The reasons…

I had a few reasons I started blogging… I started, at the end of October or beginning of November of 2019

I didn’t really know what exactly blogging was expected to be… I was not expecting for people to really find me?

I just thought would be a place I could keep my thoughts and write down what was happening. I was overwhelmed and just wanted a place to get things out.

I didn’t look at any blogs because I didn’t want to be influenced by how others did things … I wanted to have my way. I didn’t think anyone was going to read anyway.

I had just finished my final surgery, and walked away…

I was done with doctors and hospitals, everyone touching me, checking me… I swear there is not a doctor in the state of California who has not seen and touched my breasts 🤨 ugh

I was tired of all the deaths in my family, and all those things… and I was tired of my ex’s rampage … and dealing with court… and I was tired of being picked up on… so after that surgery I just picked up and left everyone. Went silent, moved to the country, keep to myself.

It was alot.

I used to talk to country boy alot and tell him things… he has always been very sweet and thoughtful… but at that time… we had a falling out and I stopped all contact. Went silent on him too.

My girlfriend… she wouldn’t let me go total isolation… she put up a fight to be there for me ❤️ I love her for that ❤️

Anyway… so I just wanted to release my thoughts and things I go through.

I wanted to be able to go back in time and see what I walked through… and also to remind me of things I might forget.

I have another reason I started blogging too… Alzheimer’s… my mother has it… her mother had it… I am next in line. I think about that. Yes it is on my mind.

I know traumatic events effect the mind in this area. I have had many. I saw what it did to my mom when my father died.

All of that was so traumatizing

So I was also thinking … IF that should come after me…

My blog would be more of a view into how Alzheimer’s takes over, over time.

Not that I think I have it … and I could escape it 🙏 … maybe I could be lucky 🍀 … but on the off chance it happens – it would be right here.

Like I said, I didn’t expect people to find me or even read my words … I needed it for me

When people did start reading … then I kinda hoped my words could help someone else with one of the same issues I struggle with… or maybe someone else knows things I don’t.

I already help other women through mastectomy’s and reconstructions… I tell my story, share my photos – women did that for me ❤️… I can tell you, it meant the world!!

I did not expect to be connected all over the world, but I love that very much…

I only hear about other people or other countries on the news – and here I can talk to you … learn things and how it is… not just hear or see on the news – I can see a whole new world I don’t know ❤️

I was enjoying blogging before Corona … I worked at a school… loved my kids – those kids breathed life into me after so much trauma and they had no idea. I had amazing kids!! I miss them very much!!

I had just gotten a second job at the funeral home – and I was excited… I felt like I could help other people through pain, and what greater pain than loss? Which I had many. I just wanted to be in a environment where I could help, be an asset and also have peace.

Then Corona came. I lost my school job, I lost my kids

Luckily and by the grace of god, I still had the funeral home which was deemed essential.

That just fell in my lap at the most perfect time. If I didn’t have that job – I don’t know where I would be. I am very grateful ❤️ beyond grateful

And the way this community all over the world pulled together during Corona – because we were all experiencing the same lock downs at the same time… but everyone was amazing ❤️ I loved being here with you. It was comforting and took my mind away mostly.

I felt like for one split second – the world was one ☝️ ❤️

All of this, with the blog… just helps, cause I don’t totally isolate.

I still have an outlet and it’s just been very positive. ❤️ it helps me feel stronger 💪 … I am strong but was overwhelmed.

I still have one more major loss coming at me … my mom… she has Alzheimer’s and she is slipping.

Those emotions are hard because it makes my heart bleed from the inside.

Alzheimer’s is a disease that forces you to experience loss before it even happens. Over and over and over

Even with that, at least currently I can still hear her voice and say I love you…

But one day… she will be taken from me – which is life. It happens, I can not control or stop it. I can cry and beg, but she’s still going to be taken from me. I stand helpless

With every ending there is renewal. Life goes on and life will be different.

I’m just saying the blogging has helped me through all my things and given me an outlet to release. It’s been very good in my life…

Not only for my own release, but also reading your words and your stories or poems or words. ❤️✌️

Oh yeah… and my oldest had told me before I started blogging… “mum you should go be an online personality… you would be perfect” … he kept trying to talk me into it lol

I asked him “will people see me?”

Yeah

Then no lol ✌️

But it just got me thinking and then I thought about a blog … I could just simply “be” and it’s been awesome! ❤️

Anyway just thinking about many things ✌️