Alright so… at first I was upset – I think I still am? I am kinda numb at this point.
So when I got home, I just crawled back into bed. Kinda cried to sleep, because I feel like they have me blocked from trying to do myself and also have no one helping… I feel blind and on my own.
I can’t get the courts to speak with me because she never filed that paper she rushed to have me sign last month…
When I contacted her about it, she said ok just give me info who to send to… this is a lawyer… do you not know what you are supposed to do??
She needs to file with the court so they remove her – end of story – file it!! Or give it to me and I will file it!!!!
And it’s the same thing with child services – they won’t speak to me about my case without that paper filed with courts.
I said that to her, and this time I had the contact of where to send – I gave her both a fax ⋕ and email to fax the paper to child services …
So she simply writes them, CC’s me so I can see what she tell them… and she tells them they can speak to me…
That’s not gonna do shit!! They need the paper… without that paper – no one will talk to me.
They did however remove the school from my file… she hadn’t even done that. They had no idea I had lost the school back in March and was working with funeral home now – no idea
I had that changed – they did allow that.
And they are removing something that should be removed anyway… she didn’t do that either.
I am afraid without being able to speak to anyone… he’s going to come after me huge right before this trial hearing.
Especially since I changed things
He’s going to be pissed and come after me hard… this is how he does. And now I am defenseless completely … and blind… while he isn’t. Whew.
So I am going to try a few options… I am backed up against a wall.
My first option… I am going to talk to one of my police officers
That makes me feel sick. But ok.
I texted one today… and just asked him “hey can I have your personal email?”
Right away he text me back with it…
I told him I would send something tmrw. I need time to write it down.
I feel nervous.
My police ❤️ I love them very much. They were my very first step out.
I needed to get out – it was bad… I couldn’t handle it anymore. I wanted peace at home.
I tried to get a job and couldn’t because I had been a stay at home mom. I had no references, no current job history… nothing.
I even tried temp agencies… 3 of them… who used the words “we don’t take people like you”
I understand, it is business and I had nothing to go off of. So I had no choices really … what do I do? How do I change it?
So… I knew the police had a program… it was volunteer … but I figured… what better to have on a resume than police? Even if is volunteer, and I would get to know people.
Before I was kinda locked away in the marriage. Men caused issues cause I am hit on all the time… I try to avoid but you can’t – it happens. It’s just gonna happen. But I tried to avoid as much as possible.
I would get friends because I am social and I’ve always been kind and compassionate.
They would start to get close to me and he would flip out – and it was embarrassing so easier to just focus on raising kids and being a wife… they were my life.
Nothing I ever did was good enough for him… not one thing. He was always accusing me of cheating … but I had my hands full with 3 kids… I don’t have time to fuckin cheat… and I have no interest in that anyway.
But he used that insecurity against me… so I catered and tried to make him feel more secure – what I didn’t know is he was doing all that. All that time. We had been together since kids.
And friends, he made sure to keep any away… it panicked me too much when he would flip out if I want to go over their house or anything. And then I looked like the weird one.
Sometimes some would be ok with that and still try to come close… I did want that… but then he would erase messages off the machine … and he would make all kinds of problems … so it was exhausting and hard to have friends and also kinda of embarrassing because he was so controlling. And I let it.
I have a fear of him. A fear like no other. I tell you he is the devil… he truly is…
So anyway… I needed out… I turned to the police – I knew I would be safer with them… and I was
They got to know me – trusted me… I was working with detectives and also handling the front office, I would go out with the police vehicle sometimes… they trusted me a lot
I even helped coordinate the County Law Enforcement awards for 2014 and 2015.
They let me do assemblies with kids about safety… I did a lot of PR (public relations) because I am good with people.
When they first took me in, one said “be prepared to be flipped off constantly” … I said “what? Why?” And he said the uniform and people don’t like police
But that was not my experience at all… the kids loved me, women loved me, and men 🤨… they would run up to me and ask to be handcuffed 🤨🙄 yeah whatever … but I never got flipped off lol … I was always helping and involved with the community – I am not a typical police type… I am soft and gentle.
I got to know my community very well, made friends immediately!! Everyone knows me.
The only time I ever asked them for something was for the school. That was right after cancer … I asked them for letters of recommendation so I could sink that job – I knew I could… they blew me away with the things they wrote! I was humbled by their words ❤️ … and I got that job because they did that. I’m sure that was an overwhelming factor… the police knew me and held me in high regards … so the school trusted me too.
Anyway… I don’t like asking them for things or telling my personal life – I am extremely quiet and private. I have been conditioned for that, and that’s just how I am.
When I was with my police… I hid the abuse for awhile… I just wanted to be safe with them, I didn’t want people knowing what was going on. Especially them…
But then he started harassing me there, because they did hold me in high regards – he was on a mission to destroy that.
They did have to let me go. And they did find out. They helped me get out. They didn’t believe one word he said because they knew who I was. Any interaction he had with them was all bad because he thinks he is better than everyone.
Anyway… I like to keep my things private.
Before I went silent… I was very social… I have always been good with people and very social… then I had all the deaths, and he was being beyond brutal and I had no help… then I got diagnosed with cancer…
I went raw with that… I posted it completely raw on Facebook …when I did that … every flooded to my side… everyone I had ever met or had interaction with, grabbed my hand to help me through that…
They wanted to do anything to help. I even had complete strangers jump in my life and help me through.
When I had to fight for that final surgery and collapsed on to the operating bed… that was when I went silent – it was a severe silencing…
I went from completely social to silence … kinda like after a tornado 🌪 hits … so much destruction but then right after, there is silence – that was me
I am still silent and I don’t like people coming close unless they can handle it. I can only have people around me that I trust and have a heart or “care”.
I am a very caring person, so I am just careful with who comes in my life. I don’t want to be hurt again.
With the cancer it was medical… with this it is not
I don’t even know if my police can help. I could say everything and tell them, and they might not be able to do anything because is not their area.
But they were my first step out… I am backed up against the wall and maybe they be another step I could take?
It’s just… I am so private. Which I do know is not good … but I want that peace at home and I am afraid of losing that. I worked so hard to get this far – and I am tired.
But I guess I don’t really have a lot of choices – just like before… so I guess I lay it out. Bleh
We see what happens. I will send him that tmrw. It will make me feel sick- he will know my life, and I don’t know if they can even help so could be for nothing – but I don’t know if I don’t try … so we see.
Learning Life 