So I think this is not good idea – the more I think the more I think no.

He want to call me later – because when he was evasive – I just be quiet all day… I was swamped in work and install all day long. Plus we had training at location

So I busy anyway. Plus you know, I have that quiet thing.

It’s just that… I went through a lot and then I’ve gotten used to my own peace? And of course I love peace…

I don’t have to answer to anyone, I am not at anyones mercy, I am not being hurt, I am not sad, I do not have to adjust to another. I have my kids…

So… I do not want to play any games.

If can’t be up front and honest from the beginning – then I see issues. I want to know what’s coming at me

I don’t even wanna give anyone my time if they not ok or worth it.

So it bothers me a lot. And if bother me this much then that’s a no.

He shot himself in the foot before he even out the gate!

I am playful person but not like that. So whatever

He say he wanna call later – whatever … because I’m gonna lay it out – either he say things or I’m good and we do not need to go out.

I just don’t wanna waste my time at all.

Will totally have to be worth it, if I’m gonna have anything in my life and so far no.

Otherwise – I’m happy with the peace. So 🤷‍♀️ whatever … see this is how is!!

This is how guys are … so whatever 🙄

I don’t need someone, am already happy so… I can take my time and I don’t have to if I don’t want to – or if doesn’t feel right.

But I dunno?? It’s more that I think be?? Because it also makes me feel little sick 😮

Just because again the time… I feel sick because I don’t want to give my time to anyone who shouldn’t have it.

I gave all my everything to satan always so… I’m not doing that again… and I’m also going to be REALLY careful

So I’m just really careful about my time… and then you know I’m silent type so 🤷‍♀️ … I speak to him but when he evasive – I be quiet.

And ya know – I also question if I even have the time. So. I don’t know

Maybe I’m still not ready.

But then I also think the longer time goes by, that maybe it will panic me even more ?? So I dunno?

I don’t think I do very well with this. I just like peace. This does not feel like peace.

~ sigh ~

Maybe he say something later that will change mind – but I’m thinking no, cause he already playing games and being evasive.

I’m just good on that. I do not need other life dramas lol omg – that would kill me for sure!

https://youtu.be/iS1g8G_njx8

Is that bad to say?

But kinda yes – I don’t need new drama or issues

If can’t be easy – then I am all set … I am not willing to have my life be crap again so – whatever

Also… 🤨 … there is this movie called “Nope” … well in my mind is about all the things you could say nope to, like I do lol … it sounded like my perfect movie – right??? PLUS it comes out in July 🙌 the month of all months lol 😘✌️ … although this year – I wish for it to take its time 💋

Anyway… Then I watched the trailer …

https://youtu.be/In8fuzj3gck

And then I said “Nope”!! Because no way!! I will have nightmares for a very long time – nope – still works – good choice on name lol

I have not even dealt with any of this other job stuff – been too busy!! Crazy busy this week!

All of us are exhausted – today my face was like screw you for wearing make up lol – I keep yawning and just wanna sleep – is also hard to concentrate when you are sleepy

Oh before I go… he texting me now… so he want to talk about taking me out – and I just texted back – I’m not comfortable going out with you – unless you tell me this. So. Line drawn.

Let’s see how he plays his cards – ok buddy. Let’s see who you are. So far he is silent so there ya go, or he doesn’t know how to answer me. It’s a pretty easy answer – yes or no. So … I’m think I’m pretty done.

Nope lol … I really love that word… I love the word Nope and also “whatever” lol – my 2 favorite words currently. 😘✌️

Gnite 💋

https://youtu.be/CD-E-LDc384

So I dunno …

That guy ask me out for a drink on Saturday night … but I don’t know if I want that.

We had a convo today which I ask him some questions about himself… and he was evasive. Said he wanted to speak to me in person to see my reactions 🤨 … buddy I will wear a mask and glasses if I have to. I will not showing any reaction to nothin!

I don’t like that answer and if is evasive already, ya know… I don’t want that …

I just don’t know.

So anyway we had that convo … and now I am not comfortable with it. If can not be honest and up front and not play games – I’m not interested in wasting my time.

If I give you my time – I don’t want to waste it. I don’t give my time to anyone

But these are reasons why. If it’s gonna be a hassle or some complicated thing – then forget it – I am good

As it is, I question if I even have time for someone so – I dunno

We see – I don’t wanna waste my time – could be a waste. If I am not feeling better about it by Saturday – that’s not happening.

Currently I am not comfortable with it. So unless that gets better – I’m not gonna waste my time

I’m good- I don’t want anything stressful or complicated and if that’s the deal – I’m out.

Ok I’m off and going home ✌️

Omg so yeah – this week is after me! For sure!

So let’s see… evidentially my security patrol we have does not do daytime… and told me to call police – ugh 😑 … ok whatever

We work in Sacramento area with high homeless population but I can’t have them sleeping, or going to the bathroom outside or doing illegal activities whatever – not when families are coming in – I can’t have that.

I am not paid enough to risk my ownself by myself in Sacramento, so the police can come do that then.

Whatever

Then after that whole thing – I go to sit at my computer to “work” and I have no fricken internet 😩 omg this week does not want me to work!!! What the hell!!! Life is diverting my attention!!!

https://youtu.be/pt8VYOfr8To

It’s not letting me work!!! Omg!

So I call help desk and since I am only one there… I say maybe is me but please check my location

And sure enough my location down

🤨

Of course it is.

Plus they like “don’t forget classes” … ok that is not happening – go ahead – ask me why. They will be sending out a survey to see what we think… I can not wait to get that!!! Gimme gimme gimme

Also… I think I am about to play hardball – we see. I don’t know if I have stomach for it but we see – let me try and see. Because I drive this stagecoach right? So yup ok.

Two want me so… how you gonna keep me? What’s your offer ? 😮😮

Omg – ok business not friendship or pleasure so… what’s your offer? 😮😮

Yikes ok

It makes me feel little sick. It just does – there are more thoughts than just easy like that. So I don’t know? Omg it’s hard!

Ok so. That will be difficult maneuvering – I will go slow. And we just see

Ugh ok whatever let’s not talk about that – I want to be off work.

I do not want to think about work at all.

https://youtu.be/gte3BoXKwP0

Also… I talk with the guy from yesterday 😮 he’s pretty cool … I’m am still way way guarded though

But so far he seem pretty cool… he asked my age and thought I was 34ish no lol

I said you tell me yours first – no way am I gonna just say my age lol … ok he’s 45 … he’s my brothers age… ok I can handle that

But then I had to say mine 😝 I still claimed 49 because it is not July yet lol

And then he said so in July? Is 5-0 ? Lol and then ask me if I doing big plans or things

No lol… I am low key. Just peaceful chill

Anyway… he works a lot like me. He’s sweet and a texter… my funeral people are massive texters- I have several group and individual texts from all funeral people always – all day long sometimes

Sometimes I hear that text ding and I can feel the cringe through my whole body lol – what now?

Is weird to have dings and not have it be funeral people lol … I’m always like – ohhh other person lol

He just seems nice so far.

We see. Day 1 lol … they are all “nice so far” on day 1 lol …. We see

I do not know enough of him to think anything.

I told country boy about that… and his response was “looks aren’t everything, my charisma can’t be matched – one of a kind”

I’m not really sure if he’s serious or joking but whatever

No looks are not everything, and yes country boy has been amazing – but he does have his moments. And then we do not want same things… that is the bottom line – look I love you – thank you for the kindness and being thoughtful … but we are not on same page at all… whatsoever … I know he does make “occasional effort” but sorry I’m not into games – you either there or you not – he isn’t so… whatever … but we currently friends and I can say anything… usually – he knows where I stand.

I don’t let him near me because I have this fire with him and nope nope nope nope!! No! I also be guarded with him because of wanting different things and we just too different – but there is a fire

So I just stay away. We talk or text whatever – not all the time… I be silent from him because for me it is hard…

I’m not really a keeper of anyone who doesn’t wanna be there … but he keeps himself there rather than letting me let go… so what’s the deal?

So he does but then he doesn’t so… it’s just weird… why you want me in life then? We so different… we don’t have time for each other … it’s just not gonna work. I love him but sorry it won’t work. Not on same page.

I am very solid in what I am ok with or what I want …. So I dunno what to say. He wants to stay in my life but it’s hard because I have to keep him at distance because no!

I just don’t understand. I couldn’t be more opposite and we don’t understand each other, we don’t have time, not on same page… so then what?

I do love him as friend though. So it’s just little hard cause he can’t come close to me… in any sense of the term.

He’s always been sweet and kind and thoughtful to me…but we not a match

So I dunno. He wasn’t too pleased I didn’t sing his praises about his charisma… but when I see him?! … I don’t see him, I hear from him every so often, I haven’t seen him in awhile now?? I can’t remember when? I tell you he only holds his space and makes sure I think of him

Ok well – I have life back now for awhile… so I’m gonna go ahead and live it and he can do his thing.

If we were on same page – I would speak differently but we are not so no. It just kills me little he keeps wanting to stay in my life no matter how much I distance – ok so then what’s your deal?

He knows there is a fire

https://youtu.be/AqeIiF0DlTg

Hence the distance because no!! No way.

Either man up or no lol so ya know..

I know he cares sometimes but that’s not enough sorry so whatever – fire or not. I don’t wanna be burned so nope.

He messages … I keep distance. I just can’t – not same page, so as long as that is the way it is. Then no – no fire. I don’t want that.

I don’t need marriage because also no.. omg to even think of marriage again omg – first I would have to be insane … but I dunno if was someone amazing maybe I would consider but I dunno ?? I think of it and I don’t like the feelings or thoughts that go with “marriage” – it makes me think of not good things

But that is from one evil person … so I dunno if someone would change my mind, I dunno. That would have to be something incredible which I dunno

I used to fully believe that be possible – but I dunno

Because you have to have both on same page, and communication is key – plus maybe also attraction of some kind lol

So I dunno we see

I just don’t like getting to know people and then they wanna know about me and what I gonna say … lots of bad stuff, then good stuff and here I am lol

People wanna know my history… ok well and then the other thing is my silent thing. I hold off mentioning that – otherwise you wouldn’t know, around funeral people I am social and respected

Just personally I am quiet and silent and just you know stay away lol

So I how I supposed to say that to someone lol

So listen – I got issues lol

It’s not a self esteem thing because my self esteem is fine … it’s not that.

It’s because of the being guarded and well I went through a lot. So I just find peace in staying away and being quiet – I like that more.

But then see – that opens the entire can of worms because then people wanna know what or why. I don’t want to explain – you know that over time

I don’t want them to go too deep because I don’t wanna tear up or cry 🤫 and I don’t want to really speak of things anyway – I am not there

So … I dunno. We see

If my life goes that way to have someone in it, and I actually give someone chance … they totally have to be worth it! So we see

https://youtu.be/CqBtS6BIP1E

Otherwise no lol ✌️💋

Gnite ✌️

Well well… happy Tuesday

So I had to call the police

Not big deal – part of the city – just another day in the concrete jungle

So… maybe the week is determined to take me down lol … because if one more thing!!

https://youtu.be/bBD8M3WFrAw

Ok Tuesday. I got this.

Oh wow the day 😮 what?

Ok where should I begin? Let’s start with this stress management class lol 🙄

Oh cmon we are not children, they spoke to us like children 🤨 even counting if we got too loud during an exercise 🤨… we are not 5!

And they say things we either already do – or kinda dumb things. So whatever

They were grief counselors – not really stress management professionals – so whatever

I guess they tried. Now I have even more work but whatever. This is my end of month! Do you want me to pass the audit?

Ok so then… I leave right after that waste of time… Race back to my location to meet this guy who setting up my phones… I thought was from corporation but was another major company…

I am opening up and turning on lights and he comes and rings bell… so I open door and OMG… do you believe in doppelgängers? 😮 omg

He looked just like country boy 😮 omg

Fricken life! What the hell

So all I could do was smile – it was weird cause he look just like him and his smile too… so I felt a comfort but then I dunno him lol … so that is really weird

I was probably a weirdo?? Because I stare 😮 I couldn’t get over how much he look like him!! I have never seen a doppelgänger until today 😮 I thought was just a myth what are chances I ever know a doppelgänger? 😮 but today I did 😮

So I stare with huge smile 🤨 I couldn’t help it! I can’t take my eyes off because I am studying his face because how is this possible? And then, I dunno … I just smile because I can’t believe it lol … what? Am I in the twilight zone?

https://youtu.be/XVSRm80WzZk

So anyway – he looks just like him 😮 that trips me up!

There is differences obviously- country boy is rugged man man – hunt fish etc etc – complete opposite of what I am… And we are just different and want different things. I don’t really understand him so whatever. If it’s not right, it’s not right.

And this doppelgänger … he is softer, shyer – not a baseball player lol … but he’s definitely shyer – nice guy. Beautiful smile

It’s was just really weird and that pretty much fried my brain for the day mostly 😮

I had a stack of phone calls and messages to return omg … ahhh stress management … the doppelgänger did a better job with stress relief than the class did lol … because it made me not think of work for a minute 😮

So that was interesting day?? See what life does? Now why is life gonna go and throw that too … I don’t even know what life is trying to teach or say to me?? Can you just tell me??

I dunno. So… install again tmrw and I am not going to any classes – I can’t – I have way way way too much work!!

Ok what day is it ? Monday

Ok… so… hopefully this week is good week – please be good week … please don’t kill me 🙏

😮 it’s gonna kill me!! Omg

https://youtu.be/fWNaR-rxAic

They were grief counselors… it was all corporate

I already do everything they mention …

Was that earthy crunchy California stuff and she spoke to us like children so whatever

Pretty big waste of time

The whole time is just things I already know

In the meantime, there was a tragedy this weekend so I have a mountain currently and if those start coming our way – I want to be ready.

So yes was not stress management to attend whatever that was – waste of time! Talked down to – yeah they did it all wrong

It was corp – I didn’t expect much anyway. They trying – but just failing

In other news 😮 I am handling install currently 😮 wait til I tell you about that later after work lol ✌️

https://youtu.be/oVAgYcQ8cMA

😮😮😳

So I have some fun today … I have a teddy bear that someone gave me a long time ago… it plays a song – but I don’t know the song ??? What is it???!!!

I have an app that can hear a song and tell me what is… but it can’t do this one!! Dang it!!

I don’t know how to add audio?? I try to add it and then it asks me from where and I get lost lol ✌️

But the song sings…

… 🎶 I look at you, my troubles ALL go away 🎶

And that’s the only line I can get this teddy bear to play lol … I’ve had it for awhile.

~ sigh ~ that’s gonna drive me nuts

Is a upbeat gentle song? Ideas??

Anyway … how about some life questions?

Who has been the most influential person in your life?

I would say for me – number ONE is my mother ❤️ she is my most influence… I morphed into a more modern version of her lol

After my mother – I would say all the strong and incredible women who have come to my life ❤️ huge influences and have learned a lot ❤️

Ok next life question…

What was one time you got in trouble as a child?

Hmm 🤔 … as a child … I was a pretty good kid… but once when my brother was born… I didn’t wanna take the school bus – I was 5 years old… we lived in Maine … all woods 🌲

But they wouldn’t drive me lol … I didn’t want the bus…

So in defiance lol … instead of going to bus stop… I just went in the woods lol

But again – I was 5 lol … and my mother had me in a BRIGHT orange jacket soooo I was discovered and brought to school lol ✌️😘

One other time I got in a lot of trouble… was when we were visiting my grandparents lol

My grandfather used to always lovingly tease my grandmother – he would kiss her or try to be like that photo of the military guy kissing that nurse after WWII … he was very funny and sweet with her … and he would also sometimes lovingly smack her ass lol … it was always funny and they were playful lol

So… I also like to play lol … so we visiting and she is setting the table and walked by so I lovingly smacked her ass like he does because I thought was innocent funny and playful 😮

Nope!! It did not work that way – he was only allowed to do that lol – noted – I thought was just like game – but it was not lol

So those are my got in trouble as a child tales… if we talking teenager – that would be different lol

And then lastly…

What is the most adventurous thing you have ever done?

Hmm 🤔 I don’t like that question… because I feel all of life is adventure and there are different ways to view the meaning of that question.

I am adventurous and there are moments I can be fearless (moments lol) sometimes I have to hold my breath and jump and hope all goes ok

So … that pertains to life

But I have been to Caribbean that was adventure … my favorite was St Thomas ❤️ I saw Dori and Nemo ❤️

https://youtu.be/zNyYDHCg06c

I went to Tortola and Bahamas too … so kinda counts as leaving the United States lol – that was adventure

Also Vegas is always adventure – and So Cal…

So yeah I do not like that question because it is life that is most adventurous 🤷‍♀️ is all of it not an adventure? Lol

https://youtu.be/vGZMvV9KBp8

Ok … well anyway … is Sunday and I am being lazy 🙌❤️ it’s sooooo awesome… but I gonna shower and do stuff… definitely shower – but maybe for do stuff … well I have to do taxes so I gotta do that

Happy Sunday ☀️

Today was just cleaning house – so it’s all spotless to start week ❤️

I am not looking forward to Monday – Monday’s are usually bad anyway

But is weekend so I am not thinking about all that crazy stuff! Whatever – let the chips fall where they may … whatever

Ya know many people can talk and say all kinds of words – even me. I can talk til I am blue in face and what does that do? Nothing … it does nothing

And depending on the person – words can also mean nothing or be worth nothing.

So … I hear a lot of words – I don’t see action so ya know? We see … actions do speak louder than words

How do you believe words when show you same all the time or worse ?? So ya know?

And then just handle it. While they speak words. If they meant the words – we would see action… but whatever

They promise a lot – no follow through – so whatcha say?

So ok whatever … Monday 😝

But let’s focus on the weekend ❤️

https://youtu.be/XXYlFuWEuKI

I also think country boy needs to stay out of my life. I’m not the girl for him and also while I am thankful for his kindness and thoughtfulness – showing me how to balance …

I can say hi… but that’s it. I really can’t have it be anything more than that. I don’t think he should come see house or me.

So. That’s my decision on that.

In my life… I do work hard for things… but the best things are always the things that fall into place at just the right moment and easily …

Examples are… I found my landlord on Craigslist and she did not kill me lol 😉 but she gave me respite and let me grow and feel safe and secure ❤️ it was pure fate to meet her … she also had breast cancer AND my dad and her husband both had died in 2017 ,,, so she is just one of my earth angels ❤️

I got the funeral home literally one month before Covid shut down – and here I am now … that just was crazy but slid in easy, and without ?? Where I be? I was safe ❤️ that just kinda was meant to be and it help me through my own grief of my losses

And then my team ❤️ I have amazing group of tight knit people. We build that! They become my second family – I am with them a lot!

And this house… this house was a fast whirlwind!! 😮😮 if had not happened when did, I would not have. So again meant to be.

And every time something happens that way – it’s like the best thing ever ❤️ life just does that… just let life lead you

Also… do you believe in signs?? Do you believe life will give you signs for what is best?

https://youtu.be/iqu132vTl5Y

So… I believe in what is supposed to be will be.

But I don’t think coming to my house and coming close to my life is good thing for him to do – I am definitely not on same page. He can call or text hello… but is best he stay away.

So anyway. The answer is no, just better like that. I am ok with just a text message or something. But he is not what I want to have in my life- I’m sorry.

He’s a good kind thoughtful man… totally … we just want different things and also see differently so it’s just best to keep distance. But I’ll say hi if he texts so that’s good enough. I can not have him come close – I don’t want that – we not on same page

He doesn’t need to see my house for any reason.

So. Whatever

My house all clean – I’ve paid bills – I have to do some paperwork stuff (taxes … I just have to do it)

And then tmrw 🙌 my sleep in do nothing day ❤️

So I just need to sit and do the taxes. Ok lol … is good …. Not a big deal – I’m just not in the mood at the moment, to do that lol ✌️

https://youtu.be/vNfgVjZF8_4

I’ll have it done by end of weekend.

Well that’s it.

Also thank you for not dying on Friday night ❤️❤️