Trust

That was a little rough at first.

I am a communicator… so I like to deal with issues and clear them out… some people just want to let it fly away or bottle.

If I don’t communicate it will fester and grow larger…

I have to communicate, deal with, then let go. Then is free and not issue.

But it was emotional – we all cried. We don’t see the same.

They see it as taking sides between their mother and father… they are in the middle.

I see different… I see it as one person hurting and doing wrong to another – no matter who the person is. If someone is being mistreated you don’t just let that happen.

But they are in a odd position, I’m not going to see their way, I understand their position, I just don’t view it like that because they wouldn’t have to hide anything in first place it wasn’t dirty …and they aren’t going to see my way. They are stuck between the two they say. So whatever

My oldest was upset I said I didn’t trust, and cried because I said it broke my heart – which it did, and they can’t see it… so whatever

So … we talked and cried… all of us… but we hugged and moved on cause it was at a impasse. I won’t put them in the middle then. Do your thing

It’s not that I want them to pick sides but I suppose in a way is like that, but this wouldn’t be the position if their father wasn’t so brutal in the first place so… like I said whatever

I still feel really hurt, and I also feel like… I can’t share things with them now…

So badly I wanted to tell them all about this new job – I am excited and they are my worlds. But I don’t want to tell them anything they feel they can’t speak freely about or feel they have to hide from anyone and I don’t want their father somehow come after me with this new job and destroy that or try to come after me for any reason – I definitely do not trust him.

So I didn’t tell them ☹️💔 that kinda hurts – I am so excited about it … but I can’t speak of it. 💔

And my oldest has been there for me when I have needed him … cause that came up… but it is not his place and that is hard for me cause I struggled so much. And ya know, I’m the mom… I take care of them… not them take care of me

Anyway… so I didn’t say anything about the job. That was hard. But if they feel they are in the middle then I don’t want that from my end. So I’ll just be silent. 💔

We dropped it, and then they wanted to play Dungeons and Dragons… I don’t really get it – I do… but eh. Is ok, I was too tired and hot and emotional from earlier

Then… my girlfriend… the one I’m always close with… I trust her cause she has been there for me. Through alot!!

I had called her and told her about my car while was happening… cause I wasn’t sure what to do. She is smart

She told me to call this man, I know have him fix it for me…

Nope not doing that. Cause he “likes me” and ya know I don’t want that… I don’t want to bother and then have it open a can of worms.

I told her no not doing that, I’ll figure out.

So while I’m with the kids, my phone is buzzing. It was him… talking about my broke down car and the only way he would know would be her.

I am very private – if I say no, I have reasons. She is aware of this.

So when I responded to him… I said how is probably master cylinder? Or something like that … then I asked, how did you know about that anyway?

And he went silent.

Maybe 15 minutes later she texts me and asks how went and how things go with kids.

She’s the only one of my friends that knows this guy.

I have had suspicions that she tells him things ? But I really didn’t think she would… cause she is MY friend. Why would you give my info like that when I already say not to and I didn’t want that – I was very adamant

But there is no other way he could have known. And then she text me so soon after his… and right after I asked, how he knew.

So she is feeling out if she’s in trouble or not. I didn’t not respond – was after 9pm – in bed already

Yeah she just lost my trust – not telling her anything else. ☹️ I will be careful now

There is no other way he could have known.

This is why I am protective and silent. I can trust, but don’t break that cause I go silent.

Some people are really awesome and amazing… some you have to be careful with.

And also… sometimes there are people I do have caution with… like the police officer I asked for the professional reference from…

He’s that one that would always try to take me out or want to date… I am careful – and he is a friend. I do enjoy his personality and out of all my police – he knows me the best… which is again why I use caution, I enjoy him and our humor matches perfectly …

But he has a playboy rep… I know this. And he’s flirty. Very very flirty lol … but he is a good friend and I think whatever he said to this job – landed it!

Their words have heavy weight in the positions I use them in. Like the school and this one with the politicians. Of course that’s gonna have weight. I know that and I chose that because I know can land it for me.

Anyway, he also knows what’s going on with things – cause he’s the one I ask what to do with.

So whatever … he was supportive through it all. Before the kids came – I thanked him

I just texted and said “I don’t have a lot of time and can’t really talk currently… but I wanted to tell you, thank you for being supportive and confidential… and thank you for being a good friend to me”

Right away he text back and say…

Anytime and anything for you. I miss your face – have a good weekend!

He is a really good friend, I do actually trust him to be a friend and be caring. He is actually.

It just that playboy rep that makes me have little bit of caution with him.

I do really like his friendship though – appreciate very much.

So whatever. I have to absorb these things – all of it is running through my mind. Not sure exactly how I feel.

Trust is a big thing to me… so it just is.

Anyway, the heat today, and then such really high emotions of excitement and thrill… and then crying with the kids, and not seeing eye to eye… I do understand… but I hate not sharing with them. I feel I can’t now. I don’t like that but if they feel in middle I don’t want that. I will be silent so they don’t hurt or have to chose or carry secrets.

And then the car stuff …

I am exhausted – my eyes can’t even stay open. I work at ugly walls tmrw. All by myself – hopefully a quiet day 🙏🙏🙏

Ok I have to close my eyes

I’ll be back tmrw

This entire week been so crazy! I am still thrilled about the job… I just have to show them how I do on phones – then I got that …

Death is leaving my life I guess 😮 this new job would be a good transition back to life? I won’t have to drive all over or so far away.

I’m not going to tell my girlfriend I got that new job sorta … I will keep silent with that too – I just don’t like my information out there when I say no. You don’t need to speak about me behind my back. That is a huge way of giving me caution with anyone.

Ok I have to sleep – my eyes hurt

Gnite 😘✌️