Want

Alright so let’s get this over with …

Ok so… you know I was married to satan … and when I was still married… I began to have issues with my breasts… the lumps started to appear for first time… I had double lumpectomy the first time…

I was scared … he came with me, and I was crying and he got mad at me for crying. And as they were putting me under – he got up in my ear and whispered really mean things, just before I went out for a surgery.

So while I was going under -my husband and the father of my kids was wishing I would die.

I was on soooo much drugs during that surgery!! It took forever to put me under and then in recovery when I woke I could feel the pain – so they give me more pain meds before leaving hosp… which I did need … BUT …

I didn’t drink, do drugs or even take Advil… even if I had a headache or whatever … I would hold off til I couldn’t take anymore, before I would even take Advil … so my body was NOT used to a lot of substances like that…

So when he picked me up after surgery – I was fine on way home and getting into house… then someone cooked a burrito and the smell made me run to the bathroom to throw up

Now remember … this was breast surgery … they cut open my breasts to get the lumps out … so my whole chest was bandaged.

Throwing up was soooo violent it was awful… I had stitches and it was severe so I was throwing up, holding my chest, and at the same time peeing my pants omg … it was really bad… so I yelled for help…

Instead of helping me – he stood over me and said mean things again. I cried… I sat in the mess and just cried.

And that was the moment I knew I was done. Because through everything I thought he would at least be there in sickness and health like I had always been for him… this was first time “I needed help”

He stole my pain meds for himself and was just a jackass the whole time. That was when I started to plan my escape.

Ok so now… we fast forward to now…

So… I am very hard if someone want to come in my life because I am not going to go through things again with a jackass

I can handle life by my own self or if someone want to enter my life – my thing is in sickness and in health.

Because I think of my mom, and I worry that will come for me or cancer will come back…

I think about if I had stayed with satan through all the breast cancer – I don’t know if I be strong enough to fight when I was with him… and I don’t trust he would have made sure I was ok.

I look at the state of my mother – and I see the care she needs and I am thankful for my brother for taking care of her while I was sick and going through things… they visit every weekend and pick her up for outtings and holidays ❤️ so she is not alone or sad.

But if I stayed with satan – I really don’t think he would have cared for me. With cancer or Alzheimer’s

So I know there will come a time where either I have to care for someone – or they have to care for me…

I give country boy a chance because I see how he is with his disabled child and his other children… I see his care and his compassion… and he had that with me- which is what made me like him…

Once while married – my ex put a gun to my head so… I used to shake around hand guns… and then I volunteered with the police – so I would see their guns and it would make me nervous… even still… and they wanted to go skeet shooting – I always say no

One night I had told that story to country boy

So one weekend he said – I’m gonna teach you … be ready to go. So I was

He took me way up in the mountains away from everything – there was still snow on the ground and it was cold… in the back of his pick up was several different kinds of guns …

He brought a hand gun, a shot gun and a rifle … he placed Pepsi cans far away from us and he shot first so I could just see and watch.

Then it was my turn … he held me from behind and showed me how to hold, told me what to expect, and what to watch out for … he said take aim and shoot.

The rifle was heavy and kinda kicked back… that was too heavy for me… but I did ok … the shot gun was easier and right away I hit Pepsi can ❤️

The hand gun was little unnerving … but the way he teach me… was something I fear from a memory and a bad impression was made … but his gentleness and kindness while he teach me… I didn’t have to fear a gun with him, and now I don’t fear them like before ❤️✌️

I’m not a gun person, but I respect and appreciate them. And he made me feel safe around a gun, taught me how to hold and how to handle… he gave me back that power for my own soul – so I noticed and appreciate always ❤️ I finally went skeet shooting ❤️

And then of course through the deaths of my family and cancer – he pick me up and take me places and took my mind away – was always incredible to me.

So that is why I never turn my back on him. That is why he is still in my life.

But there are areas we don’t quite understand each other…

So he has said he doesn’t want emotions – oh well I am wrong girl then lol … hello… life is emotions!!

The only time I lived without emotions is when I was trying to get away from satan… I stopped showing ALL emotion so he could not read what I was thinking or feeling… I didn’t want him to know how to hurt me. ☹️

So I can’t do the no emotions and I told him that before when he said it. Then I went silent and severely distanced … ok … I remember no emotions – you got it. So I distance

But then he doesn’t want me to distance so he will text me … make me remember him… try to have a convo… I always answer – I might take awhile, but I will answer when my thoughts are clear

He says that he wants to leave and has said that forever but he remains …

He always asks me why I don’t date?

I am sorta independent – I am – and I am fiercely protective … but I am not the type to be by myself. Not at all… but I would rather that. I want to wait until I know I am ready and it is right. I don’t care what people say about that.

He feels bad because he is busy with his work and life and things … and sometimes he texts and says want to see but cancels and I just never see him

My work schedule is difficult too. So it’s hard to match schedules and he either with his kids or I am with mine…

I don’t know if a man would put up with my work schedule? I dunno? I don’t have time. Work doesn’t hurt and is easy … so I just pour into work. I gotta pay bills anyway so I work all the time.

But he stayed in my life and let me learn and let me grow and he stood back – which is good … I needed that totally! ❤️

He does let me be me… and he is kind and compassionate…

When he is around me… he treats me like gold… always always always makes sure I am comfortable or do I need anything… he’s more on serious side of life… I am the jokey playful one … he’s very serious with life things.

We are different types of people too

I just didn’t expect or stop to think … I know women throw themselves at him… I just never thought about it from my perspective with men…

I hate it too so I avoid and stay away…I just didn’t know he does that too? I didn’t know he didn’t like either

He asked me if I ever thought satan would be how he is? And my answer was no, I did not. I thought in beginning he was good man and he was funny and social… just not same behind closed doors

Same with his ex’s he say… so then I see similarities with him

I usually see him as different than me because he is country and I am girly type lol … I don’t hunt or whatever – I can get dirty but I like to be clean lol

He is also republican so that is sometimes where we clash lol … he is hard core Trumper 🤨 I am NOT lol … but we do well there – I let him have his beliefs and he lets me have mine even if we don’t agree – we actually act like adults lol ✌️😘

There are just things we sooo different with.

He feels bad to not have time for me – but I don’t have time for him either. So 🤷‍♀️

And I am in a trajectory up in my little career … so I wanna take it higher… I wanna see how far I can go. I love what I do… but I’ve also always loved every job I ever have

And he just became a grandfather and wants to start to slow life down lol

But bottom line he speaks of leaving and then we never see each other, plus we so different

I am guarded with him in the aspect that the one thing I want … is in sickness and in health… so I just feel no one fits that currently

I know he would treat me like gold and he is aware the type I am. But my heart does not trust him to care for me if/when that time comes.

I just don’t. He does not give me easy feeling when comes to that and he also holds me at a distance. Like I said the man has a brain – he is careful

I don’t trust that he wants another woman so I stay guarded

I do not have expectations for anyone… not everyone has same heart as you do… so be careful with expectations.

I am busy all the time, and even my days off – I need one for my own chores and one to catch sleep.

I don’t need him to “date” me… I don’t want to date.

It would be nice to have someone to come home to but …. I just don’t trust him for that??

While he is amazing to me… I want a companion who will care – should I need care. I am a planner … so I just think if I was in my mothers condition – how safe and ok will I be?

But … I am also not opposed to death with dignity even though they do not allow for Alzheimer’s – there is no way I would be ok going through that so… either you help me or you don’t – but I’m not gonna do that. I want to be ok… and I don’t think would be. I want my terms – my life. My end.

We see. Either way I will handle

But if someone wanna be in my life like that – if you feel you can not love someone enough to want to be there for them, then do not waste your time on me.

I am firm there

Never again will I give time to a satan nope 👎 been there done that – I’m good! I do just fine handling my own and will make my decisions as I go – but you want to be beside me and enter my life – that is what I want – are you gonna care or not?

The striking thing he said suddenly at dinner was – you know Alzheimer’s runs in my family too. He just said that out of the blue.

If I love someone I am fierce with their protection and care… but I am like that with strangers too if being mistreated or in pain.

It just struck me as odd that he say that and we were not even speaking of that subject.

Ok well do you not think I would be beside you? In a second… so I would do if tables turned …

I know how helpless I was with my surgeries ☹️ of course I take care of others – especially if I love them!

So I dunno ??

I also don’t want to let him in if he is planning to leave. I don’t want to be in love for nothing I have already done that – refuse to do again.

I building my life… I work very hard… so I do not want to settle this time. You either want it or you don’t it’s pretty simple – I’m not going down a dark road again nope 👎

He even say I should date before I get too old

Why? Because is superficial? I don’t want that anyway.

He says conflicting things – so I don’t really know

So I use caution with him… and he does with me.

Because he is not clear I do not trust him to give me what I want – he knows full well what I want.

You can say whatever you want but I am not gonna budge on this. I either do myself or have what want – period.

So. We see … but I don’t think he is right for me. I adore him and would love to have a life with him… but I do not think we on same page and I just do not trust him with what I want

So we see

Ok well it’s late and I have to get to bed – Easter dinner was nice – I’ll tell you that tmrw – I’m glad I went ❤️

Good night