Merry Christmas 🎁

There was this beautiful service dog at store yesterday!! …

Guess what he was??? Yes he was a Doberman ❤️ omg – he was so big and regal looking ❤️ I just love how they look – they are soooo handsome … like a spell cause if you know one – you love them so much!!

So I say to them – omg he is beautiful and so well behaved!! He stands so regal ❤️

Dobermans are so sleek and beautiful ❤️ and he had same face as Doby ❤️ that same look in his eye

The owner says, yes he is trained outside with people to be service animal and is awesome dog … but at home he is asshole!! Bounces off the walls, etc … ahhh must be a Doberman trait lol

I laughed and said “yeah I have one at home that is not a service dog but is a Doberman who is 5 months old… he is also asshole sometimes” lol

He’s only an asshole when he wants your attention and time – but that’s because he wants you attention and time – I have to figure out how to make him not be an asshole with that

And with me… he wants me ALL the time!! Dude can not handle himself with me lol… my daughter told me tonight that whenever someone opens the gate he hears it and thinks is me and gets all excited by the door lol 😄😄 ❤️ my baby ❤️

She said the mailman came and he thought was me 😄❤️ awww my baby ❤️ I love his little face – which is now not as little but still so handsome / he’s really handsome and sleek but also very muscular!! Dude is built lol ❤️

I bought him a sweatshirt to keep him warm for Christmas – it’s black of course and on the back it says “security” lol ❤️❤️❤️ lol … my baby

Every morning we get up … he goes outside then comes back in and goes and sits right next to heater while I make his breakfast lol …

Then he will come eat and go back over by heater lol

So… someone will be wearing that this weekend lol ❤️ my kids think he won’t like it and give me problem – I think he will like once it keeps him warm

Is nothing like the werewolf costume lol

Lol oh I giggle to see that ❤️❤️❤️❤️ he did not like at all lol

But this one be different

https://youtu.be/LuyS9M8T03A

He so adorable ❤️

In regards to military… still think he’s really amazing … but I think maybe he struggles with the pain he has? I really think so?

I don’t think he has taken any time to absorb and process. Everyone is different and handles in their own way that THEY need to cope…

But maybe he just need some time to maybe take everything in… and I think he is not getting enough rest

So… you know how people cross your paths for reasons?

I think he doesn’t know how to handle?

Hmm 🤔 just with texts every so often – and sometimes in person?? He says things about the pain – just really quick and fast … and sometimes I do not know what to say?? So I be quiet

Sometimes I just do not know how to respond because is very random 🤷‍♀️

But that’s what makes me think maybe I am distraction from that? And he thinks he can just not dwell on and be happy – numb it and it will go away?

But then also – I don’t mind at all when he speaks of anything… I listen … I don’t judge because I am so used to seeing humanity at most vulnerable and there is no need for judgements (with the exception of Satan) ✌️ sorry but yes

But ya know … I feel comfortable a little because I have my own stuff and also I can feel where he is sometimes?

Which is why I do strongly believe we both need help lol just kidding but we do – if speaking honestly lol

I can totally be supportive of his things – I do not want to be added stress though – I tell him this

Look I like peace … so 🤷‍♀️

He needs to learn peace and balance – he does not know how to do that?? I don’t totally know his life? But I’d say he needs a minute to relax

I just don’t think he needs to be buying me anything at this moment … relax with that … just be a person only

There is no need I can take care of myself – let’s just relax and take life by moments, not pressure ..cause that is boarderline pressure to me ??

I just like to get to know easily – normally … not crazy

I’m not that type and also … if do actually want to give a gift … I would prefer that it had meaning and not just blindly give

Easy with that

So if he keeps doing … I dunno… I already like him just relax – that is not needed – I am ok as is

But I think he tries too much for everyone … and I understand … I am in my job because I lost my entire family and never processed – I can’t cause is tangled in cancer and Satan … so I just don’t look back

Is very easy to me to help another through loss … I can walk someone through death with my eyes closed … and I love to help someone be ok through it… for my job I can focus on others so I don’t have to focus on my own

So I understand him

He is not focusing on his pain – but then neither am I … nor do we want to

However … I am strong spirit and level headed… I do not have social media and outside influences … so my pain I handle on my terms … I know is there – I know what is… I know how I cope

But he doesn’t … he knows is there, wants to kinda ignore but then he feels guilty or has emotion for being without?

I think it’s really important to at least know your strength and know yourself …

He so concerned with outside influences and stresses… you forget life and who are? Also I think he has always worried about what others think of him?

But every single person in my life who is close – ALL of them … I can say with direct confidence only want to see me happy… that is it

Whatever I want … they support ❤️

I do not deal with drama … so if is drama won’t be close to me… you either wanna be there or you don’t

Anyone I love … I also only want them to be happy

And my people watch me go through cancer – so yeah they only want me happy

Relationships are being there for each other so of course I can do that…

He stresses over how people think of him … I find that weird … who cares? Why you care what anyone else thinks of who you are? People always gonna judge … who cares? That is too much stressful burden to have in life

You have to be who you are … live your life – don’t let others dictate what gives you life – it will crush you – be comfortable in own-self and own skin

Show respect, be smart and be kind and you will be fine

I do think is important he know who he is, what he wants and the issues that face him… he tries to put on brave face but is ok to not be brave

Don’t forget to take in life … I am calm but I have a spirit so I think that I melt away his issues cause I just enjoy spending time with him and we have good time and laugh and stuff – he’s very respectful totally

But even with me sometimes … I know he likes me a lot … and he just wants to spend all his time with me and forget the world – cause ya know – I do that lol ✌️

https://youtu.be/EdGLkq80gX8

So yeah … if I just lay here…

I am the type you get lost in… so while sometimes people judge or don’t understand … but whatever … I just want to feel life …not the world

And the group of people closest to me, love me as is – when I had cancer … I didn’t die … but I did get to see how much I meant to people without dying so … you never know how truly loved you are because people don’t know how to say that until they losing you

When they first diagnose me for sure, my Dr said … I don’t know what is stressing you out – but you need to relax and let go… I am gonna need you to keep your focus here!!

Well I was planning 3 funerals for my own family and I had satan just being brutal… and then my mom was diagnosed for sure with Alzheimer’s so all at same time

There was no way I could let go – and I am stubborn because I always think I am so strong … so when he tell me that … I say “no! I have too much happening so I can do it all – I be fine”

But he said “I needed to, there was no way I could handle all of it”

So ya know … I think “challenge” let me show you how strong I am… 💪

And then I wasn’t … so ok I gave up… I couldn’t it was too much … so my brother step up ❤️

But I give up completely and I let the chips fall as they may…

I am here … so is ok not to always be strong … sometimes you have to reset… take a minute to heal your own self – release your self?

Breathe life for minute – let go

Breathe in life

What do they say? Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but it’s the moments that take our breath away?

So ya know…

https://youtu.be/2tMKO_9SD1Y

So I just wanna make sure he be ok and not be trying to be Superman

Also one other thing… life will throw crazy things at you… you are going to NEED to be flexible and handle it! Is ok… you can do it… if I can… so can you

Do not let life take you down.

Ok maybe little more?? …

And when you need help… you need to say so

No one is mind reader and not everyone has same heart as you… so you need to say

I think he has a lot of pressure ?

I am just aware of my own self and know who I am… but I do not have the pressure that he seems to have in his life ??

So no wonder he is trying to collapse into me?? And then I already know he likes me ALOT!! Like ready to be on a knee 😮

I want to step very easily on this

Life is just a series of events that occur and people you meet or cross paths with when you need them or they need you

So… 🤷‍♀️

I do not think is a good idea for me to meet his family on THIS day!! I think just out of respect I want to let them have the day for family … I am fine to meet gradually but lot of pressure to do TODAY!

Not that I don’t want to be supportive … but I think need to absorb this holiday as family. Is ok.

I think he wants me there so I am the subject and not the pain? So I don’t know 🤷‍♀️ I think he feels pressure with this holiday

Is ok – you are allowed to heal

So like I always tell you I watch

He is still romantic and sweet and amazing as a person… but he is flying so may miss Christmas but I don’t know that is a bad thing … maybe by self and self reflection be good?

Holiday overrated anyway… is should not be so commercialized and pressurized … meh … I like peaceful easy

https://youtu.be/KPctA0hT9c8

So I dunno 🤷‍♀️

He doesn’t know how to ?? Handle deep emotions

But ya know I avoid my deep ones too… do you?

Im just more in touch with emotions cause is my life lol ❤️ and I know death so 🤷‍♀️

But yes – there are some emotions I just can’t

It is important to know yourself though – at least see self for self ? Then issues won’t matter or be so heavy to handle if you know yourself and how you do?

I have crazy life at work… you would not think that with funerals but yes!! Omg one shot to get right

My life in work can be insane and stressful … and things we see or know … you can’t take that home with you … you leave it at work.

Sometimes that is hard and sometimes it is impossible cause it’s death… death does not take holidays or vacations … no days off or week in March … it’s death 💀

You kinda be numb to it cause you are always around it and then know it so well… imagine if was surrounded by death every day

And you do have a firm grip on life and death when it’s in your life? However with my mom I will cry like a baby and not hear anything around me for moment – I will not function for quick minute while I readjust … but I know I will do that… it’s my mom and I am allowed 💔

But ya know he doesn’t know how to heal ?? And you have to not only come to that yourself … but also allow self to heal

Like I said … life gonna throw bad things sometimes … you just have to live in way that you are happy and comfortable cause when it goes bad you have to handle it.

And .. I am careful… I know what I can and can not handle – I’m honest

So… I’m not sure if I am right or whatever – but those are things I think? Or feel?

I still really like who he is… and he still sweeps me off my feet but I am also observant

And then he call me and we talk – I say I don’t think is good idea to meet family on a holiday … I do not feel comfortable and this Christmas should be family for them.

He was quiet for a moment and then came to reason, understood and agreed… so that’s much better

I know he is excited about me but he needs to learn little balance – and we still new so no need to go warp speed – life will come as it will

I like that he listens to reason 😊 sometimes I have to say a few times but he hears lol – I think lol

So we see … much better now – nice and slow

https://youtu.be/VAmXEe92RSI

Merry Christmas 🎄 ❤️