How life is…

So … yesterday… ok well … I got there and I remembered them from my very first lumps 😮 but the place is like it’s own city 😮 … very beautiful… shady with trees and park like – very calm

🧘‍♂️

And my appt was early, so I did not have the stress of stupid traffic …and I also had no “finding a parking space” issues either 🙌 … was too early for me to be worrying lol so… worked well there

Is just always best to do early!! Get it done.

So they have me park in a space and a nurse comes out and get me from my car ??

So that was different.

But whatever … so I go with her… she was a sweetheart … very caring and polite

She kept saying how strong I am… ya know… I am not really sure how I feel when people say that?? I know they mean well, is meant to be supportive, uplifting and positive – I know that is how they mean…

I just don’t know how I feel about it when people say that… I am not always strong and I only trying to survive. So I know is meant really good – but sometimes makes me think what already went through and I tear up or cry. I do not want more – I want to be left alone and not have to be strong

But yeah – sorta strong – with coping skills ✌️

So ya know … just the way it hits me to hear that? But I do take it in the way they mean ❤️ appreciate.

She was very sweet – very gentle, and kind – slow movements – very good… listened to me too so – I like her… she was just my nurse in that moment – she is in that department – I going to another 😩

The dr came in… he was not what I expected in my mind lol … totally not

So I was expecting either a woman… or most likely older man?? And he comes in and he is young. Yeah very young. But ok we see

He seemed caring and when I tell him – I silent sometimes and I worry for that…

He say “Oh no no! Please don’t do that – we will help you” …so we see …

I specifically wore easy bra to remove – plus I can shimmy out of a bra very magically lol ✨ even while still wearing my shirt lol – it’s a skill

But I also wore a button down shirt on purpose… cause is better than a gown – I know the drill. They have to see.

I am not shy with it. It is what is. And I have had to take my top off for these doctor people soooo much that now is not really a thing I have any issues with … whatever it’s fine.

I don’t really care.

He had the female nurse come back in with us while he examined and felt (ugh)

He hit a few areas I feel pain and pressure and it kinda radiates up my back right shoulder blade and up my neck 😳

But that is the area that I had my drainage? So maybe related to that?

He said he felt “something”

🙄 they always say that… I feel “something” … and of course you can not just tell by feel

I also know this drill…

Oh well I feel something…

And then they do an X-ray or some photo thing… oh think see something … but can’t tell

Then comes the poking with needles or cutting to take sample.

I wish you could just do laser thing, blink your eyes and just fix it lol …

I wish it was as easy as grocery shopping

So anyway… he order that MRI…

They ask me thousands of questions …

Am I taking any fertility medication or trying to be pregnant? Lol … umm nope absolutely not!! Lol … do they see my age? I know women have children later – but I have 3… and nope I am good

When do they stop asking you that??! It just always catches me off guard ? What? Lol no!!! Not that I don’t LOVE being mom – but no!

They also asked me if I had any metal in my body? Ummm ??? Lol

Well I have no idea?? They do so many surgeries and I used to have metal markers inside my chest so they could pin point the area of the cancer

They probably remove those when removed everything else – but who knows

I do have old school fillings 😳😳

I am not and do not wish to be pregnant at this time and as far as I know – I do not contain very much metal lol … someone told me it gonna feel like fillings being pulled 😳😳 what? 😳

I’m my mind… I imagine laying on this medical machine, and the machine slowly go around me? Nice and chill so I can just sleep for the 2 hours the test will take?

They are doing the tests with contrast… so that means for one whole hour they gonna be taking these X-ray type photos of my chest… then I get some type of dye… and do the entire set of photos all over again 🤨

I have to fast… probably not have anything to drink because that would suck lol

I am not allowed to bring anyone with me – so solves that issue … not that I had a issue with it – but solves it all around 🙌 oh sorry I am not allowed to bring anyone – it’s the rules lol

Under the cover of darkness lol ✌️😄 🙌

My appointment on FRIDAY May 27th, is late on but was first available appointment. I have to be there at 6:30pm – they will have me in this machine at 7pm… and won’t be done with me until 9:30/10PM … yes I did say PM!!

I would have preferred earlier but whatever – was soonest appointment

They ask me questions also like “am I claustrophobic?” 😳 odd but nah? I do not think so? Not with rooms or machines – too many people yes.

How tight is this machine? They asked me my height and weight too.

I can’t wear any jewelry… which during surgeries I had one ring that I could never remove. I wear 3 rings always … one is Irish Claddagh ring, another is one with all my kids birthstones and their names, and the other is just a simple one with a ruby – my birthstone

But the children’s ring had been there forever – I never take them off usually. During surgeries they would tape my finger because something about the machines they use?

But I got it off this time – I spent most of day yesterday trying to do that with different techniques lol – I got it off … I have a circulation ring around that finger lol – has ring indention lol

But it is off

I put my Irish ring back on… I will take off before this happens

Also I can not bring purse only my ID and insurance card… not even a cell phone 😳😮

I will leave that in car maybe – if not too crazy hot – we see

So. Tests again. Hospitals again 😩😩 ughhh

So the good parts of this are that I went … and I gonna do the test… piece of mind. And also that I felt ok. They were caring and compassionate – so I can handle that

I did cry in parts, but just softly. I tear up a lot when you start laying a lot of medical things on me.

The bad part is I have to go through all this, and then I have prior experience that was not good so is kinda like when you have abused animal?

Certain movements or reactions will remind or put the animal on guard…. You have to be gentle, and let come to you – move slowly, speak softly and show the animal compassion.

Is sorta same?

Anyway.

Still don’t know anything so is fine… it kinda kills me a little to come back to civilization and have hospitals jump back into my life 😢❤️

Totally love being alive – so appreciate the good doctors and nurses.

It just makes me wanna run back to middle of no where

I won’t … but I so safe there and was so beautiful and such respite … and then I come back and so do hospitals … so that is a sucky thing.

https://youtu.be/EvuL5jyCHOw

I do not like the emotions with this either

I much prefer happy funny or just compassionate?

None of this crying – I hate that so much!!

I want to make it just chill … but I have zero control with certain things they say or do. It’s that lump in your throat that if someone says something or.something is a reminder… it just makes me cry.

It’s just a reaction that I can not control at all. My body just cries.

I really only like laughter and enjoying life. I don’t really like any of this other stuff

Well whatever

So partly good so far… night and day difference from Kaiser 😮😮 wow Omg so different in every way! So I was calm

I still cry. But I calm

I do not know how to do these medical things without the crying happening 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

But they did good yesterday – they kept it calm ❤️

So now just wait til test.

And that’s how it went. It’s a little draining:

I self cared and we went shopping after I pick up daughter – I got new sneakers 👟 … they are pink ❤️ they have high arch support – I have high arches 🙌 … they look really adorable and they do not have any laces or bothersome things – slip on slip off comfort lol 🙌… and they are pink 💗 … not black lol

The store had swimsuits too and I really really really want a new one. They are crappy suits this year!! So I will keep looking.

But I love the pink shoes and that take my focus away ❤️✌️

I’m just really tired of life making me go through things … that is not cool … I don’t mind a little here and there because that is life – but cmon

I just simply want peace in life

Death and stuff can stop chasing me please

https://youtu.be/5anLPw0Efmo

That song because I am tired of life’s shit

I love this song, so sorta this one maybe? We see …

https://youtu.be/bxV-OOIamyk

But not really because I am kinda tired of life’s things – so we see?

Ps… I really hate cry things because you can totally tell I cry!! My face gets all swollen – I am allergic to crying lol … I do not like it.

See way easier to just avoid all this. – I’m just saying … is little heavy… but then is also life so I still want that. Otherwise I would stay avoiding … but I would rather live. I think… for now.