Also… I speak to someone.. he say it’s going through HR now – he forgot to message and tell me the interviewer loved me and the staff already knew me and was already wanted ❤️👏 ok 😊 I just have to wait for formal offer 👏❤️
So secretly I got the job 👏👏 I’m not supposed to know yet ❤️✌️ but I know everything lol – I’m kidding …only sometimes 😘✌️
We are funeral people and very personable with each other … plus … is such a small niche of people – since we all talk – you learn info. 😮 you know what goes on
My friends say I should take 2 weeks vaca, and then on day 1, e-mail resignation – NO!! I could never do that – I can be professional and I don’t want them to fail – I will set up for success as my last impression. ✌️😘
I took today off for stuff … I told everyone last week that I would be out on Monday – please plan accordingly!!
Do you think any of that happened … no… it did not. My phone BLEW up all day long – and my staff left funeral home unmanned … had no supervision … didn’t tell anyone … ugh 😑
One day… I just ask one day. And they can’t even survive. OH MY GOD!!
And this is what I am talking about – see and I bust my ass so hard … for what? Cause it’s not pay… they definitely do not appreciate what they have … or probably even know. Or care 🤷♀️
And who has MY back? So ya know…
When I was in domestic violence – the first time I was just in shock cause he wasn’t like that… but then he was
And we had kids so… I just believed it would get better and was just one of life’s hard moments – but you stick together and get through it …
It never got better – worse actually… each time worse than the one before
So this feels like that.
At the same time… I do love this community and I love that location… I just have no support for me. I am ONE person!!
I get called or texted all weekend, I can’t be sick or take a day off – I will still get blown up. I’m tired – I am one person. Who makes nothing … so why waste my life here?? why let it take my life so much, for what??
Well anyway … I had my interview – it went really well … it lasted hmm 🤔 3 hours lol
Also… I know so many people – they had already done their homework on me and asked people about me… lol … my ears have been ringing lately lol
I have a good reputation and treat people well no matter who they are.
Anyway – they asked about when I could start, we say maybe May 1st – so I get them all squared away to handle themselves without me… cause I’m not gonna leave them hanging but they better hustle.
I already knew staff who is all smiles lol ❤️👏 also hardworking – I know many in this corporation already and they are all from MY corporation!!
He talked about onboarding process and things. The interview alone was 3 hours lol… And I got call from a big wig I know who putting in word for me – he is excited to bring me on board also
Would be raise – they have structure
Is about 30 min away… so little commute and I will have to juggle daughter – but think they are willing to work with me on that ❤️👏
I think it would enhance my life, I know they treat their people really good
It’s weird though … I worked so hard for the one I have – I wish they were better.
So I feel good …
It will just be change and ya know … change is hard – this has been my life since Covid so – I’m gonna be all changed. Will it be ok? I’m sure it will
But I do deserve to be treated better. So ya know, is good move. I am excited – just at the same time I feel like I will throw up – trauma bond
So is good, I know I will be happier – I am somewhat more hidden, everything will not be on me… and they actually appreciate their employees
I will miss my community and location, but I do believe it will kill me if I stay. I’m not willing to give my life. So 🤷♀️
I just need better conditions… it will kill me if I stay. Not exaggerating – I can feel it … they can’t even handle ONE DAY!! ONE DAY! So yeah. It will kill me and they definitely do not pay me enough for that! I’m not willing to give them my life
So while I am loyal to a fault – I have to learn when to leave before it feels likes it’s taking your life 😮
Just weird – exciting but weird … change … I’m not the best allowing change lol
Makes my mind think of a lot of things
But ok – welcome to the 2020’s – yeah it’s gonna be the whole decade – it’s gonna make me have a ton of experiences and change 😮 gasp 😮
Early in the morning, it was FREEZING 🥶 and looked gray 😝… the forecast had said partly cloudy …
I was meeting them at 10am, in their area of town. By the time 10am rolled around, it was beautiful and SUNNY ☀️… still little crisp – but absolutely BEAUTIFUL day!! ❤️
❤️👏 god I have missed sun and warm sooooooo much ❤️ I feel like it’s been sooooo long ❤️👏👏
Please stay!!! 🙏🙏 tmrw they forecast little rain 🫤 not a atmospheric river so I guess that’s ok – but omg have I missed the beauty of a sunny day – like you don’t even know ❤️👏
So I meet them at 10am at a walking trail that had little lakes and streams and wildlife ❤️
I was early – I am always first there. I wanted to make sure I could find it. I was 15 minutes early… Then one other came maybe 10 minutes early… and the other was right on time.
I was so excited … their losses are only 1 day apart!! 😮 I knew would be good for them ❤️👏🫶
They are like the both sides of me lol … one is happy bubbly no matter what, sweet dear and happy – she had a wonderful life – was loved very much and he didn’t want her being sad. Finish life, be ok, be happy for time had.
The other is very personable – little shy, emotional … still hurting … but she had no tears today 👏❤️
(Just shoot this back to me when my mom dies 😮 – remind me of my words lol ✌️🫶)
I think we were all pretty excited for the walk on such a beautiful day ❤️🫶
It was such a beautiful peaceful day – we walked all around – I didn’t know how long the trail was but I also didn’t notice either – we chatting and laughing 👏❤️ we talked about who they were, their lives, my life, our houses, the area etc – just everything – was awesome 👏 they were not alone and sad … and made new friends ❤️
Our on our walk, there was a man speed walking and he stops us just simply to say he is just blinded by us 3 women lol 🙄😄😄 ok but we laughing – he was wearing a hat that said Italia – I noticed that right away.
But one of my girls did not pay attention to the hat and says to him – are you Irish? Lol … and he was like what? No lol – it was really funny she not notice the hat – he looked Italian – but growing up I was around Irish italian and Russian – so maybe like an accent you just recognize sometimes? Was the area my grandparents lived in ❤️ … the city had a little Italy ❤️ I see that hat right away lol … he did look italian, and had old school italian swagger – he had to be from the east coast!! Lol … well Italy 🇮🇹 – but also the east coast … he seemed like an east coast italian ? A familiarity ?
He was very sweet and funny 😘 just funny that he he do that – and he was animated 😄😄 like we all so brighteningly beautiful (yes I made up my own word lol) because he acted like our beauty was blinding him lol
He was so funny and so were the girls and then they pointing at me lol … and then one is like – I know he isn’t looking at us, and the other says yeah he would need glasses 😄😄 oh cmon
It made us all laugh and smile, and made them feel good 👏❤️ thank you Mr Italy that was funny and cute
We laughed and talked the entire time 👏
We will do again in 2 weeks – they now have each others number so they can chat or whatever 😊❤️
I have my daughter next weekend, and one of them is having house painted, so we say 2 weeks – I am really only avail on the weekends.
Our walk was an hour and a half 😮 I can feel it in my legs 👏 I miss walking ❤️ I have people to walk with now 👏👏
And I introduced 2 people in a relaxing chill funny awesomely sunny environment lol… enjoyable moments away from any heavy life ❤️👏
I think is benefit for all of us ❤️
See … you can make tiny differences in other peoples lives – you don’t have to do on large scale… but tiny little things create the moments in life and you never know how life gonna brighten 😮
Plus every little thing can make a difference to someone else. “Impact” ❤️👏
Be the change you want to see in the world 😘✌️
There was this gigantic box on my porch when we got home
Doby always thinks packages are for him 🙄😄
I had to order a drain snake – cause I have to fix one of my drains – is slow to drain.
But THAT couldn’t be this GIANT box 📦 😮
Check it, this is the box:
This is the ONE thing that was in the box:
😮😮 what the hell? Waste … waste waste waste!!! Wow!!! If I had known this tiny little thing would come in a GIGANTIC box – I woulda gone somewhere else – that is awful … hello Planet 🤨
Holy moly … that is ridiculous – shame on shipping department, and shame on companies for doing that!! I usually do not ever order from Walmart but I needed that… I did not know would come like that or I would have gone to the store myself! I was trying to be convenient for myself lol – lesson learned – damn
Then my oldest came over to try to help me with my washer which is giving me error code 🤨 so I have to open bottom panel which has the tiniest fricken nuts and bolts and you have to be on the floor to try to get in – omg it’s awful
I have a back up sorta – is a small tiny one I had in middle of no where – but it only takes few things at a time so I wash all day long lol meh … 2023!!
We could not get it – but he try for me.
Then he left and I sat down … Doby came over with his cuddly heat and we fell asleep ❤️ he is just the sweetest! My little Doby ❤️
And then my girls texted about how awesome it was and pleasure to meet every one … and my day is done ✔️
Can you tell the sun is back?? Lol woo hoo ❤️❤️❤️ 👏👏👏 it’s like you breathe again … totally NEED sun!! You can NOT take away the sun that long!! That was terrible – now is amazing!! Please stay!! 🙏🙏🙏
Normally I do not believe many things – I am skeptical … in regards to people – I will have to know you … then I’m fine
But stuff like what I am about to tell you about – meh… I take with grain of salt – more for entertainment …
This morning I got an email with a tarot reading lol … it said:
These are your cards for March 31: the World (21) – the Sun (19) – Judgment (20) – the Wheel of Fortune (10) – the Chariot (7)
I have no idea what that meant but it explained and said:
The World (21) and the Sun (19) in first position talk about your current situation and how you are dealing with it. They indicate that you are a thoughtful and caring woman who is always willing to help other people. These are great strengths you can draw on to create a fulfilling life.
Things should start changing for the better very soon indeed. Judgment and the Wheel of Fortune indicate your life could take a new direction, perhaps something completely unexpected for you, which will lead to a successful and happy time for you.
So ok whatever – I read it – but brushed it off this morning – whatever I’m WAY too busy today
I just got home and check my emails and there was this one:
I want to be the first to congratulate you on your new job! Oh wait. Have you not heard about this yet? Weird. If the new job works out like it’s supposed to, it was worth it!
I am actually making little bit of magic… for me and for 2 others ❤️👏✌️
So remember the woman who brought me the stuffed animal 🧸? ❤️ well I really like her – she reminds me of my mom – and no one has given me a stuffed animal in years ❤️
We decided that tmrw we meet and walk some trails for little while ❤️👏 I get to walk again and breathe in fresh air and ahhhh just BE … she’s really awesome
Her husband recently passed and she doesn’t have anyone really … so she has me 🙌
And then I invited another because also has same sorta situation. I thought would be nice to include her and have her join us- she always has tears in her eyes when I see her so thought be good idea to invite and they could know each other . And we all be friends and enjoy walks ❤️👏 woo hoo!
Tmrw at 10am – both know me obviously … but I will introduce them tmrw 👏 … I sorta introduced today in group text lol – so we could coordinate where going
I was busy doing end of month, end of quarter, Friday, and services ughhhh I am exhausted
There was some point midday that I feel so lightheaded and pass out- ish … I had eaten so I wasn’t hungry ?? Not sure why – my brain is much after work always!
5 million things come at you at once and they keep piling more on … so ya know whatever – I am one person and acting my wage – whatever gets done – gets done – there is NO WAY humanly possible for one person to do everything – so whatever
I’m feeling overwhelmed and checked out and they continue to put things on my shoulders so ya know – whatever … once again – I am one person… so I just give up
I will do my thing best I can … but I have Monday off … and a job interview – I have already spoken to him. I would have ONE job and make way more money… so we see he’s very laid back and funny – so I can work with that … and I wouldn’t be having heart attacks every day ❤️👏
If I stay here – it WILL kill me
Is same field just different and new location – NOT within my company – is another
I have connections in death so – pulled them 😮
I know this company is good one, so we see
I know the staff already from working funerals lol … and I know high management people because I used to work with some of them at my company – they know who I am and how serious I take, and how hard I work. They are also aware of what I go through here, because they once knew too.
But we will see – I will need it to work with my life too… but I will worry about all that after Monday
I’m gonna take a chance and I have connections – of course it’s in funerals … but lemme see
I’m gonna try something and it doesn’t hurt to try
I just can’t handle all the work they keep putting on my plate without any help. I am so burnt out
Everyday I feel my blood pressure and feel like I’m gonna have a heart attack because I can’t keep up – I don’t take breaks except to run and grab my daughter from school … I run that entire place and I do not have strong workers with me – is new – has learning disability and drinks a lot (not at work that I know of but 🤷♀️) they can not be on time for anything to save their life … so I am exhausted
When I don’t have daughter I’m in early and leave late
I just can’t and for what they pay
And I spoke to someone who has been in my company for years and years – they are the crême de la crême … is who everyone turns to and also does training … they literally JUST started paying them what I make 😮😮😮😮 I was shocked
So much – they have a second job working another 40 hours as a caregiver … so 80 hours a week – no days off 😮😮 that is not making sure you keep the talent you have or making sure your own family is making ends meet 😮😮
So if I stay – this is it… they don’t care- will always be high turn over and no support
So do I have courage to leave – we gonna see
Today I paid a professional to set up my resume to be current – and professional … so I will get that back in about a week.
I’m doing something tonight though with something – so we see
At my location we did interview a LM position and I really liked the guy and I would have support – he seems great!
But I am not gonna stick around for years hoping for a raise or appreciation sooo 🤷♀️ this is a corporation so they line their pockets and don’t really care otherwise or there would be better pay and structure
It’s too much – I am admin but I am literally doing everything – my mind is literally like MUSH at end of day and I don’t know if I am coming or going
Alright so let me go do something 😘✌️
When I was married and in domestic violence … one day a woman showed up to tell me about their affair …
It was then that I sat there and cried and thought ok … if I stay this is it and this will be my life …
Or I get out and change my life … he gave me freedom to do that with all the affairs so yay!! And never once have I missed him. I actually hate him but many more reasons than that
So I got out and here I am, all changing and shit lol
I’m learning – I have history of abusive things … so I just have to get better at that and recognize whether is human being or situation or work place
The picture does not do it justice… the colors were WAY more vibrant
Reminds you that if you can weather the storms – you will get a rainbow eventually 😉
Anyway – was beautiful 😊❤️
I have no cell service – because this latest atmospheric river – or whatever it is… took down the cell tower in my area – so I only have service if I have wifi
I don’t know how to leave death. I think about it – and think I need to?
It engulfs my life, and while I love what I do, I’m thinking it is time to move forward…
I’m just little afraid of the light
I like the protection I have with death? Isn’t that weird? I feel protected with it 😮
Whenever I take a job – I take it because there is something about the job I aim for, that will remove things I can’t move forward with??
I was a cart girl once a few years ago – was my first pay job other than volunteering.
Someone approached me and asked if I would be interested in being a cart girl … I didn’t know what it was … and so I said I would think about it and let him know… he gave me his card
I went home and googled – I read everything I could find about it… I wasn’t sure because involved both alcohol and men… that made me uneasy because when I got the job I was still in domestic violence … I took it to get out.
I got the job on the spot – I took it because I thought would help me conquer fear – and it did… and it was a paying job with tips.
I hated it at first… cause I was severely overwhelmed with attention… but I thought ok well give it 2 months – if I still hate it I will find something else
At the end of 2 months – I was bringing in alot of money… and it was fun… I laughed all day long and got to play around on a golf course every day
I had wonderful coworkers and it was just a great job – it Re taught me confidence cause I got to talk back… and it allowed me to find my own power … I had a lot of fun, and was amazing job – they actually paid me for that!! It never felt like work cause every day was awesome 👏
I would have headphones in constantly unless I was serving – I have so much music your head would spin – I had playlists for days – I had freedom and greatness
It helped me be assertive ❤️👏
But then I got away from Satan and then my family died, I got cancer and my mother drifts away from me… but it was the cancer that forced me to stop …
I couldn’t with all my surgeries and things – I had to give up my life for little while. they all supported me
I went silent after the final surgery just from all the trauma
Anyway… after all that … immediately after my surgery … I got the job at the school – with kids …
Kindergarten through 12th grade – after losing my family and cancer – I took that job because I loved my kids and I just missed the brightness and thought would be good move. It was perfect – a good job with same hours as my daughters school ❤️ so it worked
That was August 2019. Cancer and loss of family and every day losing my mom – beat me back down just like domestic violence cause took my life again …
I also thought if I worked with kids – I would not be asked out because that is not the place for that – so would be perfect
When I took that job at first – I viewed just as a job … but then the kids brightened my world 🌎 ❤️
Elementary kids take to me always right away …
Junior high is kinda judgmental and harsh lol… I do not miss middle school lol ✌️
And the high school kids – they watched me for like 2 weeks to see how I would react to things. Then they got comfortable with me and my job was to supervise them when teachers took breaks or weren’t around… they would tell me about certain kids – these are the trouble makers watch them
So I did. But they weren’t bad kids – just no one listened to them or treated them like people. It’s a tough age. Not a kid, but not an adult. It can be frustrating… it just takes someone to hear them, listen … people just wanna be respected and heard whatever age they are.
Anyway – those kids had those bright dreams where they gonna take on the world … before the world had a chance to beat them down … their brightness and kindness really brought me back to life
I thought it was just a job – but I didn’t count on them brightening MY life ❤️ I didn’t expect them to bring me back to life…
I didn’t make much money at a school so I needed another job and took a weekend job at the funeral home…
I was still with the kids and I would share the journey with them…
I thought a job a lot a funeral home would help me process the loss of my family, because back then I hadn’t yet – they died and then cancer stepped in and I have to give up life, not process things
When I told the kids I was gonna work at a funeral home – they laughed and said I was not the type – just teasing though cause is a creepy thing to a kid lol … plus I have a personality and I am funny… so I didn’t seem like the funeral type? Or what you would think
I wrote the funeral home a letter – telling them how much empathy I had due to experiences I have walked through… I told them they needed me because I was empathetic and hardworking – I did a whole letter.
Immediately they contacted me – I had interview and interview them too lol … and obvious I got the job.
So I would work the week at the school and the weekends at the funeral home… for like 2 weeks … and then Covid hit …
I lost the job at the school because of that… but then that allowed me to work full time because my daughter was now homeschooled and I could work… so I did and it did help me process the losses 😊❤️
It does give me more stable view of death which I have never had before. I don’t take death well – I probably won’t with my mom either ??
I dunno? It’s my mom – so I can’t imagine earth not being able to say I love you or hug and kiss her. 💔
I’m ok if she passes but ya know – heart bleed 🩸
I don’t like that… it hurts too much to lose – but it is life and none of us are immune. When it is your time, it is your time.
So it’s kinda helped me walk through my own death and to help others is also healing – or more so that I can focus on your things and not mine lol ✌️😘
So death became my world and during Covid – I still worked and drove on deserted highways – I would always think of this song when I would have the highway to myself:
I’m strong now lol … I always have been – I survived domestic violence with comedy – believe it or not – that’s why I am funny – it saves my life always ❤️ laughter is best medicine – that is why that’s a saying 😉
But yeah – I have confidence, brightness, humor, strength and spirit … which is double edge sword cause I still look like a cart girl but in funerals and with a sense of humor and spirit lol …
So the funeral part just makes me intriguing to men and then add everything else and it’s a problem always
I liked being married cause it protected me from that, but was not good for me.
Death protects me – but I’m not sure if is good for me? I love to help with people and it gives me outlet to do that for someone else – and I know the emotions
I keep balance … sorta not really lately
I’m already overwhelmed with attention and I still hide with death and use that to get out of anything lol 😘✌️ but the losses and death do drain you and ya know – “corporation”
I am a little nervous to get another job – which I am sure – would be wonderful! And would only enhance my life in regards to my next step and next chapter
I think it would be good for me to move on – I just have been out of light and hidden away and have had peace for so long – I’m afraid to lose that 😮
I’m probably just comfortable in the one are that held my hand through things, kept me safe and let me survive. Funny to view death like that… it has a grip lol
I don’t know what I want – it’s a lot of pressure and not much money. And maybe it’s time?
I think about what would I be good to turn to now? Lol
It has to be something I will love, maybe something to inspire growth?
It can’t be anything I could run into my ex with… nope 👎 so there would have to be a level of safety and being hidden – I like that and want that. Behind the scenes so you don’t notice me lol ✌️
I can’t do full on public that will make me absolutely go silent – I already know
My silence isn’t darkness … it’s just pulling back for safety – is not dark
Funerals are public – but you aren’t paying much attention to anything else other than the pain or grief – so I am safe and can do that. Sometimes you notice me because of the appreciation from helping walk through that – that I don’t mind ❤️
So anyway – I don’t know what I want to do if I were to leave ? What do I need help with now?
Well I guess attention but I don’t want that – I like peace … always have
What could I love now? What do I need now?
I could not be a nurse or a caregiver – that would kill me to lose people I would know – so no on that 👎
What would I be ok with?
I like being hidden away… i got really comfortable with that
I suppose I need to not be so hidden …but I feel like I need that. 🤷♀️
I do worry about too much attention making me silent … the attention thing is always an issue
So silence … maybe that? How I fix that? 🤷♀️ I do not know 😮
Usually life will push me eventually … cause I drag my feet with change lol ✌️😄😘
And I do like peace, job security and being hidden
But ok maybe silence I fix? That’s the biggest snd I really don’t know that I want to tackle that?
That silence thing will be tough battle 😮 it’s NOT something I can control … too much attention and too overwhelmed together – oh yes silence – I have zero control over it – It just “IS”
So what would fix that in terms of a job – I do not want to be all accessible … I do not want attention and I do not want to speak to anyone – I do myself. I’ll fix my own self
I just don’t know how to fix that area yet… do I want to? I don’t know… I don’t mind the silence – it helps me be safe and ok
So I’m thinking 🤔 I’m not sure,
Ok well I’m not sure I even want to post this …but whatever – you probably already know most anyway
But what could make me get over silence? I don’t want to be too loud!! I like the silence – I want to be little careful with it
What is the next rainbow? Am I ready? I do not know – death has a way of always keeping me ?? But then I also have history of that – which is not always good thing. I am loyal if I love so and death always has a way of making me stay
I’m just not sure
Anyway…
I had a good day it rained all day
I only mention all this because I saw ad for my old golf course for the cart girl and made me remember ❤️ and think what I want and what be ok?
I have these families who are amazing … I don’t know how else to say…
I had a woman who lost her spouse and she call me today and said she has been thinking about me ever since … she thanked me for being so kind and helping her … she was little lost when she came to me … but I made her feel welcome and cared about
She got a beautiful urn and on the side – I bought her this matching remembrance ornament ❤️ I was so excited to give them to her
Anyway … she asked if I was at funeral home … I left early today to grab my daughter and then work from home – I have to do some classes and I can NOT get them done at work!! 😬 everybody is looking for me or calling me!!
I said I was at home but if she wanted she could swing by… she said ok – I just have something for you… 😮 I told her she didn’t have to get me anything but she wanted to – said was just a little something …
So she came over my house – and stayed for a little bit and we chit chat – I might go hiking with her on Saturday 👏👏👏 yay!
And she give me this:
❤️
It’s so soft and cuddly – she said “I didn’t wanna bring flowers because I know you have those everyday” then she said I have such a youthful spirit this made her think of me
I love soft cuddly things and stuffed animals lol 🤫 I’m supposed to be grown up but I love it ❤️
I am touched she think of me and went out of her way ❤️
How I leave and walk away from families? That’s really hard to do 😮
And then after she left – some young boys came over and asked if I want them to do my yard – why yes!! Yes I do!! 👏🙌
They gonna go get their stuff and come do my lawn
Is this a Monday? Cause besides a wardrobe malfunction – it’s been a pretty amazing Monday
This Monday should have been the happiness Monday lol 🙌
Learning Life 