In the end…

Sometimes I cry because of people… I am sensitive in areas.

When I am at work, there have been times when something comes close to my own world, and then those can give you that heartbreak 💔 You are touched by someone else’s loss because you yourself, can feel that.

But then also … that has the bonus that you can relate so you know exactly how they feeling so you know what to say, and how to be. And you can tell when someone umm cares? Or they feel you.

The first phone call I took today made me want to cry. 😮😳 … someone was dying of cancer and wanted to make the arrangements prior to death 😳 … see how you not see signs in life?

But if you gonna get someone who can help you, find someone compassionate or who can relate. You could hear the tremble in their voice 💔 awww

So I related to them, and instantly that seriously put them at easy because then my voice trembled

Sometimes you find peace when or where you don’t think you find that?

Anyway… my point is… if anything is wrong – this is not going to be a good job for “me” mentally. I love my people so dearly … but that might be a really hard mix?? That’s pretty heavy and I can’t be crying right next to people 😮 I can’t have the heartbreak while experiencing my own? 😮 that would not balance 😳😳

So … I dunno… sometimes I think I see signs? – I just don’t trust life and I’m not good with deciphering anything – I need it clear and precise so… that can be an issue lol ✌️… that is why life gives up and then just pushes me 😄✌️

But yeah, kinda double jeopardy 😳 I don’t think I will handle very well from personal and work side – my worlds collide like that 😮

And then of course I am sensitive here with this. Just because … so ya know…

So my boss was at my location and I had already mentioned everything because I will take time off and I am transparent with my shit when comes to work.

I joked with a LOOONG list of strict directions and rules I want. I joked, but yes I want that lol 😘✌️ I will laminate those instructions if needed lol

Also… I do want a little bit of everything – I see a lot of funerals, from all walks of life…. so I like little parts of each one… so I would like to mesh them all together in tiny pieces ❤️ with a playlist of course … as well as … strict instructions for how to handle my body lol … not kidding.

We work at funeral home and this our world – we speak of things

I want just little pieces of all the things I see that impressed me. Little piece of this, little piece of that lol … and I said … I do not want just anyone handling me. I want to say who handles me. My boss is one of the people I would want, as well as one other.

I asked if that would be bad or is that too personal? Because know me? Would that be hard?

And my boss said not only will we fulfill all your wishes, we do it for free for you, no question!

So I don’t know if was joking because even though heavy material – the convo was light not dark, we laughing as I strictly tell them how I want to be handled … but was said with such um? Absolute ?

So ya know… little things like that… probably did mean that… and then ya know – to say that without any hesitation – it just makes me adore them more – have to be careful though because those are boarderline things that will make me cry.

It would already be next to free for me anyway because I am employee… if I die… I already get 75% discount – if you have planned a funeral recently – you know that it is expensive!

Cremation is cheaper … but I do not want that. I do not want to be burned – I do not want that.

When I was a child I would have these horrible nightmares about dying in a fire … so no… nope.

Also … not that I follow catholic… I am hmm?? I am catholic.. I will always be catholic. Is what I know.

I am not practicing catholic… meaning I do not go to church… I do not need to go somewhere to pray, I do not need to be with others to pray – I am more private and church just not for me… I pray and keep some beliefs… but ya know… I just do not want church.

Where you pray does not matter – you do not always have the luxury to have things… and you do not need much to just pray. So.

I have my rosary – it’s green and white 💚🤍💚

It was my great grandmothers … so I just love it. I think I would like that with me?

When I die – I want my last rites … I want a catholic priest… only a catholic priest. I don’t care whatever else anyone else believes in – I just simply want that. … I came in like that, I want to leave like that, I just feel safer with that.

I already know which father I want if he is still alive when I die… lol ✌️…he is pretty old now and I do not plan to die any time soon – unless life says otherwise – but I don’t plan on it yet. But I wish he live forever so I can have him. I really only want that particular one.

He is Irish ☘️… thick brawl 💚 sweetest most beautiful heart – very kind man… funny with a sense of humor lol … very low key and gentle. 😊 you only hear about the bad ones … but you never hear about the amazing ones ❤️ … as with anything.

I want a burial 🪦… they have some really incredible and beautiful caskets ⚰️ … I don’t want anything weird… just something classic and nice … I would like a nice pillow though and padding to be on… because is my final rest… since I not have a lot of rest in life – I would like my body to have that in death

I want a headstone 🪦 … I do not want a grassy marker – NO!… I do NOT want just a marker – I do NOT like those. I want full on headstone … or better yet a crypt or mausoleum – but ya know … I go easy with pushing it lol ✌️😘 … but I still mention lol ✌️😘

But yes I would like a final resting spot … that someone could come and leave flowers 💐… whether they do or not whatever … and then ya know over time you are forgotten. Like when you write your name in the sand at the beach 🏖 and the wave comes and washes it away.

But still … I would like my name – First… I want my first name put as “Trisha”… I do not want the PA!!! Do not put that on there – I will be very mad and come back to haunt!!! Do not tempt!

I want my middle name too… and maiden ONLY!!! ONLY ONLY ONLY!! Do not put anyone else’s name upon mine … I want what I was born with.

I want my whole entire birthday written out, carved in stone … and then of course the date of death … also written out.

Some people put their actual photo on their headstone 😮 so you can actually look upon a face that is no longer with us. It’s kinda eerie? There is a eerie ness? Very interesting though – I love to look at photos and see

I’m not really into photos of self. I have some but ya know… I like taking pictures more… not selfies or whatever else. I like a little privacy with things sometimes ?? But then I also love to look back in time myself… so I am not sure? For myself as the dead person – I do not know if I like my actual photo on it lol… but as a person looking back in time – I love to see the faces and the styles and the people. It’s fascinating!!

So maybe a photo? – If yes… I will choose the photo I want used in my memory. … but again I am not sure if I really like that idea myself.

I definitely want to find something to say. I want to have my final quote also listed.

I do not know what I would like to say yet lol

Which way should I take that? Lol … for my final words lol

I have not decided on that yet / but I definitely want words lol … so not sure what words I will choose to use yet… pretty important since they be my final words ever. So it will probably have to have meaning. Not sarcasm lol ✌️ maybe something with little humor edge? We see

I should just put “We see” lol

But that’s a tough decision.

See … this is also a reason with my worlds colliding … this is what I see everyday… so I think about what I want. All day long this is my world

The good thing with that is – it does not scare me to speak of or plan. It’s a good thing – yes you will be dead but still … you should care what you want? Is last thing you ever wish or plan.

Funny how we think of death huh?

My other question is if I want embalming or not. That is a hard thing to bring up – it gives me weird feeling. I kinda shiver – I don’t like thinking about it. That is NOT my zone!

Do I want to be embalmed or preserved? Hmm ?

Well … when I was really really little … I just thought I shoulda been Egyptian lol … I liked the whole death outlook and traditions … and I just always thought they so fascinating and so beautiful … such a beautiful culture – I always loved documentaries – from the moment I was born … but it was Egypt that always made me wanna be an archeologist … not that I did that – but if you asked me when I was little – that’s what I said I wanted to do. lol

They knew the stars, and earths minerals and healing properties of things … some ancient civilizations around the world were extremely advanced

Egypt always had such a stunning way to preserve its people … and it’s just totally fascinating and technically they got their wish/belief… they came back to life again so we may all see them again. They just weren’t totally sure how they were to come back to life – but they preserve that so we could see now.

They had such thought, care and meaning behind all that preparation for someone’s death 😮 wow.

And… how intricate they were and the things they wished to be with or have placed with them upon death. All so very fascinating … I wish for one moment you could peek back in time… just to see for yourself

So do I want to be preserved? Hmm?

If I don’t do that then I just worry about bugs and stuff lol… 😳😳😳

Yeah I do not like to speak of that. Nope I do not like to talk about that particular death subject.

Just because I know what they do.

It makes me squeamish lol … I feel squeamish when I think of embalming … I do not like to think of.

If I am giving information about it, I am ok… but when is regarding self?? I do not know.

That one is hard for me. But I think yes, I think I would like that?

We have some new thing that I do not like -alkaline hydrolysis

I do not like some of these new things

Plus I just figure I am more of a traditional person so I think I want very low key traditional.

Just a small quite wake…. Softly play my playlist and favorite pictures ❤️

Satan is NOT allowed!! 🚫 do not let him anywhere near me even in death – I would like peace not hell, he already took me to hell before, so please … no satan – keep him away. I do not want him there or anywhere around.

And small immediate family and friends service ? just low key.

So yeah… I’m thinking maybe working for death and running from it would be too much ??

Well anyway I have to go to sleep… tmrw I read … I can either post or read but is hard to do both. Unless something mega goes down – I plan to only read. I need the mental break from death!!

I always love this song …

https://youtu.be/RgKAFK5djSk

And I always believe this song for those I love …

https://youtu.be/2-MBfn8XjIU

❤️

Yeah … probably not good for me to be surrounded by death? We see. But this is already my world, it can’t be my entire world. I think that might be too much. I keep my personal separate… to have them possibly collide together makes me see it entirely different 😳😳

Ok enough … good night 🌙😴😘

It does matter – but there is still an end. Either way.