Tomorrow

Ok so tomorrow morning at 9am I am seeing a doctor. We see

So tmrw I will see a Sutter doctor.

9am PST … tmrw morning 😳 I like to be early – plus does not give me time to freak out before going – so I book appt so I have to go to right after dropping daughter off at school.

I have things written down, so that will help ❤️ thank you all very muchfor the suggestions and support ❤️

I am nervous – I really don’t trust doctors .. but before and all through the cancer – I went through Kaiser – it was awful – they messed up. Which isn’t unusual for them with many things

So at work I could choose what I wanted and I purposely avoided Kaiser for that reason. I went with Blue Cross Blue Shield and I can pick whoever I want

I did sorta cry on phone but held it together… I didn’t have to give too much detail and they not seeing me yet… tmrw 9am they will – they were kind

Just be emotional. It will be ok – I will go.

They just have to be careful – they seemed really nice on the phone. Way more caring than Kaiser ever was!!

So I will just take it as it comes. It’s out of my hands

So … one thing I kinda worry about besides all this … is my silence … so I like my silence because it gave me peace and kinda protects me? I have peace in silence. But I also know how dangerous it is.

Jut the overwhelming heart break emotion with things causes me to want to go silent severely

Like the crying – how is not something I can control … is the same with the silence – which is why I say that’s when I broke.

All that pressure of everything right down to surgeries … that final one just did me in. And then I went severely silent

I am going by myself again. I could call my oldest and see if he come with me – but then I don’t want him to see me cry. And I don’t want to look sick and weak to them again and I don’t want them to worry… so… probably not good idea at this moment – I wait

Ok – what is a good way to NOT go silent? How do I not let that happen?

I have to reprogram NOT to do that. That is my coping mechanism. Has been for awhile.

You can’t do anything about it – it has to be me.

I would only answer people if I knew they would send the police to check on me. Or I also answered for my police because I didn’t want them just coming either lol

When I dropped off the face of the earth – I left social media and being social – I just shut down and went away. As soon as they let me out of the hospital – I couldn’t get away fast enough

And then my ex was not letting up … so that plunged me even deeper in silence

But I had peace and respite from the world that was nice – it is very peaceful when you don’t have the world around.

If it comes close to any of the previous trauma – I worry with silence

Is very hard for me not to because the urge to protect comes in, so I don’t know?

I sorta feel already – I am silent at moment from people – except for the friend who is helping me. He is only a friend but one I trust and went through similar things like me – just a different cancer

I don’t think I go severely quiet from here… but maybe for a minute ?? I might need to just get a grip ? I don’t know

This is place I can come to speak, so that helps.

I just have to stay aware of it and NOT let it happen, it sounds very easy – but it is not.

I stay quiet today because I am absorbing what I am doing

Plus I cried most of morning and exhausted myself anyway – I just don’t wanna do it again – I don’t want to remember anything – so that’s gonna be hard – it will all flood back the minute I step into office

Ok so is not the same moments… totally different moments …

For now – I gonna sleep – I am tired from crying earlier … and it’s ok I cry btw… am sensitive here so it’s just gonna happen.

I just say what thinking about or say what makes me cry … and yes it does. But again I am sensitive with this. But it’s fine – to cry is release, so is ok I cry here.

This area just takes me down little – but just let it. The only thing I need to really watch myself with is that silence… the crying is just circumstance and moment… I am sensitive with it… but the silence is dangerous – the crying is not.

Anyway just saying – it is ok to be sad or cry sometimes – is human

I don’t care much that I cry here – cause it’s just a thing with this… can not control it – plus you can’t see me so it doesn’t bother me like this

The silence is the one I have to watch and care about – not the crying

Ok I need to sleep before this happens.

I be back tmrw after the appt – I might need a moment – but I promise I come back tmrw.. even just for quick words … if I can’t speak.

https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4