Absorbing

So… Monday

What can ya say… Monday stinks

Always there is many things happening… always stories for you…

But you know my girlfriend who I don’t agree with her lifestyle? I don’t mind it FOR her – it’s just against my beliefs … is not gay or anything like that. Something TOTALLY different!

Way over my head … but anyway…

She had Breast implants the same time I did… mine was because of cancer – hers were because she wanted them.

Mine are silicone… they feel jelly. Is soft … they feel closest to real.

Hers are saline – cheaper and less problems if pop – the body just absorbs … if mine pop can cause lots of problems – so let’s hope I do not pop!

But she did!!

Her right side popped the other day…

I asked how she knew popped – she said she went to lay down and one breast was gone 😮

…so she was going to go back in and have them fix and replace. She had to do some lab work to make sure she ok for surgery and her white cell count came back REALLY high … enough to indicate a large very bad mass

And her lymph nodes on that side are swollen and she’s tired a lot 😮

It doesn’t look good.

She’s had medical scares before but not as severe as this one.

Also she’s never usually scared but this time she is.

She’s young – she’s 45. So.

You really never know when death will face you…

I tell her… wait until MRI… then you will know what up against… once you know that – then they have fight plan.

Her boyfriend also left her last week so she is having some rough moments ☹️ she is a tough woman but today I just noticed a tenderness – wanting to be scared but not wanting to show weakness … that’s ok ya know … we all have weaknesses and this is certainly something where it is ok to feel weak.

She also said – it hurts her

I know it’s a mass – cancer hurts – mine hurt!! When she say that, my heart sink.

I’m not ready to be losing friends like that. I am not ready for that to start beginning …

When death comes too close into my life – it chokes me.

All day long, with other people, I can comfort and help through… no problem … am ace at it.

But when it touches my own life – that’s too close

I already feel the heart bleed of losing my mom and she’s still here … hers will do me in for awhile – it’s gonna be awful.

And then – my friends … I wouldn’t be where am without them in my life … how life gonna let me have that and then take away?

And then does that worry you? – because it’s always gonna hurt!! I don’t want to lose them.

She came into my life during all my surgeries … I met her through our daughters … but every surgery I would wake up in recovery room and she would be there – to see if I need anything, could she do anything for me? Etc etc

At that time I was cautious also (surprise surprise lol)… and I always be fine… i polite and say thank you but be cautious – I keep distance til I know intentions or who are

I would try to keep her at distance but she kept wanting to be my friend. She just tried and tried … I was in moments of severe silence and I had pushed everyone away – she knew and kept trying to be there for me… she never wavered

So ok, I will let her come into my life… I started walking with her, and we would talk while we walked …

She immediately right from start told me about her lifestyle … at first it was just too far over my head … but her friendship and devotion also loyalty … so I see different … if that’s how she wants her life and she is happy – I do not care as long as she happy and doesn’t effect me.

It has never effected me. But she laid it out for me… it took me few days to absorb the things she tell me. But ok … her friendship was so loyal and sincere so how I say no? I liked her and she also accepted me as is…

I used to cry when I was going through cancer and everything, it was really emotional – she let me cry. And then she would sternly have me get through it… she kept me strong

She even took care of me for a month when I was recovering from one of the surgeries

She’s loyal and she doesn’t expect in return – just just has a beautiful soul

https://youtu.be/ek2PDE1cAyY

So anyway… she’s never been judgmental – she helped me stand up…

So I feel small section of my heart be scared with her … I want to be positive – but for first time with her I am really scared.

I do not like when death comes too close to me.

It’s close to me always – but I don’t like when it comes after my people. Stop taking my people!!!

And then I also imagine losing my friends like that and that send really awful feelings through me!! How I gonna be ok through all that? My heart will bleed constantly and I am a cryer. I am very sensitive if you hit my heart.

On a daily basis – I can handle death pretty well – it just can’t come close … I have hard time it comes close.

Just hurts to think of losing people you love or who mean a lot to you. Definitely chokes me up

So I feel little quiet – I am absorbing her news

I’m getting pretty tired of bad things this decade!! How much change do I need?? Damn!!

https://youtu.be/SlPhMPnQ58k

We know nothing yet so… until I know how severe or how bad … I’m just gonna breathe.

Ok life can quit the shit please. We’ve had enough – stop with the Covid – we are tired of it… stop the stupid war – what is the point of it at this point? Really Putin? I feel sorry for him because he does not know the value of human life. What a sad existence … what a sad little man.

What else? Global warming – can we just stop all of it – I wanted that ONE week in March for the whole world.

How about a week in July? We should do that. I’m going to anyway – whether you do with me or not.

But life should back the shit up!! Ugh!!!

I want to say hurry up 2030… I just wanna be out of the 20’s!!! I’m good – they suck!!

But when I think that… I keep hearing my grandmothers words …”don’t wish your life away”

I was that child that always wanted to be older or hang with the adults lol … I always couldn’t wait for something lol

I don’t wish my life away… I just wish away all the crap life is dishing out! This is a hard decade and we are not even at the half way mark yet omg!

So yeah I still hear my grandmothers words – see people carry on even after death. (not that it makes me feel any better)

https://youtu.be/lrXIQQ8PeRs

2 thoughts on “Absorbing

Add yours

  1. I pray for the good recovery and health of your friend and yours. It’s a tough decade, yes. Many things happening at the same time. Difficult to process it all at once. So we need peace and harmony without any deaths. God bless you and your close ones.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you – I pray too! 🙏🙏

      Death is part of life that is hard to accept – it would be wonderful to keep people forever – but it can’t be that way.

      I just hope there is some peace through everything for everyone.

      It’s always hard to lose anyone

      Death is apart of life – but we don’t want to speak of it or think of it… it’s hard and it hurts to lose people.

      It’s hard to watch someone you love suffer and you are helpless. At the mercy of life

      I pray for her to be ok… but I don’t have very high hopes because of her white blood cell count and the swelling and pain… all of that is very bad. So I worry

      And it’s hard to think you won’t have them

      But it is life so half of me forces myself to accept what life is and understand it…

      And the other half of me – doesn’t want that to happen… I don’t wanna understand life and death and it’s scary

      But I pray for her and hope for best case scenario 🙏🙏

      Thank you very much for your kind words and support here ❤️ very appreciated

      Liked by 1 person

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