So wow 😮 lawyer actually went really good!! 😳😮

He was looking through my files and everything was all MY stuff only… he asked where is his questions, his financials etc

I said those 4 phone book size files, are all his motions while making me answer everything, he never answered or turned over anything, no protected me, he never turned in drug tests or coparenting things or financials

So lawyer asking for all those things including drug and alcohol tests … he said because it will pertain to the custody of my daughter we gonna ask for them ❤️❤️❤️❤️

They were court ordered before – I took mine – passed a 9 panel test… he never took one.

Also lawyer looked at his paystubs and past history of paying me…

He is currently behind on support… ALOT… both on child support and spousal, but he makes really good money, always has. So now we are going after attaching his pay directly from his employer.

He will now have to prove everything 😮

This is the first time a lawyer actually helped me ❤️ the first time I didn’t feel bullied ❤️ the first time I felt like he was working for me ❤️

He is sincere and helpful and he’s helping me ❤️ thats the first time I feel like a lawyer is trying to protect me ❤️

So yeah that went really well – I picked a good one ❤️

This one “I” picked!! ❤️ he’s amazing!!

And suddenly my whole life just blooms again!! ❤️ well until Satan comes back at me… but for now today went well ❤️

I do kinda fear that going after him will make him come at me even harder… so I worry a little … but I’m just going to put that aside for right now… because for the first time – I felt protected ❤️ I’m just gonna go with that for the moment.

I feel relief? A little bit? It’s usually me jumping through hoops and proving everything and answering everything – he has not answered one thing.

He does believe he is above the law… so we gonna see how this plays out – he’s dirty so I’m not totally comfortable … but this lawyer finally heard me ❤️ and finally looked at the files ❤️

That alone gives me a little peace ❤️ so yeah that went well today!!

All 4 of those phone book size files were just his motions and making me answer every single thing – which I did… I did backflips for the courts even while fighting breast cancer – until they made him stop.

Today was the first time anyone cared ❤️

So let’s see how he chooses to respond now.

Then after that… I went and picked up the groceries … came gone … made dinner – spent some time with my daughter

Also I showed the lawyer my daughters school photo from last year while I was in recovery from cancer … she was well taken care of, hair was done, nice dress, that was even before COVID … and I always made sure she was ok… I take good care of her – really good care of her

This year she was with him, her hair was a mess, unplanned outfit – you can see a drastic difference … it’s a severe difference

I am to keep a log of everything with her… if he doesn’t step up with her… we will go for custody. He doesn’t parent at all, only buys them.

So I have to start doing that, and providing communication for him to handle with her… we haven’t had communication in 4 years – it’s that bad

He crushed me while my dad was dying, and I lost my grandparents … and when my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, and while I got diagnosed with cancer and fought that… he was brutal through that… and that’s not counting the marriage itself…

If he was that bad – right after I got out… imagine what that marriage was like!!! I can’t handle him… he is too brutal

We do not coparent together – I parent and he does nothing. I will attempt to coparent … I have done before but didn’t work and he came at me worse – so we see.

Oh yeah and lawyer wants me to set down a holiday plan… if I get for Christmas she is with me period … usually we share … if Christmas falls on my week… I share with him… she can go see him for a few hours – I never try to keep kids from him… but lawyer says is best down the line.

Anyway… so today went well, for the first time… but I don’t hold my breath. We see

I feel protected for the first time ever in all of this. ❤️

And speaking of which… this morning I saw an ad for a Netflix documentary about domestic violence … I don’t watch the news so I had not heard the story…

It was this one…

www.youtube.com/watch

One sick MF… domestic violence is a huge issues that is ignored and not brought front and center – families are private and that is a hard thing to deal with – you have no idea unless you have been through it.

And that is why I am cautious… mine is also a chameleon… and I hid it. Their true colors come out eventually… I got out with my life

But that hit home – how they lie and look so calm doing it. I don’t have Netflix but I just saw that commercial this morning

So yeah – I’m cautious now ✌️

Good day though, finally went good. ❤️ we see ✌️

I work cleaning job tmrw and have Thursday off … Friday I work at funeral home. Daughter has Thursday and Friday off from school. We both get to sleep in Thursday!!!

Hopefully I can turn off the internal alarm for Thursday!! 🙏

Good night for now 💤❤️

I will read and respond mostly on Thursday ✌️ maybe every so often tmrw ??

I am slow moving today lol… I don’t have to work… so I am slow today lol

I still had the stupid internal alarm but that was good cause no one set their alarm and there is school. Woman is doing that currently. Internal alarm comes in handy from time to time lol… even though I don’t like it – sign of aging lol ✌️

She has a substitute in one of her classes today … evidently is a really old old teacher – and she is laughing …

I said “what is so funny? Aren’t you having school?”

And she said “yes but he’s so old and doesn’t know what he’s doing with the technology so there is a constant beeeeeeeeep”, and she made the comment … is that his life support? 😮🤨😄

Ok I try not to laugh because that is half offensive and bad – but then also slightly really funny. Ok fine whatever – laugh when you can.

I have to pick up groceries later and I am meeting with lawyer this afternoon too. 😳😮🙏 ugh please go ok 🙏

I get so tense to deal with that. Makes me feel sick but whatever – can’t wait to be done. Almost there.

It’s funny I just say I am divorced lol… and people be like “ohhh I’m so sorry”

I’m always like “oh no, don’t be sorry, is a good thing” lol … it was and has been so horrific and now is so much better, and just gets even more and more amazing everyday getting away from that!! ❤️

But is funny how people perceive that.

Ok so… perhaps I should move my ass lol … my ass does not want to move lol

Ahhh the things we force ourselves to do lol – adulting 🤨😝😄✌️

Ok I really need to move … cause the more I don’t – the more I don’t want to lol

I be back later ✌️

www.youtube.com/watch

So… today was weird.

Right off the bat, I should have known that… cause day started weird…

I left for work my normal time 7am… I have to be there for 8… but my boss called before I was even out of the country area of my town- I had just left home… and she asked me to cover ugly walls all day…

Ok no problem… so off to that one I went. It’s just a little farther – and I’ve started liking that one.

Ok… got to work… I have to do a million things at that one – the very moment I get in… I have tons of lights to shut off and other ones to turn on, then I have to do the phones (which I hate their phones cause is a big production) the other 2 – I just push a button… this one I have to bring computer up, login to my funeral stuff… bring up the internet, go to a website – log in to the phones 🤨 … then go to settings and switch them… see big giant production – just let me push a button lol ✌️ but whatever … I’m always running around that one when I first get in. That is all normal.

Then my district manager says, I’m on my way over 😳 umm ok?

And then kinda cornered me and asked if I had thought about the position?

So… I just mentioned I have been thinking and here is where my concerns are…

I do want to keep a work life balance, and I’m not sure if I would be good at it? Is sales and things… I would completely handle the family!!

Meaning when a call comes in – they become mine… I will be like an event planner but for funerals… I will have to walk the family through what we offer as far as services, all the paperwork – cause there are many papers to sign…

A lot of families are umm?? Well grief stricken and umm?? It’s hard because they don’t really know what to do… I hold hands well… so I know I have compassion and I have this severe calmness… I am alive and full of life in general – but with this I have a severe calmness making you calm and at ease, so I know I can do that

And I don’t mind explaining everything – however many times they need.

I will be in charge of what they want, whatever they buy, the church, the services (if they want priest or whatever), I will have to coordinate the cemetery (they will handle the plot with the family – I handle everything else)

We do everything ourselves – death certificates through the county and state, permits everything.

I will be in charge of someone’s death 😮 of course I want to do good. I don’t want to take something on if is not something I can do. I don’t want to waste their time or effort

They tell me I already handle families well – and I do… but I don’t handle all their stuff currently… I just calm them get them set for the arranger or help answer questions, or release things to them etc… I do a lot- I do services already sometimes – but just in general not planning and taking over the whole thing!

So district manager spent all morning talking to me about position and said will bring me up to speed first. I will sit in and watch for a little while.

Then they will have me do the paperwork with the family

In the meantime, I will take courses, and then little by little they gonna bring me in… make sure I am ready.

Ok… I can do that. 😳

I already love all the girls – we all work really well together … and I am good with families… I like making it easier on them, bringing them a peace as much as possible. I connect alot- and quick

I am comfortable there, I like the job… there is a peace and calm to it. The planning and everything is fast paced sometimes… but that’s fine, there is still a peace.

That job kinda saved me through COVID … and I’ve kind of melted into things there?

It would be Monday through Friday… 8-5 with an hour lunch (😝) I know why they hate taking lunch lol – you get in a zone getting everything handled then you have to stop for lunch lol – but whatever

I would get a good raise… on top of what they already gave me… full benefits … vacation, sick, the whole 9… it’s all right there… I also get discounts if I die or any of my family (not to be morbid lol… sorry) – but even for my mom … not that that’s a thought in my decision, or needed for her, but it’s there.

I would handle the small funeral home – that be my home base – my original one ❤️

So I said yes, I will do that. I am very organized with things, so I like it to run smooth. I know there are crazy things sometimes and I know I’m going to get attached and connect. And I gotta handle doctors to sign off on things, and all that stressy stuff.

So I think I took a career 😮

I think I know what my problem is … or one of them? lol ✌️

I like a “distance” ?? Taking this going to make all these people come close into my life? I will be in this REALLY close knit industry – they all gonna know me… which is fine…

It’s just after my surgery, I’ve been so? I dunno to myself? Here they will come into my world – I let that down and then come in – I feel like I’m getting married or something… kinda like that?

And then, sadness and death everyday… that doesn’t really bother me too much… cause I am focused on making better and easier for the families and people left behind. But I connect there too

Ok. So I am officially going to be a weird girl lol

When people meet me for the first time in real life outside of work, I give off a lively vibe… I am very full of life… I’m always smiling and bubbly… I am just not what you expect in that profession. When I am at work … I just have a huge calmness and peace? And I am really good with people in general

It’s just weird… I have 2 sides … my full of life/funny one… and then the calmness.

I never saw myself here? Now I see dead people 😳 literally

I went from being all completely alive at the golf course – and coming back to life with the kids at school… and now death? That’s weird

And my staff is absolutely hilarious ❤️ they make me laugh and they are supportive and awesome ❤️ they do give a balance – funeral people are awesome… thoughtful and caring and hilarious!! And you wouldn’t think that with them being hilarious but they are!

I just never saw myself here. I’m gonna have to watch that balance

Alright death, you got me. 😳😮 don’t kill me 🙏

www.youtube.com/watch

I love that song ❤️

Whoa 😳 I can’t talk and I’m not really here posting right now😮…

I have big news 😳 I said I would take the job. It won’t be for awhile – cause I have to train – sit with families, watch, take classes… learn how to do everything – they say they gonna train and I will be comfortable.

I do love my girls and this team… they are awesome!!

So why am I still nervous? Is that just me being weird? Because I am not comfortable yet?

It would be raise, full time, vacations, sick days – Monday through Friday etc etc

So what is my problem? Why do I feel so nervous? Death will own me now 😮

Is that it??

Ok I have to go- back tonight once I am home and situated 😳

They all tell me I’m gonna be amazing with families. Which I know. I am awesome with families – I do really good.

I am comfortable here… maybe it’s just that?? I really don’t know?? I just feel nervous

Is a good job. Just not all happy or anything

I don’t know what it is… I don’t know what my problem is. But I said yes. Ok then

I’ll be back

Let see … tonight we talked and laughed about a lot of things!

First they showed me these meme videos … eh… so I asked … does anyone MY age make really funny videos lol

They tell me no because people my age are just not funny 🤨😄😄… ummm yes we are!!! I’m sure there is someone!! There has to be … I googled and gave a few suggestions and they would bring up the person – see they had millions of subscribers … and then tell me they probably just have ONE viral video… and then they would find that one video and pop my bubble with a one hit wonder lol

Ok look someone my age has to be hilarious!!! There has to be one!!! At least one!!!

Then they tell me – my humor is different 🤨😄 umm yeah cause I have awesome humor lol – not stuff that doesn’t make sense.

Whatever – kids today lol 😘✌️

Then we talked about driving permits … with my oldest – I’m the one who taught him to drive… I had him try driving maybe about 13 … on a deserted backroad… with me right there – going slow… trust me I am the epitome of safety…

He remembers lol… I tell him that’s why you awesome driver now – your welcome lol 😄✌️

But he doesn’t do the greatest in cities… he never goes to the city … unless he’s with me or following me.

I brought that up to venture out more… and he says “hey mum, I stayed in San Francisco for one whole week and drove around there all week”

😄😄😄 because to him – if you can drive around San Francisco you win the driving award 🙄😄😄😄

San Francisco is gridded – do you know what I mean by that?

It means the city is set up like a grid… very easy to navigate (same with Sacramento) the only issue with San Francisco is that some areas are hilly, some roads are weird (such as Lombard St – which lays claim to the crookedest street in the world, very steep with hairpin turns) and then San Francisco is a tourist destination- so traffic traffic traffic

But this boy learned to drive here in California… baby let me take you to Boston or New York – if you can do one of those without turning ghost white lol… then ok, I’ll give you props

Boston has no rhyme or reason to any of the streets!!! And both Boston and New York have umm… very aggressive and also defensive drivers lol… so yeah California boy – he had one week in San Francisco lol 😄😄

He continues to lay that claim thinking now he is expert level 😄😄

Oh yeah… then we talking about things people eat 🤨😳

He made a comment about if some nationality puts a delicacy in front of you – sure try it 🤨😮

Umm ok I’m not doing bugs or fish or things that are alive… nope… respect the nationality but nope … I want to say even if I was starving – nope… cause I think that is still how I would answer ??

He said he has tried crickets before – some kid at school had chocolate covered crickets and all the kids tried it …omg 😝

It’s just not for me. I have a mental block on that for sure!! If that’s your thing – then awesome eat what you like… you wouldn’t like everything I eat either probably?

I do “try” odd things – if they have some kind of value.. I am speaking only about odd foods – not typical foods – but I am good on bugs and stuff

In Florida – there are restaurants that will serve alligator 😝 and I think some have snake? And of course some consider frogs legs a delicacy – omg nope

Yeah I don’t eat ANY of that!! 😝 I will pass

Anyway we had fun laughing about things tonight ❤️

I didn’t mention anything from work… there was a lot at work today.

So… I was offered a job as Funeral arranger/director… more of an increase, than what they gave me today. If I want full time and benefits with them – I have to choose that.

I said I would think it over.

This is hard – I do love certain aspects… but other aspects concern me. And if I take that… death is my career – do I want it locked down like that? And can I keep a work/home balance? Cause it’s pretty heavy?

Big decisions 😳

They would have to start grooming me for that… cause I would be all in… if I say yes.

So I have to think here. Is a lot of pressure so I am not sure.

Thinking about many many things !!! Makes me feel nervous – cause then I would completely handle peoples services 😮 on my own 😮 every single detail.

So I dunno – just many things.

Today before work… I applied for a job really quick – I had my resume… and did a really fast cover letter – just very ?? I dunno … I didn’t make it all fancy or anything … I was just down to earth and mentioned my skills and what I am good with… I did not expect an answer right away, but they messaged me RIGHT back immediately!!! 😮😳🤨

I had to go to work – I didn’t expect that!!! I couldn’t do anything- I had to go. It was just a spur of the moment thing I just jumped on

I replied back after work. But was after 5. They Monday through Friday … is for builders – I dunno … we see what happens … will the plot thicken?

So… I’m gonna do comments and try to do some quick reading but I do have to get to bed. Here comes the weekend – early early!

Gnite for now 😘✌️❤️

Boys are coming – I have to hurry… this will be quick and I be back later…

So I have a major decision to make – they gave me a small raise… and then offered me a different position 😮 do I want it – I will tell you about it later

And then… we had a service going on… so we had an attendant (woo hoo!)

We have this one attendant – that I just love so much cause he is soooo awesome!!!!

The minute he walks in the door – I am just thrilled … he is so funny and delightful – has the best ever personality!! He just makes me smile constantly – he is so funny!!

He is gay though – not a big deal but is funny in the story..

He is non-threatening to me so I can just enjoy him totally!!! ❤️

We tease – I am a teaser lol … so I give him shit and he is a teaser … he gives me shit lol

Do you remember the hearse incident? Let’s not re-hash if you don’t remember – I don’t wanna remember that

Well he was with me 🙄😄😄 and I am always calm but he was trying to get a rise outta me lol… so he was pretending was really bad lol 🤨😄 I didn’t really buy it – whatever 😄✌️ so I remained calm (I used to be with police so I know how to always remain calm)

Well I met his dad a little bit before the hearse incident… his dad is very sweet… almost identical just not gay 😄😄…

So anyway the guy comes in to be our attendant today and we chit chatting about everything is just those convos that never stop – always so much to say and joke around about

And I was explaining something and mentioned that incident lol…

To which he tells me – I was gonna give you so much shit about that and never let you live that down lol… 😄😄 but he said he went home that night and told his dad he couldn’t wait to see me again to give me shit 😄😄😄 …

And his dad said “NO!!! Don’t give her shit – she’s hot” 😄😄😄

Omg I almost died laughing … so ummm … is that a get out of shit free card? Can I use that ?? Lol – that is fricken awesome lol

So he is not allowed to give me shit now 😄😄😄 how funny is that ? 😄😄

He said “ewww I don’t wanna know my dad thinks you are hot” 😄😄😄

The next time he goes to give me shit – I shall remind him how hot I am 😄😄😄

I’m sorry – you are not allowed to give me shit remember – I am hot 😄😄😄 I am sooooo running with that!!! ❤️❤️❤️

I should play this song in the hearse with him next time lol…

www.youtube.com/watch

Yes I told you – I am a teaser 😘✌️😄

Ok I be back later 😘✌️❤️ woo hoo Friday!!! ❤️❤️❤️

You are not going to believe the things that happened to me today!! It was ALOT of things … so much went on I don’t know if I can remember every thing 😮😮

Ok so let’s see …where should I begin? There is everything in my day!!! All day long..

First of all … yesterday was my sisters birthday – I got to say happy birthday on the phone …she’s the baby. I miss her – she’s in Maine. I love her. ❤️ she kinda just doesn’t listen, but ya know that’s not a bad skill to have IF you know how to use it properly lol ✌️😘 … she is same as me little bit, I am the optimistic always one lol … and she is the pessimist- our lives were different though (same parents just different types of life… we finish each other’s sentences ❤️) I love her

Her birthday was yesterday … and so was my cousins…my dad and his brother had babies on the exact same day – 2 hours apart – Which also happened to be my grandfathers birthday. Yep – 3 people – one day

And then today is my dads birthday 🎂… fricken September – I miss my parents ❤️❤️❤️

Anyway… ok so there’s that… whatever that’s the boring stuff.

So alright then – shall we jump into the rest ??? Cause it’s all just a lot

Ok well cleaning went fine yesterday – only I worked really hard… is difficult with using left for things – I am a righty!!! I am weaker on the left 😝 I was exhausted and hurting 😝

Whatever – I was so tired last night and hurty – so I just went to bed – I melted ❤️

Today I went to see a car a friend recommended 🤨 ok that was all wrong and the answer is straight no

I don’t care, I don’t want that, and I have no desire to drive that… yeah my foot is down!! I am laying my foot down a lot 😮 is that me lesson today ??

Ok first they caught me with the fact, it was a Toyota ❤️❤️❤️ ohh yes ok show me!!!

I didn’t think of anything else 😮 and it’s like the easiest thing… I just did not think of it!!!

I heard “Toyota” and that’s probably it ✌️ … ok let me add to that… I don’t want a standard. It was a standard … sorry but no

I already hate it right off the bat… and just the answer is no. Firm! No “manual” stuff – I want automatic only!! Don’t show me anything else.

I can not even drive that and it would just be all bad – no – won’t work. I don’t want that.

So whatever … I am stalling cause this next story – I don’t really know how to tell it!!

Ok well here it is… here is how it goes down – I will tell you the good and then the bad – you ready???

I am in the store – looking normal – trying to blend in, minding my own business … doing my own thing. ✌️

The guy comes up to me and starts talking just like that 😳 so let’s see how that went…

He comes over and starts with hello beautiful and how are you?

Ok well, sometimes I like entertainment – go ahead proceed… I said hello back

He then became very very charming 😮… wait what? Yeah he was totally charming, had this thousand watt smile omg

Really cute!!

Very young – way too young …

Ok anyway let me continue… he’s being all completely charming – direct eye contact … just being normal… so far… so ok cool … a normal guy… he’s funny … too young but really sweet and very charming … if he had left it at that… hmm 🤔 … not that I would think anything – but whatever

Cool he’s charming and funny – ok I like that. He was sweet and funny! He had me laughing!!

But then he went and ruined it … he says so are you spontaneous?

🤨 uhggg where is this going? See when you go through it enough, you already know how they fuck it up.

But ok … keep going… let’s see how this turns out…

And he’s like ya know… are you shy? Or out for new experiences ? ?😮😳

Yeah no

I am not that spontaneous … it’s not that I’m shy …cause I will tell you no… and nope – don’t need any new experiences thank you lol

He tries to convince me 🤨 … it’s so hard to meet someone during corona, our convo has been amazing …

He went on and on with things … oh boy … until he said… do you wanna see it?

Umm see what?

He said well you know… you are beautiful, I also look good – we get along great 🤨 and he throws in how amazing he thinks I am 🤨 (just met the kid)

I have nice convos with many people – but I don’t want to “see it”

He just asked me if I want to check out his shit… No… No, I do not!! I gotta go bye! ✌️

Chill!! Keep your pants up!! Way too over the top!! What the hell?? Show some class.

Ok whatever … guys do that shit… so when a sincere nice one comes …you like – ok dude what do you want? 🤨 Lol

Ugh… ok I’m gonna be blunt… do you realize – if I just want sex then I can have it… hello… woman 🤨… I’m sorry if that’s blunt whatever … how it is here

I am not doing anything with anyone unless I am close and at ease with that person… that does not take just one minute!!

This is why I like to hide away… because of this stuff… chill and relax…

Are men able to control themselves? Cause I’m thinking no?!! 😮 very questionable – how sad is that

Ok well whatever – everyone is bitching about something – that is my bitch lol ✌️control yourself, have class, fricken relax!!

Is this from 2020? I am really disliking 2020 now! I’m gonna blame it for everything !!! The year of blame!!

Ok so then there was that which left me stunned!! I don’t like that. Don’t be way the hell over the top!

And just a side note… if I want you – I will tell you and initiate that – I’m not shy like that… but I gotta know you!! Don’t just go asking me if I wanna see stuff!! No no I do not!!! Creep

Anyway… and then work… let’s just not think about work right now.

What else? Oh yeah… someone else I did something for… they are kind of worse than me with the caution!!! Can you believe that?

Anyway… I also did something nice for someone today … they are a friend, of course. They said “thank you” in a very nice way. Usually they are not that way. So that was really nice – they are not usually soft or sentimental or show any feelings either way. Hard for them to take help. Kinda proud. But that was really nice.

Ok well. Yeah I kinda like hiding away! ✌️

Ok well anyway – gnite 😘✌️

So I have to rethink something…

I always try to take jobs that benefit me somehow?

The police… I love my police ❤️ I took them because I knew I would be safe, I was aiming to get out of domestic violence, and I knew no one – I knew if I took them, I would know my community. I really love my police because they were my first step out ❤️

And then the golf course… hmm I didn’t go after them – they came after me… I was approached for that one.

When I first started, I hated it!! Omg … it was overwhelming cause I got hit on constantly. Plus I was stiff… before kids I was only in office environments – I know office environments well…

But a golf course is sports entertainment, different than what I knew. And it dealt with men, alcohol and sales – none of which are my thing lol… I like men, but I am just cautious because of past so just careful. I don’t want just anyone. I don’t want anything arrogant, superficial or bad. I needed time to heal?

So I hated that job at first!! But I promised myself to give it a month, if I still hate after a month – I would see what I want to do.

I ended up loving it – and was probably my most favorite job ever, of all ❤️❤️❤️ I could say anything I wanted – and it gave me training how to handle guys lol … it allowed me to laugh and have fun every single day… I got close to my regulars, I had really amazing people there ❤️ plus everyone was always happy to see me… I always smile in general – but that job had my smile coming from the soul ❤️ seriously best job ever ❤️ so I stayed… they even were supportive through all my losses and things I went through – most amazing people ever ❤️ I fricken love golf, and I miss that job sooo much!!

Then I got breast cancer. I had to give it up through all of that… breast cancer took that all away.

I can’t go back cause now I have limitations. 😔 I have no feeling on big area of my right side and arm, plus issues with that right side – ok so time to move on

I can’t just have fun all the time 😄😄❤️ I wish though!!!

So I made it through the breast cancer and I needed something else …

During the cancer I had to “give up my life” to fight through that. I really hated that and everything was so hard to go through! By the time I finished – I was tired and kinda sad… I couldn’t go back to golf… so now what?

Well I am a mom, I love kids… I am comfortable with kids – they have an honesty to them… I am at ease with kids… so I aimed at working with kids…

My police helped me with recommendation letters to land a job at a school… I worked with kids from ages Kindergarten through 12th grade …

No one knew I had just battled breast cancer, and I didn’t get hit on… and those kids were so full of life and dreams ❤️

In a different way, those kids made me smile every single day!!! I miss my kids!!! ❤️

They were funny and just amazing!! I got close to all of them and their families! We had the best kids ever!! They trusted me and came to me with everything when they couldn’t go to anyone else ❤️

I loved being with those kids – they gave me life back after cancer ❤️❤️❤️

But I still needed something else to survive so… what else?

Well because I lost my family boom boom boom 💥… one right after the other – so I never really had time to process… so that still weighed on me… how do I fix that?

So I decided since death came at me, instead of letting it consume me with grief… I was gonna aim at it… I knew I could connect with others deeply in the sense of loss, and maybe that would also help me?

It has helped, I did connect. It allowed me to process the deaths and also see different.

For maybe 2 weeks I had a balance with kids giving me life and death letting me process.

On March 16th, 2020… I got called into the principals office and told we shutting down momentarily… I was not allowed to tell the kids or say anything because parents were not yet notified.

March 17th, 2020 was my last day… I knew I would never see them again 💔 they were a HUGE part of my life and they had no idea the life they breathed back into me ❤️ … I had to look at their faces knowing what I knew, and I couldn’t say goodbye. I miss them so much!! ❤️ I hope they are doing well – I think of them all the time!

So then I luckily still had the funeral home. That was deemed essential. I never expected death to come in my life like that 😮 but it did

I found myself alone literally – with death!! But if I had not turned to death I would not have had a job at all!

I was lucky I did that… I could still work! And I got to be by myself… I loved it, and it helped me slowly ❤️ I got to see death from another angle 📐 and be free.

So that brings me here. I think my time with death is over? It is time to move forward again… I don’t need death anymore. 😮

I’m thinking that even though I do love it for reasons… oddly – totally not a weirdo lol … I just love it because I connect there, and there is a calm and a peace.

Anyway… I do think it doesn’t match up with who I am? I do have a calm … but maybe I need life again? And there is too much going on… if my doctor knew the stress- he would have my head… and I need more hours, more money and benefits… I would like to not become a customer yet!! Lol

I only expected death to be temporary and not so engulfing of my life – the more I stay… the more it engulfs

Alright so… what do I want now? I have a couple options… I’m just trying to figure out my aim and direction.

With that blow up yesterday… it is going to rain down, and unless they gonna offer full time, more money and benefits – yeah I’m not doing that.

And that was a sign to get out now. There have been other signs also.

So yeah… let me aim again – what do I want and need? Ok lol this should be interesting 😮❤️

Gonna read comments, but I be back tonight 😘✌️