Why always stuff???

Omg so yeah – this week is after me! For sure!

So let’s see… evidentially my security patrol we have does not do daytime… and told me to call police – ugh 😑 … ok whatever

We work in Sacramento area with high homeless population but I can’t have them sleeping, or going to the bathroom outside or doing illegal activities whatever – not when families are coming in – I can’t have that.

I am not paid enough to risk my ownself by myself in Sacramento, so the police can come do that then.


Then after that whole thing – I go to sit at my computer to “work” and I have no fricken internet 😩 omg this week does not want me to work!!! What the hell!!! Life is diverting my attention!!!


It’s not letting me work!!! Omg!

So I call help desk and since I am only one there… I say maybe is me but please check my location

And sure enough my location down


Of course it is.

Plus they like “don’t forget classes” … ok that is not happening – go ahead – ask me why. They will be sending out a survey to see what we think… I can not wait to get that!!! Gimme gimme gimme

Also… I think I am about to play hardball – we see. I don’t know if I have stomach for it but we see – let me try and see. Because I drive this stagecoach right? So yup ok.

Two want me so… how you gonna keep me? What’s your offer ? 😮😮

Omg – ok business not friendship or pleasure so… what’s your offer? 😮😮

Yikes ok

It makes me feel little sick. It just does – there are more thoughts than just easy like that. So I don’t know? Omg it’s hard!

Ok so. That will be difficult maneuvering – I will go slow. And we just see

Ugh ok whatever let’s not talk about that – I want to be off work.

I do not want to think about work at all.


Also… I talk with the guy from yesterday 😮 he’s pretty cool … I’m am still way way guarded though

But so far he seem pretty cool… he asked my age and thought I was 34ish no lol

I said you tell me yours first – no way am I gonna just say my age lol … ok he’s 45 … he’s my brothers age… ok I can handle that

But then I had to say mine 😝 I still claimed 49 because it is not July yet lol

And then he said so in July? Is 5-0 ? Lol and then ask me if I doing big plans or things

No lol… I am low key. Just peaceful chill

Anyway… he works a lot like me. He’s sweet and a texter… my funeral people are massive texters- I have several group and individual texts from all funeral people always – all day long sometimes

Sometimes I hear that text ding and I can feel the cringe through my whole body lol – what now?

Is weird to have dings and not have it be funeral people lol … I’m always like – ohhh other person lol

He just seems nice so far.

We see. Day 1 lol … they are all “nice so far” on day 1 lol …. We see

I do not know enough of him to think anything.

I told country boy about that… and his response was “looks aren’t everything, my charisma can’t be matched – one of a kind”

I’m not really sure if he’s serious or joking but whatever

No looks are not everything, and yes country boy has been amazing – but he does have his moments. And then we do not want same things… that is the bottom line – look I love you – thank you for the kindness and being thoughtful … but we are not on same page at all… whatsoever … I know he does make “occasional effort” but sorry I’m not into games – you either there or you not – he isn’t so… whatever … but we currently friends and I can say anything… usually – he knows where I stand.

I don’t let him near me because I have this fire with him and nope nope nope nope!! No! I also be guarded with him because of wanting different things and we just too different – but there is a fire

So I just stay away. We talk or text whatever – not all the time… I be silent from him because for me it is hard…

I’m not really a keeper of anyone who doesn’t wanna be there … but he keeps himself there rather than letting me let go… so what’s the deal?

So he does but then he doesn’t so… it’s just weird… why you want me in life then? We so different… we don’t have time for each other … it’s just not gonna work. I love him but sorry it won’t work. Not on same page.

I am very solid in what I am ok with or what I want …. So I dunno what to say. He wants to stay in my life but it’s hard because I have to keep him at distance because no!

I just don’t understand. I couldn’t be more opposite and we don’t understand each other, we don’t have time, not on same page… so then what?

I do love him as friend though. So it’s just little hard cause he can’t come close to me… in any sense of the term.

He’s always been sweet and kind and thoughtful to me…but we not a match

So I dunno. He wasn’t too pleased I didn’t sing his praises about his charisma… but when I see him?! … I don’t see him, I hear from him every so often, I haven’t seen him in awhile now?? I can’t remember when? I tell you he only holds his space and makes sure I think of him

Ok well – I have life back now for awhile… so I’m gonna go ahead and live it and he can do his thing.

If we were on same page – I would speak differently but we are not so no. It just kills me little he keeps wanting to stay in my life no matter how much I distance – ok so then what’s your deal?

He knows there is a fire


Hence the distance because no!! No way.

Either man up or no lol so ya know..

I know he cares sometimes but that’s not enough sorry so whatever – fire or not. I don’t wanna be burned so nope.

He messages … I keep distance. I just can’t – not same page, so as long as that is the way it is. Then no – no fire. I don’t want that.

I don’t need marriage because also no.. omg to even think of marriage again omg – first I would have to be insane … but I dunno if was someone amazing maybe I would consider but I dunno ?? I think of it and I don’t like the feelings or thoughts that go with “marriage” – it makes me think of not good things

But that is from one evil person … so I dunno if someone would change my mind, I dunno. That would have to be something incredible which I dunno

I used to fully believe that be possible – but I dunno

Because you have to have both on same page, and communication is key – plus maybe also attraction of some kind lol

So I dunno we see

I just don’t like getting to know people and then they wanna know about me and what I gonna say … lots of bad stuff, then good stuff and here I am lol

People wanna know my history… ok well and then the other thing is my silent thing. I hold off mentioning that – otherwise you wouldn’t know, around funeral people I am social and respected

Just personally I am quiet and silent and just you know stay away lol

So I how I supposed to say that to someone lol

So listen – I got issues lol

It’s not a self esteem thing because my self esteem is fine … it’s not that.

It’s because of the being guarded and well I went through a lot. So I just find peace in staying away and being quiet – I like that more.

But then see – that opens the entire can of worms because then people wanna know what or why. I don’t want to explain – you know that over time

I don’t want them to go too deep because I don’t wanna tear up or cry 🤫 and I don’t want to really speak of things anyway – I am not there

So … I dunno. We see

If my life goes that way to have someone in it, and I actually give someone chance … they totally have to be worth it! So we see


Otherwise no lol ✌️💋

Gnite ✌️

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