Oh no ☹️

Uh-oh 😮

If you have followed me for awhile… before covid I used to go over my girlfriends house a lot… she’s the one who is complete opposite of me. She’s my best friend!

When I was coming out of surgery and pushing everyone away… that woman wouldn’t let me push her out ❤️

And boy did I pull back!! I just wanted everyone away from me – I wanted peace and I wanted to heal

But everyone thought that because I lost my dad, my grandfather, my grandmother and then we discovered my mom had Alzheimer’s when my dad died – and then I got diagnosed with cancer – so … that was a lot.

Everyone was scared I was suicidal or something cause I cut myself off from the rest of the world.

I just needed to heal by myself. I wanted to be alone. Have peace – that’s all … I do love life so I would never … but people got nervous when uncharacteristically I went completely silent from everyone right after a major surgery

I was sad but not depressed … and I couldn’t take everything that was happening so I went severely silent.

My brain just coped that way. In a fight or flight choice – my brain chose flight.

Anyway… I tried to push her away too… and I would be quiet… she showed up at several of my surgeries and was supportive when I went through that…

And … she would bring me food, tons and tons of food and then she would also do these tiny things … tiny things that people don’t really notice? Unless you pay attention??

Those little things that just make you smile?

So she would do that for me… and after my son took care of me … she did.

Anyway.

She’s had some medical issues for maybe 2 years now?

So she’s been handling those and isolating with her family.

She just had some tests run – it’s bad. ☹️💔😭

She has chronic lymphocytic leukemia and B cell lymphoma 💔😭

So… I am scared for my friend. She is younger than me 💔 she’s been having a really hard time and then I am kept away with covid

I want to be positive and think oh she will be ok. It will be fine 💔😭 … it’s not gonna be fine 😭💔

Ok well – this is what is in front of me so ok.

I am helpless to do anything?? Just be supportive 😭💔

Crying isn’t going to do anything. But I can’t help it 💔

But ok… I just have to roll with it – it’s life right? … so we are each dealt different cards – you play your hand the best you can as long as you can.

Anyway – she means a lot to me. So.

Ok. So that was another punch to the gut. I am used to them by now… they still hurt … I just understand how to ??? I have to accept.

So I will be upset for a little while – so I process.

But I will have no choice but to accept. I hate being forced.

I hate cancer… and I hate covid!

And I know that this is life. So ya know – I know that. But she’s my best friend 😭💔

youtube.com/watch

Ok well I have to sleep, I have the tow truck coming tmrw morning early and my face will be all puffy 😝

Ok well… I still have her for now 😭💔 I am just very sad 💔

Alright well I try not to let my heart bleed like it does

Ok so is very different when I work, and I am removed from the situation…

Vs… when I love – fuck.