Whatever stuff

I don’t even know where I got that but I was looking through my 21,000+ photos on my phone lol – yes I have to clean it – I am messy inside technology lol

My life is clean and sparkly … but my computers and phone are junked up with tons of stuff lol

Dunno why?? 🤷‍♀️ but I am a very messy technology person. 😮 everything else I keep organized and clean except that 😝😝

I keep everything …

I am a technology hoarder lol 🙌😄😄

Anyway… that’s what my therapy dog would look like if I had one lol – totally need one lol

I found many gems in my photos lol how funny, but I have over 21,000 so bound to find SOME funny stuff and good memories

It goes back to 2017… 5 years of photos on my phone lol … is good and bad memories

Anyway…

So there is something about me that I know … I already know… I know because it does effect my life …

I do not mind that it effects my life, so then sometimes I wonder if it is bad that I do not mind?

I tell you I want peace… so anything that is not peace I want nothing to do with…

Also I had a lot of trauma, which I probably do not face the way I should… but is past so why face now? It’s over. Is not peace to face that so I don’t wanna

And then … ya know I always say “I’m not really ready”

One of my married guy friends tell me how much he love being married and blah blah blah yeah yeah

I would like companionship … but what I said to him is … how long you been married?

He say 15 years

Ok dude lol … you have been off the market for very long time – you do not know the algae that grew on that dating pool lol … you do not know what is like now 😮😮😳

I told him …step back and look at the world …and you think dating world any better than what the world itself shows? yeah whatever 🙄

He just laughed but I am not kidding lol … everyone say date date date … but ya know… I’m more of a flow person ? I don’t want the pressure

And again – I am too busy and also tired lol

Sigh.

Also… I’m gonna stay where I am right now btw… when I make a decision, if the one I am jumping too makes me stress this much over the decision – I think I am supposed to stay for right now?

If it doesn’t feel right then I can’t do it.

That was in my photos too! Lol

I just like peace

Anyway… moving on

Anything that caused any kinda trauma – I stay FAR FAR away from and that part effects my life. I say that simply here but there are some deep details no one knows 😮

I can handle working and all that because that allows me to not be at mercy… it gives me peace…I don’t have to trust or depend – just work… I might be little bit workaholic but whatever is the job really.

Anything that gives me peace I love… and if it didn’t or doesn’t – I want nothing to do with it. I just can’t.

With many things.

(Death is not peace to me so that’s a odd section of self… because I stay with it… is not peace but allowed me to survive strongly, and it came into my life when I needed to survive – it took everything I loved away – but then held my hand 😮 and let me stand up)

So whatever – there is that.

There is one thing I have to do… but I can not bring myself to do it! I just can’t – I can’t

I think of all possible ways I can get myself do to this thing and nope – can’t do it. ??? I just can not!! 😮 I seriously have to – but I just can’t

I think “won’t be bad – will be fine” … but I don’t trust that. And is not peace

But it is something that I seriously need to do – I am just paralyzed with it?? With a few things actually ?

So not really sure how to fix that – but I do need to somehow handle. Someday maybe? Maybe?

It doesn’t bother me… but it can be dangerous if I don’t … but since is not peace I want nothing to do with it 😳

So we see

I’m not ready on alot of things – and that’s why life gets fed up and pushes me lol …

I wrote a blog one night but never posted – I had fallen asleep (surprise lol) but you know how I have that hot tub and we getting it up and running?

Ok well that very first day when they had drained it… I was excited and grabbed all my bathing suits to try on and see what I want this year

Well for a very long time I was in middle of nowhere. So I could wear anything I wanted and not really think?

But I am in town now… is different.

When I excitedly started trying on the swimsuits… then I remembered

I forget all about the white white Irish skin … and then deep deep purple scars … they have not lightened – they are and they stay purple… and against such white skin… it is seriously like NEON sign!!

I see that every morning when I shower or any time I change or something … doesn’t bother me “myself” … I do think they are beautiful – they are

It doesn’t phase me to see MYSelf … and I share with other cancer patients… that doesn’t phase me either… I am more than happy to share story if could help someone else

But… is also personal …

I need to find a suit that will cover the scarred area, none of them do that!!

And I am not comfortable with just any people seeing … it is Neon sign … deep dark purple just sliced up like that, against skin that is so white because it’s been winter … I bundled – no sun was seen by many areas lol …so areas are blinding! 😳

It’s not that I don’t have healthy body image – totally do – trust me lol …

And I have learned to love the breasts / they are ok… I do miss my old ones. Odd huh? Whatever I do not have sensation in my chest at all … you can touch but I don’t feel anything – just sorta the pressure sensation of touch? But pretty much nothing. They are just decorative lol

I am glad and thankful they save my life and also made me not feel so devastated with these.

They just different – I like them. currently lol

But no one has really seen them – they totally fine… but is that shocking look of the purple up against such white skin – it bothers me because “as if” breasts don’t draw enough attention … add that they are fake and then also have a neon sign 🤨

For some reason hit me when I look in swim suit??

I am not in middle of no where now – I have neighbors and people around.

And it’s not totally the neon sign part? But also how emotional they are so ya know… I’m just private and that’s emotional / you have to be careful because some sections of what I went through still make me cry…

So I think it’s the attention it would draw so that freaks me out a little?? maybe that’s it ?? Because I don’t like a lot of that kind of attention anyway. I like peace with that!!

It just looked overly shocking and just ya know… it’s gonna draw your eye. It just is.

I see it every single day, and I never notice or think about / is just normal … but then I forget when I put on a Swim suit … it seriously did not hit my mind til the swimsuits

Oh yeah … I forgot

I’m alive so doesn’t matter – but it’s just so personal and yet a total neon sign – I am just way more private and really like peace!!

Ok well I’m about ready to have this…

Lol – that was also in my photos

✌️

Good night 🌙💤😴😘