They want to cancel… they left me vc mail… I call back and leave vc mail – I still have my appt
But they wanna cancel
Alright so … we see how this is gonna go. 🫤
Ugh omg I don’t want to do this anyway. Go ahead give me excuse. You gonna help me or not?
They say they wanna order different kind. Well you should have known that prior to ordering that for me… what is that?? A mistake?? Why you wanna change tests? Nope.
You either get it right or don’t – you have me see a doctor who supposed to know what doing… I say everything … and he order this…
So what are you doing? Is mistake ?
Yeah flashbacks so… you either get it right or no?
I’m not gonna go through that again
So what you gonna tell me? You gonna cancel the shit? Ok well I will let you know when I am next avail ✌️ peace
I am not doing that again – do they know what they are doing????????? Do not make me question – I want to feel safe so if you can’t do that – I’m out ✌️
I’ll let ya know ✌️ byeeee
I’m just waiting for excuse to put off so go ahead … do that.
I will let you know what happens!! ✌️
You can say what you want … I just can’t then
It’s not meant yet. I’ve been dealing
And anyway… I wanna umm?? I wanna do something that I will tell you about later as to not jinx lol
So.
It’s hard to find time off and all that. And it’s only gonna make me cry so…
This way I can avoid a little longer – either way I can lose my life so?
So yeah go ahead just give me the excuse – Another time then. ✌️
No one called me to cancel anything ❤️ but I still have to make it to my appt and hopefully that happens – I just don’t trust them. So I just expect cancel call… I hold my breath that they don’t.
We see
Speaking to them they are more humane than Kaiser … definitely more caring and kind
Kaiser is more of a medical conveyer belt … get ‘em in, get ‘em out and don’t care.
So they better in that aspect but we see … I do not trust.
I feel more comfort – but I just still don’t trust. We see
Ya know what…we just need to be back in the 1980’s … you would LOVE it! It was just best moments to grow up in …before the world bridged over in craziness
Very thankful to know that peace of life of that time❤️✌️
So whatever … it’s 2022, so I do not trust. We have a crazy world – of course I am not gonna trust!!
And what is there to trust in anyway? … because they don’t really do anything to fix any issue… just fight over who’s better and who doing what. Who the hell cares
They need to stop fighting, figure out how to be adult and work together, if they can’t figure it out then … whatever … no change
Why is it everyone else’s life changes so severely – yet these politicians don’t – just fight instead of changing to work together and solve the shit!!
Holy crap grow up
It’s the division of the parties and as long as it is that way, you will not see any change.
So how do you care or have faith when they can’t stop fighting for a minute to even do their jobs or figure out how to make it work – ugh 😑
Can we think logically please and adult?
Whatever – we see … but they never change so… also don’t trust that.
Remember the vet guy who helped me with hot tub? So I call him to ask about something electrical in house
And he say to me … Were your ears burning ?
I laughed and teased “you talking about me?” Lol
He going to help me with electrical
I want to ask if he can show me how to do something with my car? But I don’t know if is something I be able to do?? So we see – he probably too busy anyway.
I’m so over tired right now!! But I am not working, “mostly”, tmrw … I do have few quick work things to do in morning but I work from home for that really quick.
Ugh tomorrow is hospital Friday … ugh ok .
Ok. Well maybe it will , maybe it won’t
I need to sleep …my eyes are trying to shut… and I am fighting a very losing battle to keep them open lol
I never get to stay up even when no work next day lol omg!! Yup officially old this year
Speaking of which… I have gray hair sorta coming in at my temples 😮😮😮 is because of all the stress … that wasn’t there before!! I also do not like texture of these gray hairs 🧐 they are weird
Ok my eyes are getting very angry at me … Ok gnite 😘✌️❤️
Ok it’s not even a big deal. But yes it is. Ugh!! Force self …force self!!
The hospital called me today…while I am at work in work mode… many doctors, nurses, hospitals etc have my cell phone number because I talk to them all the time… I need them to give causes of death and sign off on the death certificates…
I deal with this hospital at work…
So when they call… it’s weird because I think is for a decedent and it’s for ME 😳😳 so it’s very weird. Kinda knocks the wind out of you for one quick minute. 😮
Anyway… she tell me the technician want to reschedule and only do breast not anything else …
I panic immediately and say “oh no, no no! Not just breast!! Entire chest… no no no” … so she put me on hold and came back and said the original technician was out to lunch…
But she asked some colleagues and they say “yes chest, but maybe reschedule for more powerful machine” 😳😳
So I say “oh no please no”
… because I don’t wanna do this in first place – please don’t make me panic like the other place… I already had bad experience so ya know – we see … I don’t trust.
Also – perhaps they should put something in my chart so they are aware what they dealing with? That is not how you make someone feel ok. they should be in chart already.
So… totally panicked on her 😳😮 I almost wanna say nevermind – I’m good thank you byeeeee 👋 …my heart raced
She make me wanna cry. I didn’t but I feel that panic to do that.
She said she would call me back and let me know
So I log online and look – first time I using online stupid thing… but is good I guess?
They did not cancel it… they better not or then I have second thoughts – don’t…. just let me do it and get done … nope not 2 days before
It is not only hard to have time off but also… this whole thing freaks me out a little. So
It is a MRI… with contrast…
So… I guess that’s put in through IV? ☹️
Ugh medical stuff 😩
Ok well whatever
Anyway… they will set up IV prior to first test … so I will do first test as is… and see …
Then they hook the IV up to the dye which will light up my lymphnodes and things
Each test or set of photos takes about an hour.
So.
Please don’t cancel. No no!! Please don’t do that.
So we see… I have to make it to Friday without them canceling … if they cancel … I will probably just cry and tell them I will call them when I know my schedule. And then that be on back burner
So I am little nervous – whatever
I just don’t wanna go back to hospital anyway so that will give me excuse 😮
Careful.
Anyway… it was FRICKEN HOT today!! Omg!! The air is like oven heat!! I don’t even wanna wear things!!
I am … mostly 😘… but I don’t wanna be, too hot omg – even still!! I think about hot tub but oh hell no!!! Not without buckets of ice or something?!
I am too old for heat and things!! Lol ugh
Ok who has perfect temps … let’s say umm… 76 to maybe 90… that would be perfect range … who has that all year long? Where on earth is that place because I want that!! Where is it?
Also… MUST have freedom lol … I won’t do well controlled … I would fight that… so MUST be free and let me live in peace… and maybe be somewhere in the middle of a nowhere ??
Is there a place like that?
Also… preferably with nothing that’s gonna kill me lol ✌️… and no fighting?
Where is this Eden – please tell me there is one somewhere?? Where is it? Who has it? What are the major issues?
If there is no freedom – forget it!
It is so hot here currently omg – you just always thirsty and can’t really move without being very uncomfortable – I am too old for this… where is paradise?
Anyway yeah… way too fricken hot!! And this is nothing … this is only little heat… we are only 100
This is just the first taste Mother Nature gonna serve omg … I’m way too old. It’s brutal heat.
You must stay aware of Heat Exhaustion and also Heat Stroke! drink tons of water and stay in shade or a/c!
Well my people tell me is Jurassic Park lol … ahhh I see. I love purple and Dr Pepper lol ❤️
Jurassic park is good movie 🍿… cause COULD actually be believable with modern science as it advances – do not do this!!
The nurse called back about 6:30pm and said she would call me tmrw once they see 😞
Something about wanting a radiologist there, whatever … please just do it. Do not give me reason to hesitate omg no
Ok so we see
Watch… they will probably cancel… the person she needs to speak to left early today. So who wants to work late on a Friday? But then they shouldn’t have offered that one then… it was soonest possible appt
I just don’t want this right from start
We see
Little exhausted so we see – maybe is not good time
We see – I probably should have never said anything
Anyway… I do have something funny to share though … I am very sorry that this strikes me as funny but it does …
There is this person… they wear a hearing aide … ok well whatever … but they somehow have it blue-toothed to their cell phone … and to answer a phone call … they hit themselves in the ear twice lol
I am sorry but it is a very funny thing to see … fricken technology
I just have so much to say… and so many thoughts about so many things … I start to write a post and then get pulled away, when I come back – I don’t want to say anymore.
Usually I just write and post immediately or that happens.
Just many things on my mind… Friday is coming and I kinda don’t want it to?? I just don’t wanna do hospitals again… I really really don’t 😩 … it be ok… but I just don’t want to – is very hard to force self
So I know that is approaching.
It’s end of school year so… I got all that going on currently!! 😳 whoa … middle of the year already 😮
So far we are making it through 2022… sorta
I put news on this morning and it was about baby formula and monkey pox?! Seriously … a new virus thing?
So my people think this is a “plan” … they think is way to control … hit with viruses … weaken economy – we be at mercy?
🙄
When they speak you think “oh that could be believable?” It makes total sense as they explain lol
But they always thinking something up ? None of us trust lol … ahhh my people lol
I do not know… I am tired of any virus so whatever. Let the chips fall where they may. I am exhausted from caring about so much stuff! So eh whatever – I am checked out… do not make me get more vaccines – I do believe I am good? I will take the risk. Whatever
Every year they push push push the flu shot… I never ever get it… never… I am alive and don’t have flu issues so … I do not want the flu shot, so I never get it – oh well whatever
With Covid… ok fine I will vaccinate because they make be so insane! They got the whole world to comply
They so dramatic and handle Covid completely wrong as they do everything… now they pushing even more for vaccines
And then who the hell caught monkey flu? really?? Wth?? Are you serious? Well then I am done.
Whatever – I had chicken pox when I was little… I know I have to watch out for shingles … and then who the hell knows what this monkey thing is.
Are we their monkeys? Cause so much push for vaccines …everywhere always for everything.
So I’m just little tired of all the drama and bs from the world. Whatever – go ahead and do your vaccines or whatever. I’m good
I miss the middle of no where alot. I miss that peace away from society!! So much!!! It’s just way too much heavy drama constantly and all the time
I like to get away from that if possible.
Well anyway… my people think is some “grand plan”
Would you put that past leadership? Or governments? Think honestly? Does anything shock you at this point – so anyway my people do not trust stuff either lol
See how I fit in there? Lol ✌️ (plus they just hilarious ❤️)
So there was this contractor I was dealing with… I don’t notice anything, because I don’t look for anything … but … I guess while I am with him and talking to him and going over things ?? He just smiles at me? Well I didn’t really notice at first?
But then all of them do… and then any time this man comes to deal with me – he just smiles and never takes his eyes off me – and he doesn’t wanna deal with anyone else … only me lol 🤷♀️
I was at another location and he want to swing by… I say “oh I am not there but I can have you speak to someone else” and he say, oh no that’s ok, I will wait for you 😳
Now they tease me about it… little – not in bad way… just saying “he likes you” 🙄 while they smile really huge because they think it is funny – it’s just not the first time. Is almost all the time!!
I dunno.
And then today one say… what is your type?
Well I dunno ? I do not have a type? I just wanna enjoy life and things? It’s just really gonna be how someone is with me? Towards me. So we see … not really a type?
Oh well wait… yes I have type… any type that is NOT satan or Asshole so ya know that shallows the pool a bit lol ✌️😘😄
But ya know… I just want peace ✌️… I want my final years to just be amazing – so I either do that myself or find someone who would fit right? I don’t need someone for that so if happens great, if not oh well .. I don’t look
I focus on work. Because it builds my life…
Country boy always stays in my life no matter how much I wanna push him away…
I dunno … I wanna push him away because I do not trust him… but I also think we do not understand each other? We from 2 different worlds … completely!
We not on same page because we can’t understand each other
Yet he still tries to stay in my life. And this weekend he ask me about the test because he thought I have it already … no it’s THIS week…
And then we text and he is all sweet and flirty
So that’s what I don’t get … he want to keep me in his life… but then we don’t have time for each other and I do not trust he be ok with what I want.
I watch him with his kids – one is severely disabled … he’s really good with him – caring and loving
But ya know, is exhausting and very hard to watch someone you love suffer.
But I dunno. I am comfortable with country boy and he always takes my mind away when too overwhelmed … he’s very thoughtful and has compassion for others
But we just so different and do not understand each other. He can do him … and I do me.
I can be friends and things but bothers me little but when he try to be like he want more… but he doesn’t so what is purpose? I don’t understand
He doesn’t need more friends and he has no problem with women… so what is purpose? Why keep me in mind?
I am most comfortable with him because he is gentle with me – he’s very gentlemanly and kind. He’s funny and when I lost my dad/family… and also when I had cancer … he was there ready to take me places to take my mind off things, he also did very kind things to help me get over things that mad me sad or afraid.
So ya know, he has humanity… and integrity. He’s a good man.
I most comfortable with him, because I am at ease around him. I can just “be”.
So I guess I am ok with him in my life but I definitely want what I want if a man gonna come in my life. So. Whatever
But my people say we probably be amazing together but we both cautious and not understanding each other … maybe? But whatever who knows.
I’m a little quiet with so many things and I’m in deep thought with something work related.
I have some very deep things I kinda thinking of lately … so I guess that makes me kinda quiet?
I know Friday is coming – I don’t get to have our normal Friday because of the tests. We have to do our Friday on Saturday. Which is fine. But you know… I love Friday ❤️ … just not this Friday!
I don’t know how I really feel about this Friday – the closer it gets – the more I wanna run away .
It will be better – it will be fine … it’s a different hospital. So we see
I won’t run away – but I wish I could run to the middle of no where!!
Sometimes I cry because of people… I am sensitive in areas.
When I am at work, there have been times when something comes close to my own world, and then those can give you that heartbreak 💔 You are touched by someone else’s loss because you yourself, can feel that.
But then also … that has the bonus that you can relate so you know exactly how they feeling so you know what to say, and how to be. And you can tell when someone umm cares? Or they feel you.
The first phone call I took today made me want to cry. 😮😳 … someone was dying of cancer and wanted to make the arrangements prior to death 😳 … see how you not see signs in life?
But if you gonna get someone who can help you, find someone compassionate or who can relate. You could hear the tremble in their voice 💔 awww
So I related to them, and instantly that seriously put them at easy because then my voice trembled
Sometimes you find peace when or where you don’t think you find that?
Anyway… my point is… if anything is wrong – this is not going to be a good job for “me” mentally. I love my people so dearly … but that might be a really hard mix?? That’s pretty heavy and I can’t be crying right next to people 😮 I can’t have the heartbreak while experiencing my own? 😮 that would not balance 😳😳
So … I dunno… sometimes I think I see signs? – I just don’t trust life and I’m not good with deciphering anything – I need it clear and precise so… that can be an issue lol ✌️… that is why life gives up and then just pushes me 😄✌️
But yeah, kinda double jeopardy 😳 I don’t think I will handle very well from personal and work side – my worlds collide like that 😮
And then of course I am sensitive here with this. Just because … so ya know…
So my boss was at my location and I had already mentioned everything because I will take time off and I am transparent with my shit when comes to work.
I joked with a LOOONG list of strict directions and rules I want. I joked, but yes I want that lol 😘✌️ I will laminate those instructions if needed lol
Also… I do want a little bit of everything – I see a lot of funerals, from all walks of life…. so I like little parts of each one… so I would like to mesh them all together in tiny pieces ❤️ with a playlist of course … as well as … strict instructions for how to handle my body lol … not kidding.
We work at funeral home and this our world – we speak of things
I want just little pieces of all the things I see that impressed me. Little piece of this, little piece of that lol … and I said … I do not want just anyone handling me. I want to say who handles me. My boss is one of the people I would want, as well as one other.
I asked if that would be bad or is that too personal? Because know me? Would that be hard?
And my boss said not only will we fulfill all your wishes, we do it for free for you, no question!
So I don’t know if was joking because even though heavy material – the convo was light not dark, we laughing as I strictly tell them how I want to be handled … but was said with such um? Absolute ?
So ya know… little things like that… probably did mean that… and then ya know – to say that without any hesitation – it just makes me adore them more – have to be careful though because those are boarderline things that will make me cry.
It would already be next to free for me anyway because I am employee… if I die… I already get 75% discount – if you have planned a funeral recently – you know that it is expensive!
Cremation is cheaper … but I do not want that. I do not want to be burned – I do not want that.
When I was a child I would have these horrible nightmares about dying in a fire … so no… nope.
Also … not that I follow catholic… I am hmm?? I am catholic.. I will always be catholic. Is what I know.
I am not practicing catholic… meaning I do not go to church… I do not need to go somewhere to pray, I do not need to be with others to pray – I am more private and church just not for me… I pray and keep some beliefs… but ya know… I just do not want church.
Where you pray does not matter – you do not always have the luxury to have things… and you do not need much to just pray. So.
I have my rosary – it’s green and white 💚🤍💚
It was my great grandmothers … so I just love it. I think I would like that with me?
When I die – I want my last rites … I want a catholic priest… only a catholic priest. I don’t care whatever else anyone else believes in – I just simply want that. … I came in like that, I want to leave like that, I just feel safer with that.
I already know which father I want if he is still alive when I die… lol ✌️…he is pretty old now and I do not plan to die any time soon – unless life says otherwise – but I don’t plan on it yet. But I wish he live forever so I can have him. I really only want that particular one.
He is Irish ☘️… thick brawl 💚 sweetest most beautiful heart – very kind man… funny with a sense of humor lol … very low key and gentle. 😊 you only hear about the bad ones … but you never hear about the amazing ones ❤️ … as with anything.
I want a burial 🪦… they have some really incredible and beautiful caskets ⚰️ … I don’t want anything weird… just something classic and nice … I would like a nice pillow though and padding to be on… because is my final rest… since I not have a lot of rest in life – I would like my body to have that in death
I want a headstone 🪦 … I do not want a grassy marker – NO!… I do NOT want just a marker – I do NOT like those. I want full on headstone … or better yet a crypt or mausoleum – but ya know … I go easy with pushing it lol ✌️😘 … but I still mention lol ✌️😘
But yes I would like a final resting spot … that someone could come and leave flowers 💐… whether they do or not whatever … and then ya know over time you are forgotten. Like when you write your name in the sand at the beach 🏖 and the wave comes and washes it away.
But still … I would like my name – First… I want my first name put as “Trisha”… I do not want the PA!!! Do not put that on there – I will be very mad and come back to haunt!!! Do not tempt!
I want my middle name too… and maiden ONLY!!! ONLY ONLY ONLY!! Do not put anyone else’s name upon mine … I want what I was born with.
I want my whole entire birthday written out, carved in stone … and then of course the date of death … also written out.
Some people put their actual photo on their headstone 😮 so you can actually look upon a face that is no longer with us. It’s kinda eerie? There is a eerie ness? Very interesting though – I love to look at photos and see
I’m not really into photos of self. I have some but ya know… I like taking pictures more… not selfies or whatever else. I like a little privacy with things sometimes ?? But then I also love to look back in time myself… so I am not sure? For myself as the dead person – I do not know if I like my actual photo on it lol… but as a person looking back in time – I love to see the faces and the styles and the people. It’s fascinating!!
So maybe a photo? – If yes… I will choose the photo I want used in my memory. … but again I am not sure if I really like that idea myself.
I definitely want to find something to say. I want to have my final quote also listed.
I do not know what I would like to say yet lol
Which way should I take that? Lol … for my final words lol
I have not decided on that yet / but I definitely want words lol … so not sure what words I will choose to use yet… pretty important since they be my final words ever. So it will probably have to have meaning. Not sarcasm lol ✌️ maybe something with little humor edge? We see
I should just put “We see” lol
But that’s a tough decision.
See … this is also a reason with my worlds colliding … this is what I see everyday… so I think about what I want. All day long this is my world
The good thing with that is – it does not scare me to speak of or plan. It’s a good thing – yes you will be dead but still … you should care what you want? Is last thing you ever wish or plan.
Funny how we think of death huh?
My other question is if I want embalming or not. That is a hard thing to bring up – it gives me weird feeling. I kinda shiver – I don’t like thinking about it. That is NOT my zone!
Do I want to be embalmed or preserved? Hmm ?
Well … when I was really really little … I just thought I shoulda been Egyptian lol … I liked the whole death outlook and traditions … and I just always thought they so fascinating and so beautiful … such a beautiful culture – I always loved documentaries – from the moment I was born … but it was Egypt that always made me wanna be an archeologist … not that I did that – but if you asked me when I was little – that’s what I said I wanted to do. lol
They knew the stars, and earths minerals and healing properties of things … some ancient civilizations around the world were extremely advanced
Egypt always had such a stunning way to preserve its people … and it’s just totally fascinating and technically they got their wish/belief… they came back to life again so we may all see them again. They just weren’t totally sure how they were to come back to life – but they preserve that so we could see now.
They had such thought, care and meaning behind all that preparation for someone’s death 😮 wow.
And… how intricate they were and the things they wished to be with or have placed with them upon death. All so very fascinating … I wish for one moment you could peek back in time… just to see for yourself
So do I want to be preserved? Hmm?
If I don’t do that then I just worry about bugs and stuff lol… 😳😳😳
Yeah I do not like to speak of that. Nope I do not like to talk about that particular death subject.
Just because I know what they do.
It makes me squeamish lol … I feel squeamish when I think of embalming … I do not like to think of.
If I am giving information about it, I am ok… but when is regarding self?? I do not know.
That one is hard for me. But I think yes, I think I would like that?
We have some new thing that I do not like -alkaline hydrolysis
I do not like some of these new things
Plus I just figure I am more of a traditional person so I think I want very low key traditional.
Just a small quite wake…. Softly play my playlist and favorite pictures ❤️
Satan is NOT allowed!! 🚫 do not let him anywhere near me even in death – I would like peace not hell, he already took me to hell before, so please … no satan – keep him away. I do not want him there or anywhere around.
And small immediate family and friends service ? just low key.
So yeah… I’m thinking maybe working for death and running from it would be too much ??
Well anyway I have to go to sleep… tmrw I read … I can either post or read but is hard to do both. Unless something mega goes down – I plan to only read. I need the mental break from death!!
Yeah … probably not good for me to be surrounded by death? We see. But this is already my world, it can’t be my entire world. I think that might be too much. I keep my personal separate… to have them possibly collide together makes me see it entirely different 😳😳
Ok enough … good night 🌙😴😘
It does matter – but there is still an end. Either way.
Perhaps all those times I say “should I leave death?” … but I stay? Hmm… am I supposed to get away?
I felt like it had healed me little and also let me stand up and survive during Covid… and I do love my job, and my team ❤️ (mostly lol… sometimes there is issues – just like a family lol 🙄) …but I love them. Absolutely know how lucky and privileged I am to work with them ❤️🙌 best people ever mostly lol 😘✌️
They my peeps ❤️
But I sit here this morning, and this will not go well… if they do find things – I can’t stay with death omg 😳
Also… just in case – I will have strict instructions for these people!!!
But yeah, I can’t be fighting something and also engulfed deeply in it 😳😳 this is death we talking about lol
Omg 😳 it’s just because I’m thinking of things – a lot of thoughts
Ok have to work, I “would say”.. will take my mind off of my stuff … but nope, it won’t take my mind off 😳😳 it makes it worse, because of business it is and what I see
So … yesterday… ok well … I got there and I remembered them from my very first lumps 😮 but the place is like it’s own city 😮 … very beautiful… shady with trees and park like – very calm
🧘♂️
And my appt was early, so I did not have the stress of stupid traffic …and I also had no “finding a parking space” issues either 🙌 … was too early for me to be worrying lol so… worked well there
Is just always best to do early!! Get it done.
So they have me park in a space and a nurse comes out and get me from my car ??
So that was different.
But whatever … so I go with her… she was a sweetheart … very caring and polite
She kept saying how strong I am… ya know… I am not really sure how I feel when people say that?? I know they mean well, is meant to be supportive, uplifting and positive – I know that is how they mean…
I just don’t know how I feel about it when people say that… I am not always strong and I only trying to survive. So I know is meant really good – but sometimes makes me think what already went through and I tear up or cry. I do not want more – I want to be left alone and not have to be strong
But yeah – sorta strong – with coping skills ✌️
So ya know … just the way it hits me to hear that? But I do take it in the way they mean ❤️ appreciate.
She was very sweet – very gentle, and kind – slow movements – very good… listened to me too so – I like her… she was just my nurse in that moment – she is in that department – I going to another 😩
The dr came in… he was not what I expected in my mind lol … totally not
So I was expecting either a woman… or most likely older man?? And he comes in and he is young. Yeah very young. But ok we see
He seemed caring and when I tell him – I silent sometimes and I worry for that…
He say “Oh no no! Please don’t do that – we will help you” …so we see …
I specifically wore easy bra to remove – plus I can shimmy out of a bra very magically lol ✨ even while still wearing my shirt lol – it’s a skill
But I also wore a button down shirt on purpose… cause is better than a gown – I know the drill. They have to see.
I am not shy with it. It is what is. And I have had to take my top off for these doctor people soooo much that now is not really a thing I have any issues with … whatever it’s fine.
I don’t really care.
He had the female nurse come back in with us while he examined and felt (ugh)
He hit a few areas I feel pain and pressure and it kinda radiates up my back right shoulder blade and up my neck 😳
But that is the area that I had my drainage? So maybe related to that?
He said he felt “something”
🙄 they always say that… I feel “something” … and of course you can not just tell by feel
I also know this drill…
Oh well I feel something…
And then they do an X-ray or some photo thing… oh think see something … but can’t tell
Then comes the poking with needles or cutting to take sample.
I wish you could just do laser thing, blink your eyes and just fix it lol …
I wish it was as easy as grocery shopping
So anyway… he order that MRI…
They ask me thousands of questions …
Am I taking any fertility medication or trying to be pregnant? Lol … umm nope absolutely not!! Lol … do they see my age? I know women have children later – but I have 3… and nope I am good
When do they stop asking you that??! It just always catches me off guard ? What? Lol no!!! Not that I don’t LOVE being mom – but no!
They also asked me if I had any metal in my body? Ummm ??? Lol
Well I have no idea?? They do so many surgeries and I used to have metal markers inside my chest so they could pin point the area of the cancer
They probably remove those when removed everything else – but who knows
I do have old school fillings 😳😳
I am not and do not wish to be pregnant at this time and as far as I know – I do not contain very much metal lol … someone told me it gonna feel like fillings being pulled 😳😳 what? 😳
I’m my mind… I imagine laying on this medical machine, and the machine slowly go around me? Nice and chill so I can just sleep for the 2 hours the test will take?
They are doing the tests with contrast… so that means for one whole hour they gonna be taking these X-ray type photos of my chest… then I get some type of dye… and do the entire set of photos all over again 🤨
I have to fast… probably not have anything to drink because that would suck lol
I am not allowed to bring anyone with me – so solves that issue … not that I had a issue with it – but solves it all around 🙌 oh sorry I am not allowed to bring anyone – it’s the rules lol
Under the cover of darkness lol ✌️😄 🙌
My appointment on FRIDAY May 27th, is late on but was first available appointment. I have to be there at 6:30pm – they will have me in this machine at 7pm… and won’t be done with me until 9:30/10PM … yes I did say PM!!
I would have preferred earlier but whatever – was soonest appointment
They ask me questions also like “am I claustrophobic?” 😳 odd but nah? I do not think so? Not with rooms or machines – too many people yes.
How tight is this machine? They asked me my height and weight too.
I can’t wear any jewelry… which during surgeries I had one ring that I could never remove. I wear 3 rings always … one is Irish Claddagh ring, another is one with all my kids birthstones and their names, and the other is just a simple one with a ruby – my birthstone
But the children’s ring had been there forever – I never take them off usually. During surgeries they would tape my finger because something about the machines they use?
But I got it off this time – I spent most of day yesterday trying to do that with different techniques lol – I got it off … I have a circulation ring around that finger lol – has ring indention lol
But it is off
I put my Irish ring back on… I will take off before this happens
Also I can not bring purse only my ID and insurance card… not even a cell phone 😳😮
I will leave that in car maybe – if not too crazy hot – we see
So. Tests again. Hospitals again 😩😩 ughhh
So the good parts of this are that I went … and I gonna do the test… piece of mind. And also that I felt ok. They were caring and compassionate – so I can handle that
I did cry in parts, but just softly. I tear up a lot when you start laying a lot of medical things on me.
The bad part is I have to go through all this, and then I have prior experience that was not good so is kinda like when you have abused animal?
Certain movements or reactions will remind or put the animal on guard…. You have to be gentle, and let come to you – move slowly, speak softly and show the animal compassion.
Is sorta same?
Anyway.
Still don’t know anything so is fine… it kinda kills me a little to come back to civilization and have hospitals jump back into my life 😢❤️
Totally love being alive – so appreciate the good doctors and nurses.
It just makes me wanna run back to middle of no where
I won’t … but I so safe there and was so beautiful and such respite … and then I come back and so do hospitals … so that is a sucky thing.
I want to make it just chill … but I have zero control with certain things they say or do. It’s that lump in your throat that if someone says something or.something is a reminder… it just makes me cry.
It’s just a reaction that I can not control at all. My body just cries.
I really only like laughter and enjoying life. I don’t really like any of this other stuff
Well whatever
So partly good so far… night and day difference from Kaiser 😮😮 wow Omg so different in every way! So I was calm
I still cry. But I calm
I do not know how to do these medical things without the crying happening 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
But they did good yesterday – they kept it calm ❤️
So now just wait til test.
And that’s how it went. It’s a little draining:
I self cared and we went shopping after I pick up daughter – I got new sneakers 👟 … they are pink ❤️ they have high arch support – I have high arches 🙌 … they look really adorable and they do not have any laces or bothersome things – slip on slip off comfort lol 🙌… and they are pink 💗 … not black lol
The store had swimsuits too and I really really really want a new one. They are crappy suits this year!! So I will keep looking.
But I love the pink shoes and that take my focus away ❤️✌️
I’m just really tired of life making me go through things … that is not cool … I don’t mind a little here and there because that is life – but cmon
But not really because I am kinda tired of life’s things – so we see?
Ps… I really hate cry things because you can totally tell I cry!! My face gets all swollen – I am allergic to crying lol … I do not like it.
See way easier to just avoid all this. – I’m just saying … is little heavy… but then is also life so I still want that. Otherwise I would stay avoiding … but I would rather live. I think… for now.
Yes – I cry, but not too bad – I had very caring and kind nurse and dr was also compassionate so was good.
He a young doctor… did not look like a doctor at all lol – was young and also hot 😳 I just expected older and not hot lol – maybe even a woman but nope – I got young and hot
But was fine – very professional with really good demeanor and care.
I tell him my things … and he check. He feel “something” but we don’t know yet?
I am scheduled for MRI on May 27th – was earliest appt
We are going to start there – he was not a cancer doctor but said maybe CT scan after we see
Ok so tomorrow morning at 9am I am seeing a doctor. We see
So tmrw I will see a Sutter doctor.
9am PST … tmrw morning 😳 I like to be early – plus does not give me time to freak out before going – so I book appt so I have to go to right after dropping daughter off at school.
I have things written down, so that will help ❤️ thank you all very muchfor the suggestions and support ❤️
I am nervous – I really don’t trust doctors .. but before and all through the cancer – I went through Kaiser – it was awful – they messed up. Which isn’t unusual for them with many things
So at work I could choose what I wanted and I purposely avoided Kaiser for that reason. I went with Blue Cross Blue Shield and I can pick whoever I want
I did sorta cry on phone but held it together… I didn’t have to give too much detail and they not seeing me yet… tmrw 9am they will – they were kind
Just be emotional. It will be ok – I will go.
They just have to be careful – they seemed really nice on the phone. Way more caring than Kaiser ever was!!
So I will just take it as it comes. It’s out of my hands
So … one thing I kinda worry about besides all this … is my silence … so I like my silence because it gave me peace and kinda protects me? I have peace in silence. But I also know how dangerous it is.
Jut the overwhelming heart break emotion with things causes me to want to go silent severely
Like the crying – how is not something I can control … is the same with the silence – which is why I say that’s when I broke.
All that pressure of everything right down to surgeries … that final one just did me in. And then I went severely silent
I am going by myself again. I could call my oldest and see if he come with me – but then I don’t want him to see me cry. And I don’t want to look sick and weak to them again and I don’t want them to worry… so… probably not good idea at this moment – I wait
Ok – what is a good way to NOT go silent? How do I not let that happen?
I have to reprogram NOT to do that. That is my coping mechanism. Has been for awhile.
You can’t do anything about it – it has to be me.
I would only answer people if I knew they would send the police to check on me. Or I also answered for my police because I didn’t want them just coming either lol
When I dropped off the face of the earth – I left social media and being social – I just shut down and went away. As soon as they let me out of the hospital – I couldn’t get away fast enough
And then my ex was not letting up … so that plunged me even deeper in silence
But I had peace and respite from the world that was nice – it is very peaceful when you don’t have the world around.
If it comes close to any of the previous trauma – I worry with silence
Is very hard for me not to because the urge to protect comes in, so I don’t know?
I sorta feel already – I am silent at moment from people – except for the friend who is helping me. He is only a friend but one I trust and went through similar things like me – just a different cancer
I don’t think I go severely quiet from here… but maybe for a minute ?? I might need to just get a grip ? I don’t know
This is place I can come to speak, so that helps.
I just have to stay aware of it and NOT let it happen, it sounds very easy – but it is not.
I stay quiet today because I am absorbing what I am doing
Plus I cried most of morning and exhausted myself anyway – I just don’t wanna do it again – I don’t want to remember anything – so that’s gonna be hard – it will all flood back the minute I step into office
Ok so is not the same moments… totally different moments …
For now – I gonna sleep – I am tired from crying earlier … and it’s ok I cry btw… am sensitive here so it’s just gonna happen.
I just say what thinking about or say what makes me cry … and yes it does. But again I am sensitive with this. But it’s fine – to cry is release, so is ok I cry here.
This area just takes me down little – but just let it. The only thing I need to really watch myself with is that silence… the crying is just circumstance and moment… I am sensitive with it… but the silence is dangerous – the crying is not.
Anyway just saying – it is ok to be sad or cry sometimes – is human
I don’t care much that I cry here – cause it’s just a thing with this… can not control it – plus you can’t see me so it doesn’t bother me like this
The silence is the one I have to watch and care about – not the crying
Ok I need to sleep before this happens.
I be back tmrw after the appt – I might need a moment – but I promise I come back tmrw.. even just for quick words … if I can’t speak.
Ok… so life pushes … I told someone. 😳 first time I speak with something … first time I come out to say something…
I’m not really sure if that was a good thing to do and now I am scared – little bit – also know I have to.
I also do not know that I can handle what I am about to step into. I think that is what I am most afraid of? I know I have to. But can I ?? Is like not even a question if I can, I just have to.
But I worry will blow into this big thing… on many things … he said best to know what up against and I do believe that.
So he try to talk me down from the fear? He speak gentle to me, he tell me these stories to stick in my mind for when I need strength?
He always says words that are positive – and I know not to put negative into universe – I know.
He is only a close friend I trust. And someone I know is completely understanding and also knows the same perspective or fear – in one certain area
I am having some breast issues … so it started little – just my scars hurting … I’m not supposed to have any nerves there but I get jolts of electric pain on the scars alot- more and more frequently …
I have this pain in the area I had the biggest lump. So that makes me nervous – it adds chest pressure when I breathe – I am always holding my breast so it not hurt…
And while I sick- it hurts a lot
He tell me things happen for reason – we slow (they are slow – not me ever!) and your body does tell you things and you supposed to listen.
But I am very overwhelmed to do Friday – I will do… I will try and see if I be ok… can’t hurt to try and is important. Whew… that makes me wanna take a deep breath, but then there is that pain and pressure I feel if I do that.
Because my friend knows this medical side of life, he can relate and he knows how it can overwhelm
Or so he says … I know he has had way worse than me all his life… and here I sit just overwhelmed, paralyzed and can’t speak … and he speak so confidentially and fearlessly … fearlessly in facing things
I asked him if he ever cries? Or be overwhelmed by things? He say “ oh yes” … but yet he can speak clearly with it… not cry just speaks clearly
I can not.
Even telling him was hard… he knows I was having problems with the scars … but I cry … I cry to speak ..: and then I need moments … and there is a lot. … and then once it starts everything gonna happen – it’s gonna snowball
So I will try on Friday … I promised so I will … but I try to imagine to go and what I say? Too much emotion and I will not be able to speak clearly. Plus I’m gonna be crying which I don’t like anyway. So I don’t know how this gonna go. And then that’s gonna just open all the cans of worms 🪱
Yeah all that makes me want deep breath for relief, but then I feel that pain which makes me feel panic
If I take my breasts and I feel around… I do not feel lumps … but there is this breast implant there so I dunno 🤷♀️ and while I feel the pressure and also the scars – I do not feel anything like a lump – only by inside pain not by me feeling anything
So… I do not know if I can speak well – but we will see. I will try… I am sorry to the people who will have to understand cry talk lol ✌️ I will try very hard but ya know – I do not think that be ok… I think I can.. but then I know how it hits me. So let’s just be realistic with how I gonna be?
I already know people try to convince me it be fine – and I know the earlier you catch the better – I know…
But there a lot I have to say. I don’t know that I can say without crying? I try … I will start to speak it out loud by myself and then I just get overwhelmed and cry and then I go really fast while crying. I go fast to get out as much as I can before you can’t understand me anymore… and then I am overwhelmed and trying to take deep breath and then have the pain- and usually give myself a headache
I went in hot tub earlier to see if would help take pain away… it does… sorta – it takes off the pain edge after you soak in hot water for awhile … but that only lasts so long and then it’s back
I feel it in general? Or something not right? I feel it the most at night when I lay down or just when taking deep breath.
I don’t want bad news. So… Friday – I will do it… but gonna be emotional and I gonna talk fast and cry … I do not know how to do without doing that. I can not control – it just comes on due to the emotion behind it… and I know will be a lot of things
So I dunno – we see. I spoke so someone knows
He sorta knows everything… I can speak to him sorta (medically I cry) … but he gives me time to cry and then take a minute and speak – if you let me do that then I can do slowly – but will be a process.
He knows about my silence too. He knows things but not in in-depth detail. Just generally he know my story. My things … little by little he knows more
So… I do have a comfort from him just because he can understand me here with this.
I had to say something because it was getting worse and worse and then that makes me scared
I’ve been not feeling well either so just makes me worry more cause I feel the pain more
I want to say whatever it be fine, but I do not feel confident to say that
Learning Life 