Silent

So not the best Friday. That’s ok. They can’t all be amazing – sometimes life happens.

Work was good. Went well got major things handled.

Every week I have to do “outreach” … so I do one thank you to someone who went above and beyond for us – I send them something thoughtful and something that make them smile – I include a note thanking them – is like big network of people helping each other and we are very thankful and appreciative. We want to keep and cherish those relationships for possible future dealings

And then…

I have to do “outreach” for business 🤨😝 I hate that!!! I have to send a gift to places that can possibly refer families to MY funeral home … kinda makes me feel like I am hunting death? 🤨😝 I get it because you do need referrals and relationships with nursing homes, hospitals, doctors… I just feel weird… I know is a business. But it feels weird sending a gift to a nursing home with a card to say “hello, thought we would say hello and happy spring” and then I signed it with our funeral home name

Does that not sound creepy? Like I am after you? Lol … that makes me feel sorta creepy.

I love doing the thank you one, cause I get to pick thoughtful unique things to make someone feel special and appreciated – I love doing that … and then they want to help us again ❤️

But with the sending nursing home gifts to remind them we be there for them 😮 I just feel a little creepy

I am not working tmrw because Monday was cancelled. Which is fine because I am exhausted.

My landlord texted to say all water on property will be shut off not this week but the following week. Starting Sunday the 7th through Friday the 12th 😮 I can not go that many days without a good shower – forget that.

So I will think of something – ugh 🤦‍♀️

I left early to be with them longer. When I got home they were watching a documentary 😮😮😮 (well sorta – their type of documentary but that’s cool too)

It was this:

youtube.com/watch

I totally remember that!!

Then they watched their stuff. I put on something and they were bored so ok – do yours.

They did.

I had a conversation with oldest about what is happening – he is almost 27… he is not a child,; we can have conversation ? But no because he doesn’t want to be in middle

And I feel he’s just sitting by knowing his father is doing dirty… and doesn’t care

But his father bought him a car, pays for literally everything or anything he wants.

So ya know – I am not the one placing them in this position. You do what you want and what you think is right.

So… my heart bleeds a little. I don’t want to talk about it. I am just hurt. 🤫 💔

He HAS always been there for me and HAS helped me

I feel that it was not his place to have been put in that position and was not me who did that.

I feel hurt that he just stands by and let’s his father just tear me apart. Does nothing. Because then he would be in the middle he says.

But he was placed in the middle from the start – I did not do that – I was losing my family and battling cancer, and I just told them about my mom tonight and they just said nothing while I cried.

So he feels I am wrong to be hurt because he has helped me… well then I wish you didn’t help me… don’t do me any favors … I feel like that.

He also feels it is me who places him in the middle by saying anything… so ok… got it.

So I kinda feel like… I don’t know. I am thinking.

So not really Good Friday and I just want to cry and go to bed.

I literally gave my life up for my children, and I would give my life for them…

I would never let anyone I loved or even a complete stranger to be treated this way… so ok.

I don’t want it to feel like is hardening my heart because he has been there and cared for me… so in that aspect it kills me, and that’s my son

I feel grateful for that in those moments ❤️… he was amazing and kind and caring … and he is a good kid. He is/was so caring and helpful 💔

So now because of that – I am not allowed to say anything or feel anything – and that’s fine. I am used to silence

I get it – I get their position. Not a problem – I will be silent