What I meant to say…

I meant to come back and blog about Friday ❤️ cause Friday was a good day ❤️ rainy and stormy but actually a good day.

Today my heart is kinda breaking little bit … but it does this every time. Every time my mom slips more I just know my time is limited so I have kinda panic that I don’t have enough time with her and don’t want to lose her …

But at same time … I know she misses my dad and I know she misses all of us – she is slipping

Today we discuss funeral home. 😭💔💔💔 for my mom 😭😭😭 shhh breathe

Ok.

So.

Ok … let me process… let go of mom 😭😭💔💔 how I do that??? I just want her!!! I’m not ready!! She’s gonna rip my heart out

Ok.

So.

We are using one of my funeral homes ❤️❤️❤️ so I am comforted by that ❤️

I am little emotional now. I be fine and then I not be. 😳 I am scared to lose my mom… I am scared not to have her anymore, I am scared of how much that is going to hurt!

I know it’s coming – I am bracing but that’s gonna be my hardest one yet. 💔

And I try to flip it to the professional side but I can’t because it’s too personal 💔

I try everything – I try to convince myself “oh that’s life is just how goes, nothing you can do” you have to roll with what life puts in front of you.

I know that. I know life 😭

And life did give me some mercy with my mother and allowed me to slowly lose her … that was mercy because I had no time when I lost the others

And my mom… she is … my mom ❤️ she is my just everything

But ok – nothing lasts forever

I have no choice but to accept losing her. What are my tears going to do? I already learned that tears of love bring no one back 😭💔

But my problem is … that is my mom and my love for her is like my entire heart so when she dies no matter how much I brace… my heart is still going to shatter – I know me – and she’s my mom.

This one will be a blow 😭💔 even though I know it’s coming … she’s just going to leave a huge hole in my heart so I know that is coming

Yes I am being a baby because that is my mom and I do not want her to die! But then that is irrational because I am upset!

Ok.

Breathe.

It will just be a big loss and then I move on. I have to try not to just crumble losing her.

So yeah I am working on balancing through that 💔 and then also work itself too.

Anyway … I will be fine but there will be probably emotional posts because I am losing her 💔😭

But then I get mad because I am just being a baby and time to grow up but I just want my mom back

See I can’t help it it just goes in circles rational to irrational 😝

Every time I think to lose her I panic. 💔 whew

Ok. Let her go. I can let her go… it is her time so ok.

I love my mom with all my heart ❤️ she has always been my heart ❤️

youtube.com/watch

That is my mom to me ❤️💔

That is me and my mom the last time I saw her ❤️ that was before my surgery and before covid hit … I just like it better without faces ❤️ I look just like her when she was young

I keep hearing that mom song and this song…

youtube.com/watch

💔💔💔

So ok let go ☹️💔

What do I hold on to anyway? Why is this still very hard – it’s because it makes my heart bleed. 💔

So alright – lose my mom. Breathe.

This one and one more. It just really knocks the wind out of you every time.

So… when you love… it is inevitable you will have pain then. I just have hard time because she will break my heart.

So yeah just sensitive and irrational – it’s just going to keep going around in circles – cause again 2 sides … one side is heart and the other side is head

The heart wants to fall apart and just cry and cry… and the head just thinks it can be all strong (which I can and have no choice but to be strong)

But I am really sad to be losing my mom 💔 … have not lost her yet… but she is slipping 💔 is going to go. So I know what is coming at me – it’s just I don’t want it to 💔

But ok… suck it up – be a woman … and handle ☹️💔 it’s just painful 💔

I be around as able – let me breathe for moments through this because when it happens – I might go silent for a moment because as you see here it will be emotional and I will be crying so just FYI

Always remember you never know what someone goes through ✌️

So alright … more stuff. I can do this – it will be fine.

This is life – it is ok. Life will still move ahead.

Alright. Well I will be irrational at times because my mom is dying 💔😭 and then I might be silent because my heart be broken… but I be ok. I am strong… I just will need moments for breathe

No … evidently I do not handle my own deaths ok. 😮 I do not understand that?? I guess because of the heart? But still death shakes me still when it is my own. 💔 I think I am strong and I am kind of…

But I am also very soft too. Very heart ridden. So there is that.

I am strong – I just don’t want to be.

And … life does go on, and I still have blessings …

Friday we had whole discussion about what is happening with stock market lol – ok whatever …. are you surprised by anything anymore?

And then we played a game about naming 5 things of any category I chose ❤️ was fun.

I have not mentioned nana is slipping yet. So I have to do that. Great

I want to fast forward so I do not feel that pain – bleh … and then I think of the movie “Click” and I don’t want to fast forward but I also do!!!

But ok – behind great pain, comes a great peace so ok. It will be fine.

And I can always imagine her with my dad again… together ❤️ I can imagine them both young again ❤️ no pain for them

Just for me because I am left behind. ☹️

Anyway – none of my discussion on this is going to go well now because my heart bleeds and is breaking so it’s just going to keep saying the same things 💔

I at least know who I am ✌️

Working with death I do fine – and I connect – I be strong and soft at same time but very gentle. I know their heart breaks – I know the bleed they feel. And for others I can comfort very easily … but how I comfort myself?

Alright well whatever … I am having hard time comforting self but that’s ok – I have it – I will

It’s ok to crumble for a moment when your heart breaks – it’s a moment of impact so ya know – I’m sure you have had those.

💔 ☹️ it’s fine – I be fine … she’s just gonna break my heart though 💔