I just made a huge mess with the vacuum 🤨😑 is also all down my front 😮🤨😑 Oh my god! Ewwwww 🤢

I don’t like this vacuum 🤨

I do because is easy to vacuum with, but I don’t because I can not actually work it properly without getting dirty and making bigger mess 🤨 gross!

Ok are you ready? Lol come explore with me lol… the video quality isn’t the best but whatever – again you have a glimpse… is quiet 🤫

Sorry, I can’t take you in there. Too many things

My grandmother would have called that sitting room a “Parlor”

Hope you enjoyed seeing for a minute 😘✌️ Happy Saturday!

Ps … I found stuff so now I can do stuff … gonna be working -back later 👋 – hope you can see all the videos ❤️ ✌️

I keep hearing what sounds like old music coming from a tinny transistor radio 📻😳😮

So much so, it was freaking me out lol … I had to investigate

It’s fine … over active imagination lol ✌️😄

Across the street, there are at least 30/40 people doing yoga or aerobics – to music … is coming in my windows like tinny radio lol

They are distanced by the way and they look like they have masks on.

The signs on the highway 🛣 are lit up with the message “please wear a mask, when in public areas”

Anywhere you go now requires a mask 😷… if you don’t have one – one will be provided for you

Ok let me get my actual work done and then I will go take some video maybe? We see

I be back

So that was an awesome Friday!! ❤️ the end of my birthday week.

Tomorrow, I work in wonderland 😮❤️ omg yay!!! All by myself (please don’t be scary all by myself 😳🙏)

Oh it’s gonna be amazing 😮… I think… in my mind I am thinking it be just phenomenal!!

My oldest is looking amazing!! 😮… on his keto thing… he looks very healthy! And he says he feels healthy – he cut sugar, if he has any, it makes him tired.

He’s doing good 😊

Tonight we watch YouTube videos on tv…

“Their stuff” … which I don’t find very funny lol… but that’s ok cause I just went on and on about this funeral home and all my stories ❤️

I did ask for one particular YouTube thing I like … but everyone groaned lol…

That could possibly be because when they let me watch one … I want to go through them all lol✌️❤️

I believe it is “odd one out”?? Or odd1out? Something like that… but I love those ❤️

I fricken love those “draw my life” videos too…

My kids say “mum those are from like a million years ago, no one does that anymore”… 🤨

Well can they bring that back? Cause I love those ❤️

Tonight’s videos were on the weird side – but they all laugh.

My son still hugs me really tight and holds on for a long time ?? Like he’s freezing the moment?

I don’t know?

We talked about his tiny home idea again… sewer, water, electricity, land lol … yes my baby, adds up quick.

He wants it ❤️ so ok – do that. He is aiming ❤️

My daughter told them she saw me using the foot bath thing… and 18 says “you actually use that?” Lol

Um yeah lol

And of course, I have been wearing the necklace ever since ❤️

Anyway… was a good night.

Tmrw I work in wonderland – that’s gonna be incredible.

I am going to have to dress up for that place, though. I do always… but just you know – on point 😘✌️

It’s so incredible and beautiful… I know I am saying that a thousand times – I can’t stop – it captured me totally!!!

Is like a time warp?? Like incredible! You will see – it’s way more massive and more beautiful and more incredible than mine. 😮

Alright well… I am excited for working there tmrw… I don’t know this funeral home at all… so think should be fine… I work the others with ease.

Oh did I tell you … there is even an upstairs!!!!! 😮😮😮 is crazy!!

We have one funeral home which is our everything … is the mother of all funeral homes lol … I have not been there yet…

Everyone tells me “just wait” 😮😮😮😮😮 supposably it’s breathtaking and also massive

Why am I getting excited over funeral homes? – where has my life gone lol ✌️😮

They are just ?? I don’t even know?? I like them.

It’s just the other side? I know the pain side of them… but here I get to see them differently. That are beautiful. Wow.

Alright well this far to drive 🤨😑 I have to go to bed…

I will probably have time tmrw … I am just going to be sitting at desk I think? Alone, all by myself lol… she even said just keep all doors locked and let people ring bell.

Sounds good to me ✌️

Ok bed – I need bed!!! Very very very far drive through crap traffic 😝😝 – back tmrw … reporting live from wonderland ❤️✌️lol

Gnite 😘✌️

Sometimes, I can be sarcastic or just blunt?

Last night, country boy texted me… basically just to say “hi” which he does every few days – whatever.

A few weeks ago… I tried to push him away. Ya know, I am just under stress and I don’t want to stress over anything else.

I like him, he’s has been a good friend, he is kind etc… but I just can’t relax with him… I can’t trust him.

It’s not about other women or sex or anything like that…

There is that one thing that is important to me… and I just don’t think he can give it to me… I’m sorry, I have to have that. It is one thing, and if he can’t, then I’m good.

When I tried to back away a few weeks ago… I told him I didn’t trust him – it’s that one thing …

He said… just relax, let’s just enjoy life ok?

Well… I am busy with my life – I don’t have time for outside influences right now…

I don’t see him, he lives kinda far (maybe an hour or so away)

So ok whatever… I’ll just sit back and watch, see if I can trust… all he does is text me every couple days.

But the answer to that is no…

Because on my birthday… he sent me a text… but it was a comment on a text from days ago… not one word about my birthday. Nothing.

He took 2 seconds to remember that and just say that. But not happy birthday.

So now I definitely don’t trust him… he just totally blew that. So my responses to him are kinda of blunt, maybe snippy?

He texts me last night… and he says “hi, how is your week going?”

So I don’t know if I was bitchy? Or sarcastic or let me throw this at you then? I dunno? I just replied back and said …

My week is good thanks. Tuesday was my birthday, had a nice birthday, have a good week.

He wrote back he was sorry that he missed and he forgot and gave some lame excuse – whatever – I’m not really listening now.

When he mentioned his lame excuse for forgetting … I said “yeah I figured so much” … I don’t give 2 craps about his lame excuse, but if he wants to call that, then yes his excuse is true and lame, I’ll agree. Whatever

But he also wrote I’m sorry, I owe you a visit or something.

So I said… No, you don’t owe me anything ever. But thank you

He didn’t say anything after that.

I’m just not in the mood to deal with games. You either care about someone or you don’t, so whatever

He dug his own grave – I do not trust him and he can not give me the one thing I want, so ya know whatever

Also being a man is no excuse for that either. Sorry it’s not. Man the F up, or get out of the way.

I’m not playing games here – I am busy, I am stressed, whatever… I will call him out on shit… if you wanna be in my life then do that… if not don’t let the door hit you in the ass

Yeah it is a big deal to me, so whatever – game over.

Game, set, match 😘✌️

Yeah I am tough… that’s how I will know when something is right… when I don’t have to be tough.

Ok whatever – I have to run. I still have to shower and woman is coming with me to this new funeral home today. We are just picking up keys to funeral home and getting alarm code.

I should be back before boys come? Not sure ? Probably

And of course that delivery comes today too!! While I have to be out 🤨 I better not have to sign for it – I will be pissed!!

Ok I have to go 😘✌️

I had a few reasons I started blogging… I started, at the end of October or beginning of November of 2019

I didn’t really know what exactly blogging was expected to be… I was not expecting for people to really find me?

I just thought would be a place I could keep my thoughts and write down what was happening. I was overwhelmed and just wanted a place to get things out.

I didn’t look at any blogs because I didn’t want to be influenced by how others did things … I wanted to have my way. I didn’t think anyone was going to read anyway.

I had just finished my final surgery, and walked away…

I was done with doctors and hospitals, everyone touching me, checking me… I swear there is not a doctor in the state of California who has not seen and touched my breasts 🤨 ugh

I was tired of all the deaths in my family, and all those things… and I was tired of my ex’s rampage … and dealing with court… and I was tired of being picked up on… so after that surgery I just picked up and left everyone. Went silent, moved to the country, keep to myself.

It was alot.

I used to talk to country boy alot and tell him things… he has always been very sweet and thoughtful… but at that time… we had a falling out and I stopped all contact. Went silent on him too.

My girlfriend… she wouldn’t let me go total isolation… she put up a fight to be there for me ❤️ I love her for that ❤️

Anyway… so I just wanted to release my thoughts and things I go through.

I wanted to be able to go back in time and see what I walked through… and also to remind me of things I might forget.

I have another reason I started blogging too… Alzheimer’s… my mother has it… her mother had it… I am next in line. I think about that. Yes it is on my mind.

I know traumatic events effect the mind in this area. I have had many. I saw what it did to my mom when my father died.

All of that was so traumatizing

So I was also thinking … IF that should come after me…

My blog would be more of a view into how Alzheimer’s takes over, over time.

Not that I think I have it … and I could escape it 🙏 … maybe I could be lucky 🍀 … but on the off chance it happens – it would be right here.

Like I said, I didn’t expect people to find me or even read my words … I needed it for me

When people did start reading … then I kinda hoped my words could help someone else with one of the same issues I struggle with… or maybe someone else knows things I don’t.

I already help other women through mastectomy’s and reconstructions… I tell my story, share my photos – women did that for me ❤️… I can tell you, it meant the world!!

I did not expect to be connected all over the world, but I love that very much…

I only hear about other people or other countries on the news – and here I can talk to you … learn things and how it is… not just hear or see on the news – I can see a whole new world I don’t know ❤️

I was enjoying blogging before Corona … I worked at a school… loved my kids – those kids breathed life into me after so much trauma and they had no idea. I had amazing kids!! I miss them very much!!

I had just gotten a second job at the funeral home – and I was excited… I felt like I could help other people through pain, and what greater pain than loss? Which I had many. I just wanted to be in a environment where I could help, be an asset and also have peace.

Then Corona came. I lost my school job, I lost my kids

Luckily and by the grace of god, I still had the funeral home which was deemed essential.

That just fell in my lap at the most perfect time. If I didn’t have that job – I don’t know where I would be. I am very grateful ❤️ beyond grateful

And the way this community all over the world pulled together during Corona – because we were all experiencing the same lock downs at the same time… but everyone was amazing ❤️ I loved being here with you. It was comforting and took my mind away mostly.

I felt like for one split second – the world was one ☝️ ❤️

All of this, with the blog… just helps, cause I don’t totally isolate.

I still have an outlet and it’s just been very positive. ❤️ it helps me feel stronger 💪 … I am strong but was overwhelmed.

I still have one more major loss coming at me … my mom… she has Alzheimer’s and she is slipping.

Those emotions are hard because it makes my heart bleed from the inside.

Alzheimer’s is a disease that forces you to experience loss before it even happens. Over and over and over

Even with that, at least currently I can still hear her voice and say I love you…

But one day… she will be taken from me – which is life. It happens, I can not control or stop it. I can cry and beg, but she’s still going to be taken from me. I stand helpless

With every ending there is renewal. Life goes on and life will be different.

I’m just saying the blogging has helped me through all my things and given me an outlet to release. It’s been very good in my life…

Not only for my own release, but also reading your words and your stories or poems or words. ❤️✌️

Oh yeah… and my oldest had told me before I started blogging… “mum you should go be an online personality… you would be perfect” … he kept trying to talk me into it lol

I asked him “will people see me?”

Yeah

Then no lol ✌️

But it just got me thinking and then I thought about a blog … I could just simply “be” and it’s been awesome! ❤️

Anyway just thinking about many things ✌️

First let me say… I hate cars…

I do not understand how to fix them “myself” – and I don’t trust car guys.

I have my own people who help me, when I need help with that. I trust my people.

I have my little crappy car that I love… I got this car on my own… I had been looking for awhile… nothing fit right or felt right… or I could afford at the time …

Until I saw my little Toyota ❤️ awwww I love my crappy car ❤️ the first time I laid eyes on it – I knew … I knew that was the car!! And I could afford it!!

How did I know? Because it had a little Pokémon decal of Eevee in the rear window ❤️ I saw that and it drew me in… I tried it.. and it just felt like was meant to be ours – instantly!!

We love it still – it’s a tough little car that has lasted me longer than I thought it would ❤️ so yeah … I love my little crappy car ❤️

It was the first major purchase all by myself. I just love that car for many reasons.

I don’t like when it has issues, and I am afraid will die eventually… but it has been very good to me, and continues to be.

I take care of it as much as I can. (I have to have my “people” work on it, but they help me with it)

I try to watch them so I can also understand – but I am soooooo not a car person like that!! I don’t understand it at all lol

Just make it “go” for me lol ✌️😄 … they always do! I have really awesome people!!

Today was mostly a normal day, however… there is this guy who thinks he can buy me

He can not … but he thinks he can 🤨 he keeps trying… and I keep saying no.

Started with roses 🤨 first a dozen, then 2 dozen 🤨 … he kept upping the anti… I told him to stop! Flowers are not going to catch my attention…

He then tried to give me jewelry – nope I can not accept that sorry. I don’t know him, and there is no meaning behind it other than for him and whatever reason HE has. I did not accept

My answer is a FIRM no!! I DO NOT trust this man/person.

I always say no, and do not accept…

So tonight after dinner… he sends me a text…

It says…

This is a one way text message. I don’t want you to reply. I know if your car brakes down your fucked. So I got you another car. It’s a red dodge neon. I will give you details later

🤨😠😠 first of all … I’m not accepting that … secondly … I didn’t like how that was worded… kinda felt controlling by telling me is a one way text message about something massive like that!! Who is he to tell me one way message? 🤨😠

I did not reply, I’m not going to reply. I am not dealing with this. I don’t want it.

I do not want any strings over my head. Nope 👎

You can think I am crazy to turn it down… whatever – I can’t and won’t accept that.

I need to learn to do for myself – I don’t need anyone taking care of me right now – let me learn. Don’t try to get leverage, it won’t work

And if I didn’t accept the other things – what possibly makes him think I will accept a fricken CAR?! 😮 … he just goes bigger and bigger every time I say no… that’s a HUGE red flag for me 🚩

Yeah wrong woman. You have mistaken me for someone else.

I don’t trust him and think is just a manipulation move – nope 👎

There are things that will catch my attention – but money and things are NOT one of those at all. Sorry

Money is just a mask… you want my attention ?? – show me who you are. Stop trying to buy me!!! I am not for sale!!

You know that saying “everyone has a price”??

My price is NOT money or things, that’s for sure.

I do have a price with something… but no one ever hits it. They too busy trying to impress me with things that do not impress me 🤨

I will say no every time.. I know it’s a car and I must be insane to turn it down, I am sure I am… but I don’t trust it. I don’t believe is sincere or just free

It doesn’t feel right and I don’t trust it…

I will stick with my crappy car for now – I have freedom and no one owns me and I am not at anyone’s mercy.

I would love to think it’s a kind honest gesture … but I don’t believe it is. Reality ✌️ and also intuition.

Do you see why I keep to myself????!!!!!!!!

I already went through hell before… so you better believe I am extremely cautious with this stuff!!!

That would be tainted surely! Nope! Not happening

My parents always used to say “nothing in life is free”

I say that to my kids and they try to come up with things that are free 🤨 but no they can’t cause everything has a price somehow

Alright well whatever – it’s really late, tmrw already 😮

I have to get to bed 😮

Gnite 😘✌️

I have recently been doing a different way of shopping… cause I can’t stand the whining about going to the store … and I do it every time!! Lol I hate going to the store!!!!

I just don’t want to be near too many people. Not right now. The more I stay away, the safer I feel.

So anyway… I’ve been shopping different lol… I am saying that with a BIG smile… cause now is easy without whining lol ❤️ ✌️

I have a neighborhood market – it’s a Walmart that is only a grocery store. They were not allowed to build a big giant regular Walmart cause we didn’t want that ruining our town. So instead we compromised with them and got a Walmart grocery store 😄✌️ they are cheap.

I just hate going in there.

They have an app that I use for the groceries… I can take my time looking through everything and getting the things I write down through the week. I can keep track of spending… and it’s easy.

I get to pick a time for when I can come pick up… today I picked between 4 & 5pm.

They won’t deliver to me because I am way too far out in the country. I have to go pick it up lol… not a big deal – I like getting out.

So anyway… they text me and say “hey order is ready, let us know when here” and it provides a link that opens the app and gps tells them your eta… or just open when you get there and it will tell them you are there – you have to enter what spot you are in and color of your car.

They come out, verify order. And load in your trunk for you.

I do not have to go in, I do not have to shop, I do not have to wait in line… It is awesome!!! I like this!!!

So today there were 2 items out – they gave me 2 substitutions but for the cheaper price.

First one was for water 💦…

I ordered 40 bottled waters. (That sounds like alot- but it’s not) but that was out…

Instead they gave me TWO 24 packs of bottled water … so I got 48 of the same size I wanted but same price ❤️ bonus

And the other thing …

I ordered 2 cans 15oz Tomato Sauce (just regular) … that was out too…

So instead they gave me 2 cans 28oz Tomato Sauce 😮 Lol very big bonus at same price ❤️

There was not a pick up fee OR a bag fee. Just tax and bottle fees 🤨😄

But it’s awesome!! I no longer whine … unless I forget to order and really need stuff and have no choice but to shop lol … you will know this because I will whine lol 😄✌️… but I try to push it so I can do online instead!! Way way way better!!!

I wish we could do that with every single store!!! And every single place!! For right now anyway. But I really like this – it goes very well!! Lol ✌️

I just picked them up and came home – half way home I called daughter and said – “ hey – get your shoes on… I’m almost home – help me with groceries please”

Ok mum … and she did ❤️

Ok … I have to make dinner but I will be back after that 😘✌️