Not the day

Good morning ☀️ Happy Weekend 🙌❤️

Although I might have to go into work… either today or tmrw … I am not very motivated to go in today – but we see. I have to do some things around the house… so I wanna do my things first. Then we see. I don’t want to. I might have to? We see

I just have a lot of work… is month end and tons of people going on vacation and I will have a second location shortly

Only for a moment until they can hire another office manager.

So just lots of work… my boss going on vaca too – so I have to run all those reports and things

I don’t think I’m going to go into work today? I need a day. ✌️

I had a very exhausting day yesterday…

Yesterday I talked with a family about grief counseling – they have a very tragic death. They are having a hard time – their hearts are completely broken! 💔

We offer a compassion helpline that has grief counselors to help you process and come to terms with your loss

We offer many things

While I can be gentle comforting and compassionate … I do not have professional training as a counselor … of course I will listen and be there… but the counselors are highly trained in severe cases.

Is ok if you struggle with a loss … it hurts. You are human (hopefully ✌️) death is final… and if the death itself was tragic, that makes it even worse

My heart sincerely breaks for this family 💔 I am so sincerely sorry for their loss

So that was hard. 💔

That’s kinda hard to have the pressure of work itself … and then in this particular case the whole thing sincerely breaks my heart and then to see the family so devastated.

It’s a job …but then you get invested and of course you care for people. It’s not just paperwork and numbers

Well anyway – that was sad and hard. I’m so sincerely sorry for their loss!! 💔😢 🩸

I have a new girl in another department – that has work I do not even deal with… every 2 minutes she is calling, texting or emailing… (that is only SLIGHT exaggeration… it might be every 5 min)

Ok I am doing month end and working with families and losses … I do not mind new questions or helping someone new …

But do not constantly do that… I have to do stuff and I have high pressure!!!

She is too much, relax, it will be fine … she is very very very overzealous – which is GREAT!

But every thought that pops in her head she is calling me with. Ok now … maybe she does not have same pressure I do?

It’s just to the point of when I see her name coming up on the phone… I cringe a little 😮 but only because is so much and I have deadlines.

Gather all your thoughts and questions through the day and then call me with all of them… one call, email or text …many birds 🐦🐦🐦

Yesterday she was constant.

It’s not her… well sorta … because it’s a lot… but the corporation hires new people with no experience in funerals and really suck at training!! Omg!! Across the board

She wants to hit it out of the park – I get it.

I love to help but when you on me constantly to where is effecting “me doing my job” that is hard! If she could save up a few questions and thoughts… and ask me all at once… that is better than constantly every 5 minutes 😮 I do have a job to do … I don’t just sit there

I have deadlines and pressure. I am pulled away by other things also…

I just can’t do every few minutes! That is too much!!

I know she’s learning… so I am trying to keep that in mind and the corporation does not care – but they also want the work done by deadlines so that is my dilemma there.

Yesterday she was just constant all day long – ALL DAY LONG!

So that’s hard too… yesterday was exhausting … mentally and emotionally hard day.

Then I drive an hour to get home…

I had given a family my cell phone number for after hours in case they need me…

And I had to pull over because they were messaging – I want to make sure they are taken care of. ✌️ So I helped them

and I have the kids ONE night “Fridays” is my family night. ❤️ I love Fridays ❤️❤️❤️ I cherish those moments

But I walked in the door last night and the minute I put my stuff down and sighed to be home from that day…

The neighbor began texting my phone 😟… ugh ok …

The neighbor wife seems to always have drama things? Everything is always bad

So my kids are all excited to be with me and play things – spend time as family…

But … she said her sister was diagnosed with breast cancer. How I not help? They don’t know how bad or anything yet, she was really in hysterics… just found out

I can’t drop everything and run over – but I did tell my kids – “I’m sorry I have to help someone… let me just help her”

But I am all calm and I work with death … I am facing losing my own mom…

Also I have to keep my own self very calm. So I am calm.

Plus… I am a realist… I am a dreamer and also very heart ridden and have emotions… but I am a realist

So … I let her vent …

But you have to be strong… you can not let life take you down with things.

If you get too overwhelmed – take one thing at a time – breathe… I can’t say it will be ok- because it might not be.

She has to be strong for sister because “think how scared SHE is” – you face your own mortality …

You need all that energy to fight cancer… be strong. It’s not an easy road!! It’s very emotional!! I still have issues remembering

But it is life. Life still goes on and the world still turns.

There are times in life that it feels so heavy… breathe…

I told her – this is on your plate, it is a moment, be strong – you can do it … make sure understand what is about to come at you…

What I can say is take things one at a time… and also journal… journaling helps … she can get her thoughts and pain out and it’s a release of pressure ✌️

She show me pictures of sister from biopsy … ok let me tell you… when they do those biopsies- expect really awful looking bruising!! It looks horrible – you are black and purple and green and yellow!! The whole breast or areas that biopsied

And you bandaged – so it looks really bad … I have same photos … that is normal. Is trauma to that area.

I showed her the photo of my own biopsies and also I show her the photos from before and after the mastectomy 😢💔 (see that is hard!!)

I had tubes and drains …all that… and my chest was gone and I was all black and purple – those photos are very shockingly emotional.

But it’s ok. I am alive to share those photos … so … it’s gonna be rough… they are going to have to remain strong – you don’t have a choice.

But she is more dramatic because then she tell me all her own problems – which is everything …

She tell me she have money problems … so I said … do you want a job? I can pull strings and with reopening we need people!! I can get her a job in a second if she can work! They trust my recommendations and work. They trust my words so absolutely I can get her a job in a second!!

I know for me… this job working with death really helped me process my own losses somewhat?

It removed the fear and unknown of death? It also helped me grow…

But then she say – she can’t work …too many health problems

And her and her husband are having issues … they didn’t know each other very long and met off Tinder 😮

They have a lot of problems 😮

Before him she bounced around from boyfriend to boyfriend / he had money.. now he has no money. But you create and view your own life… so I don’t know what to say to those things ??

All her problems are nothing if she about to watch her sister have breast cancer.

It is her sister who will need strong support… so she needs to breathe and be stable.

Also I do kinda struggle to handle massive dramatics. Yesterday was so emotionally draining …that the dramatics and hysteria she was trying to have, was too much for me …

It was at end of day and I am so already drained myself

I instantly try to calm and get her to focus.

When I first got diagnosed… i had just lost my father, grandfather. I sort of also just lost my mother to Alzheimer’s at that time.

I remember being by myself… I wasn’t allowed to tell my mom, because they said it could loop her in a terror memory – I couldn’t do that to her… so I stayed silent and went by myself.

I remember sitting with the doctors and surgeons … and they were explaining everything to me and using medical terms – as if they didn’t really speak “English”… only “Doctor”

They were just going to rush me into surgery and all these things

My head spun… and the whole time I just sobbed in front of them while they spoke… they would stop and ask if I was ok… yes I am … I can’t control the crying so just speak – I hear what you say

That is how my first meeting on that went

And I went to the car… sobbing still and called my aunt who calmed me down… and she was a nurse so I told her all the words and she calmly walked me through that…

That calmness helped ❤️ so I remember that

I just have to watch my own emotions too. ✌️

It is ok to release the pain and cry or get upset … let yourself do that… it’s ok to be a puddle.

That is a pressure release / and you human … that’s ok.

Take a breathe

When you calm,.. Take one issue at a time… if you take them all at once – you will overwhelm yourself and you won’t be able to function or handle.

You handle one issue at a time … you know what you are facing. Get ready!! It’s not gonna be easy and you are going to need strength and fight!!

I used to fight the doctors when they would tell me to give up my life to fight this… they used to tell me will take everything I have… and it did – I thought I could do it all and handle it… I could not… I had to put my life on hold… my life was only doctors and hospitals for a couple years.

And you also have to remember – life is going to happen… you are going to have REALLY amazing moments and REALLY sucky moments

There are going to be joyous births and amazing things 🙌… but is also going to be death and sucky things

That is how life does… life is a balance

And always cherish what you have – never forget that!!!!!!

You have ONE life (cause you don’t know what happens after that- could be nothing at all) …

How do you want your life?

Cherish cherish cherish!!

So anyway … I couldn’t run over – I had my kids – and I needed to have them. Fridays mean a lot to me!! I also need to keep my own self stable ✌️

The day was not mine yesterday at all!!

I didn’t have a lot of time devoted to kids yesterday.

My oldest went out to dinner this week with all his old friends … the ones he’s been friends with since elementary ❤️

Awwwww … I see them all as little boys still lol … even though some have kids 😮 they were good boys lol ❤️

I was asking about how they all are !!! Awww 🥰 crazy to me that they all are grown men lol (but not really because I still see little boys lol) 🤷‍♀️

So that was funny. We played a few games.

I have not decided what to do with CB yet… but I don’t understand him very well… sorta …

He says one thing and does another? It confuses me?

Tells me he want no emotions – ok well … welcome to life ✌️😘

And I’m probably NOT the person for you, if that is what YOU want.

But then ACTS like he has emotions. Texting me about hoping my day is amazing and things like that…

Ok so what are you doing? What do you want?

I’m gonna need you to speak honestly so I know what I am looking at or what will come at me. I don’t want these little games

I don’t want complicated or confusing… either you want or you don’t – which is it?

Make a decision or I will make it for you ✌️ he is walking a dangerous line.

I have my own issues and things … but I will put them aside and see if it might be worth it… he’s always been amazing with me so I just see

But the no emotion thing makes me want to just not have in my life. If no emotions then he can easily hurt, and nope 👎 sorry no… makes me want to instantly step away.

But then he does those sweet things, so what are you doing???

Which way is it??? That is who I am. I don’t ride without emotions. He knows this so… 🤷‍♀️

I have my own issues that go right up against his… his Satan’s are female … he has 2 that really devastated him

I only have one – but I get it.

But he is not dealing with them… he is dealing with me…

So I don’t know. I don’t like complicated or confusing.

He is going to have to be honest and direct here and if he can’t then “there it is” … I’m gonna need that!! He can’t be scared of me or emotions.

I just want peaceful – no emotions to me is not peaceful… because then I don’t trust won’t hurt and also he won’t be able to give me what I want then.

But if that’s too much for him, I understand. That also means, I have to back away.

I am just confused because he says one thing, but does another

We just have to talk – I will have to find some time. I am not in a rush because I never see him …so we see

I know I have my own issues… I am nervous too… but whatever I will take a risk if is worth it?

If he can’t or doesn’t want to take that risk – then ok. Got it. understood.

So what do you want? You better know 💋✌️

Here … my 2 favorite old songs lol ❤️✌️:

Careful not to sabotage something you want, or could be amazing so …

You just be careful – know someone …

He has known me forever so …

And let me also say this…

I have amazing people surrounding me ❤️❤️❤️

Currently my life is pretty amazing … but shhh 🤫 … don’t let life know – I don’t want it to not be amazing lol ✌️

I enjoy my life even though I work work work… I enjoy every moment (maybe not so much “the meetings” ✌️😘)

But I love my moments ❤️

I am not going to be some woman at his mercy … in any aspect… I am a strong woman

It is my humanity, gentleness and softness – where people misjudge my strength 😘✌️

So… do you know how to handle that??

I don’t care to go with any other boys or whatever … but you better remember – you don’t own me. Don’t try to control or manipulate – that will go very badly.

But then also this song … lol…

I am not in love, because I do not feel at ease with him there. … and even to remain in my life as a “friend” … I need direct and honest at least!! I need very clear!

The people who I pull close in my life are extremely special to me – otherwise they aren’t close. I’m just very careful …

Obviously I think he is a good person and is special …because if I didn’t …he would not even be so close!! But if that is not what he wants then ok – let me step back.

I am not sure if ..I don’t understand him because he is country? ..Or because he is a man? ..Or could it be because he is a Trump fan? (lol sorry sorry sorry!!!!) But maybe? Could be combo of all of that lol

I want peace… so if is going to be too hard for either one… it’s not good.

So whatever.

Ahhhh see why I always say that 🙌❤️ whatever 💋 such a beautiful word ❤️ ✌️

Just like “we see”

I have words that I love ❤️✌️

I’m gonna end on that note – I be reading shortly – almost done (just having lunch lol) ✌️