Someone left soap on my desk but didn’t tighten top… so I go to move it and it goes everywhere … we are scrambling to get director out for service and then she spills her coffee omg

So I was on my hands and knees first thing this morning!! My office smells like coconut and coffee lol

https://youtu.be/5LxC3M-Yngs

Was like keystone cops but with funeral people lol

Ok what day is it ? Tuesday? Ok – it has been so busy today!!

https://youtu.be/j9V78UbdzWI

Ps we don’t do that 😄😄 those caskets are really heavy ⚰️ … never mind with a person inside!!

Nope sorry we do not do that unless you are to provide the casket holder dancers – but even that would probably have to be cleared through legal lol

So short answer – no lol

✌️

I am just so tired 🥱 a lot! I am exhausted and maybe getting burnt out? Not really sure ? We will see

I’m kinda quiet? I dunno ? Am doing ok… little overwhelmed, but just quiet.

I have so much work! I could work 24/7 if they let me.

No … it is not Covid… we do not currently have any Covid cases

Is just the last of the 1920’s… the 1930’s & 1940’s mostly. Old age or health issues mostly

Hospice care makes me little nervous. I’m not sure if I like the way they do things.

But cancer DOES hurt!! It really hurts!! I do not know how to describe? Like ache and pressure and hurt? I don’t know how to describe ?? But is awful pain…

So medication is definitely needed to help comfort and make pain subside a little.

It’s just since I know that pain and then work in death and see hospice – it kinda just hits me a little. That kinda quiets me little bit. It just hits me a certain way.

https://youtu.be/QKx18xrR29c

So it just chokes you little bit

And I dunno ?? Usually I’m fine but I’m overwhelmed with work so maybe sensitive?

So I dunno? I am in thought with many things

Tmrw someone is coming to see my gutters and check them. I had him come give me a quote on Sunday … but he has to look and see if damage so he doing that tomorrow – after I get out of work

When he came on Sunday and I open door, he seem very taken back? And then was like “well hello”

He seem like decent hardworking guy, comes recommended and is a veteran so ok

When he was leaving, he went to shake my hand – I thought? But instead took my hand like a man does a woman when he is about to kiss her hand lol

He did not kiss my hand, just gently took my hand and did ever so slight bow lol – that was different, but guys do funny things anyway, always, so whatever

I was kinda quiet and just smile.

So anyway – I have to go to sleep – I fell asleep after 5… and woke at 8pm … but I have to go back to sleep. I am so tired a lot lately!!

Ok I have to sleep – again – good night 😴💤🌙

Alright – somewhat adulting. Did for a little bit – I think I’m done lol ✌️

I have grocery shopped lol – which I love now!!! All I do is go to the app… pick what I want or need… I can watch total… and select time of DELIVERY!! Omg I just love not having to step foot in a grocery store omg I love love love! ❤️

I don’t have to carry or load anything, I don’t have to be all weird lol … it’s just comfort of own home ahhh … yes deliver please and free delivery so yes absolutely – just bring that to me lol

I pay bills, I have to do stuff I haven’t done yet and oh it’s gonna be hassle – I like easy. So I sorta drag my feet – I do not really like jumping through hoops for things… I just wanna give my information – have changes made and be done. Nice and easy … but no …because things are stupid and it’s gonna be all complicated 🤨 whatever – at some point I will do that.

Ugh the whole world is very complicated!! I am little overwhelmed with really nothing – but something.

So let me ask something?? Ok say you have a decision to make?

And the decision rests between – what is best for you now in this moment?

Or for future? Big picture?

Both could be the right decision – so which decision would you make? Immediate satisfaction – or planned prosperity? Hmmm 🤔

And then if you wait for big picture that is sometimes risky ?

How safe do you make your decisions ? How would you see this?

What if your comfort is seeing big picture and you have belief in building? So what if waiting is more secure?

And what if the immediate satisfaction was little unsure?

So ya know?? I am not sure if I see that decision correctly because I always want to build and plan lol … what is your opinion?

If I wait – it still be hard. If I leave, kinda same but differently? So I dunno? Bleh

I like safe, so I always go that way… but there is huge incentive to wait. So I don’t know?

Oh I like easy way better.

I am also stressed with workload little bit because everything keeps breaking and I have to call people in to fix and corporate keeps trying to upgrade whatever and their stuff just sucks!! Omg !! Their internet and programs are awful and slow – but massively protected and encrypted

Oh … let me mention something since we are in the age of scams … we have families tell us someone from some funeral company called them and wanted personal information

DO NOT GIVE OUT PERSONAL INFORMATION!! ONLY to us!! And we are governed by laws, make sure it is us …

These scammers get their info from obituaries, or things posted; they fish… and when you suffering in grief – I will tell you …sometimes you are in a fog?? You don’t think straight… you are grieving. And since you planning funeral, you think maybe is us or something? – verify!!

I would say …just be aware and be careful – evil likes to take advantage when people are vulnerable. Maybe say “let me call you right back”, and then call the number YOU HAVE for the proper facility or funeral home. We understand and that won’t be a problem. We would rather have you and your info safe – don’t be venerable to a scammer

If you come to my funeral home you talk to or see me all the time. You will know who I am. So if you need help you can call. Or at least one of my people will know that family VERY well!!

So just be careful – you are vulnerable in those moments. Always be alert if doesn’t seem right or you are not comfortable.

Ugh so yeah.

Anyway… also … at my house – I keep mostly healthy food and meals – lots of fruits and veggies 🥦 🥕 🥗 🍎 🍌 🍉 🍓 ❤️ some nuts and things

I have some splurges like coffee chocolate and maybe chips? Just ya know – to enjoy.

We do eat chicken and beef as well. But at her fathers house is all junk food and processed foods

So ya know – your body reflects how you eat… so how do I teach a 15 year old how to take care of health and body but bring up so doesn’t take it as a body image thing?? But more as a health related thing? Is best to make smart choices with food when young.

As with everything “balance”

But because is 15… her body totally changed. She ultra sensitive and I definitely do not want her body self conscious. Just aware of health

I am seeing… and calculating a plan of approach lol – it’s just sensitive subject because of age. So I want to be careful … I do not want any body issues.

Love your body sweetie any way that it is… but health and inside – make sure you care for that also… love all your body.

Also she is with me sometimes when hit on 🤨 yes that happens … with all of them – doesn’t matter who with sometimes… but she see that… and she complain she not as beautiful as me… Ok well… “all this” takes care lol… I don’t just wake up like this lol

I shower – do hair and make up … pick good clothes etc etc – takes time to put together lol

I am usually always that way because of work … I have to look nice and respectful.

Plus I sorta try to eat right, I am picky eater and I don’t eat large portions. Plus I sorta exercise sometimes ish lol

But I’m always running around everywhere at work. So I think that counts for some cardio lol ✌️😘

I do walk. I love to walk.

She is 15, so good time to learn good choices and good habits – I just have to be careful how to bring this up without any issues with anything else.

My family has history of cancer and also auto- immune diseases … as well as Alzheimer’s … so… my dear … is best you take care of that vessel of yours.

But I’m also trying to be respectful about her own choices – just guide her a little … please make smart choices with everything – be smart!!

Don’t let them make you my customer!!

Yeah so doesn’t help I work at a funeral home – so ya know whatever – but I am strategically planning my approach lol ✌️

Ahhh parenting – fun times

Teens are different lol … because everything is literal, serious, personal … sometimes – moments of self discovery with who are and how see

So I just have to be careful so she remains mentally healthy … but I want that body healthy too!! You have to do both lol ✌️

Ok I have to go – I be back later

https://youtu.be/vWz9VN40nCA

And look at this gem I found searching YouTube lol …

https://youtu.be/eV21p_sepgU

So yeah – take care of yourself and stay safe from stuff!!

Ok back later ✌️😘

https://youtu.be/v4o8LhysL2Y

Today was good day ish. I feel quiet today.

I had a good day though. Actually a really nice day!

Was just like old times for a moment – was wonderful we got work done and enjoyed the day with each other. I like her – my co worker! Was pretty awesome – she is soooo funny!! Was just us 🙌 and there was peace ☮️ ❤️

Ahhhhh 😌

We had no services and was just good day – once things worked – we could work – having issues sometimes with many things!!! 😑

Also from everything else – I am extremely silent – just am. From all of it.

Cause I just have time to think sorta … so country boy … he just does not want expectations so basically don’t depend on him for anything

So the only thing that saves him from me leaving his life completely … is the kindness and compassion he had with me…

He always wants to stay in my life for some reason?? For what? I never ever see and when I do we have fun laughing and talking… but we are not same, at all with anything? Well we do have few things in common. Just a few and only by way that he can relate and so can I. He is Trumper and I am not … so ??? Why??

If you don’t wanna care, why you care? So ya know – that’s confusing??

I always want to push away and he never wants me to so why??

And then – ya know … the other one… I am not sure? I am feeling highly untrusting – I don’t know because I am sorta prejudging ?

He has one strike for initial impression…

The problem is I am ultra sensitive to umm ?? I dunno? Vibes ? So I’m gonna be watching who he is and his words, how he speaks and treats people and everything 😮

So I will probably come back and be like “nope” lol

We see

I feel really tired and beat today. Im just so exhausted and it’s only Tuesday!! 😮😮 and it’s not only 8 something!! But I get up so early!! And then work so late. I have long drive!! Every day it gets longer and longer

So anyway. I got to look in old records today – I think they should be in a museum – omg they are breathtakingly beautiful!!!

Depends on how far you go back… I have records from turn of century 1900!! 😮😮 those are handwritten

Then in later years they all meticulously typed by a type writer … now everything is just scanned and uploaded – all paperwork. No more of those beautiful ledgers

You could see cause of death, where buried etc – all info … even the cost!! 😮

And on the back usually handwritten – all the service instructions and things the family wanted

I tell you they take your breath away … and they so old!! Should be in a museum!!! Totally!!

They just beautiful and also fascinating – and to look at them 😮😮😮

The pages are all old, some books are thick – some are not.

*** I wrote this last night … but I was evidently soooo tired … I remember writing and putting phone down for one second to stretch and I closed my eyes for one moment – totally thought to self – don’t fall asleep and here we are … I even forgot to set alarm 😮 luckily I have internal alarm!! Oh thank god! Lol sometimes that is good thing!

Anyway – I am still tired – but time for work!

Ok so… let me explain my life for you… it’s weird!!

Ok see this is why I keep to self… cause there is peace and it is easy and also chill… I have to have a side of my life like that to balance job.

Ok so… there was Saturday – dinner with country boy. It was good talk. But ya know… I do love him but we not on same page – we do not want same things… it’s not right. It doesn’t feel right – it does – but it doesn’t – I am at ease around him because I have known him so long and he’s chill. But again he is not on same page as me… I feel like he’s amazing but he will break my heart a lot and I don’t want that. I just keep a guard with him – I am not at ease trusting him with what I want.

And then remember that guy? He text me today. He say… hi, how are you?

🤨 I say … I am fine thank you – how are you?

He said he was fine and asked if I working – I said yeah always lol

And he asked if he can swing by? I said ok.

So he came to my work 😮

Today I had some corporation guy come to my door this morning and say he here to run a line, but my corporation didn’t tell me anything… they do this!!!!! He was running a phone/internet line

So whatever – the guy from last week? I think it was last week? He swing by my work and texts me when he’s there.

So I went outside, and he said… how come you don’t text anymore? I said well you are attached

He says he didn’t understand what I was asking and thought I meant is he attracted? No that was not what I asking lol

And he says you are a firey one lol

Am I? Lol 🤷‍♀️ maybe … yes because I’m not gonna put up with bullshit – so can ya handle it?

https://youtu.be/SgM3r8xKfGE

If you chill and peaceful and calm – I am same.

Depends on how you wanna come at me. 😘

Also… I used to be a cart girl on a golf course so let me tell you I can handle myself!!!

Yes if a man gonna have interest yes I am gonna be protective – either I be quiet or if you light a spark ok yes then maybe I be slightly firey.

Because I don’t F with shit 🤨

https://youtu.be/e5QEAI_O2IA

I like peace … I’m not going to want anything but peace… I don’t want no problems or drama

I want peace. So yeah ok yes… I came in hard maybe a little ?? Is just so I don’t have to deal with the crazy and jackasses …or Satan’s god forbid!!

And sometimes my words maybe different out here? Sometimes ok fine. I reask the same question in different words – do you have a wife or girlfriend or anything complicated? Point blank lol

Sorry I’m just gonna lay it out… if he can handle it? We see

He said no … but I still on guard. I will take me time.

It doesn’t take long for someone to show who they are. We see.

But we talking and kinda laughing… he has a beautiful smile… also… unless I know someone I don’t really like direct eye contact? Is weird… because if I make direct eye contact people thing that means something – so I just avoid

If I am speaking to one of my families at work I’m fine… or anyone from work… totally fine – at work it’s not a problem

But ok my own time depends where I am and who with? In a grocery store – no!!! No direct eye contact at all!! I just be weird funeral girl lol oh well

If with friends I am fine.

So anyway… my eyes are inviting just don’t look in my eyes lol

And then there are some people who you would swear look into your eyes so deeply that they see your soul! 😮

Well anyway… he wanna know if we can start over and just have dinner. And he knows I work a lot and also knows I have daughter so he says – if it’s this weekend or next or whenever you want.

Ok fine we see

I can’t this weekend.

I don’t know this one… all my people are funny – I tell them …and they tell me turn my location on lol being all serial killer protective lol … yes yes I know …this is why I say.

I don’t know this one at all. So totally do not trust. That shit is earned buddy. We see.

I don’t really know what to think of him?

And why is life doing this at this moment? Can life not throw everything all at once!! I do not do well that way… life needs to stop pushing things!!

Ok so this is weird to just see country boy and then this one – it’s just weird…

See I don’t do well with this – I just like peace

But what if he is peace? So I don’t know?

He see my eyes ..but I also see his – his are this incredible light blue 😮 and he just smiles when he speaks to me…

And that corporation guy that was in my location today… he comes out to leave and there I am speaking to this guy… and they knew each other!!

So that also raises my red flags… because hmm 🤔 just is. They work together … he has also done work for my corporation.

So I don’t know? Am guarded

We see – he will show who he is soon.

He also doesn’t know me. So … that might be scary too??

So hmm … interesting

https://youtu.be/UzWHE32IxUc

But yeah – careful … we see who he is soon – just takes a minute… we see

And this one is also cute 😮 and I don’t know how to read him yet .. We see

😳

He could just totally be a player in which case no! And done.

Ok I don’t know … life pushes – life is pushy

And with country boy … I do love him… but he would be too hard for me… he doesn’t want a woman so… he’s just not on same page.. he just wanna do his own thing… and I can’t do that – it breaks my heart so no

But I dunno this guy is at all. Meh.

I’ll get a read – we see – I just don’t know him

I will highly be watching 👀 …careful

I won’t see him for awhile anyway. Not this weekend – I have daughter – so we see how he waits – I have no other time … until the weekend after next week. So. Yeah. We see

So I dunno. We see …that’s all I can say

I am on high alert 🚨

Alright so let’s get this over with …

Ok so… you know I was married to satan … and when I was still married… I began to have issues with my breasts… the lumps started to appear for first time… I had double lumpectomy the first time…

I was scared … he came with me, and I was crying and he got mad at me for crying. And as they were putting me under – he got up in my ear and whispered really mean things, just before I went out for a surgery.

So while I was going under -my husband and the father of my kids was wishing I would die.

I was on soooo much drugs during that surgery!! It took forever to put me under and then in recovery when I woke I could feel the pain – so they give me more pain meds before leaving hosp… which I did need … BUT …

I didn’t drink, do drugs or even take Advil… even if I had a headache or whatever … I would hold off til I couldn’t take anymore, before I would even take Advil … so my body was NOT used to a lot of substances like that…

So when he picked me up after surgery – I was fine on way home and getting into house… then someone cooked a burrito and the smell made me run to the bathroom to throw up

Now remember … this was breast surgery … they cut open my breasts to get the lumps out … so my whole chest was bandaged.

Throwing up was soooo violent it was awful… I had stitches and it was severe so I was throwing up, holding my chest, and at the same time peeing my pants omg … it was really bad… so I yelled for help…

Instead of helping me – he stood over me and said mean things again. I cried… I sat in the mess and just cried.

And that was the moment I knew I was done. Because through everything I thought he would at least be there in sickness and health like I had always been for him… this was first time “I needed help”

He stole my pain meds for himself and was just a jackass the whole time. That was when I started to plan my escape.

Ok so now… we fast forward to now…

So… I am very hard if someone want to come in my life because I am not going to go through things again with a jackass

I can handle life by my own self or if someone want to enter my life – my thing is in sickness and in health.

Because I think of my mom, and I worry that will come for me or cancer will come back…

I think about if I had stayed with satan through all the breast cancer – I don’t know if I be strong enough to fight when I was with him… and I don’t trust he would have made sure I was ok.

I look at the state of my mother – and I see the care she needs and I am thankful for my brother for taking care of her while I was sick and going through things… they visit every weekend and pick her up for outtings and holidays ❤️ so she is not alone or sad.

But if I stayed with satan – I really don’t think he would have cared for me. With cancer or Alzheimer’s

So I know there will come a time where either I have to care for someone – or they have to care for me…

I give country boy a chance because I see how he is with his disabled child and his other children… I see his care and his compassion… and he had that with me- which is what made me like him…

Once while married – my ex put a gun to my head so… I used to shake around hand guns… and then I volunteered with the police – so I would see their guns and it would make me nervous… even still… and they wanted to go skeet shooting – I always say no

One night I had told that story to country boy

So one weekend he said – I’m gonna teach you … be ready to go. So I was

He took me way up in the mountains away from everything – there was still snow on the ground and it was cold… in the back of his pick up was several different kinds of guns …

He brought a hand gun, a shot gun and a rifle … he placed Pepsi cans far away from us and he shot first so I could just see and watch.

Then it was my turn … he held me from behind and showed me how to hold, told me what to expect, and what to watch out for … he said take aim and shoot.

The rifle was heavy and kinda kicked back… that was too heavy for me… but I did ok … the shot gun was easier and right away I hit Pepsi can ❤️

The hand gun was little unnerving … but the way he teach me… was something I fear from a memory and a bad impression was made … but his gentleness and kindness while he teach me… I didn’t have to fear a gun with him, and now I don’t fear them like before ❤️✌️

I’m not a gun person, but I respect and appreciate them. And he made me feel safe around a gun, taught me how to hold and how to handle… he gave me back that power for my own soul – so I noticed and appreciate always ❤️ I finally went skeet shooting ❤️

And then of course through the deaths of my family and cancer – he pick me up and take me places and took my mind away – was always incredible to me.

So that is why I never turn my back on him. That is why he is still in my life.

But there are areas we don’t quite understand each other…

So he has said he doesn’t want emotions – oh well I am wrong girl then lol … hello… life is emotions!!

The only time I lived without emotions is when I was trying to get away from satan… I stopped showing ALL emotion so he could not read what I was thinking or feeling… I didn’t want him to know how to hurt me. ☹️

So I can’t do the no emotions and I told him that before when he said it. Then I went silent and severely distanced … ok … I remember no emotions – you got it. So I distance

But then he doesn’t want me to distance so he will text me … make me remember him… try to have a convo… I always answer – I might take awhile, but I will answer when my thoughts are clear

He says that he wants to leave and has said that forever but he remains …

He always asks me why I don’t date?

I am sorta independent – I am – and I am fiercely protective … but I am not the type to be by myself. Not at all… but I would rather that. I want to wait until I know I am ready and it is right. I don’t care what people say about that.

He feels bad because he is busy with his work and life and things … and sometimes he texts and says want to see but cancels and I just never see him

My work schedule is difficult too. So it’s hard to match schedules and he either with his kids or I am with mine…

I don’t know if a man would put up with my work schedule? I dunno? I don’t have time. Work doesn’t hurt and is easy … so I just pour into work. I gotta pay bills anyway so I work all the time.

But he stayed in my life and let me learn and let me grow and he stood back – which is good … I needed that totally! ❤️

He does let me be me… and he is kind and compassionate…

When he is around me… he treats me like gold… always always always makes sure I am comfortable or do I need anything… he’s more on serious side of life… I am the jokey playful one … he’s very serious with life things.

We are different types of people too

I just didn’t expect or stop to think … I know women throw themselves at him… I just never thought about it from my perspective with men…

I hate it too so I avoid and stay away…I just didn’t know he does that too? I didn’t know he didn’t like either

He asked me if I ever thought satan would be how he is? And my answer was no, I did not. I thought in beginning he was good man and he was funny and social… just not same behind closed doors

Same with his ex’s he say… so then I see similarities with him

I usually see him as different than me because he is country and I am girly type lol … I don’t hunt or whatever – I can get dirty but I like to be clean lol

He is also republican so that is sometimes where we clash lol … he is hard core Trumper 🤨 I am NOT lol … but we do well there – I let him have his beliefs and he lets me have mine even if we don’t agree – we actually act like adults lol ✌️😘

There are just things we sooo different with.

He feels bad to not have time for me – but I don’t have time for him either. So 🤷‍♀️

And I am in a trajectory up in my little career … so I wanna take it higher… I wanna see how far I can go. I love what I do… but I’ve also always loved every job I ever have

And he just became a grandfather and wants to start to slow life down lol

But bottom line he speaks of leaving and then we never see each other, plus we so different

I am guarded with him in the aspect that the one thing I want … is in sickness and in health… so I just feel no one fits that currently

I know he would treat me like gold and he is aware the type I am. But my heart does not trust him to care for me if/when that time comes.

I just don’t. He does not give me easy feeling when comes to that and he also holds me at a distance. Like I said the man has a brain – he is careful

I don’t trust that he wants another woman so I stay guarded

I do not have expectations for anyone… not everyone has same heart as you do… so be careful with expectations.

I am busy all the time, and even my days off – I need one for my own chores and one to catch sleep.

I don’t need him to “date” me… I don’t want to date.

It would be nice to have someone to come home to but …. I just don’t trust him for that??

While he is amazing to me… I want a companion who will care – should I need care. I am a planner … so I just think if I was in my mothers condition – how safe and ok will I be?

But … I am also not opposed to death with dignity even though they do not allow for Alzheimer’s – there is no way I would be ok going through that so… either you help me or you don’t – but I’m not gonna do that. I want to be ok… and I don’t think would be. I want my terms – my life. My end.

We see. Either way I will handle

But if someone wanna be in my life like that – if you feel you can not love someone enough to want to be there for them, then do not waste your time on me.

I am firm there

Never again will I give time to a satan nope 👎 been there done that – I’m good! I do just fine handling my own and will make my decisions as I go – but you want to be beside me and enter my life – that is what I want – are you gonna care or not?

The striking thing he said suddenly at dinner was – you know Alzheimer’s runs in my family too. He just said that out of the blue.

If I love someone I am fierce with their protection and care… but I am like that with strangers too if being mistreated or in pain.

It just struck me as odd that he say that and we were not even speaking of that subject.

Ok well do you not think I would be beside you? In a second… so I would do if tables turned …

I know how helpless I was with my surgeries ☹️ of course I take care of others – especially if I love them!

So I dunno ??

I also don’t want to let him in if he is planning to leave. I don’t want to be in love for nothing I have already done that – refuse to do again.

I building my life… I work very hard… so I do not want to settle this time. You either want it or you don’t it’s pretty simple – I’m not going down a dark road again nope 👎

He even say I should date before I get too old

Why? Because is superficial? I don’t want that anyway.

He says conflicting things – so I don’t really know

So I use caution with him… and he does with me.

Because he is not clear I do not trust him to give me what I want – he knows full well what I want.

You can say whatever you want but I am not gonna budge on this. I either do myself or have what want – period.

So. We see … but I don’t think he is right for me. I adore him and would love to have a life with him… but I do not think we on same page and I just do not trust him with what I want

So we see

Ok well it’s late and I have to get to bed – Easter dinner was nice – I’ll tell you that tmrw – I’m glad I went ❤️

Good night

So… my old landlord/family invite me to Easter dinner tonight so I might do that? I think I will 😊❤️ they having ham and candied yams etc… I am by myself – daughter is with father today.

Don’t worry I will finish the story from earlier… regarding the one thing I want lol … but later because I don’t wanna be all “cry face” lol

My face swells if I cry so no! Not right now lol – later

But we see – I’m not sure I wanna go to dinner ?? I been sleeping and Mother Nature decided to come today so I also have pain – Happy Easter lol

I probably will go… because I miss them, and I love them so we see lol ❤️✌️

https://youtu.be/IbL3NfWJUQs

That… was one of my all time favorite movies – I love it very much ❤️ National Lampoons Vacation

It reminds me of my family… because we took vacations across the country and funny things would happen and amazing memories ❤️ I miss them

But as you see – I make families all over the place lol … I have several…

I have my cancer family, I have my catholic family, I have my work family, and then my private family – those who come into my life privately. 🙌 I have made plethora of families ❤️ … and at work I service families lol

https://youtu.be/mPbFxEGzCaM

Ps… I survive so well because look how amazing my families are ❤️ … I never go hungry, I am never alone if I don’t want to be, they include me always… always remember me…

My families ❤️ I am a family oriented person 😄😘

https://youtu.be/oMVe_HcyP9Y

If you take mine away – I just keep making more 😘✌️❤️ it just happens ❤️

I survive in general and mentally because I have amazing people secured in my life ❤️

And here too ❤️ my WordPress family … Happy Easter 🐣🐇 ❤️

Ok… so… guess who came over to see my house yesterday! 😮 yup … country boy.

He came over, I quickly show him around and then we went out to dinner and talked.

He said some things that struck me??

So you know how I always complain about being hit on? Because it’s like constant? Ok well …

Is same for him. He’s really hot, and in shape… he plays baseball ⚾️ among other things … women throw themselves at him…I know this

I keep distance let him do his thing. Whatever we are not together. You be you.

But he doesn’t like it … just like me!! 😮 …because there is always a motive … sex or money whatever who knows? But people have motives a lot! It’s never just chill – but he’s different with that – he is chill without motive so far. And at the very least he’s really patient with me lol ❤️

I don’t have any motive with him either… whatever … don’t care about his money or what he has or doesn’t have – I make my own money and have my own things. I never going to be at someone’s mercy again.

I think I am little more comfortable now since this convo that he is not with motive either… so ok… he’s not totally aiming to get in my pants – alright – I can handle that lol – at the moment

I know that women throw themselves at him… I just didn’t know it bothered him same way bothers me?? Huh? 🤔 … but then again I am the one who does not do that – he knows how I feel but I also have a silence and distance thing lol … I will go silent and distance – I just be quiet 🤫 am either in thought or in protection/coping mode lol ✌️

I still question things little … he says things but then it doesn’t process correctly for me lol …

Like for example – he say he eventually wanna leave California – (he is a Trumper – that’s a whole other subject lol omg) – California is very very VERY liberal and they soft on crime and blah blah blah… yes extremely liberal.

So he wants to move to THE MOST republican state in the United States lol … ok I definitely do not want that lol … Wyoming or something? I dunno – is somewhere cold and desolate area

I don’t want either side – they both suck! Republicans and liberals!! Omg – is there a neutral state?? Preferably not cold lol

I just don’t wanna deal with any of that political stuff – I’m tired of it … I do not fall on either side… I am independent… I decide who I believe to be best… not based on party – cause I could give 2 shits about these stupid political parties – they are idiots … and I say that very seriously!! I’m tired of both of their shit!!! Ugh!!!

But he’s republican lol and a Trumper omg … so that’s fun lol

But whatever … he tells me about these plans he has to move out of state…

But he’s been saying that forever – cause he can’t take the California liberals

So he talks about plans for that… and his kids and parents moving with him too…

I dunno if he just say or not? But then he say he doesn’t make plans lol – he lives in the moment because moments can change in an instant.

Before I met him – many years before I met him… he was in a really bad car accident that almost took his life so… he does have an understanding and appreciation of life. That draws me to him little bit too… because he has that understanding … he knows how precious life is ❤️

But he talks about plans and leaving California … but then says he lives in moment and doesn’t make plans – eh… that does not make sense lol … you make plans to leave – that is plan – that is not the moment lol

He claims he is not a planner lol whatever

I am definitely a planner. I definitely like to plan things lol ✌️ I make plans and hope they go as planned …but if they don’t is fine too … I just like a plan to feel better equip to handle. But I generally take a “whatever” approach …and just go with how life directs, I TRY to plan… but life does funny things so “whatever”

And some thing I do like about him …is that he is careful with me. I like that. That’s how I know he has a brain lol ✌️❤️

He’s just kind and never tries to push anything on me.. he also has allowed me to become myself after everything while still being there in the background – he stands back and let’s me find my way ❤️ doesn’t muddle it up lol

Has let me just come into my own self ❤️ I needed that!

He is guarded because he doesn’t want “expectations” lol – which I get …

And I don’t have any “per sé” lol … but given my past I have a very hard line… I feel that if you want to be in my life than be there … if you don’t oh well… I also very strongly feel I don’t have to have expectations… you either want to or you don’t – don’t do me any favors

Lol so ya know … I have a slight hard edge. 😘 you either enjoy life with me or you don’t. I don’t play games and I like my life peaceful. I build what I want.

But that one thing I do want… I don’t want to say because it will make me cry and I don’t feel like crying. 🤫

He made some comments last night that caught my attention so let me finish this later.

Is not bad what he say, was good- just caught my attention… just the subject is bringing tears to my eyes so I don’t wanna talk anymore

I will finish later – chokes me up too much – will make me cry ✌️😘 later I do that lol – not now

To be continued later …