I am very silent

I don’t even want to come here 😮😮😮 I don’t wanna speak at all – this is me forcing myself … but I should come here cause it will make me feel better … but I just have silent urge… I don’t want to really speak or anything – is the pressure

https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

I’m fine … sort of?? I dunno ?? I wanna cry 😭

Ok so… hmm 🤔 well work is highly stressful 😭… omg so much cases … we have so many and just 2 of us really – sometimes 3 … that’s it – just us 😭

One moving to better paying job and I thought we were gonna have a location manager and help with families and help me… but they backed out of position due to personal issues

So … is just me and another …. Sometimes one more … so I am buried – yes pun intended

I can’t even get to my own work. It’s becoming disheartening – we work so hard! 😭 but we need help from people who actually work! I keep notes because so much comes at us so fast… I sometimes feel like I am starting Alzheimer’s 😮 there is so much work for not enough staff and I am highly overwhelmed!! Going towards burn out

But anyway – so I’m a little sad – I was excited help was coming but now it’s not😞 I guess I’m not surprised

Anyway… so that’s a pressure

And then military is also becoming a pressure …

I don’t want to do things after work – I need down time – and I don’t want to go to Sacramento – I came out here to be out of there. I do not like driving and do not want to do that all the time – once in blue moon great – but no not all the time

And I need space … and he just keeps saying “let me take care of you” … ok no because ya know what – I am not gonna be at anyone’s mercy – so no … and I do not want to feel obligated – so no!!!

He does treat me really nice … but no to take care of me by money – that is not what I want cause money controls and nope not gonna go there – I do not want to be at mercy…

Is learning because I see that there are many meanings of “to take care of someone”

I’m not gonna be kept… and don’t want him to do anything for me

I won’t allow him to do anything for me because I don’t think I trust his sincerity at all??

To take care of… the first thing that comes to my mind is making sure someone is ok and seeing if they need anything or you can do anything – nothing to do with money.

To take care of to me is more regarding a love or care for someone

To take care of for him… I dunno … seems very money based?

What does “to take care of” mean to you? What first comes to your mind when you think to take care of someone?

Yeah money is nice – but whatever … always remember :

https://youtu.be/8SeRU_ZPDkE

I like him – I don’t think he is bad guy… although anything is possible in todays world … but I’m not willing to stress myself out in my personal life

I can’t work a FULL days work of heavy heavy shit and want to do anything with anyone… much less speak …

You can’t want me all the time – I won’t have time for that… not with this job. I need someone who strong with self and can handle independent strong woman and bring out best and enjoy life with … easy and not heavy massive pressure

So I dunno I do not feel that here – I feel nothing but stress and pressure – and then boom 🤯 silence 🤐

I can speak and be normal at work – I’m totally normal at work cause I am comfortable and know my shit…

But just the pressure of work and then the pressure of someone trying to come in my life – ugh I remember why I like being alone 😮 I think people can be chill – but no they can not

https://youtu.be/TJrA-TKNDCQ

https://youtu.be/a01QQZyl-_I

https://youtu.be/pXRviuL6vMY

But I am fine – just in thought and very busy 😩😭

Whew 😥 I got this. – I always got this … but I am having a moment or a week – let’s just go with a whole month or whatever cause we still in the 20’s… and it’s been crazy like that so moments are allowed! ✌️

https://youtu.be/guv5LUT1AFw

I have a case of the Mondays every single Monday!!! Lol 🤨

There was something kinda funny today… so when someone dies and they come into our care – we have a form that documents what is on the person – including in pockets (so it may be returned to family or destroyed) … well today someone came in and in their pocket was ONE spiral shaped frito … just one chip lol 🤷‍♀️ in their pocket and that was it lol ??? Was a little humorous cause we did not expect that on the form lol … and also why??? Why one chip? What is that story??

Ok well anyway … bleh 🙁

https://youtu.be/_zXKtfKnfT8

Ugh ok … Wild Wild West

https://youtu.be/RijB8wnJCN0

Ok so February … oh god … i still have entire new year to make it through – god help me!! 🙏

But bonus is that it is staying lighter later 👏👏👏 oh it is so nice to get home and is not pitch black!!! I love coming home in the light ❤️ that makes me feel little better

And I also think this :

https://youtu.be/wh-07BzfgYY

So going crazy inside a beautiful life lol – but that is life sometimes ?? Right? I dunno? But I do love life – just sometimes it can be little insane 🤷‍♀️

Ughhhhhh – meh – I am moaning

But I have a family like this:

https://youtu.be/mPbFxEGzCaM

So I have wonderful people I love very much ❤️ if I ever need for anything at all – even just to talk they are there for anything I need… and they understand me and I them ❤️… my village ❤️

So is how I know I am still ok ❤️ always – I am never alone with them ❤️

They might not be blood 🩸 but they just as thick ❤️ my family ❤️

Also … I battled death and cancer and Covid… so this be nothing … but I’m still very burnt out

And the pressure makes me just go silent severely

I need balance – I do not have balance

I am not balancing well at this moment

https://youtu.be/jhat-xUQ6dw

It will be fine. I am strong 💪 of mind – ish … I just have the silent thing 🤷‍♀️😘

And on another topic…

Turkey and Syria – our thoughts and prayers are with you 🙏 I’m so sorry for your losses and devastation 💔

Monday Monday

Well – hello … it’s Monday 😑

https://youtu.be/h81Ojd3d2rY

Why would I ever think I could come in on a Monday and have it be chill? Nope cause just wanna make sure I am awake

Last night the alarm system tripped that there was a medical emergency at the home 🤨 there was not and there was no one there… but I am 2 seconds away so I went down and checked it out and locked up and set alarm 🚨

This morning when I came in – my screen was black and no way to enter my code and then the loud ass alarm goes off with burglary alarm and tells ALL bosses and then I have alarm company calling me asking do I want dispatch

Omg I am awake 😳😳

And then it wouldn’t shut off so … I’m pressing some button on side and nothing… finally shuts off after 5 minutes of that… but I had to prop open the front door and put a sign DO NOT CLOSE cause would make alarm go off again and again

Anyway – have it mostly ok… someone coming tmrw

So that was my Monday morning wake up and cardio lol ✌️

https://youtu.be/J8oM-fq07Ik

Yes!! 🤨 Monday!!

Other than that – I doing millions of things – but it’s like you work work work and work all day but end of day – you feel like “what just happened to the day? And what did I get done?” Today fly by too fast!!

Anyway…

I did not like that Monday morning wake me up…

It reminds me of when I was a teen and my mom bought me one of those stupid alarm clocks with the two bells on top ⏰

https://youtu.be/smOywWXIxC8

I tried it ONE time at 15 years old and told her nope

I swear I almost had a heart attack at 15 one morning!!

So nope 👎 never again have ever allowed that alarm clock in my vicinity lol

I don’t know that this following ringtone would wake me either but I do like it … I know is some horror thing because I read the comments lol .. but I don’t know from what… don’t follow horror or anything … so I just like the mellow of the music 🎶

Sounds super natural- ish lol … I didn’t think horror until I read the comments lol 🤷‍♀️

https://youtu.be/-0RzexarVKY

Actually I use the lol … nuclear ☢️ alarm to wake me up lol … set several times lol because I snooze 💤

https://youtu.be/ktvTqknDobU

It is very hard to remove myself from bed because it is freezing cold and no one wants to come out from covers, on a Monday especially, for that.

Omg the more I want spring the more I don’t have it … but I don’t know how to NOT want it so badly 😮

I just do way better and am way more alive in warmer weather – cold weather makes me slower – my blood freezes I’m sure of it lol

https://youtu.be/rog8ou-ZepE

But I do have sun ☀️ ❤️❤️❤️

The nights are cold 🥶 daytime I can somewhat handle

Also if you let me gripe for a minute … I have PG&E and omg my electricity rates 😮😮 you know why?? Because they have monopoly here and we the customer get to pay for all the lawsuits they have

Where is government protection on that shit??

Griping all done ✔️ just wanted to mention ✌️🤨… cause I don’t like them – they suck!

Every time you turn around they suck even more – every turn!! I really don’t like them ✌️ is poster child of greed – so many lawsuits against them

State should take over – ok I’m done – no more …

https://youtu.be/mWRsgZuwf_8

They are awful. ☹️ evil

https://youtu.be/4V90AmXnguw

But ya know – at mercy so 🤷‍♀️

https://youtu.be/2WN0T-Ee3q4

Anyway… moving on to other things …

When I talk to military … there are things I can not speak of at all … I can not physically speak certain things at all because the wave of emotion is way way way too much so no…

He is ok with giving me time

But it’s just weird – I will think I can speak it and try but then no… I can’t so 🤷‍♀️ doesn’t need to be spoken anyway. I just don’t like that is like that.

It’s not that I’m not at ease … I am … is the emotional wave that is too much with certain things and I can not even – but I really don’t see need to revisit or awaken any devil – I can not 😮

Interesting huh? Physically impossible to speak of 😮

Well anyway just sharing because we talk and then sometimes I will try, but is always that I can not speak certain things or moments …

It is slightly frustrating to me? Cause I can never speak something … but that is good right? Is peace anyway.

https://youtu.be/6ZktNItwexo

So I dunno – also just mentioning that cause is little odd

I also have things that I avoid because of same thing… I also can’t speak that either

https://youtu.be/FsfrsLxt0l8

But I can’t do anything about it I just can’t … so – we can deal with that later

So… yeah I have many thoughts on that. But not for now. I’m too tired 🥱 😩 … this is why I have to use the nuclear alarm lol

Ok… now Tuesday 👏 please be good 🙏🙏🙏

My fence fell

And there we are 🙌 🤨

Wonderful

So now I will need help 🤨😝 meh – if my chest was normal I would do myself … but I won’t be able to

Ugh it’s pouring and I keep hearing loud thuds… like fences or trees

Ok just a little longer – then we see what damage is totally and try to at least somewhat fix before any other rain 🌧️

We will have break Tuesday and Wednesday … supposably small tiny system on Thursday 😑

And then I think I have one week… before more 😮

Well 2023 is certainly washing shit out

https://youtu.be/IPlLcT3DpxQ

Ugh 😩 little longer – yes I am whining – is winter and is this …

What natural disasters does your area have ?

If you live in tornado Alley – I will never live there because I could not handle that… I do not like tornados … wildly destructive – nope 👎

But who has the least natural disasters??

To google it tells me Monaco and Andorra

This is my most recent forecast …

https://youtu.be/_LamtSUkkPM

Monday evening 🙌👏👏 and it’s mostly done ❤️ and again … no one better even say the word drought here over summer!!

Almost ready to dry out and then repairs and things I will have to do.

I’m so excited it’s gonna stop!! We have had 9 storms since New Year’s Eve – it has rained literally all of January so far!!

https://youtu.be/MrHxhQPOO2c

Almost there 🙌 ❤️

I have so many repairs to do 😮 my fence, gazebo, my yard – and check the rest out

This weekend I did almost nothing mostly ❤️

Just cleaned 🧽- but I have to cause someone (🐾) with the rain …leaves footprints all over my floors and that drives me up a wall

He actually slept with me last night – it was pouring and he just snuggled up with me, and he was being so good and very sweet so thought ok – I will let him have a night lol

I just don’t wanna start a habit cause usually Doby FULL of energy and when I have to sleep I can’t have him all energetic – but since he was maybe little over the rain and really tired yesterday it was fine – he was a good boy ❤️ stayed in bed with me whole night and then this morning he did not want to get OUT of bed lol 😄🙄 yeah baby see how is? Lol 💋

Ok so Monday tmrw 😝😝😝

https://youtu.be/PjFoQxjgbrs

I just love that woman’s voice so much… I love all their songs because of her voice – is so perfect ❤️

My favorite is this one:

https://youtu.be/2LYekeK0HWo

❤️

Her voice ❤️❤️❤️ I just love her voice above all others always ❤️ since I was a child I love her voice

I also love this one ❤️

https://youtu.be/9BgNVW4T1eo

❤️

I wish she didn’t die so young… she was 32… because of an eating disorder.

Great loss! ☹️ but in life happens – you never know

Military is still around my life … I forgot something and he had every right to be really mad at me! Normally satan would have been furious and called me names and said mean things … made me feel bad …

But military didn’t … he didn’t even flinch like was big deal 😮… he was like that’s fine whatever, it’s ok, not a big deal 😮

I was surprised little bit – but good

There gonna be some things that he will run into with me… things like that…

And then, I am slower than him… I need time – which he is also fine with so far

I’m honest with things – I will say whatever I think …

Sometimes he has me quiet cause he makes me think?

He keeps mentioning my 👩🏻‍🦰 red hair… he has a red hair thing lol … and freckles

Also ??? He loves my knees lol he says they are perfect … no one ever has commented on my knees lol… legs yes… smile yes… eyes yes … body yes… but never the knees?? That is funny – odd – but funny

One time in band camp lol – I’m kidding … but once when my daughter was in a band concert they had to wear long skirts that covered their ankles because teacher said ankles were too sexy lol

“Ankles” lol ewww whatever

But that is WAY better than seeing how they dress at school in high school now 😮😮😵😵

I’m not even sure there is a dress code anymore 😳😮😮

I think back… what was I like? I did mini skirts – loved those … I would push it sometimes sure lol

Once my grandparents (yes my grandparents) bought me a bustier a colorful pretty one with roses 🌹… was a summer shirt

I fricken LOVED it lol … omg it looked so amazing and I just loved it ❤️❤️

My parents however – did not 😄😄😄

So I would have it in my backpack and when away from home change lol 🙌… ahhh girls lol … but was also awesome gift from grandparents ❤️

I did the same with make up – I wasn’t allowed to wear make up … but I would put make up on while riding the bus lol

And take it off on the way home lol ✌️ I may have been a handful of teenager lol

I was also in gymnastics so one day I went to jump and flip off the vault and I had a spotter … I jumped … and flipped … and when I came down spotter thought was fine but I flew back up and mat slid out and I came down on ground 😮

So they call my mom lol I broke my leg

I had been crying and black mascara ran down my face (I had forgotten I had put make up on 😮)

So she see me and says “what’s that black on your face?” I say oh I been crying … she ask have you been wearing make up? Ohhh my leg and then she felt bad so she just let me after that lol … I was maybe 15?

https://youtu.be/9n3A_-HRFfc

My father had a hard time with me growing up lol

That’s me… and then one day I became a woman lol … he did not like that one bit lol

Yeah he had a really hard time with that. And those are fairly recent within a 5 year range in my 40’s – I never change

https://youtu.be/FuXbKLiW1UI

When I was little it was fine … people would stop my parents just to comment on my Irish ness 🙄 they loved it lol

But as I got older people would say oh she’s gonna be a little heartbreaker lol – they didn’t like that so much lol

I have never been a heartbreaker

https://youtu.be/fd_7jIC9180

Never heartbreaker… I was more the sweetheart ? I was nice to everyone and protective … I fit in all groups usually …

Recently my daughter said to me – you were a popular girl

I said no I wasn’t

And she says “yes you were – you have that vibe” 😮😮

No I was always new girl – I had to fit in real quick

She asked … did everyone know you?

Well fricken yes lol … I was always new girl – you always noticed when new – everyone wants to know who you are … girls wanna see who you are and boys wanna see who you are too lol … of course I was known lol – that does not make me popular lol … just a curiosity

I was sporty – track, swimming, volleyball ❤️

But she insists I was a popular girl 🙄

Whatever – I was not – I didn’t have time ever to become part of any group – I was just known always because I was new and also kind

Funny how she judge based on either my looks or personality? Or a mix of? But interesting

https://youtu.be/PHzOOQfhPFg

I’ve always had a fire and spirit

https://youtu.be/hTWKbfoikeg

But I am this:

https://youtu.be/0KSOMA3QBU0

And this:

https://youtu.be/SxGLPVvNjvY

I also think that pulls military in cause I am little different – he has commented on that also

https://youtu.be/HMqgVXSvwGo

I tell him I am very boring – but he doesn’t think so… I am boring

My lips are devil red … and I do live la Vida Loca … I have infectious personality that will make you fall quick – but I am boring

I love to be boring lol

He thinks is because I was hurt lol – ok maybe

But I love being away from world in certain aspects

He can teach me to live life and I can teach him boring … I think he needs a little boring – I like to take in the peace of life – I have needed it – but also strong spirited so I don’t seem boring

https://youtu.be/jH1RNk8954Q

I’m pretty sure I’m mostly boring ✌️😄 I just have spirit

I was always little different always – cause I so new always

But I like the peaceful and boring aspects ❤️ will just take me awhile ✌️

https://youtu.be/6FEDrU85FLE

Just remember “boring”

I just have to convince that lol ✌️I am boring…he just doesn’t believe me

Also my funeral people are all up on me to throw that housewarming that I should have thrown a year ago 😮 maybe we see – let me handle my damage first

Then we can do a party

https://youtu.be/M11SvDtPBhA

Little by little people!!! Not all crazy please 🙏

https://youtu.be/-N4jf6rtyuw

Just slowly is good 😊 with everything except rain – that can finish fast! 🙏🙏🙏

I just like to take the world in slowly since been through a lot ✌️

https://youtu.be/TUVcZfQe-Kw

I do promise you I am boring – every time I add something I think that is not boring – but I am – just go with it ✌️ is spirit that isn’t boring but I like boring

This weekend I have totally enjoyed boring ❤️ I am always begging for that week in March!! Ahhh to be boring ❤️ and not noticed

He is opposite of me with attention. He likes attention – I do not lol – that’s a little funny

I live a crazy life in death – he doesn’t know this yet

https://youtu.be/p47fEXGabaY

He knows what I do – but he doesn’t know

He will learn lol ✌️😘

Let life flow

So this is my life :

https://youtu.be/1IiRfZxScOk

Ugh it’s so fuckin rainy!!! Have I said how much I hate winter??? Omg

Ugh … I am in the foothills – we being pummeled 😮 so much flooding and problems!!

Let me just repeat …

https://youtu.be/TzFnYcIqj6I

After this weekend there should be sun ☀️ omg glorious sun ☀️

https://youtu.be/KQetemT1sWc

After Tuesday 🙏🙏🙏

I just have to get through Saturday Sunday and stupid Monday ugh 😑… it’s just a little longer

We soooooo flooded … it traps you!! You can’t go places you need to because roads are shut down

Omg and cemeteries 😮😮 trees are uprooting 😮… and when they dig a grave even with a tent – the water pours in – they have to pump constantly 😮😮😮

You don’t think of that do you??

We had some locations without power and having services by candlelight 🕯️… it was quite beautiful and had a element of old school 😮 I kinda liked it … but you know… am old soul so 🤷‍♀️

We have service on Sunday 😮 and Monday 😮

We so water logged and damaged – a lot of damage and flooding everywhere already!! Winds are insane!! And then add that rain we have had SINCE NEW YEARS EVE!!! Omg – killing me!!!

Doby does not like the rain either lol

https://youtu.be/SuVJUBGxNTQ

Please just go away!! This is why you need to spread it out across the year!!! Not ALL at once!!!

I’m just really tired of rain and flooding everywhere – every day you just soaked – and you can’t use roads – only the main roads are somewhat drivable – but even they get shut down 😮… so then we cut off from places 😮

I wonder if the underground of Sacramento is completely flooded ? It must be!! I’m sooo curious!!

Well anyway – I have no idea what is happening anywhere else cause of work and floods 🫤

My fence is mostly still standing – once section fell – it will need to be replaced. Few other sections are iffy – there is nothing I can do at this point – “act of god” so whatever … it’s still destroying my gazebo so also whatever – as long as no trees or power lines fall and hit my house 😮🙏

Ugh almost done 🙏🙏🙏🙏

It’s just powerful sheets and sheets of rain – please don’t break my windows 😮😳

Here is a video from outside my front door 😮 this is our rain … look to the side of the video and you see Doby looking out and then being like “nope” 😄😄❤️❤️❤️ oh he is sooo my baby!! I have now placed pee pads by the door because my back yard is a small lake 😮

But check it…

Hahaha he is sooo funny 😄😄❤️

He does not like not going outside – he has too much energy NOT to go outside omg … there are lakes everywhere now!! Omg … my whole side yard one BIG lake!!! You can Wade in the water 😮😮😝😝 omg gross!

Is slightly flooding my garage 😝 ugh – please no roof issues 🙏 so far am ok there

I also hope funeral home doing ok 😳🙏 ugh

Ok well – I won’t have to water my shit for long time lol 👏👏

https://youtu.be/A2_Dd_ziHFw

I be back in little bit – let me just situate stuff in garage 😑 meh – life making me have to go through things 🫤😑

https://youtu.be/Y-MmoSdyXwE

Meh … I say something to my people at work about how exhausted I am… and they say “Trisha – you can sleep when you dead” 🫤😑 ahhhh funeral people lol 🙄 ✌️

Happy Friday the 13th

😮😄

I’m so busy and tired – another storm this weekend

Omg

https://youtu.be/KBayDv5PzRs

That’s newest update

Omg make winter stop ✋ I’m over it!!

I live where??? California 🙄 … where is my fricken sun?? Enough – I swear to god if anyone says drought this summer!!!

Anyway… alright well we see what happens

One more crazy day and then stormy weekend and I am not doing ANYTHING!!!! Zip zero nada

Ok more storm – this is fine

I will be back probably tmrw as long as my house not crumble, blow away, power lines fall, tree falls – I don’t even know

https://youtu.be/7flrKMGfwjw

No – no I can not stand the rain much longer – omg please stop ✋ ugh 😑

Ok well I have to work so …

Happy Friday the 13th 😮😳

Also… rest in peace Lisa Marie ❤️💔

https://youtu.be/vMTsM5qbvOA

Very heartbreaking 💔

Doby/Rain/Learning?

https://youtu.be/qKCGBgOgp08

Doby ❤️ he’s gotten so big… some would like to see pics … here is my baby…

In the beginning … 😮😮❤️❤️:

Lol ❤️❤️❤️

And now…

My little boy is growing up lol ❤️

His legs really long like mine lol… stretch 😄😄

His body is SOLID!!!! But everyday he more and more my baby ❤️

https://youtu.be/MPty-nLtcAc

He is sooo funny ❤️❤️ also very heavy now. On occasion he be an asshole lol – but whatever – he listens and loves 💕 ❤️ I love him ❤️❤️❤️

As far as our weather, we under area flood watch because yes we have flooding. Currently it has paused raining … we will have one break from rain on Friday and then 40 days and 40 nights lol – kidding but yes for many many days

I am rained out… bleh … I need sun!!! I am dying for sun!!! 🥀

Here is my area info:

https://youtu.be/eHm94vGhyVY

A lot of clean up of branches and trees and flooding in back road areas.

Monday they say be really bad … ok so we see

I would say we were taken by surprise on New Years Eve… we did not expect that much rain like that… and today was just boring rain, not pummeling

Here is another channels forecast :

https://youtu.be/QZgvJI3xar0

Ugghhhh ..how much LOOONGER for spring???

God I need sun!!! And warm ness

California is USUALLY NOT this insane

And DO NOT even mention drought, come summer 😶 !!!! I do not want to hear that this summer!!!

Ugh winter … cmon … enough… I am ready for spring ugh please enough … I need sun and not be cold and wet all the time!!! I look like crap every single day …

At home look great … leave house and be drown rat 🐀

Things with military are going well.

But he wanna move really really fast and that is just not even a reality at this moment ??

I have a daughter I am raising… so … I’m gonna need understanding and no pressure with that

I enjoy seeing him yes … I like him and feel at ease … but work also kills me …

My life always just work and kids … so … is different to have someone suddenly in your life? I got used to not having that…. So is an adjustment – but would be that way probably for anyone while I am at this job.

And he’s like 40 min away… and storming

This week at work killing me!! But when is it not?

And I have daughter… so not gonna see him for awhile?? Not sure?

I like him and that’s fine with me… not that I don’t love being around… is ok to have life too? Happens

Meaning realistically – like tonight for example… I got so beat at work today!! Omg sooo busy and nuts and crazy… so I come home exhausted – it had rained all day

So ya know… I just wanna go home and get in my warm Jammie’s – and be all cozy comfy warm

https://youtu.be/1RcVIuZ8Wdk

… my job exhausts me and it’s winter and rainy!!! You lucky on a good day lol 😘✌️🤷‍♀️

And I work sooooo hard for years and years … to build and live HERE. So… my days of driving were over 🙌

But now I drive again – he’s worth it … but my job is so incredibly draining … so …. It’s just something to get used to??

I don’t wanna burn myself out completely – I would like to NOT become my own customer!! 😮

It’s just a very draining crazy job sometimes

We talk but this week with rain and then my week has been nuts – let me introduce my world

I don’t respond sometimes too … because omg I am in middle of crazy or something and sometimes I am only one there … so … is not because I don’t like… it’s just a crazy job and I respond first chance I get

So we learning

Well anyway – bedtime again 😩 I can barely keep eyes open they hurt

Since weekend storm maybe I get to hunker down and veg? 🙏🙏🙏 we see – I want to do nothing

https://youtu.be/fLexgOxsZu0

😩 I just wanna be lazy for a day!!

Storm

Last nights storm was not bad … a lot of down tree limbs and some trees – but wasn’t crazy bad

Is not over – we have a one /two punch coming at us this weekend

It’s been pouring all day long – pouring boring rain ☔️

If we survive the weekend we ok

Is California weather people – they are used to sunny and warm so maybe they wrong

So far so good – I say as it pours

Doby does NOT like wind OR rain lol 😄

I can not pick him up anymore – he is too big now – maybe 40 pounds so I have to shove him out the door lol

‼️

We see what happens lol ✌️

When life happens 😮

It’s been bad and is raining again!! 😮😮 is soooo much flooding!!!

https://youtu.be/kcg9-_Kd4BA

We are totally already saturated 😮 and being pounded again at this moment … my yard … is a moat … I now officially have a castle compound lol … moat and all 😮 my backyard a complete lake 😮

So much flooding

https://youtu.be/VzgQoGvSKA4

https://youtu.be/YZUE4_PtOk0

And with military I understand him more and I like him a lot so… so far is going well

Ya know he’s kinda republican and stuff lol … but he’s good, he’s smart, funny – very sweet.

He just lights up to see me always!! Just his whole face lol … every time he sees me! he is totally like this:

https://youtu.be/cu6pclWsxzs

That is how he is with me …then he just smiles when with me – except if we talk about emotional stuff – cause some of that is sad and hard.

I said to him … look I don’t want you to to have a fantasy of me or anything ? I don’t want you to believe I am something I am not? Thinking that I am certain ways … you may find me boring ? I do not like any kind of drama 🎭 I told him I am different because of what went through and then also I work in funerals – so I just like the peace

And he just said – I know who you are, I know you are different – and then he said… I want that… and he made a real quick comment about the pressure he has.

So I slowly see … he has very fast paced life… but with me he can be himself and say whatever, and then I just have a peace or whatever 🤷‍♀️

I make a point to always say that I need the peace because is how I keep balance and how I cope. He is aware of my trauma I tell him enough to know is a serious thing

https://youtu.be/W_yRODJ6kfc

When he is with me the world just melts away… we laugh and talk… so I think with me is lifting of pressure he normally has?

He keeps saying he wanna escape away with me lol

Yeah he needs little soul respite lol … but yeah society and media/ especially social media has severe effects on mental well being – I am not a doctor – just an observer with an opinion lol

I think is negative and causes depression – on TOP of life’s normal hits

If you only knew how freeing it is to not care 🙌❤️ not have that chatter – have freedom to be however wish to be without influence ❤️👏 mostly lol … I am influenced by those I love and admire ❤️

Anyway… so yeah

He wanted to do dinner last night so ok … but my GPS did not account for flooding??? 😮😮 omg why you not account for flooding???!!!! Ugh whatever – what kind of GPS does not account for road situations??!!

I do not go out usually – so ya know I don’t like night driving and stupid people with brights on and don’t turn off when you right there – Jeez! Learn some consideration

And he told me to take one way… but ya know … I’m gonna do my own thing lol … I will hear you, but I will think I know better lol 😄😄 🤷‍♀️

So I will do my way – which would have been totally fine if stupid GPS would account for flooding!! Omg everything is flooded soooooo badly!!! Like LAKES instead of roads 😮😮

I wanted to attempt so badly – but no … I know my luck when I push it lol ✌️😘 I do not want that lol

So anyway took me awhile to get there because of flooding

So I thought ok … let’s just see how he handles me?

Well … he was just happy to see me as I mumbled about that drive lol

Later we talk and he tell me … at first he was stressed cause I late but then he said he thought “this beautiful woman is coming out to dinner with me and making effort coming to see me” so he just went with it and let go cause he just happy to see me

Ahhh nice answer – nice handle

https://youtu.be/-ScjucUV8v0

I know he is not used to my ways at all… but he does good. I am very different than he is…

But I think he wanna be little slower and free’er? Not have heavy pressure

Also he lets me take my time telling him anything about me 🥰❤️ he will ask… I am little uncomfortable with just speaking of in general cause I cry so I can’t really speak too much – so he just is fine with that.

I tell him I am still somewhat healing or coping lol , from my own stuff so 🤷‍♀️ but he doesn’t care

Last night he said… you are just amazing and refreshing to be around, you are not like how other women are…

Well as soon as he said that… I say… well like what?? What are other women like??

He smiled and laughed and said nah I’m not gonna tell you lol … he does not want me to be like other women and have those ideas lol 🤷‍♀️ that’s funny

Anyway… I don’t have fear or panic with him, is very mellow and enjoyable to be around him

He is typically high energy but I think he likes my slow speed lol

https://youtu.be/GcCNcgoyG_0

And “”California” ya know?

https://youtu.be/F57P9C4SAW4

https://youtu.be/cmbhfI8f_Ek

I’m just kidding … but I think he’s very considerate and thoughtful of how I need to be so… I like that… he is very chill with me which I don’t think is generally how is? Lol

I think my peacefulness rubs off when he is with me … he seems less tense when with me?

So.

I like that he is different but also accepting and thoughtful … so I like that.

He can be whoever he wants as long as he allows me to also lol … I wasn’t sure if he would like how I am but he just is full in 😮

I also wanna make sure he heals for himself? But I can definitely teach him to slow the world down … I do always remind him if he needs time I am fine with that – but he doesn’t want time

I just tell him to be careful because I have history of cancer and my mom has and grandmother had Alzheimer’s … so ya know you just take life as it comes at that point but be aware cause could be thing and then that is why you just simply cherish moments … be happy with what blesses your life – know you have a blessing

https://youtu.be/lrXIQQ8PeRs

We discuss things and I tell him/ he tells me and we understand so is nice … he listens and is trying to know what makes me tick … he does well – I like him 🥰 he is very romantic 💘

He not like other guys he is total gentleman always … he makes sure not to fuck it up lol … I like that … I have a rule in place that he is not allowed to buy me anything lol – I just prefer it that way – he listens but complains – whatever is a rule‼️ … not gonna listen on this one … several reasons for this rule!

You should see his smile when he sees me lol … like I said – his whole face lights up … every time! And he is just amazing to me 😮 always 😮

https://youtu.be/Bx51eegLTY8

I do think he learns with me though lol … I like that we can be different but still get along and not have any effect … I like that a lot

He will have his ways – which I have no problem with … but just also know who I am lol ✌️😘 I will have my own ways – 2 different lives

Tonight on phone he told me he doesn’t think I am boring at all. He says I make him so happy

It’s not my personality that is boring … just how am is. I am not a “go-out’er” or a partier … I just live very peaceful quiet life balancing the death

https://youtu.be/vOTtCjGqXYo

But we see – maybe he just not see me as boring? I am funny though – I’m just quiet person

This is how he is with me:

https://youtu.be/LjhCEhWiKXk

❤️

I tell him be easy… because things make me tear up and am sensitive so easy with your heart touching things … and ya know is just sensitive

I am getting used to having someone around my life – I am still determining how that is lol … I like him and enjoy time with him but I do need down time – cause I like to just be home and be chill

It’s hard to always be driving places – but he’s amazing so I do lol … but ya know – am quirky … Am very used to shutting the world off not going out in it lol ✌️ but like I said he’s so amazing so I do.

https://youtu.be/lp-EO5I60KA

So we see – I am taking it as it’s coming at me. Also observing and being quirky lol … I say stuff so he’s aware of things – I don’t want him having blinders on – I want to be able to heal and things and I’m gonna have to go VERY easy there

So … is an adventure. I like him alot 😊 he definitely sweeps me off my feet 👣 😮❤️

Definitely treats me like a queen ❤️

https://youtu.be/IWIxA7M_-ZA

Floods of Life lol

It will NOT stop raining – it just pours the boring rain… but we have flooding everywhere!! We are water logged already!! Rivers are rising fast!

https://youtu.be/4fwV0bu8_oc

That forecast is from last night – I am in the foothills areas with the massive rain 🌧️ 😮

Omg just constant rain patter!

https://youtu.be/TzFnYcIqj6I

So much water!!

https://youtu.be/SmM0653YvXU

Ok so… ugh so much … I never know where to start?!

So military has been taking me to dinner and meeting people … which is fine…

I am seeing and getting to know who he is as person – I like him… he makes me laugh and he’s very proactive lol … but he is go go go all the time

And sometimes he says things that ?? I don’t know?

Ok first things first… I do enjoy being around him, he is awesome and still very romantic and heartfelt. Sorta

Yes he is romantic and full of life… he is heartfelt cause we will talk and he has emotions.

But I feel that if you love someone – you love them as they are… period.

I mention to him that I have been through alot… and my job is very heavy… I work hard and am proud of self. Is not easy… I pour all my energy into my kids and work.

I tell him I am probably boring and I am quiet and low key… just quiet

And when I said that to him – he said, well I’m hoping to fix that for you

Ok wait. Cause what if I like that? What if I need that. what if I want that?

I’m not too sure about too much life ?? I do not know how much I can handle? Or want to?

I have life – but I also have death … and with everything been through I am tired so … I want to love life peacefully ?

And I accept someone as is… who they are ? I don’t think about what I can fix or change ?

Also… he has not seen my world… I only see his to know who he is… but he has not seen my world.

I am very different.

https://youtu.be/SxGLPVvNjvY

My people are unique as well ❤️❤️ … all the women are very beautiful ❤️ and we all have really hilarious personalities lol ❤️ … some are bulldogs … some are quiet like me… some are spooky lol … they are all amazing … they all very different ❤️

Make me laugh and smile daily ❤️ … where I have fit … they have heart ❤️ … you have to for the job

Anyway – I am going to need to heal and be at my own pace with my own things.

I am not going to be able to handle pressure from personal life … I love to enjoy life moments in general and then once in awhile – usually in spring and summer – I like to do fun things lol

Not so much in winter, but I am doing things to see who he is- I’ve giving my time – I don’t mind hanging watching tv or talking over dinner and all that… I like that… but I am not a go out all the time person at all!! 😮 not in slightest!

I have brought up my peace and quietness several times … my personality is full of life wonder … but my world is peaceful

Also… I am quiet and listen to his stories and how his life is… I don’t speak of mine much – here and there about my family but very vaguely with bad stuff

Ya know… it’s gonna be too much. So why revisit? I have my life nice and peaceful and somewhat balanced.

I can not do if you think you can fix or change me ? I can not do if I think you will crush my spirit or not let me be me?

Yesterday… one of my people had a phone call from someone … who was upset about a car in the parking lot … because this vehicle had a bumper sticker that said “my body, my choice”

Ok well we all have freedom of speech and hello this is America 🇺🇸?? Are we not land of the free?

Well they were offended by the bumper sticker on the car … ok well is not a violation

But they said if they had seen that they would not have chosen us.

Ok but again they have freedom of speech and we are open to all… no matter beliefs or personal opinions

Anyway… in same terms I do not want to be told how I should be or what I can do.

So I am cautiously watching…

We see how he does with my people 😮

Ugh and that’s another thing … I am doing a lot of things … but I do miss the downtime peace for my soul.

My boss wanna come out tonight and might stay over … plus him… plus my kids.. plus 2 other couples – omg so many people and we flooding – I don’t know whats happening … shit show? 😮😮 lord help me lol

I kinda yearn for the peace and quiet in the living room with Doby and kids ❤️

I am not a go out person 🤷‍♀️

But I can for little while just not all the time.

So I don’t know if he thinks I am someone I am not… I don’t mind melting together but I can’t just not be who am and I am not sure what I can actually handle ??

I can’t be go go go… so that will never happen. I am not gonna kill myself … so no.

I do not like having to be “on” all the time. I like being boring and having peace

I will do stuff but just I need time to melt into someone and I can’t just melt into their world… I have a world too.

So if he is truly heartfelt and does like how he says he does … I am either going to be a love or a lesson 😮

https://youtu.be/IGVZOLV9SPo

https://youtu.be/hq2KgzKETBw

So we see

Omg 2023 gonna kill me 🤦‍♀️

https://youtu.be/8j741TUIET0

I do not fit into a mold nor will I be ok conforming into something I am not or being told how I need to be … sorry no ✌️

https://youtu.be/1LMSOfs10mA

Ok well Happy New Years Eve!!! 😮 I probably be back next year lol 😘✌️ – god willing 🙏

https://youtu.be/Aop6YF1Xqqg

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