So not the best Friday. That’s ok. They can’t all be amazing – sometimes life happens.

Work was good. Went well got major things handled.

Every week I have to do “outreach” … so I do one thank you to someone who went above and beyond for us – I send them something thoughtful and something that make them smile – I include a note thanking them – is like big network of people helping each other and we are very thankful and appreciative. We want to keep and cherish those relationships for possible future dealings

And then…

I have to do “outreach” for business 🤨😝 I hate that!!! I have to send a gift to places that can possibly refer families to MY funeral home … kinda makes me feel like I am hunting death? 🤨😝 I get it because you do need referrals and relationships with nursing homes, hospitals, doctors… I just feel weird… I know is a business. But it feels weird sending a gift to a nursing home with a card to say “hello, thought we would say hello and happy spring” and then I signed it with our funeral home name

Does that not sound creepy? Like I am after you? Lol … that makes me feel sorta creepy.

I love doing the thank you one, cause I get to pick thoughtful unique things to make someone feel special and appreciated – I love doing that … and then they want to help us again ❤️

But with the sending nursing home gifts to remind them we be there for them 😮 I just feel a little creepy

I am not working tmrw because Monday was cancelled. Which is fine because I am exhausted.

My landlord texted to say all water on property will be shut off not this week but the following week. Starting Sunday the 7th through Friday the 12th 😮 I can not go that many days without a good shower – forget that.

So I will think of something – ugh 🤦‍♀️

I left early to be with them longer. When I got home they were watching a documentary 😮😮😮 (well sorta – their type of documentary but that’s cool too)

It was this:

I totally remember that!!

Then they watched their stuff. I put on something and they were bored so ok – do yours.

They did.

I had a conversation with oldest about what is happening – he is almost 27… he is not a child,; we can have conversation ? But no because he doesn’t want to be in middle

And I feel he’s just sitting by knowing his father is doing dirty… and doesn’t care

But his father bought him a car, pays for literally everything or anything he wants.

So ya know – I am not the one placing them in this position. You do what you want and what you think is right.

So… my heart bleeds a little. I don’t want to talk about it. I am just hurt. 🤫 💔

He HAS always been there for me and HAS helped me

I feel that it was not his place to have been put in that position and was not me who did that.

I feel hurt that he just stands by and let’s his father just tear me apart. Does nothing. Because then he would be in the middle he says.

But he was placed in the middle from the start – I did not do that – I was losing my family and battling cancer, and I just told them about my mom tonight and they just said nothing while I cried.

So he feels I am wrong to be hurt because he has helped me… well then I wish you didn’t help me… don’t do me any favors … I feel like that.

He also feels it is me who places him in the middle by saying anything… so ok… got it.

So I kinda feel like… I don’t know. I am thinking.

So not really Good Friday and I just want to cry and go to bed.

I literally gave my life up for my children, and I would give my life for them…

I would never let anyone I loved or even a complete stranger to be treated this way… so ok.

I don’t want it to feel like is hardening my heart because he has been there and cared for me… so in that aspect it kills me, and that’s my son

I feel grateful for that in those moments ❤️… he was amazing and kind and caring … and he is a good kid. He is/was so caring and helpful 💔

So now because of that – I am not allowed to say anything or feel anything – and that’s fine. I am used to silence

I get it – I get their position. Not a problem – I will be silent

16 thoughts on “Silent

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    1. Yes it’s been awful. I know I can’t wait.

      So the water thing… she messaged me this shut off notice from the county … they are repairing some canal??? I was not even aware I had a canal somewhere – there is little tiny streams – but I have not seen a canal – I’m fricken inland … unless my definition of canal vs stream is different 🤷‍♀️???

      It actually says from the 7th to the 11th …but it also mentions to give at least 24 hours for recovery of water 🤨 so that would be the 12th 🙄

      I am really out in country away from stuff… bleh. That’s alright … I am thinking of my solution ✌️

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Hmm, if it’s your water supply then maybe the canal is feeding a reservoir a few hundred miles away. That’s still a long time without water, so, hopefully the water company are setting up water tankers. Stay well!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I have no idea actually?- I am in country, so it’s very different than civilization lol

        Hahaha you did make me smile and laugh saying maybe they setting up water tankers lol – yeah right lol … no way … they give you ample time to adjust accordingly so they do not have to do that – you handle your own shit lol

        And yes I live in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountain 🏔 Range … so all the snow melt and water – will supply water to the American River and the Sacramento River … and then we also provide water to Southern California too.

        But that’s ok – I will just sort of have a staycation? Lol

        I think I will rent a hotel room for that time? I found a nice hotel (I think) ?? Has good reviews

        Is close to work ❤️ (no highways for a week!)

        I found one that is cheaper if I stay 5 nights than if I only stay 4 so yes please do me up lol ✌️😄😘

        So I will just do that – it be more peaceful and is manageable so I can do it – I never worry with my landlord …

        When covid shutdowns happened she kept asking me if I am ok – do I want to not pay rent lol

        So I would tell her no you let me pay until I truly need help then I will ask. And I so I always paid. I never want to owe and I only want help if I truly need it and is sincere

        But because of that and that she knows me… knows my story… I am like a daughter or little sister to her now? So she is very caring with me.

        I have taxes coming and also a stimulus package just passed I believe, so it be fine.

        I checked both hotels and air BB’s … the hotel was cheaper and better so think I am doing that.

        And I can work late and be right there ❤️ no hour drive

        Stay well also ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Civilisation? Ha, welcome to the middle of Brittany, where we are close enough to see the middle of nowhere 😉
        That sounds like a great solution!! And far better than an extended stay in the funeral home apartment 😉
        You have managed to surround yourself with positive and caring people. It seems that sometimes, we get what we deserve and you have!
        Enjoy your weekend! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I love the peace of being away from civilization. ❤️

        So you must love that too? Do you run to it like me? Or do you just get to have it? lol

        I did THINK about staying at funeral home – but the shower doesn’t work- so I be in same boat – plus I want to be comfortable.

        It will sorta feel like a vacation ? No cooking or cleaning – I can just relax?

        Yes, I am very rich in life with amazing people ❤️ without them, I would not have survived in many ways ❤️ I do actually have incredible people in my life

        I am very very very lucky to have them ❤️

        My landlord … she lost her husband, the same year I lost my dad… she went through breast cancer just like me, and then we have a similar demeanor in some ways – she sorta just “fell in my lap” at a time that I needed that! I did not expect to find that?

        Funny how those things happen huh? Like meant to be? Just so much coincidences ?

        And then I have gotten to know her and she has been amazing to me – and she always refers to me now as her baby sister lol ❤️😄

        She has been caring supportive just … like family when I lost mine ❤️

        But yes – yes I do have the most incredible people ❤️

        It’s a beautiful day just crazy windy 🌬 … if the wind wasn’t intermittent, it would be amazing kite 🪁 day ❤️ … today IF we flew a kite it would take off in the gust and then nose dive when it stopped lol. (We have tried lol)

        We have 2 really awesome kites 🪁… we have a kite only store here – any kind of kite you can think or dream of ❤️ some are crazy!

        Some you need skills to fly lol … I do not have the best skills – mine are simple only kites 🪁 with beautiful tails

        Thank you we are enjoying the weekend ❤️ Enjoy your weekend as well!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I’m sorry your son isn’t strong enough to deal with reality. That sucks!!

    I could live with the lack of running water for most daiky stuff… treat it like camping. But no water means no toilet flushing, unless you keep jugs of water around. I have a roughly 1 day limit on that!!

    I’m glad you found a good hotel option. I’m sure your personality and looks could get you some upgrades. But even without them.. no chores for a week!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well I suppose it is partially my fault because I did allow his father to treat me that way … and then with his father throwing money at him… He blinds him and then has made me to be the weak one because I struggle so either he be taken care of or has to help care for.

      So ya know that is hard

      And I understand is a choice between mother and father and I have always taught them to have compassion for him when he would be drunk and in a rage … so it is partially my fault in those ways

      Also is lesson for me

      Does suck though 💔 hurts

      Hahaha I don’t generally ask for anything special – expect maybe to not be near many people or elevators lol

      I always like the top floor so I can see across the world lol ❤️

      I know!! I thought of that!! Lol no cooking or cleaning for a week lol – omg I am gonna get spoiled lol ❤️✌️


      1. Well, ask for a top floor room. Ask if there are any free upgrades. You be surprised what you can get!!

        Also, corner rooms are often larger than norm. If it’s a nice place, ask about that!

        Liked by 1 person

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