Sometimes I think I see her?

Her face light up the minute I walked in that room!! 😮… her face was down and ho hum… and I walked in, she see me come around curtain and her face just lit up with huge smile ❤️ l

So I just grab chair and be beside her… she looks better than I expected… she has healing black eye from fall?

We can’t do any heart procedures like they suggest because her levels – they can’t stabilize her levels

As doctor talking to us, she listening to all his words… it look like she was in thought with the words?

Tmrw “maybe” we do colonoscopy ? But depends if she stable – we doing blood transfusion because she is losing red blood cells somewhere?

The doctor say they gonna give her something to make her poop … give her diarrhea … I look at her with wide eyes and she look at me and we laugh like little kids and make faces lol ❤️ she make me laugh with her faces so much ❤️ her personality is still there ❤️

And then I talk about things in the past… all the funny memories and things – and we laugh and laugh ❤️ I swear she is there???

Is it me just wanting her to be there? Or is she really truly there??… I think I can see and feel her sometimes like she is there with me 😮😮🙏 but I want that so bad so is it me?

When was just me and her I say “you ok? They taking good care of you?” She say “oh yes”

I said “are you scared?”

And she look at me and made sad face, put her eyes down, and then zoned back out on the tv. So I drop that and change subject to have her laugh again.

I would tell stories of past vacations or funny things and she laugh like she remember!! She can’t really speak much, so I just talk.

Her voice is soft and gentle. Kinda quiet and minimal.

But I swear sometimes I think she come to me?? But again is that because I want to believe that so badly or is she really with me?

Sometimes I swear she with me?? You should see her just light up when I walk in!! Full face light up and she reaches out for me when I sit next to her to hold hands ❤️ she just so happy when I am there with her – like she has comfort. We come to be with her.

But also… seeing me?? She maybe knows is serious? Was not a planned vacation for happy times.

Then she tired, so we left to let her sleep.

And then I keep thinking of her… what if she does know? She see me and maybe know? 😭💔

It’s very emotional thing to face your ending or your mortality.

And then to think about all of the life you leave behind 😭💔

So 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Anyway… I been doing good not crying – I better go before I just keep crying.

My mom ❤️ she just lit up!! ❤️ I am her first born ❤️ I am funny like her and together we have comedic perfection lol ❤️ timing perfection and same wave length ❤️ she makes me smile always ❤️

We make faces and have animation lol ❤️ we still laugh ❤️

What if hurts her to leave as much as hurts us to lose? Because she has no control either

What if she still knows things ??

It makes me cry how badly I want to believe.

Anyway. Ok bye 👋 ❤️