

❤️

Life happens

Ok so.. you can not “ask me” if I want presents early lol … what you think I gonna say ?? of course I gonna say yes lol … if I know you have something – yes of course I am curious lol

You can not give me early choice – don’t let me know you have it. You can’t tell me you have and and then ask if I want lol

So I got presents 🎁 ❤️ lol

https://youtu.be/v1VbOQPxpSU

They give me a dozen red roses 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

A cup for soup, tea or hot chocolate that says “mom in a million” lol ☕️ ❤️❤️❤️

And a wall hanging thing that says “Mom’s house will always be home” ❤️❤️❤️

Sunday happens to be Mother’s Day and my oldest sons birthday 🥳 … I am saving my presents lol 🎁

He was actually born on Mother’s Day … I did become a mother for the very first time on Mother’s Day lol ❤️❤️ sorry but no one can beat that present!!!

https://youtu.be/BfmawjVHdKo

My oldest is spending night on Sunday … the 20 year old can’t – because he working this weekend – but coming over for little bit on Sunday night. ❤️❤️

We gonna have cheesecake for the big cake (instead of regular cake) – is my oldest’s favorite ❤️ I love cheesecake too ❤️

He turns 28 😮😮😮😮😩 lol … 28 years ago tomorrow (Sunday/Mother’s Day) I was a mom for the very first time ❤️

When I tell people I have 28 year old no one believes me!! Lol … this week I was telling someone how old he was turning and they say “wait how old are you?” Lol … and when I tell them MY age … they do not want to believe me… my looks are deceiving lol

I only look young because I still have same body always (well except for the breasts 🤨) … and my face is young looking. No one ever ever believes me. Plus the era is different

I think of my grandmother at my age and she looked like a grandmother – when she was my age – I was 10! She looked like a grandmother and was snuggly and grandmotherly. I do not look like that.

My mother and father both had young faces for a long time. My mother also always looked young. Also same body always – without the breast problems lol (I think that’s from my fathers side)

But I am still youthfully curvy, and dress young, with young face… is very deceiving!! I am always arguing that I am old lol… I have a umm I dunno ? My demeanor is quiet, my look is young with a reserve?

Anyway…

So… I had asked that vet guy to come drill me a hole for hot tub drainage… so he came over with his side guy worker (the guy he work with) and they drill me a hole. 🙌

But then we notice something weird with electrical… and I start telling him about how sometimes when turning something on somewhere else, or when a timer on a light turns off – it will turn off something else too … will shut off the living room fan, light or whatever

You know – the stuff I thought was ghost activity 😄😄 😳

https://youtu.be/Fe93CLbHjxQ

So he looking at electrical and I have 2 boxes… 2 separate boxes 😮 one is for the main house, and the other is for hot tub and whatever else (I don’t know yet)

The hot tub box is very old and hot wired? Meaning – someone wired this house for extra electrical 😮 probably NOT permitted?

A section of the box the grounding is melted 😮 he tell me “I can do it but it’s not my general thing, but I have a friend I can call” so he take a picture of the box and will let me know. He said to be careful with my power – no crazy amounts of power – which I don’t do anyway… but he said could cause a fire so make sure my insurance is good which it is. Just in case, cause I have to see if someone can help me with it.

I told you!!! My garage looks like a former grow house!! The ceiling of the garage is completely TARPED in black tarp… I am afraid to remove it just yet, because I do not know what to expect underneath so let’s wait …

There is no garage door opener because of the tarp and this weirdo light lol … ok so… I probably have a grow house 😄😄 omg of course – of course it is – but whatever – I’ll fix it.

https://youtu.be/S5HEo2zAWkc

Well whatever – I have to fix that now and bring up to code… I hope is not crazy insane! 🙏 I knew house would have issues. I am ok with that. I plan to fix everything little by little.

I guess this was an entertainment house lol.

It is legal here – “California” … we literally have stores. I have not heard about a grow house in forever 😮 … it is little interesting to see a house like that and how it wired 😮 wow!

So anyway… also couple quick things … this vet guy… omg

He looks me right in my eyes, lol… I am careful, because my eyes can look seductive! I should always wear sunglasses lol … But he just catches my eyes, and then he looks into them when he speaks to me. 😮 I don’t think about when I know someone, because I know them… but it stuns me little when I don’t know someone… he just totally holds the gaze 😮

In business, I also do not think about? Is only when by myself and in my personal world. So there is that. Totally fine, just saying …because generally I am so careful, especially on own time – I’m just really umm careful “personally” lol

When he looks in my eyes like that, umm … I usually do not let someone look SO deeply 😳

https://youtu.be/kU8OJAOMbPg

He looks very deeply 😮

And then, I was showing him the second electrical box… and it was in an area you can not fit 2 people lol … so I opened it and went to shimmy by him so he could see, and he put his hand on my lower back … so I wouldn’t fall I think? 😮

But ya know, I am protective and keep distances – no one has touched me like that in long time, so be careful in areas 😮

I think this…

https://youtu.be/qFLhGq0060w

But then also, I think “no”…

https://youtu.be/cMTAUr3Nm6I

Lol … I’m just careful. It’s a double sided coin!

I’m just saying … looking in my eyes and touch me like that – careful 😳

https://youtu.be/TUVcZfQe-Kw

But also no. Peace is a prerequisite. Let me see your humanity

Anyway… I just say, because if it wasn’t for the fact I pay him to come do work for me… omg 😮

He’s funny. Down to earth. Sometimes I am quiet, but he makes me laugh. I do not know what to say much because I pay him … is not personal level… I laugh – and I do have convos… but I am quiet 🤫

There is something about him that reminds me of Massachusetts?? It’s really odd? I don’t know what it is? But there is a familiarity?

He always takes my hand WAY old school … he’s always very gentle and takes my hand almost as if he gonna kiss it? It is very different

I like it. He has my attention with that.

https://youtu.be/wt1YkGO2Ieo

I am going to ignore that for this moment. He works for me… so I am going to be extremely careful! 😳

Also… he is charming… I am careful so he can not read me lol … so I am little quiet – gonna observe. Just be quiet and observe and people show who they are.

https://youtu.be/bESGLojNYSo

He seems very cool. I am just on guard 💂‍♀️

His words and actions draw my attention, and he’s charming so… ya know … no playboys or things that are not peace ✌️ – you must be peace lol

And careful…

https://youtu.be/HMqgVXSvwGo

So… interesting life things 😮 always 🙄

Anyway … Happy Mother’s Day to all the incredible moms everywhere ❤️ I miss mine – I wish I could have her tmrw. ☹️🌹 I love you mom ❤️ always ❤️ want you back!!

https://youtu.be/K0siYUjV9UM

I went to get this video and the very first comment says “ Remember when a guy could eat a bat 🦇, without sparking a worldwide pandemic “ lol

Ok so that’s a little funny 😄 ahhh fun times lol

Ok whatever – gnite 😘✌️

Sooo tired

Today was NOT my day! I had a Murphy’s Law day!! 😮😮

Someone vandalized the funeral home. 😮 Is nothing sacred? That is poor humanity! We give peace and help people through loss of loved ones … including someone like that.

We were hit as well as another local business. I walked into that by myself this morning. I was not ready for that today!!

I say to my staff – do not speak to me today unless you have a contract, a check or an emergency.

And then they were all awesome – I always help them and today they turn around and say to me – what can we do to help you and they all jumped in ❤️ … teamwork – makes the dream work lol

Now if only the world could learn that shit???

https://youtu.be/biUnzjsuehA

So my whole day was police and things – I could not wait to get away from work!!!

So I leave for day at end of day and come home and there are police all over my street 😮 and in front of my house…

Seriously life? Really? All day?? And at home? What?

I do not know what that was about… I told an officer if you need footage – I got angels and security footage lol – but they say nothing like that.

So I did not want to know – I went right inside and locked myself in because no!!

I went and checked hot tub – but I was not in mood to get in suit and get in hot tub and if I see the creepy person today – just no!! So no – I did not want to risk that chance

Also… a topic today was this stupid abortion thing… men get women preganant in first place – is NOT only the woman

So where is that law that says every man MUST have vasectomy and that can be reversed if needed… how would men like that since you can’t keep in pants anyway? You want the government making that decision for you?

Where is the law for a man?? Yeah sexist!! Also you take that away and you gonna see more upset upheaval and protests… if you take that away… people gonna do it anyway – do you want it to be safe and humane???!!

The government should not have control over anyone’s body

Hello… this is United States ?? Why do some have freedoms and then others think ok to control people? I do not think so.

I will tell you right now… I get a bad diagnosis with either a return of cancer OR Alzheimer’s … yeah whether you assist me or not- I do not care … I am not going through those things!

I want it on my terms and I do not want my family to watch me deteriorate – no!!

So either you help me or not… but I will handle it. My life. I’m not doing that again!

So… do not tell me what I can or can’t do with own body…

However one of my coworkers say to me “well you already let them” 😮🤨 …what???

And he say to me “well you got vaccinated right?”

Dammit – I did let them – I fell hook line and sinker. No more – done with the vaccines and what will be will be. I caught it anyway last time… so eh whatever – do people care still?

Currently they are saying another strain and huge Covid wave is coming?? ok well I’m tired of being scared so whatever

I am tired of shit. I have also had a day from hell, and I am tired

Anyway – can we stop with these ridiculous things ?? Countries have a war and people wanna start fights. 🤨 leave it alone. Mind your business, not your body – not your call

Ok I am just too tired- I see comments another time because I have to be up in 4 hrs ugh 😩 to do again – I’m so tired 🥱

Gnite

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