Alright

Ok … so one of the reasons I do the blog, the way I do it, is because I know mental health is issue with people – including myself.

But what I wish to portray is “Life” … we are not taught life… there is no manual. You have to do the best you believe, but life will throw things at you.

What I want you to keep in mind, is that … sometimes life gives incredible highs… you are so happy that your heart could burst, and you feel like you are on top of the world.

https://youtu.be/w5tWYmIOWGk

Then you have moments that are just peaceful, and some that are not.

In life you will see things that will stick in your mind and effect who you are or how you think.

I also want to show you that sadness and devastation is part of life too for all of us.

I feel it is more healthy when you see all sides of life. I like to avoid bad things if I can. 2017 was my absolute year of devastation… but 2022 probably gonna punch me. Whew ok.

But I want you to see “A” life with ups and downs – not perfect. Plus you only know my words mostly.

Life is truly a rollercoaster.

These are things you need to stay strong through.

I sometimes wonder if I will die from that broken heart syndrome thing… I think my heart will take me out. Someday.

The heart is something that I am sensitive with. 💔 inside my heart actually bleeds – I’m pretty sure, cause it feels that way.

So I have to prepare myself for my mother to pass 😩😭😭

Ok so I know this is coming. Whew.

I don’t have her now. 💔 I lost both my parents when my dad died 😭💔

But… ok so I struggle because my heart jumps in and scrambles my brain… but then the brain keeps trying to bring my heart into reality. Sometimes the heart power is very strong!

Those 2 sides clash!!!

It’s just … my mom 😭 …so see, even in my writing you are going to see heart – and then also my brain trying to make it stable.

So … my mom … all 3 of us were attached to her hip. She was beautiful and gentle and kind – soft sweet old school demeanor … I am her carbon copy… only difference is – I am more modern version … sorta I older now though

I am the oldest of 3… I have a brother and a sister.

I love them very much. ❤️ we are across the United States from each other don’t get to see very often but we text and talk or FaceTime all the time – they like the only people I FaceTime lol

My mom was funny – she was always making us laugh ❤️❤️ you never ever ever doubted her love for you… she was devoted to her family and children.

The last of the classic generation.

She had good morals and was a wonderful role model for how to be a person… but she did kinda raise me for 100 years ago… so 🤷‍♀️ whatever – I work it and own it, so I figure out. Sometimes best lessons are ones you learn for own self.

When I would get in trouble, of course she would say my first and middle name lol … the full one lol

She just had a very loving and kind nature – always taking care of others … the doctors wanted to ask her what she would like to do… but my brother has power of atty. and if you asked my mother what she wish to do… she would tell you either: “oh no don’t worry about me, or oh ok.”

My mannerisms are just like her. I look like her when she was younger.

She is my heart – loving and caring … funny and whatever lol … that part is her

My father is my mind – realistic – that part is him

My dad always seemed ocd? Or that’s what they always used for excuse

Every morning they would have their cereal bowls and things set out perfectly … was that to remind someone of what happens in the morning ? Or just my dads ocd?

My mom would save things for sentimental reasons and my dad would label and categorize it.

So mostly I am my mothers daughter. But I also have pieces of my father.

Or is that for me to remember?

You are effected by how raised and what you go through… who the people are in your life.

Keep people who love you and have your back. Make sure you love who you are… keep people who will have your back through the worst of times. The solid ones. Earth angels

See … there is an American Christmas movie classic called “It’s a Wonderful Life” … you see how one person can effect another’s life… and you see humanity and how precious relationships are.

And then I have their life in photos and movies – so to watch and be in the ending really breaks my heart. 💔 I am not ready for the ending

But then like I said I do not have her – she is not here with me 😭 what I have of my mother is gone so to know and watch her suffer just pulls my heart out.

I want her back sooo badly … that’s my mom 😩😭💔

But then I also want her to have peace

But then that means she won’t be here at all 💔😭

I am blessed to have had such amazing parents and was given a good life to be raised in… I know I am lucky and thankful with that.

When she dies … I be the oldest in the family 😮

I am blessed for my mom – thank you for giving HER to me ❤️

Just to lose her hurts so much and my mom was supposed to live forever. 🙏✌️

I just see her life…. As comes to end … and then my heart breaks 💔

I see a lot of death … but after the death … to actually go through the death is more heart wrenching – harder to keep stable since your heart aches and you want to cling.

Yes I miss my mom… I want her back

She always would say when we die everyone we ever loved be waiting there all happy and excited to see you.

My mom was optimistic type – I am somewhat that way mostly I think … but her world was always sunshine and roses 🌹- we would tease her – but we are same

She always teased me saying I lived in “Pleasantville” because people always so nice to me

Ok so… the end. Ok I guess I can maybe grow up? Which I have as a person – but as a daughter I have not… I do not want to let go – please don’t leave me

But then it’s better for her to have peace – and what I have anyway? I want peace for her

One day… you will lose your people… one day your world changes. Sometimes you have no choice.

We have Covid, we have war, economy is awful, everyone fights … but do we see?

Just life?

https://youtu.be/RNOTF-znQyw

😭

So ok – life.

Sometimes is amazing – sometimes punches you in gut! You have to be ok through punches – be strong

Have a strong support around you… is ok to push away to have a moment of peace … everyone handles things differently. Handle the way best but be strong… is moment

https://youtu.be/aDBkbRmYFkI

So life does that. Be aware. Don’t take for granted

Anyway… so my mothers status…

My mom had a heart attack yesterday, they did chest compressions before transporting her to hospital … so maybe her heart stop for moment ? 😭💔

She is fine in hosp sedated and still intubated – they intubated her yesterday – they sedated her because she did not want that down her throat and we are afraid she will take it out.

So because of her age (75) and Alzheimer’s we are going to less invasive treatment rather that open heart surgery for stint… we gonna pull the intubation tube out tmrw … and she gonna stay in hosp under supervision and see what happens 🙏

She takes a drug for high blood pressure that she has taken for years called:
Lisinopril

But suddenly they think is causing the allergic reaction causing her stomach and tongue to swell, they still have not been able to get that swelling down

So.

Oh yeah and also… I have not done any medical tests… now they call me to offer counseling saying is part of my team – I was on call so I was taking someone’s death call when they left that message. I have not called back yet

Last week a man with similarities to my dad died and last night someone had my mothers name…

Do you believe life sends you signs? Is he calling for her? Ya know? Is time for them to be back together?

So I try very hard to prepare myself – but it is hard. With so much. Death just surrounds me at moment 😮 and is it giving me warning signs? I don’t know?

My parents were so in love always… never lost that … when you see a deep deep deep love like that and one passes (if they older) it seems like the other will pass within 5 years.

I kinda lost both parents the day my dad died so …

Shouldn’t this be easier ? Since I know is coming and I work in it? But no it is not. I will never get to have my parents on this earth again.

I am strong … I am used to change. I can adapt..

But my heart breaks to lose my mom 💔😭 heart wrenching… just pull my heart out type

So what if I am not ready to lose her – life does not play on MY time line. So … I am half heart and half realist … that is like the worst combo ever!!!

Half the time I cry… half the time I pep talk self into reality

My oldest coming over to be with me and hang today ❤️ he been doing that a lot

He gonna see that I cry today 😮 I am swollen lol … I am allergic to crying ✌️😘 all the water of my body goes to my tears and swells my face lol … plus it makes me all red and blotchy … see allergic. ✌️

Ok I have to go. I let you know as I can 😘❤️✌️

I love you – thank you for being there ❤️✌️