So I have to rethink something…
I always try to take jobs that benefit me somehow?
The police… I love my police ❤️ I took them because I knew I would be safe, I was aiming to get out of domestic violence, and I knew no one – I knew if I took them, I would know my community. I really love my police because they were my first step out ❤️
And then the golf course… hmm I didn’t go after them – they came after me… I was approached for that one.
When I first started, I hated it!! Omg … it was overwhelming cause I got hit on constantly. Plus I was stiff… before kids I was only in office environments – I know office environments well…
But a golf course is sports entertainment, different than what I knew. And it dealt with men, alcohol and sales – none of which are my thing lol… I like men, but I am just cautious because of past so just careful. I don’t want just anyone. I don’t want anything arrogant, superficial or bad. I needed time to heal?
So I hated that job at first!! But I promised myself to give it a month, if I still hate after a month – I would see what I want to do.
I ended up loving it – and was probably my most favorite job ever, of all ❤️❤️❤️ I could say anything I wanted – and it gave me training how to handle guys lol … it allowed me to laugh and have fun every single day… I got close to my regulars, I had really amazing people there ❤️ plus everyone was always happy to see me… I always smile in general – but that job had my smile coming from the soul ❤️ seriously best job ever ❤️ so I stayed… they even were supportive through all my losses and things I went through – most amazing people ever ❤️ I fricken love golf, and I miss that job sooo much!!
Then I got breast cancer. I had to give it up through all of that… breast cancer took that all away.
I can’t go back cause now I have limitations. 😔 I have no feeling on big area of my right side and arm, plus issues with that right side – ok so time to move on
I can’t just have fun all the time 😄😄❤️ I wish though!!!
So I made it through the breast cancer and I needed something else …
During the cancer I had to “give up my life” to fight through that. I really hated that and everything was so hard to go through! By the time I finished – I was tired and kinda sad… I couldn’t go back to golf… so now what?
Well I am a mom, I love kids… I am comfortable with kids – they have an honesty to them… I am at ease with kids… so I aimed at working with kids…
My police helped me with recommendation letters to land a job at a school… I worked with kids from ages Kindergarten through 12th grade …
No one knew I had just battled breast cancer, and I didn’t get hit on… and those kids were so full of life and dreams ❤️
In a different way, those kids made me smile every single day!!! I miss my kids!!! ❤️
They were funny and just amazing!! I got close to all of them and their families! We had the best kids ever!! They trusted me and came to me with everything when they couldn’t go to anyone else ❤️
I loved being with those kids – they gave me life back after cancer ❤️❤️❤️
But I still needed something else to survive so… what else?
Well because I lost my family boom boom boom 💥… one right after the other – so I never really had time to process… so that still weighed on me… how do I fix that?
So I decided since death came at me, instead of letting it consume me with grief… I was gonna aim at it… I knew I could connect with others deeply in the sense of loss, and maybe that would also help me?
It has helped, I did connect. It allowed me to process the deaths and also see different.
For maybe 2 weeks I had a balance with kids giving me life and death letting me process.
On March 16th, 2020… I got called into the principals office and told we shutting down momentarily… I was not allowed to tell the kids or say anything because parents were not yet notified.
March 17th, 2020 was my last day… I knew I would never see them again 💔 they were a HUGE part of my life and they had no idea the life they breathed back into me ❤️ … I had to look at their faces knowing what I knew, and I couldn’t say goodbye. I miss them so much!! ❤️ I hope they are doing well – I think of them all the time!
So then I luckily still had the funeral home. That was deemed essential. I never expected death to come in my life like that 😮 but it did
I found myself alone literally – with death!! But if I had not turned to death I would not have had a job at all!
I was lucky I did that… I could still work! And I got to be by myself… I loved it, and it helped me slowly ❤️ I got to see death from another angle 📐 and be free.
So that brings me here. I think my time with death is over? It is time to move forward again… I don’t need death anymore. 😮
I’m thinking that even though I do love it for reasons… oddly – totally not a weirdo lol … I just love it because I connect there, and there is a calm and a peace.
Anyway… I do think it doesn’t match up with who I am? I do have a calm … but maybe I need life again? And there is too much going on… if my doctor knew the stress- he would have my head… and I need more hours, more money and benefits… I would like to not become a customer yet!! Lol
I only expected death to be temporary and not so engulfing of my life – the more I stay… the more it engulfs
Alright so… what do I want now? I have a couple options… I’m just trying to figure out my aim and direction.
With that blow up yesterday… it is going to rain down, and unless they gonna offer full time, more money and benefits – yeah I’m not doing that.
And that was a sign to get out now. There have been other signs also.
So yeah… let me aim again – what do I want and need? Ok lol this should be interesting 😮❤️
Gonna read comments, but I be back tonight 😘✌️