Lessons you learn

So Tuesday was insane. I’m so tired all the time… and then pulled in soooo many directions omg!! My stomach turns. Let just not talk about it – it makes me tense.

Tonight my oldest came over and help me scrub hot tub … we did ok job but I don’t know how to drain what we refilled so – they gonna come back lol

But we did scrub a lot 🧽

It’s a brand new hot tub – not really ever used … I looked it up and is a spa from San Luis Obispo, California

It wasn’t too bad but still need to be drained again and flushed – I dunno how to do that … not my forte lol ✌️

How nice will it be after work to sit in hot tub ? Omg – but I have to stay awake to do that lol

So I will have a hot tub 😮😮 I just have to take care of it 😳 so we see how this goes – and also … this will also depend on my electric bill because if it gives me a heart attack – then no

Today was ok… had a good day actually.

My oldest came over to scrub hot tub with me. ❤️

He is the sweetest – this kid is really good to me ❤️ I love him so much!! I had to take a work call while we scrub that down 😮 was just with a coworker about stuff at work that we coordinating

But he and I continue scrub while I take that call

I felt bad.

Also… I got another perspective with someone. I understand them completely now 😮😮

Is a very dear and close friend

But … here is the thing – I know things and I am quiet and observant and I listen … so …

I adore this friend of mine very very very much – he is a man but non threatening … sooo smart/intelligent!! I could just listen and discuss the laws all day long … I know we weird lol ✌️

He has a wonderful sense of humor – he is secretly hilarious … he just pretends to be hard ass lol … everyone afraid of him at first – because he is so smart and doesn’t like incompetence…but I didn’t meet him that way lol

I thought he was nerdy when I first see him because he always wears a nerdy thing I do not want to say what is … because is sooo unique lol

But anyway .. he makes me laugh – and treats me like a human being … I laugh and we think similar ish … I enjoy him

He is completely off limits!! So that’s not a threat

I know he’s sick – he doesn’t know that I know. I just be quiet and not say anything – I just listen

I know if I keep him in my life he is gonna hurt

I know he gonna get worse and I gonna watch that

I know what will happen…

I am afraid of those things because I don’t take well… you would think since I work for funeral home – I would have it down – but no… I don’t

I’m sure he is just careful with me – he knows me very well. He knows my story and my silence

In my eyes, he’s this incredible, smart, funny, caring human being.. I have always known him to be good to me. He is a particular person – brilliant mind!!

But what he is sick with… is going to take him away 😭

And then sooooo many things make sense now!! I understand so ok

It explains a lot

So.

I am in thought with because that is going to be hard and that’s gonna hurt.

So people always hurt – inevitable

It hurts BUT I would rather have in my life for the moments he is… even though I already know it’s gonna hurt to watch and it’s gonna hurt to lose 😮💔

I do not like aging – where is science on making us live forever?? Although I do not know that I would want that – this world is crazy!! I don’t know how much I can take

So I am willing to be hurt because the human being means more to me than the hurt bothers me 😮😮 and I do not like anything that’s gonna make me cry or feel the heart … very sensitive with losing my people.

But then you think is life so … you are helpless against what life wants to do. You have to learn to accept how life goes. It will force you.

Anyway. Just life I guess

I just have many people in my life right now who I am going to lose 😳

I do feel fear with that.

Everyone has a time – but I not ready for things like that – life does not care … it is gonna make me face things … it’s not gonna stop – it’s gonna keep coming I have many many people in my life who I am in danger of losing to death 😳😮

So… should that happen with any one of them… I will go severe silent… I will just cry and not have desire to participate in life, for little while til I can’t anymore

But then one of life’s lessons – for me, at least, is to learn to let go. I have hard time.

But I do cause life forces you to. – but I understand how someone could possibly die from heartbreak

Anyway I am exhausted and I need sleep I work later this morning … so can not happen again

Gnite

😘❤️