😮 oh my goodness that was A HUGE truck!!!

I have driven big trucks before – but not like this one. And they kept saying – you can use for work 😮😄 … uhhhh nope

I will not ever complain about being behind a slow ass truck ever again lol… sometimes I think c’mon dude drive your truck lol… now I understand!! Lol I won’t think that anymore – now I will just be like … no worries let me pass you, carry on lol

Oh my god! That truck was big… I had to climb up into it… wasn’t so bad as a passenger…

But once got to airport… They unloaded all their luggage at the gate… was Alaskan Airlines… funny that they put that literally RIGHT next to Hawaiian Airlines lol … that would make me rethink Alaska 😄😄

Alaska is her home though – she is visiting family… I’m so jealous they are going to miss the heat wave – the one time Alaska sounds pretty good lol

Anyway… they had 2 gigantic pieces of luggage – 2 regulation size carry ons… she was wearing their neck pillows and carrying some small blankets with her purse and stuff – and then a gigantic dog crate (they have their dog too) – is some hunting type dog, I forget the breed but he is cool. Smart dog – young. 8 months I think ?

Alright so I drop them off and climb up into the drivers seat… the seats were heated lol …

I don’t know how to turn off the heated seats it’s a huge truck with like airplane controls – I swear! 😮

The side mirrors were like half the size of my whole body! 😮

Oh my god! That they make vehicles this big!!

But whatever …

SMF (Sacramento International Airport) is huge!! But really easy to navigate – whoever planned that out – nice job! Very easy!

Way fricken better than Logan in Boston 😝 or San Fran… but I am used to SMF also, it’s just clearly marked and has an easy flow, it was so early there was no traffic… I used 99 to come home and was quite nice

It just doesn’t have pick up like a car… is kind of a work horse truck!! Huge cab, huge back, with giant tool chest back there. The back window has this iron like netting – he uses it for work… he works for the power company I hate 😮😄😄

But I just got home, waking up the zombie 🧟‍♀️… gotta get dressed and off to work. Whew!

But yeah that thing is slow. And huge and it has a tow thing in the back and something in the front also that sticks out – I am not using that!! I will have to use it to pick them up – that’s in 2 weeks.

Alright I have to run. Back later

I have to go to bed. So early!! Meh! Must sleep for tomorrow!

Airport first thing… crazy early before sun is up!!

I think I’m going to come home, drop their truck off…

That way I can make sure my little woman is awake and getting ready for school… she will be handling herself tmrw. I trust her- she’s a good student and they have to attend online everything is “Google Meet”

She a sleeper though and has not discovered coffee yet lol

So I will make sure she is up, I can throw on my work clothes, doll up – and go

I will take my car – just cause thats a lot of miles and the area my car will be parked is not a good area. Is fine with my stuff, but I don’t want that for someone else’s.

They keep telling me just use their car, they know mine had problems before – I told them why I am not going to and their response was “that’s why we have insurance” 😮🙄😄

But I still feel better with my own…

Then I be off to work – Service tmrw … I know which family this is…

I took the initial call- this is the family I stayed late that night to help. If I remember correctly, is Catholic – so it’s gonna be sad and heavy.

But we see how goes.

Alright meh… bedtime… I feel like a little kid who doesn’t want to go to bed!!! Cause I don’t … but I have to

And tomorrow is Friday – boys coming ❤️

Friday is going to be exhausting! 😳

But I do have to get to bed. I am not catching up well at all!! I will at some point!

Gnite 😴

I’m quiet cause no crazy things are going on, so I am soaking up the quick moment of peace!

Tmrw is Friday – and it’s going to be a crazy day!!!

I have to bring some friends to the airport VERY VERY early in the morning… I have to LEAVE my house at 5am 😮

I will NEED coffee and a shower – plus get all dolled up for work… so I need at least an hour or so… which will wake me up at 3:30/4am 😮 I will have to go to bed sooo early tonight 😳😳😳 🙏🙏🙏

Cause after I drop them off at the airport… I have to go to work…

We should be at airport at 6am or so… we are using their car cause mine is not big enough… they have luggage and their dog.

So using their car which they said I can use while they are gone if I want… but I probably won’t. They have a pick up – double cab… and they have things in the back. I don’t trust the locations I work at to be secure.

The location I will be working at on Friday is really bad. So I am debating if I should just drive back home and grab my car. Then I can also make sure my woman is up for school 🤨 cause that is a thing too!!!

So I might do that… lots of driving … and then I have a service going on at 8:30 at gravesite … so whew heat Oh my god! Black jacket!!

We have to wear them unless the family specifically says “you don’t have to keep those jackets on” 🙏🙏🙏 please say that!!

From Saturday until Tuesday – the projected heat in my area will be between 110 to 115 Fahrenheit 😮😮😮 or 43 to 46 Celsius – god help me Oh my god! – turn off the heat already!!! Frying me!!! I love heat but c’mon!!!

They have me for 6 hours – and that’s it. So until about 1:30pm – I can’t have anymore hours until Saturday or I go into overtime… I accidentally had overtime last week … they didn’t realize it and I had it all approved. I didn’t realize either.

So I’ll get done about 1:30pm and then I’ll be home by 2-2:30pm … I “MIGHT” get a quick nap??? 🙏🙏🙏

Cause then it’s also Friday night! ❤️ and then I work all day Saturday

Whew my mind swims with everything!!

But today I do have to run to store later – otherwise I get to enjoy the peace …

I will have to run in the store 😮🤨😝 I only need 1 thing!!! I need nylons … always always always nylons with skirts – I have to look spot on Friday

Let’s see how that goes lol

Ok I have to run – School is starting in half hour 😐 lol

Alright so… I am still in thought somewhat… but here is what I am thinking…

I am almost free… I can almost be free of him.

I am not after money… only to survive – I was a stay at home mom… he lies and hides everything, buys trips to Disney, lavishes the kids – dangles money over their heads for their attention… he buys himself cars and homes and puts them in his mother’s name.

I was stay at home mom, he knows I don’t have the degrees and haven’t built a career – he knows he was the provider – he knows he has crushed me there…

He never has to answer to the courts for anything at all and still continues to come after me… I do everything the court requests and more. 21 year marriage. I do have proof of everything – but I don’t have money… just what I make from work and I need that to survive.

The lawyer says it will cost me money to go after him, and I don’t have that. He wins, he can have it all… if he wants to be less than a man after everything – then let him. One day karma will come

He can say whatever he wants, and obviously he does whatever he wants. The courts allow it because he is dirty and only out for pain. He has never ever been required to answer to the courts even when they put an order down – because I was fighting for my life, losing my family and I had no one fighting for me… I had a lawyer but he didn’t pay her and I couldn’t

I am almost free… I just want to walk away and be done with him.

Look what I survived through … I went through years of abuse with him… sometimes not knowing if he was going to kill me or not – talk about sleeping with the enemy. He was an alcoholic and cheater… so I am happy to be away from him with my life!

I also lost my family and went through cancer while he continued to come after me… I am the mother of his kids and I was a good wife and mother… I am still a good mother… how you treat anyone the way he has, I do not know. I would never even treat a stranger that way!!

But I am still standing, I am still alive – he did not kill me… and I may struggle right now… but I am strong and without him – only stronger… so let him try to crush me.

He will come after my daughter cause he wants to make sure I am fully crushed – it’s not the money … it’s my kids.

He also knows that is the one way to take me down is with the kids.

But… here’s the thing with that… they had that conversation with me that night and one thing that was said was …

He had been a horrible father their entire life, and now he’s being good to them.

Well I gave my whole life to them, putting them above myself… when they said that… I felt like it was all for nothing, my whole life. 💔

So… I needed some time to absorb and rethink… I will always truly love and be available to my kids always! I would do anything for them. I have always stood strong with them and for them.

They can make their own decisions and proceed how they feel is best for them – I know they are caught in the middle. I raised them with compassion and to love him, even through his faults. I raised them too good.

So whatever – I am almost free … I have gotten stronger through everything and I’m creating quite the world for myself ❤️ I am doing that!

Whatever he is giving to them currently – let him.

I just want to be done and move on with my life – which I am making quite amazing… in 3 years I stand pretty strong especially almost losing my life.

I will do better without him and every day I grow a little more.

Is sad to see these things are able to be done in a court of law and unless you have money- good luck. And if your ex is Satan (which is what he will always be to me) you just want to get away. I am tired.

I run in fear of him with everything… I am tired of that… so take what you will… and I will move on and have an amazing life without him in it.

I do worry about him taking my daughter … that still strikes fear cause I don’t trust the courts

He is currently trying to say my daughter is not safe with me from corona, because I work. I am safe and follow every precaution! Every single one always!!! When I am not working we don’t leave the house.. I even have her home schooled with little office area set up for her.

If anyone should be afraid of corona – it is me… I had cancer… he just wants to make sure I can not survive… if I don’t work, I won’t survive. And if I don’t work he comes after me… so what exactly you want me to do? It’s the only thing he really has to come after me with, but I also don’t put anything past him – he is bad.

I tell you he is Satan!! He makes up anything he can to make me seem like a horrific person, yet it is him. How does a father do that to the kids? It is out of vengeance – he won’t send over clothes or anything they need, nothing so that I struggle even more – he wants to cut me at the knees… I would have never done anything like that to him and I have NOT – but he continues and he won’t stop.

So at this point, I just want to be free of him – I am so tired

I listened to a Indian man speak about things he went through, it was on YouTube – but the way he saw life kinda touched me. When you have good karma – you just do… I have had many bad things happen in life – but my karma is amazing!!!

And while I am not rich in money… I am rich with people ❤️ I have really good general karma. It’s only Satan who creates drama which I am used to by now.

So like I said – I don’t have money to fight him so I can’t make him answer to anything… and I can afford too much with the lawyer / I had to borrow that money from my brother and my landlord – even though he is court ordered to pay legal counsel – this is trial so I guess that’s different ? And he hasn’t listened to the courts for anything all this time. Just how it goes – he is evil and will do anything for himself. I married wrong and I stayed too long. My fault. No other excuse

So let him be less than a man. I don’t know him any other way. Par for the course

I just want to be free and get away from him. Daughter has 5 more years … then I be even free’er!! ❤️🙏 he won’t have a hold to terrify me with

I know who I am, and I know how strong I am… I know who I am as a person and no one is going to change who I am or my morals unless it is for the better, not worse.

I will never be as bad as he is. I have never come across a more awful human being in my entire life. Let him deal with his own karma. I see him as less than a man, and also I see him as the human form of Satan.

I do not forgive him for anything he has done or tries to still do. Nope not happening— don’t even ask for it… not that I harbor any anger or whatever else… but he is now nothing to me at all… I just want away from him – I don’t want anything to do with his evil.

So anyway, still thinking – but that’s where I am right now. Just tired – I work very hard. ✌️

I am silent currently cause is heavy and I am rebuilding from scratch. Only to be bigger and better. One day… you watch – I be that Phoenix 🔥🦅🔥 ✌️

I had a small service today… it was for a man from China 🇨🇳

I don’t really know too much about China other than what I hear or see on the news or in documentaries…

Anyway… this man raised his nephew here in the United States …

That nephew loved his uncle soooo much – the love just poured out… Oh my god! 😮😮😮

I have never ever seen such love like that!! Like adored beyond what you would or could even imagine!!

Not only that but the traditions are incredible and so respectful!! Oh my god! Wow!! My respect!! Totally!

Everything… every single little tiny thing I helped this nephew with… he bowed and said thank you many times!! 😮 that humbled me… beautiful and also touching… he was so respectful thoughtful and kind. He made an impression!

It was open casket. I had to be there with him… as he placed many MANY things in the casket to go with him… the nephew placed things for the afterlife- or whatever they believe!!

I had write every single thing and make record of every little piece… and there was ALOT – took many pieces of papers!! We had to sign off on even the tiniest thing!!

All I could think of as he came and showed me each item… and I wrote it down…

Was wow!! That man has such a devoted person who loves him with all his heart – look what his nephew does!! He didn’t forget one thing!! Not one!! There was beauty, thoughtfulness and love behind every single thing he placed!! Every single thing!!

Their traditions are incredibly thoughtful and beautiful!!! It was incredible!! Whoa 😮

Everyone should be so lucky to have someone love and respect you so incredibly much to do what that man did for his uncle! I have never seen anything like it… seriously!!

I wanted and wished to bring him back to life for his nephew.

They also had a ritual they did but we gave them privacy with that. I won’t speak of that cause is private – but also very touching and beautiful!!!

I am impressed China 🇨🇳- that is beautiful!! And touching… Wow!

I wish we could all just cherish the whole as a people – we have no idea the things we miss when we don’t… we miss so much and you have no idea!

At the end… he and his wife came over to me and handed me this red envelope written in Chinese … when he handed it to me he said “this is for you, this is for health and prosperity” and we bowed. I said thank you.

I have not opened the envelope, I do not know what’s in it. But it’s special to me – it’s beautiful… it’s red and shiny… it has Chinese writing on it, written in gold, which I can not read. But it is beautiful – I will save that always!! ❤️

I am touched and I hold on to for health and prosperity 🙏 definitely!! I don’t want to open it because I want to just save it ❤️ I want to keep that!

I am not ready to open it – I just want to keep it. It is beautiful! I will always think of all of this, with that envelope!

I have never seen such devoted love ever before – what beautiful, loving and touching traditions … no matter what you believe – to want your loved one taken care of like that , in life OR death – just took my breath away… Even my words do not explain just how beautiful that was!! So incredibly thoughtful and respectful!!

As he left – it was a little funny… cause by now I was used to bowing lol… so he kept saying thank you and bowing and so did I, lol… and that is how he departed lol

I wish that would be how we all are in life – and also death! To respect both aspects – just wow!! Impressed! Kinda blown away by that whole thing!

Wow! I have nothing else to say other than I was impressed and blown away! ❤️ the care and love I saw today was incredible! So yeah – totally blown away!

Think of how the world could be with just an ounce of that?!

It was just very beautiful!Imagine to be respected and loved in that way?! 😮 that would take your breath away! Wow!

See the things we could learn from each other? Where is that? Why can’t we do that?!

Take the best things from everyone! Can you imagine? Every culture has something to contribute… Imagine how incredible the world would be if that was the case!? The world would be incredible for once!

I am readjusting. I am ok. Just rethinking. I’m almost there. I’m doing ok. Building character that’s all.

I will be back.

I work again today. Yesterday at work, I have 2 big boxes of paperwork I am going through.

I have to go through each file and check everyone’s paperwork – make sure we have all signatures and all legal documents. I verify every SINGLE paper, signature, and legal document, put them in order, then scan it. It takes a long time for each file.

I just got lost in paperwork so just zoned on that.

The odd thing about that was the first few files … all the people were MY age … all born the same year I was 😮 … the first 5 files, all of them was my exact birth year!! That was weird – but whatever coincidence right?

I kept working through the files. Then the next few oddly were the year my mother was born… there were 3 of those, after the 5 that had my birth year

Ok well that is weird but whatever – I kept going.

Then after those 3, the next 2 were my grandparents birth year. Just made me think of my family… and it was odd how they were in that box in order like that with those birth years.

They are just randomly in that box, I was pulling out each file as it was in there. It was just odd.

The final file I pulled… did not have a familiar birth year that meant anything to me… but that persons “date of death” – was my ex’s birthday.

It was really weird how in unison those files were like that. Every file I pulled!

All the girls just randomly put them in there – and they have no idea when my birth year is, or my moms, or my grandparents … nor does anyone know my ex’s birthday. (I never speak of him)

They are banker boxes 📦 full of files… and not in any order. I start at the front and work my way through. So it was just weird that every file I did – hit me for a minute. I was all by myself.

Anyway, I be working again today.

In the meantime – I am just silent. But ok. I am thinking. Like I said, building character.

During lunch I looked up YouTube for something and found something else… I ended up watching this Indian guy speak about a few things… it made me think. I had never heard of him before – but his words kinda ring in my head. It was a short video… but he had some really deep thoughts he shared… I liked his words and what he said. I like that guy.

Then I didn’t want to think about stuff. I need to step away from that every so often.

So I switched to tv and watched some show about hospital hauntings and things like that… which is probably NOT the best thing to watch, when you are all by yourself at a funeral home!!

Then I just worked and kept going through all the files.

I am just quiet for right now. I’m almost there. I’ll be fine.

I have to get ready for work. I might be back later tonight after work. I’m not sure though cause the silence for a moment helps me process and then adjust. So I am fine – just adjusting. I am in deep thought.

The silence helps keep my mind clear and focused so I can see my path? But don’t worry, I am fine- I am always fine. I am strong always. Life happens… And it is ok to take a moment here and there. I’ve had a lot of trauma so just readjusting self ✌️

I just need a little time to readjust. I am too overwhelmed currently.

I feel I need a little isolation. I just feel quiet. I know that’s not good. It will be fine – I just need some time. I’m always ok, don’t worry.

I just need that peace for a little while.

I will be back… but right now I just want to withdraw 😢 I’ll be fine, I’m always ok. But I need that right now.

I will be back eventually – just taking a little time. Thank you always for your kind words, you all have just been amazing ❤️ I just need a little time.

So had court this morning…

I will be meeting with new lawyer again in September to set down what I want and game plan.

I am losing hope.

They set trial date for next March … and says only need one day.

Uhhh no – cause this will be a fight between both. He won’t want what I want – and I will not want what he does… are you kidding – he wants everything!

I still have a good feeling with this lawyer and he is really respected and very honest and a good guy! I get a really good vibe from this lawyer.

I know he is not out to come after money.

But because I was unable to fight at all while I was losing my family and going through cancer – it has now been 3 years. So I don’t know maybe I have no hope. It’s sounding like that.

Lawyer says will cost me money to make him answer to court.

I kinda feel like he is telling me to just let him have everything to save me money now.

I’m sorry but what he did while I was down is not right to do to any human being… I don’t care who you are.

I don’t know, I am losing hope and my belief in things – this is why I do not trust ANYONE!!

How a system can allow what has gone on… I don’t understand… I don’t understand any of it

Well I do actually – he has all the money so he hides it and then pays for his own lawyer. While I have had no protection from him.

I was a stay at home mom. Raised the kids, and everything else and that means nothing

So my life was just basically worth “nothing” because I was a mother and wife – I put all of them above myself and here I stand

I want him answering to the court – so whatever I have to come up with as far as money – I will figure it out.

But ya know I lose hope. And also belief in things