Ok … so one of the reasons I do the blog, the way I do it, is because I know mental health is issue with people – including myself.

But what I wish to portray is “Life” … we are not taught life… there is no manual. You have to do the best you believe, but life will throw things at you.

What I want you to keep in mind, is that … sometimes life gives incredible highs… you are so happy that your heart could burst, and you feel like you are on top of the world.

https://youtu.be/w5tWYmIOWGk

Then you have moments that are just peaceful, and some that are not.

In life you will see things that will stick in your mind and effect who you are or how you think.

I also want to show you that sadness and devastation is part of life too for all of us.

I feel it is more healthy when you see all sides of life. I like to avoid bad things if I can. 2017 was my absolute year of devastation… but 2022 probably gonna punch me. Whew ok.

But I want you to see “A” life with ups and downs – not perfect. Plus you only know my words mostly.

Life is truly a rollercoaster.

These are things you need to stay strong through.

I sometimes wonder if I will die from that broken heart syndrome thing… I think my heart will take me out. Someday.

The heart is something that I am sensitive with. 💔 inside my heart actually bleeds – I’m pretty sure, cause it feels that way.

So I have to prepare myself for my mother to pass 😩😭😭

Ok so I know this is coming. Whew.

I don’t have her now. 💔 I lost both my parents when my dad died 😭💔

But… ok so I struggle because my heart jumps in and scrambles my brain… but then the brain keeps trying to bring my heart into reality. Sometimes the heart power is very strong!

Those 2 sides clash!!!

It’s just … my mom 😭 …so see, even in my writing you are going to see heart – and then also my brain trying to make it stable.

So … my mom … all 3 of us were attached to her hip. She was beautiful and gentle and kind – soft sweet old school demeanor … I am her carbon copy… only difference is – I am more modern version … sorta I older now though

I am the oldest of 3… I have a brother and a sister.

I love them very much. ❤️ we are across the United States from each other don’t get to see very often but we text and talk or FaceTime all the time – they like the only people I FaceTime lol

My mom was funny – she was always making us laugh ❤️❤️ you never ever ever doubted her love for you… she was devoted to her family and children.

The last of the classic generation.

She had good morals and was a wonderful role model for how to be a person… but she did kinda raise me for 100 years ago… so 🤷‍♀️ whatever – I work it and own it, so I figure out. Sometimes best lessons are ones you learn for own self.

When I would get in trouble, of course she would say my first and middle name lol … the full one lol

She just had a very loving and kind nature – always taking care of others … the doctors wanted to ask her what she would like to do… but my brother has power of atty. and if you asked my mother what she wish to do… she would tell you either: “oh no don’t worry about me, or oh ok.”

My mannerisms are just like her. I look like her when she was younger.

She is my heart – loving and caring … funny and whatever lol … that part is her

My father is my mind – realistic – that part is him

My dad always seemed ocd? Or that’s what they always used for excuse

Every morning they would have their cereal bowls and things set out perfectly … was that to remind someone of what happens in the morning ? Or just my dads ocd?

My mom would save things for sentimental reasons and my dad would label and categorize it.

So mostly I am my mothers daughter. But I also have pieces of my father.

Or is that for me to remember?

You are effected by how raised and what you go through… who the people are in your life.

Keep people who love you and have your back. Make sure you love who you are… keep people who will have your back through the worst of times. The solid ones. Earth angels

See … there is an American Christmas movie classic called “It’s a Wonderful Life” … you see how one person can effect another’s life… and you see humanity and how precious relationships are.

And then I have their life in photos and movies – so to watch and be in the ending really breaks my heart. 💔 I am not ready for the ending

But then like I said I do not have her – she is not here with me 😭 what I have of my mother is gone so to know and watch her suffer just pulls my heart out.

I want her back sooo badly … that’s my mom 😩😭💔

But then I also want her to have peace

But then that means she won’t be here at all 💔😭

I am blessed to have had such amazing parents and was given a good life to be raised in… I know I am lucky and thankful with that.

When she dies … I be the oldest in the family 😮

I am blessed for my mom – thank you for giving HER to me ❤️

Just to lose her hurts so much and my mom was supposed to live forever. 🙏✌️

I just see her life…. As comes to end … and then my heart breaks 💔

I see a lot of death … but after the death … to actually go through the death is more heart wrenching – harder to keep stable since your heart aches and you want to cling.

Yes I miss my mom… I want her back

She always would say when we die everyone we ever loved be waiting there all happy and excited to see you.

My mom was optimistic type – I am somewhat that way mostly I think … but her world was always sunshine and roses 🌹- we would tease her – but we are same

She always teased me saying I lived in “Pleasantville” because people always so nice to me

Ok so… the end. Ok I guess I can maybe grow up? Which I have as a person – but as a daughter I have not… I do not want to let go – please don’t leave me

But then it’s better for her to have peace – and what I have anyway? I want peace for her

One day… you will lose your people… one day your world changes. Sometimes you have no choice.

We have Covid, we have war, economy is awful, everyone fights … but do we see?

Just life?

https://youtu.be/RNOTF-znQyw

😭

So ok – life.

Sometimes is amazing – sometimes punches you in gut! You have to be ok through punches – be strong

Have a strong support around you… is ok to push away to have a moment of peace … everyone handles things differently. Handle the way best but be strong… is moment

https://youtu.be/aDBkbRmYFkI

So life does that. Be aware. Don’t take for granted

Anyway… so my mothers status…

My mom had a heart attack yesterday, they did chest compressions before transporting her to hospital … so maybe her heart stop for moment ? 😭💔

She is fine in hosp sedated and still intubated – they intubated her yesterday – they sedated her because she did not want that down her throat and we are afraid she will take it out.

So because of her age (75) and Alzheimer’s we are going to less invasive treatment rather that open heart surgery for stint… we gonna pull the intubation tube out tmrw … and she gonna stay in hosp under supervision and see what happens 🙏

She takes a drug for high blood pressure that she has taken for years called:
Lisinopril

But suddenly they think is causing the allergic reaction causing her stomach and tongue to swell, they still have not been able to get that swelling down

So.

Oh yeah and also… I have not done any medical tests… now they call me to offer counseling saying is part of my team – I was on call so I was taking someone’s death call when they left that message. I have not called back yet

Last week a man with similarities to my dad died and last night someone had my mothers name…

Do you believe life sends you signs? Is he calling for her? Ya know? Is time for them to be back together?

So I try very hard to prepare myself – but it is hard. With so much. Death just surrounds me at moment 😮 and is it giving me warning signs? I don’t know?

My parents were so in love always… never lost that … when you see a deep deep deep love like that and one passes (if they older) it seems like the other will pass within 5 years.

I kinda lost both parents the day my dad died so …

Shouldn’t this be easier ? Since I know is coming and I work in it? But no it is not. I will never get to have my parents on this earth again.

I am strong … I am used to change. I can adapt..

But my heart breaks to lose my mom 💔😭 heart wrenching… just pull my heart out type

So what if I am not ready to lose her – life does not play on MY time line. So … I am half heart and half realist … that is like the worst combo ever!!!

Half the time I cry… half the time I pep talk self into reality

My oldest coming over to be with me and hang today ❤️ he been doing that a lot

He gonna see that I cry today 😮 I am swollen lol … I am allergic to crying ✌️😘 all the water of my body goes to my tears and swells my face lol … plus it makes me all red and blotchy … see allergic. ✌️

Ok I have to go. I let you know as I can 😘❤️✌️

I love you – thank you for being there ❤️✌️

My mom was seizing this morning 😮😵

And her tongue and stomach swelled

Not good news

She is in hospital – they could not bring down swelling and she is now intubated.

We don’t know much yet – but that is the nature with Alzheimer’s 😩

She fell this morning into that seizure… and they send me pictures because she has huge bruise on forehead and scratches

They tell us – not good news … they been running tests and we know more shortly.

Oh boy … 2022 … please have mercy!!

Ok so there is nothing like throwing everything possible at me all at once 😮😮😮 oh my!!

So yeah I want second opinion – I just look at lab work they want me to do… nope – it for my spine

Did you not hear what I say? It is not my spine is my breast … so I’m just not gonna schedule that… and I will book appt with another doctor.

She wrong – I’m telling you straight up is breasts so are you gonna listen or not? She doesn’t know me or my history and she’s wrong

So yeah we will just redo – those are the wrong tests. I am not going through shit again so… are gonna listen? Or just no?

I am not doing any of those tests – I will make appt with another doctor. The tests are wrong… so no. Didn’t listen so nope … it’s 100% the breasts!!

The fuckin spine – dumb – it’s not the spine. If you see photos I have you would understand so… I am not doing those tests. I will see one more doctor.

Yes, life is precious. Those tests are wrong. It’s my breasts not my spine so whatever – not doing. I gladly force myself to do, when they listen and know what doing

(I still want the nurse… she was amazing! She listened ❤️)

One more try. We see

Ok then daughter… I am disappointed in a grade she bring me. Also, lately someone has been umm?? I don’t know the word to use? Taking for granted? So… I tell her I am disappointed and explain where and what she is taking for granted.

That was big discussion – mostly me… I lay it down.

Ok so – ready little girl… welcome to mom’s summer training for the pre-adult lol 🙌

There will be subjects and fun lessons – so… summer 2022 …

https://youtu.be/o1tj2zJ2Wvg

Yeah woman gonna have some lessons this summer – don’t worry … this is my 3rd time

Then work… and of course I am always busy!! Crazy busy!! Always

But gas is climbing – and remember the job close to me? I want it… because I save so much just in gas – immediately – I could walk to work ❤️❤️❤️

I would not need a car!! 😮 I would have one for dr and stuff but I wouldn’t need it! Maybe I wouldn’t have one… we have a lot of golf carts and NEV vehicles that drive in my city 🙄 lol whatever – but that’s an option lol

They want me and position wide open… so I don’t know that I can say no? So that is pressure – how I gonna say no? … I think of gas prices and other things so… I don’t think I can afford to say no…

Usually it’s life that pushes me… now death is pushing me 🤨 it is pushing me closer to home.

When gas was normal… I liked working in another city… no one knew me there – just from where I work and I never know anyone who dies before they die. When I come home – it’s like an escape… different area – away from big city … is nice

But then I will be literally RIGHT HERE!!! IN MY TOWN 😮😮 I know people here… many… and they know me!!

And then my work will be closer to home… do I want death closer to home ?? Ummm nervously when I look at gas and wear & tear on car – ok yes fine come closer to home.

The gas prices – I just can’t and they supposed to go higher … so I think I have to take it? We see I gonna ask questions

But that’s little pressure to leave my group, my people. I still be in same company but another group and another funeral home. By my house 😮

I could walk

So how I gonna say no?

I pushed now

Ok so whatever

And then

I dunno… is all just a lot

It’s a lot.

So leave my people 😮 go to new people 😮

No commute, no gas ⛽️ 🙌

Train daughter to adult correctly

And see another doctor.

Sounds like nothing- but it’s alot

I have millions of thoughts on so much!!

Oh yeah I also have to get the real license before my birthday because my drivers license expires on my birthday!!! Ugh 😑 the DMV

https://youtu.be/drhsKTAkRZc

Omg so much stuff ✋ stop!! Ugh

Ok well whatever – I got it!

https://youtu.be/rsrigY6i0Zs

If you curious…

https://youtu.be/osR1uSnJ854

Is a different state than mine – is east coast – Connecticut. So be slight differences in laws and regulations? But generally that is like a funeral home in United States – not all look like someone’s home? But they have a feel to them. This persons video is closest to my world.

(By law you do not have to be embalmed in California either)

You really can’t be weirded out by the human body. – you giving people last moment of peace on earth. And all of us have bodies. Lol

Funerals used to be different here though…

https://youtu.be/uYdNx3hiwJw

It became big business because took that responsibility off your shoulders when you already devastated in grief

I remember the parlor at my grandparents house … it was exactly as they describe – the nicest furniture and photos – nicest room in house … you weren’t supposed to be in there without purpose or you could use it wanted silence just for sitting in peace or saying rosary ? But was not a room normally used … for company yes maybe… and I remember seeing those funeral photos in that room.

Even now we will have families who the next of kin can just not cope with the death – and how you gonna plan a funeral like that?

Is uncomfortable subject for most… and in devastation is hard to go through

So turned into big business – you don’t watch it because no one wants to think of death ever. But you should.

And it’s a documentary and really long… but if you curious… also a thing around my job

https://youtu.be/WTNEX8jRtMg

(I love that documentary – my kids can not stand the documentaries I watch lol – they roll their eyes) but is curious and fascinating – many things to learn or know

As with anything – the more you know – the better

We help anyone … we help whatever religion how they would like. Whether you religious or you not … we do how wish.

There are many workings.

We work with many churches and have many different kinds of services

I have a chapel and reception rooms… also arrangement rooms … we have urn rooms – but we do not have a casket room – we do not have caskets ⚰️ on site until the decedent is casketed and we have our own Carecenter – we use only one.

It’s crazy to look at how evolved 😮 corporate America stepped in … is like blood in the water to a shark – money

Nothing in life is free – or death

You really need to shop the funeral homes for best price – but also make sure is good care!! Meet them, make sure you like them!!

During Covid when we could not have services and the industry changed for a minute … it was just the simplest of goodbyes 😔 …alot is for closure to the ones who are left behind and the dignity of the person. The way we send off our loved ones – there are sooo many traditions!!

When you can’t have those – people have another devastation… is their final act of love for person who pass – it was very hard cause broke peoples hearts again

It can be devastating and sad… it can be beautiful and touching … it can be interesting or anything actually – is many ways it can be.

We try to be a comfort and help someone through loss. I try to stress how important it is to shop around funeral homes for pricing and also the specific care you want – we all have specialties

We can do anything but mine specializes hugely in Catholic and Greek Orthodox (because of the population around my funeral home) – my funeral home is also the funeral home for a local hospitals infants – so we see many babies and things – we give a flat cheap rate for infants or fetal deaths.

I have another who specializes in Jewish funerals – or Muslim … the ones that have to go really fast due to religious specifications

And my other one specializes in Asian funerals – a lot of Chinese funerals

That is my 3 … but there are 9 funeral homes in my local network that all have specialties

We can all handle whatever comes to us – we just specialize in what comes to us the most at that particular home.

And you do not have to be religious for us to do whatever way you wish.

Make sure you like the people helping you… you gonna be with them through grief and that is a lasting memory – you want to make sure you are in comforting hands and with people who know your traditions and what you want.

Even though my specialty is not Jewish or Muslim – we are familiar and we would reach out and pull in my Jewish or Muslim team – because we have connections with every religion… we also have the washing rooms they will need for their rituals- we have all the supplies for anything

When they have Catholic or Greek Orthodox at another funeral home – they call us because we are the experts and we have those connections

I have one that is so amazing with Greek Orthodox – I call her my Greek Goddess because she is THAT good and has such a tight connection in Greek community. When the parishioners ask their church who to use – they say us ❤️

And then we have tons of Catholic because high population of Italians in the area of the funeral home – we have many very beloved families

Many have used my funeral home since turn of century – it has moved around locations but we have handled many families from their great grandparents to themselves – some families will swear by us because of that.

Back in the day they used to live right in the funeral home – you may see some private family owned ones still do that… and on occasion in the winter with our storms – I have been known to stay over night lol 😮✌️ some have little apartments lol

You have to help someone pass. So we just do our best.

** as with anything there can be corruption, obviously even in 2022 (look how world is) … so again – shop your funeral homes … you have every right to know them, ask questions – they taking care of final goodbye of your loved one!! You want to feel comforted and also secure!

It is not us who set the prices – that is corporation not us.

If you are a United States veteran we can get you honors and a flag 🇺🇸- we do that alot

We also do a lot of ship in’s and ship outs all over the world – we have to deal with many consulates (😑) every single document must be translated and correct – ugh we just pay a lawyer to do that!! It’s very involved.

It takes orchestrated team. Sometimes like I say… it can be like a symphony. Sometimes it’s insane but sometimes it’s really awesome!

But that is my world in those videos

Every day my world is death, hospitals, regulations etc

When you are on this side – you have empathy – maybe because you know the pain of loss?

We all have stories as to what drew us to this profession!! 😮

And someone has to do it. That’s how we do it in the United States 🇺🇸 … each state has own laws and regulations. But that is closest to my world.

https://youtu.be/NKMtZm2YuBE

Hello

Today I worked – I did accomplish a lot of things … but it was also had a lot going on …

Connected HUGE with a family ❤️ awww 🥰

Since I just had loss and they have loss, there was a connection in spirit. 💔 ❤️

And then also my team are fricken rockstars!! Omg I love them ❤️

They hate to be called Rockstars though, lol … but we always do that anyway, is term of endearment lol ❤️ they amazing!

https://youtu.be/82vpIsQ3lX8

They amazing – you should have seen the coordination we all did today 🙌❤️ was like symphony ❤️

https://youtu.be/aatr_2MstrI

I was only one working – but death is my job – I just love when is such team work and goes so amazingly! ❤️ I just love my team

The family was apologizing to me for not knowing the procedure … I told them … we do this every single day, but normally NO ONE want to talk about death, at all, ever!

People wanna avoid that until they have to… no one just drops by the funeral home, well some preplan so they lock in current rates and will be taken care of in death. But usually people do not wanna discuss death

But there are a lot of interesting things with death … and if you ignore something that is coming at you eventually … isn’t that how we end up with all the problems everywhere anyway??

Not looking forward to see what’s coming?

It’s hitting me oddly … there is sadness but then also, like today with that grief connection with family, and then ya know – I helping them with their loss and I have my own…

Oh and then there is something I learn today about country boy. Hmm 🤔

So this is new news. I see.

I am not quite sure what I think of it … but he is breeder … they had puppies last night – so mine died and his was born.

That’s kinda deep.

I would not want one of those puppies… way way way too big of a breed for me… I am mostly chihuahua… but I like the small ones – I grew up with chihuahuas and beagles. (and birds and turtles and fish lol… and cats… Guinea pig… many pets – not all at once- ish) but more on the small side.

His be big… I can’t do that. I need small. So.

But it was just weird he tell my they had puppies last night when ours just passed away 😢💔

Life and death

Oh also… I know what is… sometimes men come on too strong immediately!! Ok stop ✋

That young one omg … ok see I can’t not handle that.

He like completely ready to just dive right in something – ok no! Back it up!

He is fricken on it 🤨 ok look I can not!!

That is way too heavy to me!! And also I don’t like that.

I am ?? I don’t know? It’s too much how much he comes at me… sooo that does not work.

That is too much – I am too old – nope 👎 … nope nope nope!

I do NOT want to dive into anything … and while he is nice guy… he is way too much!

I can not. Nope sorry nope.

I really don’t like that at all!! Back it up.

Never approach me like that

Also the way he does feels very ?? Umm 🤔 hmm too much?? Way way way too much!!

I’m not the one. I also do not want to move fast and I do not have time. So. Not the one. Yes I tell him.

I don’t know if he think I serious or not?

Whatever 😑

I am not the type to come on strong to. Careful.

I like it peaceful and chill – no pressure just enjoy life and if meant to be then will fall in place. So. I don’t want it forced and I don’t do well if you come at me too strong.

Big giant no to young man. Nope nope nope

Why is it so hard to just relax and be chill with that?

He is WAY OVER zealous!!

https://youtu.be/xy4FXhkm6Nw

DO NOT BUST A MOVE! Lol

Way way way too much for me.

And he just seem desperate that way too – just relax. Back it up and relax ✌️

See.

It gets a little exhausting something with this stuff? I just want it more “organic”? I dunno?

Plus I want it to fit right. He is not right!

I have way too much currently happening and I do not want someone thinking they gonna just come in my life? And definitely do not be pushy or overwhelming?

And I just can’t – too much

I don’t care time is ticking – I know. But I want the way life directs … “meant to be” … just see what happens … I don’t want forced. I just like peace. Something the world is not very good at. ✌️

I have my children – and a dedicated and devoted team… I found my people … I have good decent life with ups and downs …

So I am in no rush for anything. I see how life brings me?

It is currently beginning to rain – our weather has been really freaky this year??

The heat has been holding off and we been having rain … I washed my car a couple times in January but never failed the minute I wash it rain – so I wait until rain done

I was having thoughts of possibly washing it – but evidentially no… rain is coming 🙌 my lawn needs watering too.

We in June and we having rain 😮 wow! Weather been wonky- not like normal.

Well anyway… I work all day so I hurt and I am tired – I will be back tmrw because is Sunday and be rainy …

Web ex on Monday 🤨👎

Oh I hate Monday!!

I only have one day off this week – because all week is half days and I have to leave early to get daughter – is end of school year on Friday. Then I will have a sophomore ✌️ 10th grade 😮 … and that’s my baby 😮😮😮😮

Ok I need sleep

Good night 😘😴💤🌙

I LOVE life, but it is dumb sometimes and also… I can get lost in death!! 😮😮😮

Today there was this story … 😮🤨

https://youtu.be/_wlrSVxdf9A

🙁 this is ridiculous … stop this shit!!

Ok I think the entire world needs a mental health eval!!! Boy could you imagine the results of that?? Cause everyone is crazy!!! I don’t know what happened to people … but everyone is crazy!

Covid lasting effects – the event that made the world go nuts!!

Ok so… United States – how you gonna stop this??? You got balls? You gonna stop it? Or you republican and democrats just gonna fight over it? You gonna handle or what?

I’m really tired of things continuing to happen, we boo hoo, cry, complain, get mad… and then what? Where is your action?? Can we do something THIS TIME?? You actually gonna do your jobs?? We see.

I’m just tired of seeing it everyday recently – fricken stop!!!!

So if it is not Covid or whatever new thing there is now… now people not gonna wanna be around other people

Omg you making a world of anti social!! Is that what want?

Ugh ok I have to move away from that – because this is awful and I want to see action …

I am for strict gun laws, but I do also support the right to bear arms… however … perhaps you seriously need to do mental evaluation on every person who requests … and it should take awhile, you should NOT be able to walk out with gun right away. The should be doing FULL evaluation – that will take you awhile, government agencies are slow, they are not usually fast and they should NOT be fast with this. Perhaps also anyone in household for mental eval also?

I know it’s tough – but hello ?? What you doin? Why is this shit happening – fix it then!!! Isn’t that why these people in government make the good money and pensions and things ?? Isn’t this their job to fix? You took that job, stop your fighting and fix the shit! Protect your nation! What are you currently doing?

I’m gonna assume nada – because they never do anything but fight… so here we are … and yes I am mad… innocent people losing lives – do you not understand how precious life is? Or is it ok? Is this just something we have to be ready for?

This is what they will do… they will think they have these brilliant ideas to fix – but there is always something wrong the other side doesn’t like … they fight and fight and nothing gets solved … and then the memory becomes distant until it happens again and then just keep repeating all that.

Ugh

Ok yeah let’s move on, because nothing will be done anyway.

Oh … oh wait til you hear about today… so ya know, I am old …but NO ONE is phased!!! Except in way that I look young but am NOT young!! No one ever believe me … and then these things happen…

So there is this ugh 😑… this is this man in his 30’s who tell me today oh god, ugh 😩… that he really likes me, etc etc …

Ok so then I explain I am old, he should go be young… I am boring and no fun. I like my freedom and my peace. He does not know me, I have no idea where that came from today- I did not expect!!! Left field

And let me tell you – was like a deer in headlights! 😳

Ok so that would not be the way to approach me at all… that would be incorrect ✌️ …way too over the top, you don’t know me.

That will make me cautious!! ⚠️ because now I gotta watch him and be careful!! Ugh omg – I hate that! I feel like it’s sorta like fear of stalking? I think I have that fear too? BUT that’s because it HAS happened, couple times … so I just be quiet or try to!!

https://youtu.be/OMOGaugKpzs

Ok ☹️ I ask him … what you want with old lady?

He say I don’t look old, and loves my personality – yeah ok … I hear lines all the time.. so ok whatever

Whatever!!!

Yeah that’s kinda really young, and also approach way too strong – back your truck up!!

Ugh 😑 I just can’t at this moment at all and nope not ready … and I do not know if I would even be ok or comfortable with 30’s? I dunno … that may bother me ? no offense … I do not want to be the REALLY old one… and that is huge age gap… I kinda sorta like within my age range I would do maybe 10 years either way… anything over 10 years I dunno??

Oh and I did not tell you this part 😳…

He say… let me just take you out, and you not worry about anything, let me take care of you, show you how you should be treated 😳😮 … check this youngster out lol 😮

Ok hold your horses!!!

That also sends up few red flags 🚩

https://youtu.be/8SeRU_ZPDkE

So just so we absolutely clear there. ✌️

And then sometimes these guys think is gonna be a selling point to let me know how much money they make!!! I do not ask, but then they just tell me how they financially stable they are and blah blah blah…

On occasion that is sometimes their opening line?

https://youtu.be/mqFLXayD6e8

Ok well great for them 👏

When a guy starts uncomfortably speaking of money like that… I think… ok so what is his bad angle because he is trying to impress me with money?? So what are you hiding? Why you trying to blind with money? Sup with that?

You don’t just go around divulging how much you make!!! Omg … some info should be private until know someone – why would you want someone who would want you for your money anyway?

He keep saying I am beautiful 😑 ugh 😩 I appreciate compliments, yes.. 🫶 .. but he just keep saying that with almost everything he said. That makes me HIGHLY uncomfortable

Beauty fades … so can money so 🤷‍♀️

Eh… failed approach! Do not be so umm?? superficial and shallow!! Also, not any kind of trophy type – nope 👎

https://youtu.be/j13oJajXx0M

So I can not really have that on my plate right now. Let me just chill. You never know what someone goes through – just don’t add to someone’s plate – very important to know someone first.

Don’t try to blind me either ✌️

https://youtu.be/mwgZalAFNhM

Why can’t use own merit of who you are to catch my attention?? … see ??? Ponder that one! Lol

https://youtu.be/cyW2ajAVyfA

It’s just that take some time to know who someone is!! … relax and don’t be a dog!! Chill 🙌

https://youtu.be/tJlWPv0_xp0

❤️

Just chill and let me see who are?

Ok well anyway… work just beats me up – I so exhausted!! Always!

I be reading in minute – I have to eat … I be back shortly

Ok so this weekend I was very silent from literally the world. Except my kids … and I got to have Friday with them ❤️ and Saturday I just did all my chores and bills 💸

Sunday my oldest came and spent day with me ❤️ I cooked for him. He will always come in hot tub with me lol … he’s like the only one lol … but is nice to have his company ❤️ makes the hot tub WAY better!!!

Was nice to have his company ❤️ we talk about alot

And country boy keeps checking on me – and he say Happy Memorial Day … I was being quiet… but usually we say Happy/Merry Whatever Holiday or birthday or celebration 🎊 I was just being quiet

But I said it back. He obviously thinks of me. I just don’t understand him, but whatever – he is supportive and caring so ok. Fine. We see. He’s been kind.

Anyway so I was just kinda quiet. Pretty much all weekend – I just wanted to shut the world off – because it is NUTS!! I needed to just not have the world for one minute – is too much – I needed time to be away. I just needed time.

I have been away from social media for a REALLY long time!!! My company has its own social media – nope – I not doing that … nope nope nope 👎

You gonna pay for my phone ? Then I will install – but otherwise no!! Nope – that was not a condition of my employment and … nope 👎 still no because I do not do social media like that – no!

Then!!!! The neighborhood welcome committee sends me invite to a neighborhood app…

So I am thinking this is app to tell you “FACTS” about the neighborhood?? Like weather, traffic, gas prices, school information, community events … blah blah blah…

But literally all it was is a neighborhood social media … and no!!! I am not doing that either!! That is awful!! Omg the way people talk to each other – no thank you – I’m good. I will stay in 1985 – do not care

I am not doing social media except this thing – ONLY this!! I actually like this lol so … no go on all others. I completely ignore all other social media things – I do have email if that counts lol

I do watch YouTube … but I do not post- I just watch whatever video – usually documentary or some funeral thing? 🤷‍♀️

Anyway… I do not do social media… I do not care – I refuse – only this is ok… so whatever … old school ✌️

https://youtu.be/y6120QOlsfU

Me running from social media lol ✌️😘 because nope, only WordPress.

See how beautiful that sunset is when you get away?? Yeah everyday without – is so nice…

I recently saw how people speak to each other Omg! 😮 ok so yup … wow did it get awful – I didn’t think could be worse but yup… never ever going back on social media – you all can have that. I am good!

It’s very peaceful without – quite zen 🙌

So anyway, I just wanted nothing of nothing – just peace that’s all… I did not have the “energy”?? (I do not know if that’s the right word I want??) But I just didn’t … and ya know things emotional so… I just go quiet.

Also… after they cancelled my Friday MRI which was supposed to be full chest and they could have seen everything … but they cancel by saying “you need CT scan too” 🤨 … well ok – I gonna “think” you know what doing

So they changed it to Breast only MRI and the supposed to be CT scan of whole chest .. but they did not book CT scan on my records and nope I not doing multiple tests

This is fricken America 🇺🇸 … almighty dollar always

So know your shit – I’m not gonna pay for things I do not need … so … figure out who knows what they doing and then let me know what tests.

Maybe should have set me in with cancer doctor to see ? Fuck the tests … I come see you – no fricken web ex!! Be doctor!!

I have a web ex appt with oncologist on Monday

What’s that gonna do… because now … you gonna see me first, before I gonna do anything. Now I don’t trust them at all. So Dr better be a good one… be ready. ✌️ might wanna make sure I have someone who cares and is experienced or no. So whatever, when know what doing, then you can order my tests. Yup. I’m gonna be real tough after last time… nope 👎 not doing that again – nope – know your shit before you touch me!

You do not know what happened last time – so no…

https://youtu.be/mWRsgZuwf_8

So whatever – I will wait.

So be it. Whatever. I cry either way and this way I feel relief… so when they make me feel at ease with what they doing – ok then I listen… but if gonna go off the rails and be all crazy – nope 👎 I am not doing – you will see me first… hello… what the frick is a web ex gonna do??!! You can’t virtually feel anything!!! So what is the purpose ?? Just 🤷‍♀️??

Just see me!! Or no tests. And done ✔️ solves that issue.

So yeah nope!!! 👎

https://youtu.be/lVx1s89Zbbo

When they see me and speak to me… maybe they know what they doing?? Cause they did not know what doing with this.

Nope nope and nope – Cancelled

https://youtu.be/aEb5gNsmGJ8

So.

You can say whatever you want. You do not know what happened last time. So no.

I’ll listen, I just saying you have no idea what happened last time. So.

You either meet me, speak to me, feel me… or no tests. I’m coming at them old school because no for this stupid web ex?? What is that?? For a medical appt?? Cmon!! For something simple – sure … but not this.

I have to pay for portion of these tests also – like I say … almighty dollar always

How much is your life worth? Ya know? Stupid but whatever

So yeah very simply solved by seeing me in person

So. Yup … I am absolutely going to be stubborn on that now after this past weekend nope … see me or nothing. Not doing any tests before seeing in person – nope!!

Fricken web ex 🤨 how you gonna see my boobs on web ex … like a doctor needs to?? Just stop ✋ that’s ridiculous. I do not like that.

Web ex 🤨🙄 I do not like that … only if is simple things – but not this so no. See me or nothing.

Yup I might be little hard ?? Certain areas I am hard ass… this would be one if you are going to make me doubt that you know what doing. If you make me panic completely nope 👎 absolutely not!!

So see me or nothing.

Not commercialized or competitive or mean whatever … remember life when we had one? Before technology?

So yeah … you have to see me first. I’m not gonna play games. Very clear – must see me first! This is a cancer Dr so … you see me first! Then I do the tests

Otherwise I wait. I’m not doing online stuff . Nope 👎 no way you can tell anything on a web ex

Oh god 🙄 web ex medical appt for something serious like this.. and they already mess this whole testing things up – the entire way… so

Now you gonna see me.

I don’t mind seeing my scheduled appts or tests and things – but not actual web ex appts !! Ugh 😑

Ok well whatever. But I am not normal so they don’t know without seeing me… so you either see me or you don’t .

They already show me reason to question what they doing. So. Yup whatever we see

I have web ex 🙄😑 on Monday with somebody? So whatever 😑

Maybe I should just cancel that too and say book me an appt to come in please. You need to see me first!! You can’t just go doing things – you have to see. So stop ✋

And again – how you gonna see anything you need to on web ex… and I do not mind in hospital setting in a private room I am always topless with that – fine whatever … only because I have to.

But I am SOOOOOO not cool with showing boobs on any web ex or whatever else you got going on – nope 👎 … so don’t go thinking that’s gonna happen because no. You need to actually see me.

I am fine at Dr office or hospital because is medical facility and whatever … but no way online like that – nope are you nuts?! Hell no

Ok so

Ugh whatever it will get sorted at some point… when they meet me and know what doing. 😘✌️

I’m a little tired emotionally from today? It was not really a great day … but ended ok. Whew. Not my best Friday.

So they did cancel… they call me last minute and say that.

But she said she asked the doctor… if this was your daughter what would you want?

He said he wanted an MRI on my breasts and CT scan on whole chest. 😳 so they wanna do all on same day… so all day Wednesday I will be in hospital again. 😢 … all day 😳

I do not know to trust them or not … I’m a little nervous with it. I do not trust them. We see

I don’t know if it’s them or going back to hospitals – but it makes me cry? Where have no control that I cry… it just makes me. So I cried little today

And then I freshened up before picking up daughter – I fix my face … but I am allergic to crying because my face is puffy plus I am also red and freckly after crying. So I’m pretty sure that’s an allergy to crying ✌️

But I had fixed my face…’and looked good… I could pass for not having cried… but she gets in the car and she’s like … what’s wrong ? Why you been crying? 😳

I say oh nothing. She continued to grill me for a minute… but I don’t want her to worry at this moment or be afraid … she cry for me last time so… that is also hard.

So anyway. I guess it’s thorough ? I don’t know if I trust them though or they just wanna be out early tonight?

She did kinda get me when she said she asked the doctor if I was his daughter what would he want?

Because in funerals we do same… if this was our own loved one – how would we want them cared for? Just compassion for another human being

So we see. They can say anything … so I’ll just have to see I guess

My week going to be little and this is my work a lot week!!

I have Monday off as paid holiday for Memorial Day!! First time we don’t have to be in office – usually we always work – but we just have phones on Monday

Of course this all occurs during month end 😳😮

My kids ended up coming to spend our Friday together. ❤️ so I at least got that. ❤️

We were gonna have to cancel because of test and rest of weekend one of the boys works weekends

So we got to still have Friday ❤️

So it ended ok.

I’m a little quiet but also fine. Really tired

I will read and respond tmrw.