Out of balance

Today I worked on a couple things with my case. So that is going ok with what I can do. I guess.

I also went to delete a ton of stuff off my phone…. stuff I do not use.

I came across an old app… is like a diary… it was from 2015/2016 right before I left.

Reading those things was weird … I had forgotten how bad it truly was… and then I read that… and the memories flooded back.

I knew was bad but it’s been awhile since I was in that … wow! I made the right decision ❤️ I don’t know what took me so long!! Fear I guess? Cause of all this … I knew he would be brutal – I just thought I would be protected

But reading that, made it very clear, I did the right thing.

Was weird to read that. It’s been awhile. I kept it.

And later years from now… when I am on the top of the world… I can come back whenever I want and read what I write here ❤️

It’s good to write things down to remember later. I’m so glad I got out ❤️ …my life is hard and I still have to deal with him … but I am glad I got away from him.

So. That was good to reread – I forgot all about that app. I had forgotten exactly how bad it was, and just to reread what I wrote 😮 … you remember you went through that… but as time moves on and that is not your life anymore you let it go – leave it behind… so the little details you forget… I’m always just avoiding it. So was interesting and almost surreal? to read?

In other news… I haven’t been mentioning it … “much” … cause I am not sure what to think about it?

That neighbor guy… I never see his wife but he has one – I saw her once.

He is just outside constantly if I leave or come home – there he is and runs over to chat… I think it’s harmless? I don’t think he means any harm? I think he is just that way?

But he runs right over. I am a little on the quiet side. And kinda skittish with the peace at my home being disrupted.

I am friendly – but I also like space … he is kind of invading my space. I don’t mind once in awhile – but every time he sees me he wants to run right over to chit chat, make friends.

Which is fine… but I need a little space … he’s literally right there all the time!!! I can’t step out of the house now! 🤨

I am now that weird girl who works at the funeral home and doesn’t come out of her house lol 🤨 scurries inside lol

I just need a little space – I am quiet, I’ve been working a lot… I’m handling a lot, I don’t really trust. And I’m not used to someone doing that!!

I am used to just having peace? When I work I leave at 7am and usually don’t get home until almost 7pm – but there he is… he sees me coming down the road and will stand and wait for me 🤨 waving as I pull in 😳

… and then he’s always like “heya trisha, how was work?”

Ummm good thanks, busy. And I feel like an asshole cause I have nothing to say, and I am usually exhausted – I don’t expect someone other than my daughter waiting for me.

Today I was home with daughter and he’s out there. So we just stayed inside – I need space little bit.

I feel like a jerk to say that cause he’s very friendly … and like I said – I think he is harmless … and I don’t wanna be a weirdo lol

So I am not sure what I think here. I want to be neighborly for sure. But I also need a little space… don’t come running right up on me all the time!

I am just not used to and where is his wife? It’s just I’m kinda quiet currently especially with people I don’t know.

I kinda still need my peace. So I’ll have to figure that out 🤨

I am also uncomfortable cause please don’t watch all my moves … that bothers me cause it makes me nervous. I know he’s being friendly but still it makes me nervous. It’s a little much.

Anyway… so that’s a thing 🤨

I texted my police guy… I know he has read by now… so he had the weekend – I have to figure everything out. So I texted.

He didn’t answer for a couple hours and he usually answers me right away… unless he’s working. So I waited for awhile.

Then I just said … “well I just wanted to know if there was anything I could do? But if you don’t know, that’s ok. Thanks anyway. “

And he said … wait, I’ll respond give me a little time.

So I am not sure if that’s good or bad and I am little uncomfortable because he knows it all now. I just don’t like that. I’m very private

But at least he did respond and says he will respond so ok. He always responds to me, so I shouldn’t worry – but I do.

Half of me, feels relief ? Little ? That someone knows everything in real life? But then at the same time – I feel panic with that!! 😮

Cause hmm… how do I say?

I just always have a smile, you would never know anything was ever wrong… no matter what I go through … unless you know me- you won’t see anything else.

I am soft though – very girly

But anyway… cause in the moments where I am cherishing life- even in the tiniest, most insignificant moment … I am happy. I am enjoying life and I like to have it happy. ✌️😘 …

I don’t want to be thinking or sad about the bad stuff. So I avoid that. ✌️ you won’t know, if you don’t know me.

Although… I am predictable in areas lol … but I am also mysterious-“ish” ✌️ I just like privacy. And I only let you know me, if I feel safe. I am very sensitive with feeling safe.

But I am always happy… so I don’t want you to know my sadness and I don’t want you to see that. Generally, in real life speaking 😘✌️

I don’t want to say stuff or show stuff because I will cry. So I don’t tell. I don’t want to.

So I am just uncomfortable because … I said stuff. And he knows stuff, so he really knows what is happening or what I say is. He trusts me that I am honest. I am and I was.

I am private. Cautious.

I just keep that area of my life very silent. I don’t reach out. I stay quiet. I don’t trust. So I am scared. It makes me uncomfortable and I feel little nervous. It’s one thing to say here… I am relaxed here. And you can’t see me cry …if I do that. I like that better.

Even with my close friends – if I cry in front of them I turn away. I do not like my children to see me cry … I don’t like anyone to see that.

And now he will be able to look in my face now and know my pain so that bothers me. Unless you close… I only want you to know my smile.

Ok well. It is there now 🤨😑 so. I’m just gonna have to deal!!! Ughhhh

I hate all this stuff.

This is way outside my comfort zone!!! Way the F out there!!!

Ya know what… all of it … all of that!! Way outside my comfort zone!!! “Breathing”

ε -(´・｀)

It will all be fine. Not a big deal. I can handle. Maybe – we see 😘✌️ just kidding – I can handle I’m pretty sure. I always do.

Ugh… I am out of balance!!! My peace is invaded … and my privacy is at risk… my life is on the line … ugh… what happened?!! How and when did I lose balance?? It snowballed on me lol

Well whatever – deep breaths … it will be fine. Just a moment in time.

It just seems like it went off balance all at the same time 🤨 fricken 2020!! Stop the shit!!!

This year sucks.

With the exception of the masks – I like those. You only see my eyes, enjoying that very much ❤️ that is a bonus!!

It DOES have minus’s … like fogging up my glasses 👓 when I am trying to read!!!!!!!

Or completely suffocating me 🤨😷 …. and my daughter is constantly saying … aren’t we forcing ourselves to breath carbon dioxide? Isn’t that bad 🤨

I have no idea?

But I like that you only get my eyes. ❤️

Anyway… I have to get to bed – I’ll be back tmrw.

Gnite 😘✌️