Ok so tomorrow morning at 9am I am seeing a doctor. We see

So tmrw I will see a Sutter doctor.

9am PST … tmrw morning 😳 I like to be early – plus does not give me time to freak out before going – so I book appt so I have to go to right after dropping daughter off at school.

I have things written down, so that will help ❤️ thank you all very muchfor the suggestions and support ❤️

I am nervous – I really don’t trust doctors .. but before and all through the cancer – I went through Kaiser – it was awful – they messed up. Which isn’t unusual for them with many things

So at work I could choose what I wanted and I purposely avoided Kaiser for that reason. I went with Blue Cross Blue Shield and I can pick whoever I want

I did sorta cry on phone but held it together… I didn’t have to give too much detail and they not seeing me yet… tmrw 9am they will – they were kind

Just be emotional. It will be ok – I will go.

They just have to be careful – they seemed really nice on the phone. Way more caring than Kaiser ever was!!

So I will just take it as it comes. It’s out of my hands

So … one thing I kinda worry about besides all this … is my silence … so I like my silence because it gave me peace and kinda protects me? I have peace in silence. But I also know how dangerous it is.

Jut the overwhelming heart break emotion with things causes me to want to go silent severely

Like the crying – how is not something I can control … is the same with the silence – which is why I say that’s when I broke.

All that pressure of everything right down to surgeries … that final one just did me in. And then I went severely silent

I am going by myself again. I could call my oldest and see if he come with me – but then I don’t want him to see me cry. And I don’t want to look sick and weak to them again and I don’t want them to worry… so… probably not good idea at this moment – I wait

Ok – what is a good way to NOT go silent? How do I not let that happen?

I have to reprogram NOT to do that. That is my coping mechanism. Has been for awhile.

You can’t do anything about it – it has to be me.

I would only answer people if I knew they would send the police to check on me. Or I also answered for my police because I didn’t want them just coming either lol

When I dropped off the face of the earth – I left social media and being social – I just shut down and went away. As soon as they let me out of the hospital – I couldn’t get away fast enough

And then my ex was not letting up … so that plunged me even deeper in silence

But I had peace and respite from the world that was nice – it is very peaceful when you don’t have the world around.

If it comes close to any of the previous trauma – I worry with silence

Is very hard for me not to because the urge to protect comes in, so I don’t know?

I sorta feel already – I am silent at moment from people – except for the friend who is helping me. He is only a friend but one I trust and went through similar things like me – just a different cancer

I don’t think I go severely quiet from here… but maybe for a minute ?? I might need to just get a grip ? I don’t know

This is place I can come to speak, so that helps.

I just have to stay aware of it and NOT let it happen, it sounds very easy – but it is not.

I stay quiet today because I am absorbing what I am doing

Plus I cried most of morning and exhausted myself anyway – I just don’t wanna do it again – I don’t want to remember anything – so that’s gonna be hard – it will all flood back the minute I step into office

Ok so is not the same moments… totally different moments …

For now – I gonna sleep – I am tired from crying earlier … and it’s ok I cry btw… am sensitive here so it’s just gonna happen.

I just say what thinking about or say what makes me cry … and yes it does. But again I am sensitive with this. But it’s fine – to cry is release, so is ok I cry here.

This area just takes me down little – but just let it. The only thing I need to really watch myself with is that silence… the crying is just circumstance and moment… I am sensitive with it… but the silence is dangerous – the crying is not.

Anyway just saying – it is ok to be sad or cry sometimes – is human

I don’t care much that I cry here – cause it’s just a thing with this… can not control it – plus you can’t see me so it doesn’t bother me like this

The silence is the one I have to watch and care about – not the crying

Ok I need to sleep before this happens.

I be back tmrw after the appt – I might need a moment – but I promise I come back tmrw.. even just for quick words … if I can’t speak.

11 thoughts on “Tomorrow

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  1. Good luck tomorrow!!

    Regardless of outcome, have you considered joining a support group – something you can attend at will? Seems like you might benefit from sharing your experience and fears with others who’ve had them too. But maybe I’m stupid.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I am not a “support group” type. Tried it before with cancer initially. I am not into trying to fit meetings into my schedule – and I am quiet in that context- I will NOT want an entire group of people seeing me cry – nope 👎

      I don’t do groups.

      I have support though – I have people who have had cancer and ones who came into my life when I had the first time.

      I have a wonderful support group of friends – my friends are very amazing – I never have to worry with support with them.

      It’s not stupid to try a group – it does help some… I’m just not that type. I’m too quiet and too emotional for that.

      1 on 1 with a medical professional is fine – but no groups

      I can share my story and photos with someone if they going through cancer… if I can show them what to expect so it helps when there are ZERO patient advocates to help you understand what is happening – so I can do that FOR others. I just don’t like it focused on me, that is when I have problems

      If is helping someone else is fine… if is me… I am more quiet, sensitive and private

      I wouldn’t mind seeing psychologist – but no groups. I am WAY WAY WAY too sensitive and private.

      They tried to get me into a group the first time … the doctors gave them my name and they call me … I do not do meetings with people nope 👎 definitely not for anything I am sensitive with nope nope nope… so I refused to go to any meetings

      A few women understood and they walked me through online …

      We did not discuss the hard stuff – they only show me and tell me how the experience was going to be and what to expect.

      I don’t trust doctors, I don’t trust government, I don’t trust people, and I am severely private – I am not a group type at all

      Maybe some people like that, or helps them – but I absolutely without question refuse that

      I am silent and private in general

      A group is not something I am ok with or willing to do at all.

      Good suggestion for normal people. And some like that or need that

      I am just not that type at all.


  2. As your eldest is so understanding of you Trisha, would it not be a nice support to have him there? I understand the need to not let him see you cry, but crying isn’t a weakness you know. it’s the reality check that you are human. Having your son there would also allow him to be strong for you 🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. No … cause the whole cancer thing makes them treat me gingerly.

      I just better by myself – I did by myself before – I am ok with that.

      I only want one person – and I can’t have her – so I’m good.

      I know crying is not weakness … lol … I see crying every day – definitely not weakness.

      I am not ready to bring my kids into this again yet.

      I have flashbacks of sitting down with them the first time and going over my funeral plans with my children

      So yeah no not yet.

      I’m ok alone. Also not a sign of weakness – just for these moments – I prefer alone.

      I see what doctor say first before I go pulling them into this again.

      Then maybe – just not right now.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I understand that completely. I wouldn’t tell anyone even if it was bad news. it would take me several months to process it and then l might not tell anyone.

        I thought as your eldest is now much older than he was the first time you broached the subject, he might be your rock.


        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah absolutely not… no need to worry them unless it’s actually something.

        He is my “child” – not my rock. Appreciate that he there for me… but he is my child.

        Not an option – not doing that unless it becomes a problem that I have to tell them.

        Otherwise no.

        I don’t want them knowing anything until I know what dealing with.

        Nope no way – they are my children and absolutely not.

        I do not want anyone with me at all. I just want to absorb all by myself. Is personal moments.

        I am fine being alone currently, I want it that way – private and quiet.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I hope did not come across rudely – didn’t mean it that way …

        Am just protective… I really don’t want anyone to see my initial reactions – very private and very personal

        I can not bring my kids into that again yet. If is serious I will

        But for right now is best that I go it alone. I prefer it that way. I don’t react to anyone else’s emotions except my own… and I want to be able to handle first.

        But thank you for thinking so I don’t have to be alone – I know.

        Is over – I will post shortly on what’s gonna happen ☹️ is good – I just make sad face because it begins again.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. They just bring me to room – so far is ok… I tear up but am ok … slightly uneasy so we see

        But they definitely better than doctors who handled my cancer!!

        I am waiting on doctor now 😳

        I’m very glad to do this by myself!! I would not be comfortable with anyone else but my mom. So I am ok. I am big girl for awhile now. Sorta – ish

        Liked by 1 person

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