This would be one of those musical scavenger hunts by “A Guy Called Bloke”

Mixitup and Playme Now!

Only I didn’t read down far enough to see he only wanted 5 songs lol… I got too excited to see it again and went for the full 10 lol ❤️✌️ picking these I wasn’t sure which way to take it but… I suppose it is perception at the moment right?

Whatever … here is my “to be or not to be” list…

1.) Queen – Bohemian Rhapsody … because it sounds very theater-ish … and with “to be or not to be” … I think of Shakespeare and theater lol so this one first …

youtube.com/watch

2.) Edwin McCain – I’ll be … because “to be”

youtube.com/watch

3.) Bebe Rexha – Meant to be … because again “to be” lol

youtube.com/watch

4.) Mr. Big – To be with you … just a little repetition, still “to be”- I will get to “or not to be” lol

youtube.com/watch

5.) Meghan Trainor – Me too … I had to add this one under “to be” I find this song both funny, fun and inspiring Lol 😄✌️so let’s place this here …

youtube.com/watch

6.) Lorde – Royals … because we will never be royals so “not to be” lol … although America about to have their very first English royal born here ❤️

youtube.com/watch

7.) SAYGRACE – You don’t own me … “not to be”

youtube.com/watch

8.) Billie Eilish – There for I am … “not to be”

youtube.com/watch

9.) Marshmallow & Anne Marie – Friends … “not to be”

youtube.com/watch

10.) Falco – Rock Me Amadeus … lol … because I feel like it just goes well in this “to be or not to be” category? Because Amadeus was Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart … so I just feel like is an equal in music to Shakespeare in plays? And Falco just modernized it lol … plus blast from the past for the final one …

youtube.com/watch

Not a particularly exciting day. But I am firey sometimes with some things … because I take some things very seriously –

Like business lol … perhaps I am cut throat?? – you don’t expect that to know me or see me… but yes

If I choose to deal with you – you better be good lol 😘✌️

So I ordered this beautiful purple flower arrangement – with 3 happy birthday Mylar balloons 🎈🎈🎈 and 3 purple regular balloons to be included with a Teddy Bear 🧸

Purple because she loves purple… balloons to make her feel special… and a teddy bear to be a hug from us in California ❤️😘

I paid for delivery before 12 noon…

There was nothing.

So I messaged and they sent me email and said would refund the expedited shipping… and then 8pm Texas time comes and STILL nothing…

So I call this time – now you waste my time twice and now I have to speak to you… not pleased – so be on your game – I am the customer – you better make me happy … I’m giving you my money.

So they tell me how would I like to fix the problem …

I would like the order doubled for free – you did not follow through with your agreement at all.

They say we can not do that and couldn’t do the delivery until Monday

Then cancel that order and refund everything!!

They are cancelling and refunding.

And then if that is how you want to play in business – then ok … let’s go.

youtube.com/watch

I yelped them and gave the story and also reviewed them on other sites as well.

As I was annoyingly leaving all my reviews … I read other reviews and they had same issue… or if was actually delivered sometime this century, the flowers were wilted 🥀

I am glad I cancelled – I should have read reviews first – but I work with florists – I handle funerals … my florists would never ever EVER give subpar service or subpar product

I have never had issues with florists before!!

So… do not do business with

“From you flowers”

It will be late or wilted 🥀 unless your into that lol

They did not offer any apology or way to make it up. And done – never again. Zero customer service or care for their business – marked Scam

So dealt with that earlier 🤨 waste of my time.

And that is why businesses fail… if you don’t take care of your customers – you are not gonna last long. That is called customer service – customer relations… some companies have zero idea how to do this properly? It’s like common sense but then again it’s 2021 so instead I will just warn others

I definitely take business dealings very seriously- both personal and business. So careful if I choose you. I’m tough. You do not want me on you! Lol ✌️

I did not research first 🤨 shame shame

youtube.com/watch

I have been preparing for my staycation lol and handling some of my things otherwise.

Tmrw I go to hotel 😮 it will be nice. I will be close to work. In the city, but close to work.

I won’t have to use any highways this week ❤️ sweet ❤️

youtube.com/watch

I’m excited but also little nervous about something? Or everything ?? I don’t know?

Oh my coworker texted me earlier … the one from yesterday and she said this:

I just want to thank you again for all the effort you made to make my anniversary so special – it was all you and I appreciate it so, so much💕
I’m not looking for a response to this text either 😉

❤️ awww 🥰 I am very lucky to have her ❤️ and I also feel we work strongly together and they are supportive of me as well… and when your employees are happy and appreciated – they work hard ❤️

youtube.com/watch

Well at least making one feel special went well ❤️

Anyway… my last night at home this week until Friday 😮 and I’m not staying at a funeral home lol

My boss when I mentioned I was staying in hotel this week said “You should have said something – haunted mansion has working shower and complete home quarters” lol

I didn’t think of that but it is haunted mansion which is the most beautiful … but also the most creepy lol plus LOTS of homeless in the area making it little scary – yes scary! Many have mental issues in that area so I would be a little nervous staying there by myself? At night – during the day is fine… I do not know about night?

youtube.com/watch

I would like sleep this week lol but that was a really nice offer ❤️

Anyway I guess that’s it? I am very mediocre ??? I am not overly happy, but have amazing… and then I have bad too, so I am kinda mellow from that?? So it has me mediocre?

youtube.com/watch

(That song reminds me of my brother lol ❤️ he used to be obsessed with them – he played that song all the time! It feels mellow to me… so that is my song ❤️✌️)

Gnite 😘✌️

Well… it was a good day… but there was amazing and also bad.

First, this morning on highway I almost died 😮 I was in a lane to change on another highway and a huge semi was merging in behind me and car in front out on brakes… trucker almost went right into my rear 😮

So my heart beat almost out of my chest. But it was fine he swerved and we moved forward – and obviously I am still alive 😘✌️

Whew!!! Not yet

Then – one of my girls had a work anniversary … plus yesterday she passed her directors exam ❤️❤️ she is a director now

So I got the office breakfast 🍳… from IHOP …

And then she got an edible arrangement with a balloon 🎈 it was beautiful and yummy ❤️

And then a huge bouquet of purple flowers came for her ❤️

She cried and said no one had ever made her feel so special before – no one ever did that for her …

I said well we appreciate you and enjoy working with you. Just like my letters – we show you how much we love you ❤️

And she cried some more … we all hugged – fuck covid – we all vaccinated ❤️ and we still masked

To see her humbleness was kinda also beautiful ❤️ and I’m glad we made her day and made her feel really special and loved and appreciated ❤️

She’s amazing – she’s hilarious – we are always smiling and laughing lol ❤️ she’s a hard and good worker. I have like THE best staff ❤️

They laughed when I said that and said it only took them forever to get to this point …

So I replied “hey, a Diamond 💎 doesn’t form overnight” 😄✌️

They totally agreed ❤️ because I have diamonds with these girls … I just love my staff!!

So she had a really wonderful day ❤️ I’m so glad – she deserves it ❤️

And then … I have bad news … this one scares me.

My sister in law (brothers wife) goes in for a hysterectomy on Tuesday because they think she may have uterine cancer 😮

She is terrified – I remember how that was…

There is just a fear that is right in your heart … and you are faced with the possibility of … just bad things – you know is not going to be easy … you half be strong and half crumble inside…

She has that terror. 😢💔

Her birthday is tmrw – I sent her flowers and a teddy bear 🧸

And for Wednesday – The day after her surgery… I have food from New England being delivered ❤️ comfort from home (they are in Texas now – New England is our home) or what used to be.

I found a place that will deliver food from anywhere in the country – so you can feel like you are home.

I sent them food from Massachusetts – I was going to do Maine … but it was all seafood and probably not the best option (plus ewww)

Instead I sent a chicken pot pie and things like that… so when she is down – they have comfort from home ❤️ I hope it makes her feel better and my brother and nephew will have an easy meal 🥘

Tons of people brought me food when I was sick, it was very helpful!! ❤️

So anyway, I do feel fear because I keep losing my family… that just sends this awful horror over me. Stop making them die!! I still want them and that’s my brothers wife …

She has been my sister since 2009… but he was dating her back in the 1990’s – he met her in college.

She’s the best thing that ever happened to him and she’s been a wonderful addition to our family… well just us now. But she’s always amazing.

It sorta makes my heart bleed?? It’s the fear.

It’s funny – I don’t particularly fear my own death… just theirs

I also don’t like that she feels that terror… to know that someone feels THAT terror… makes my heart bleed – I don’t want anyone to have to know what that feels like!!

So anyway… I hope the gifts lift her spirit like others did for me during my moments – including her ❤️

The kids came over and I told them all the stories from the week… and nothing is new with them so we just kinda hung out – I told them about their aunt.

Bleh. My nephew is 10.

Also… she wanted to have another child. That will be gone now. So she is very very upset too. That has been something she wanted for a couple years now. But it was never the right time and also she had medical issues with it. She was lucky to get my nephew.

So ya know. Is sad and hard

And then I told the kids about my meeting at work which actually I was so panicked and nervous about – but it went amazing

When the leader saw my books, she said OMG you have been working your pretty little ass off hard

Yes mamm! Lol yes I did!!!

And it went really well!! ❤️ I did good ❤️✌️

I got more letters today too. Still blown away by everyone’s words ❤️

So we see

I have more – but not now. I am exhausted.

I have to get up early and complete some of my own chores and then handle few things … Sunday I go to hotel ❤️

Little respite and staycation ✌️ it should be nice ❤️

So today went ok… I did not die, I made someone feel really special – who totally deserved it, I got scary news on my sister in law. My reports went really good. And I got to hang with my kids ❤️

I will be back periodically when able … once I can get all my stuff done I will be back ✌️then I can read and stuff

Take care, stay safe and make sure you tell people you love them ❤️ or what they mean to you… while you can 😘✌️

youtube.com/watch

Today on my way into work ❤️ … the radio DJ said “Happy Friday Eve” ❤️❤️❤️❤️ OMG that is what I will now be saying instead of Thursday ❤️❤️❤️

Yes!! Doesn’t that just make Thursday sound amazing ❤️ so yes … Thursday is now “Friday Eve”

Lol … I just said “Friday Eve” out loud lol… and my daughter says “oh god no not Friday Eve, do not say that!! My teachers say that and it’s so dumb” 😄😄

But I love “Friday Eve” ❤️❤️❤️ sorry … I am already in love with “Friday Eve” 😄❤️

Had some office drama at work 🙄 ah ya know – whatever

They hired this guy… and he is not doing well and is a half ass’er… do you know what that is?? He half asses it 🤨 does bare minimum that he has to.

Listen Buddy … either you pull your weight and be on it… or you done. He is already being talked about … when his boss comes back he will be eaten alive if he does not shape up. We do not have room for half ass’ers …

If you want to half ass shit … dealing with peoples funerals is not the place. So get it together. No half ass’ers

They were gonna put over to me at my location and I say – uhhh no! We already question him. Very unprofessional – we are serious with work at my location – he would never survive with us.

And then they say “what? Why you say that” and so I tell them.

I have a little intel from several angles on this guy – so we gonna see. Not sure he will be good. Eyes on you buddy. What you doin?

He is NOT coming to my location – my girls would eat him alive – he would be done. And I will NOT accept a half ass’er and I am NOT gonna babysit a grown man 🤨 nope 👎

Whatever and then oh just managers 🙄 everyone has to have a pissing contest for some reason??

That is a saying here that means people try to see who’s best.

Screw that, can we just be a team? There is no competition. Other than who’s numbers look the best which will be mine lol 😄✌️ but really yes lol ✌️❤️ because I am the best lol … I am totally kidding – I just wanted to fit in because I am office “manager” lol … but my numbers are outstanding ✌️😘 I work very hard and many late hours!!

Not to mention I still learn and I am still digging out of the mess …

Also… not only do I do that… but I had that fire inspection the other day… this dude!! 🤨 he wants me to have it fixed in 30 days but he is useless with information!!!

He give me a small list of things to do – like spraying the curtains with fire retardant …

He tell me I have to buy one that has the seal of the California fire inspector… and to check with him

So yesterday I went to Home Depot – they didn’t have any thing – I called Lowe’s and same shit!

So then I email him and all he say is go to Amazon 🤨

Fine so I find one… I do not know what this symbol or seal he is talking about … I do not work at the fricken fire department!!! I work at the funeral home!!! I do not know fire shit!!! I am trying to comply … so are you gonna do your job and help me or not?

And yes I will go line by line for next 30 days … welcome to my world 💋✌️ you better be on game with me at work. I am a little fierce thing 😘✌️ be on your game.

So anyway … I fricken find one … it’s fricken a lot of money… so before I buy that shit – YOU need to tell me if that is compliant

He writes back and says:

Thank you for your patience. Looks good to me. However, keep in mind that the spray follows exactly the manufacture recommendation in what it is being applied towards. Hope this helps.

And then he adds make sure it has the seal… and then he tells me to save the recipe lol

Ok none of that helps!! That is not what I asked. I asked if this had that seal and would be compliant… I’m not spending that kinda money if he not going to tell me… and then he say save the recipe?? You mean receipt ?? I save ALL my receipts 🧾 – I am an office manager … of course I do that!!

You want to give me a fricken list to comply with, then help me comply.

So of course he panic me cause hello – once again let me say … I don’t fight fires 🧯 I don’t know your fire stuff 😠

Here come do my funeral stuff see how you do. What would you know? So like that…

So I write him back and I say that… I do not know your fire things or this seal you speak of, before I spend that money please look at what I sent you and tell me if that is or is not compliant

Then he tells me yes finally … ok can you just say that then… and then would be end of story. And I can move forward 🤨

And yes I am going to ask him about every single detail because I want complete compliance! And yes I will make him work with me on this. That is what you are supposed to do when someone is trying to comply to what you say … so get with the game – I want this done!!

youtube.com/watch

We be opening soon and I have 30 days here – don’t F around … I want our families taken care of and not have any issues with my funeral home. We getting ready for “possible” reopen. So let’s get this done.

I do think is wrong to reopen just yet but whatever – they gonna do whatever so I am bracing for next round of death. Just give it a minute – we just leveled – please wait! But again whatever. They don’t care or listen – so whatever. They gonna do it anyway no matter what my opinion is – I just never want to see that much death again… that was insane!! Easy does it!! But whatever – I have to roll with it… so all this has to be completed … it has to be completed anyway – but let’s handle this.

Oh and then I have to take my hearse in for routine maintenance 🤨 now since they crashed the other hearse – I do not trust the dealership… I have to make appointment with them tmrw and you better believe I will say “please do not crash my hearse!”

… so whatever – I dealt with that and also … I have meeting tmrw from 4-5 where MY boss is responsible for answering for my books 📚… all of our books… we have to explain every case.

Mine will be golden except ONE… which I have a heat ticket in to advise. Basically that just means that I am waiting for help desk to get in touch with me so we can handle this case. But I can explain everything about the case! So that is tmrw.

I’m ready. My location looks good from what was – I have improved it so my call should be quick ❤️ hopefully 🙏

I had to work late tonight and didn’t get home til late… I walked in the house and everything was cleaned and put away and smelled amazing … I had a sub sandwich dinner waiting for me 😮❤️❤️❤️ I didn’t even have to make dinner – she did all of it for me ❤️

OH MY GOD!!! My little woman did all that for me… so ❤️❤️ I just hugged her and made huge deal, kinda cried and then said thank you ❤️❤️❤️ awww my baby ❤️ melted me right there ❤️

So that really just totally made my Friday Eve ❤️❤️❤️

youtube.com/watch

I had to stop for gas today … I have to stop every 2 days or so for gas ⛽️ 🤨 whatever …

So I stopped at “my” gas station

I was pumping my gas… and when I looked up… I see that guy … he was at the door about to come over to my pump lol probably to say hello??

But then a buncha customers came so he couldn’t lol …

Awww

Well ya know, he is always very kind to me… so whatever … fine … I will go say hello – I’ll get a drink lol …

I don’t really get the feeling he hits on me?? I just don’t ?? I think he is just kind… there is a difference. (I think?)

So I went in to get a drink after I gassed up … and I could see his smile through his mask and he says hello … I waved and said hello back and went and got my drink

When I went to check out, he say to me “I recognized your car and saw you, I was gonna come say hi” lol

I just had the drink which was only a dollar and then he throws in 2 donuts 🍩 🍩 😮 (I don’t usually eat donuts)

But he says here you have these for breakfast tmrw lol

Lol dude … you don’t have to keep giving me things! Lol he is too sweet

Very nice man. I just do not get the vibe he hits on me – I don’t know I am probably very naive here??

But there is a difference I think?

Between just being nice and a nice person … and hitting on

And I don’t get that vibe… but then I think of how he is with me and then the things he does?? And I am not totally sure?? Lol

Whatever – I’ll figure it out eventually

I love this gas station though – is never crazy busy at pumps ⛽️… store is sometimes but pumps not busy when I have been there

He gave me a customer card that saves you money every time you get gas or shop there lol… so I do that and it saves me money on gas❤️❤️❤️

My gas at this gas station tonight was about $3.65… but I paid $3.40 because of that card ❤️ fricken gas 🤨 fricken California

Can’t you fight over oil again and make the prices drop – lol … or drop them anyway? Lol … if you can drop them when you are fighting … why can’t you drop them now?

Fricken gas!! And speaking of which – where is my full service!?!!!! I am still waiting on that here!! C’mon!! Why have they not brought that back!!!!!! Especially now!!!

Whatever

But also this gas station is right off the highway 🛣 so is very easy for me to get gas on way home, so no worries tmrw morning 😊

So I do love the location and the peace at the pumps, and he’s really nice 😊👍 … so easy does it though… I don’t want it to be too much and overwhelm me.

If he’s hitting on me and I don’t realize it … I just don’t want that.

I am a quiet person. At work I handle things non-quietly lol … I am social at work… that is work. They have my back ❤️

On my own… outside of work…I am quiet. Friendly and kind but just quiet.

I smile a lot and my eyes are very 🤨 telling of all my emotions, which I hate!!

If I smile – immediately you see my eyes smile 🤨 … I am Irish 🤨 I have Irish eyes 🤨 they tell everything!!! You can hide nothing!!!

If I am mad or sad same thing 🤨 whatever emotion it is – you can see it in my eyes 🤨

Every emotion in the fricken eyes 🤨 even with a fricken mask!! I need to start wearing sunglasses too 🕶 lol

youtube.com/watch

… but generally I am just quiet – I smile and be polite – get what I need and leave. I am always alone.

When he first started talking to me he was little awkward … but I also have this thing where people feel at ease with me the instant I open my mouth 🤷‍♀️

I don’t know why that happens? It has always happened and aids me at work with comforting ❤️

So I don’t know on that?? I am still observing his behavior lol … careful!

Also you don’t have to keep giving me things lol … that is very sweet but not needed. I don’t want to feel obligated ever. I will still always be honest. So just know that. I will say something if he keeps doing it. He always catches me off guard with it though. But I am also very careful.

At work today … one of my girls gave me a letter of character reference … omg – what she wrote about me ❤️❤️❤️ I don’t even know what to say I am humbled completely ❤️❤️❤️

She just also blew me away – all these letters do!!! 😮😮😮

She said so many incredible things … they all do… I am gonna censor sensor this letter, all identifiers that were in the letter – I took out.

Here is her letter:

I have know Trisha for a little over a year, when she came to work for our company as a part timer, and became full time as of December 2020. We spend 8 hours a day, in same office with desks right next to each other.

Trisha is a very conscientious employee. She is extremely kind and courteous to everyone who calls or comes to our funeral home. Trisha always looks good and is quick to come to the defense of others. She is dependable, competent and takes initiative. Trisha is not afraid to say she is sorry if she makes an error. She does not try to put blame on others.

Spending a significant amount of our days together, I have come to know her on a more personal level. She loves her children fiercely. She is generous and gregarious. One of the attributes I appreciate most about Trisha is her consistent demeanor. There is never a question what her mood will be when she arrives at work.

I am thankful for Trisha. My life is richer because of her.

And then she signed her name

😮😮😮😮 so yeah all my letters go like that … from my police to friends to school to work… all of them say things like that – which blow me away

Hmm… so… when I had my cancer – I got to see the outpouring of people come to my aid?? It was a massive outpouring which is what overwhelmed me little

During my cancer… it helped me because during my low points or scary moments those people were there

You know how they say that when bad things happen you see who your true friends are?? Well I still didn’t, because everyone was there for me!! Are they all my true friends? Not sure

But with the cancer … I got to see how loved I was when I wasn’t dead.

I wish people did that without a sickness or a death…

People should know how much they mean to you before it is too late!! Don’t wait – make sure you always say!!

And then now… here I need these letters… and they are pouring in 😮😮😮

And again… I am humble and very touched to read the things they say!! Maybe these letters just all have to be nice?? I told them please be honest.

So I am once again humbled with the support and encouragement ❤️ once again I get to see what I mean to them…

Who gets that twice in a lifetime 😮😮😮😮 I just did 😮 ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

I need to play the fricken lottery lol – I’m kidding I don’t usually do that

Anyway twice in a lifetime ❤️ yeah I am very rich with people in my lifetime ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Let me also add… if it was not for some of these people – I absolutely would not have survived …

I am also very sentimental and thoughtful – so I do appreciate people also ❤️❤️❤️ I do let them know how I feel

They make me feel like this:

youtube.com/watch

❤️❤️❤️❤️

I am humbled and just … twice now I see what I mean ❤️ so that kinda chokes me a little?

Don’t wait for a massive event to let someone know how you feel about them… uplift them now. There is not a lot of that… but there should be. People need that… what you might think is nothing … is everything to someone else 😘✌️ ❤️

youtube.com/watch

Alright… Tuesday went well – mostly ❤️

So… I had to call lawyer and speak to one of the paralegals … that was a lot – it’s going to be crazy insane!!! So I am not sure what to expect?? I am still scared and nervous.

I am more protected than I have ever ever been ❤️ so I do have peace on that ❤️

youtube.com/watch

It is hard because the lawyer makes me tell them everything and those things sometimes make me cry.

Luckily for me, I work at a funeral home and crying is a normal thing lol ✌️😘

I did during my lunch break though so that was good thinking 👍

And then work itself went well – I just had a gazillion meetings 🤨 really long meetings about emails they already mentioned everything they speak about 🤨

Whatever lol … I just try to get work done… I have more meetings tmrw 🤨🙄

We setting up for reopening 😳

We just had Carpets cleaned full cleaning … I had fire inspection, fixed our audio visual equipment … so yeah we ready. Bleh … I still handling things but we ready.

I have list for my maintenance guy… just many little things. Except one door!! It is a double 🚪 🚪 … it needs weather stripping and better lock 🔐

I have to work with the fire department and fix any issues they found… I have one fire extinguisher 🧯 that need to be mounted, I have to buy some fire retardant spray for fabrics and do our HuGE curtains 😳 that’s gonna be crazy.

The person who bought these curtains did not buy them from a commercial manufacturer which would have already had them treated with fire retardant … but whoever bought these bought them normally 🤨 so now I have work spraying curtains 🙄🤨

Luckily on that also – I have a part timer lol – I will delegate ✌️

I love my team – have I told you how amazing they are? ❤️❤️

I just work with the best people ever ❤️

youtube.com/watch

They are amazing ❤️ I love them ❤️

Also… all of them are writing me declarations of character for court … court did not ask for that … but my police did some, my school did some, my friends did some and all of these people do for me too ❤️

He says I am an awful person … so – I will bring many letters and declarations of who I am.

I can prove whatever you want!! So anyway – they are just doing that for me ❤️

Not that it will mean anything – but I want as much as I can about my character and my story and anything else I can think of.

I will show and prove everything so bring it. I just don’t trust them because he is slimy and dirty. So he does terrify me. Because the court has allowed it to be this bad!!

But I don’t know? This time might be different ? Because this is the first time anyone is fighting for me ❤️❤️❤️

We see.

youtube.com/watch

Ok so here comes March all marching in and shit 🤨

Even my Irish holiday is gonna fall smack dab in the middle of court things …

I have court thing on the 16th… which I am panicked with… I be in one room and he be in another. I am nervous with that – I do not want to see him.

Then the 17th is my Irish holiday ☘️ … St. Patrick’s day … however I take liberty because I am Irish so I am allowed to do that lol… plus I will do it anyway lol … we don’t drink at all on that day… we just celebrate Irish ☘️☘️☘️💚💚💚

Instead of St Patrick’s day … is “St Patty” for me lol ❤️ and for one day I allow people to call me Patty lol … usually only my family calls me that (I usually do not like it because it makes me feel 5 years old. Plus I have freckles and that DOES NOT HELP me out any) Patty is such a little girls name, but Patricia is such an old lady name lol… that is why I go by Trisha lol… that’s just right lol ❤️

But the 17th of March … was also the day I lost my school job ☹️

Anyway and then on the 19th, is a try to agree – which won’t happen, but you can try.

I actually have to face him in court so I find that hard to breath through – this was my abuser and then what he put me through and continues to do … I don’t want him ever seeing me again.

Done. Don’t think I am kidding – I want nothing to do with him ever ever ever again – and I won’t… end of story.

He has not seen me since all my surgeries and stuff… he knows he has just never seen – I will be sure to cover everything the fuck up!! I don’t want him seeing anything about me… I love that I get to wear a mask 😷

❤️❤️❤️ I love the mask ❤️❤️❤️

So … March 🤨

Marches in like a lion 🦁… right?

But goes out like a lamb? 🐑

So let’s see if that’s true? End of March omg I’m gonna be free ❤️❤️❤️ is coming ❤️❤️❤️

youtube.com/watch

Today was just weird – work was fine. But everything else was crazy 🤨… I like it better when work is crazy and my life is not lol … I do not like when my life is crazy.

So I wore pants to work – which I have been doing a lot, because I see no one so I do not have to get all dolled up lol 😘✌️

So I guess I wore good pants because everyone complimented them ??? I have worn them before and no one said a word, but today everyone did – ok whatever 🤷‍♀️

My daughter texting me all day – hey can you pick this up on way home? Oh and this? 🙄

Yup that’s fine lol… and then she texts me “hey how do I cook “this” 🤨 … listen lady… do not burn my house down lol

So I made her call me so I could walk her through cooking what she wanted to cook

And then on my way home I stop at grocery store… I did not order because these were requests done today – so I actually went INSIDE the store

Ok first of all let me say – nice pants or not… I threw my hair up on top of my head lol 🤫 … I wasn’t trying to impress anyone … and then I had my mask on too!! Also I worked all day so I think I look beat up 🤕 I was not looking dolled up thats for sure lol

And I’m at the grocery store inside so I am not thrilled lol… I want to get in and get out!!

I went to buy lotion and there was a man buying something? When he took it, he began to talk to me

And then he started telling me how he is photographer 🤨🙄 yeah I bet 😄😄🙄 ok keep going… Let’s see where this goes lol

Blah blah blah… would you be interested in photographs? blah blah blah, here is my card 🙄 whatever – do I look like I am 20? Because I am not that naive 🤨 ha! Photographer 🙄 yeah ok – that is like the oldest trick in the book ok whatever

But he did have a business card for it so maybe he tells truth but still – I do not take photos sorry ✌️

But he continued to walk and talk to me 😮

He was very nice – he was trying to be human. When he say photographer and blah blah blah lol … I made a face and smiled lol – I had a mask on … but you can see my reactions and emotions in my eyes 🤨 (that is a BIG problem for me!)

When I order online and just do pick up… no one can catch me or really see me.

Inside stores and stuff – I am catchable 🤨 I do not like being catchable – I do not want you to catch me. I am trying to be uncatchable lol

He was nice so whatever – but yeah no… I don’t need a photographer thank you lol 😄😄🙄 omg – funny though 😊❤️

He was nice and actually human – but ya know – I’m just being quiet right now. I’m not really ready especially right now… so not in March!! Not March!

And again – I think of that dating or relationship, and there is terror there still so… that will be a thing ✌️ but at least I know that. That’s ok … I’ll work through it eventually. Or it will just change because life does that ✌️

And I have homework to do tonight, so I can’t stay – it’s for court. I have to do that tonight.

Also… one of the court dates – we have to go into court – can I request not? I don’t want to see him or be in same room with him. He has terrorized me – I feel sick about it and every time I think about it – I feel nauseous and I have to breathe. So can I request to not go ? Telephone maybe? I don’t know if they will allow that but I hope so.

Alright well I have to do this homework. 😒

Ugh here comes the fricken week… well hello Monday 🙄

This song kept harassing me all day today!! Every time I turned around it was on the radio:

youtube.com/watch

Lol ❤️❤️❤️ I love it

I am way less sad as long as I do not have to see Satan. 😘✌️

And yes – I do still enjoy life’s moments … always have. ❤️

youtube.com/watch

Ok homework – I have to go or I will be up all night 😳 Gnite ✌️😘

So not the best Friday. That’s ok. They can’t all be amazing – sometimes life happens.

Work was good. Went well got major things handled.

Every week I have to do “outreach” … so I do one thank you to someone who went above and beyond for us – I send them something thoughtful and something that make them smile – I include a note thanking them – is like big network of people helping each other and we are very thankful and appreciative. We want to keep and cherish those relationships for possible future dealings

And then…

I have to do “outreach” for business 🤨😝 I hate that!!! I have to send a gift to places that can possibly refer families to MY funeral home … kinda makes me feel like I am hunting death? 🤨😝 I get it because you do need referrals and relationships with nursing homes, hospitals, doctors… I just feel weird… I know is a business. But it feels weird sending a gift to a nursing home with a card to say “hello, thought we would say hello and happy spring” and then I signed it with our funeral home name

Does that not sound creepy? Like I am after you? Lol … that makes me feel sorta creepy.

I love doing the thank you one, cause I get to pick thoughtful unique things to make someone feel special and appreciated – I love doing that … and then they want to help us again ❤️

But with the sending nursing home gifts to remind them we be there for them 😮 I just feel a little creepy

I am not working tmrw because Monday was cancelled. Which is fine because I am exhausted.

My landlord texted to say all water on property will be shut off not this week but the following week. Starting Sunday the 7th through Friday the 12th 😮 I can not go that many days without a good shower – forget that.

So I will think of something – ugh 🤦‍♀️

I left early to be with them longer. When I got home they were watching a documentary 😮😮😮 (well sorta – their type of documentary but that’s cool too)

It was this:

youtube.com/watch

I totally remember that!!

Then they watched their stuff. I put on something and they were bored so ok – do yours.

They did.

I had a conversation with oldest about what is happening – he is almost 27… he is not a child,; we can have conversation ? But no because he doesn’t want to be in middle

And I feel he’s just sitting by knowing his father is doing dirty… and doesn’t care

But his father bought him a car, pays for literally everything or anything he wants.

So ya know – I am not the one placing them in this position. You do what you want and what you think is right.

So… my heart bleeds a little. I don’t want to talk about it. I am just hurt. 🤫 💔

He HAS always been there for me and HAS helped me

I feel that it was not his place to have been put in that position and was not me who did that.

I feel hurt that he just stands by and let’s his father just tear me apart. Does nothing. Because then he would be in the middle he says.

But he was placed in the middle from the start – I did not do that – I was losing my family and battling cancer, and I just told them about my mom tonight and they just said nothing while I cried.

So he feels I am wrong to be hurt because he has helped me… well then I wish you didn’t help me… don’t do me any favors … I feel like that.

He also feels it is me who places him in the middle by saying anything… so ok… got it.

So I kinda feel like… I don’t know. I am thinking.

So not really Good Friday and I just want to cry and go to bed.

I literally gave my life up for my children, and I would give my life for them…

I would never let anyone I loved or even a complete stranger to be treated this way… so ok.

I don’t want it to feel like is hardening my heart because he has been there and cared for me… so in that aspect it kills me, and that’s my son

I feel grateful for that in those moments ❤️… he was amazing and kind and caring … and he is a good kid. He is/was so caring and helpful 💔

So now because of that – I am not allowed to say anything or feel anything – and that’s fine. I am used to silence

I get it – I get their position. Not a problem – I will be silent