When I broke…

I can tell you exactly when I broke…

I don’t wanna say the whole story right now… it will send me into a terror, so not right now… but I can tell you the moment I broke…

My last surgery was coming up, I was in a lot of pain and had been for months … they really messed up the right side.

I needed that final surgery to be done with it…

July 9th 2019 was my final surgery… 2 days after my birthday… I was excited to be done!!!

On July 5th I learned I had no insurance with the company who had been handling my care

That was Kaiser Permanente … I had been with them from the very beginning. They had handled the entire thing.

During that whole cancer fight, my ex was continuing to bury me in motions … finally, because I was in and out of surgeries – the court said no more – resume later, she is fighting cancer

He was pissed.

So he went and cancelled the insurance a month prior to my surgery. He did not tell me.

July 5th “Kaiser” told me 😮 an incredible panic rushed through me…

It was a holiday weekend and I had to get Aetna insurance to pay for a surgery that Kaiser was going to do…

And then I had to get Kaiser to agree to allow that to happen…

July 6th, 7th (even on my birthday) and 8th … I was trying to put a rush on it but holiday weekend so … I was sooo completely panicked

Anyway… I did backflips, and ran everywhere faxing this getting that… I was calling on phone constantly.

July 8th… I was still homeless during all this… I wasn’t working because of all the surgeries.

My son rented us a hotel room.

The night of July 8th I still had not heard anything – yet I still called constantly. I was a mess. I was afraid that wouldn’t happen.

July 9, my surgery was early… I called one last time and the lady said “look you have been calling all night – I can’t tell you any further info until the office opens”

I started to cry… and my son said “mum… we are just going to go to the hospital like we don’t know anything – let’s hope they take you”

And that’s what we did… I was terrified.

Right up until the moment – I had no idea if I would get that or not… when they wheeled out the bed to take me back into the OR… I just collapsed on that bed.

I don’t remember the 3 days after surgery. Kids find that funny and remind me of things “they say” I said lol ✌️

But when I was finally coherent… I just went completely silent with everyone.

And done.

He did not waste any time and was right back coming at me.. the very minute I was out of surgery…

My surgery was July 9th… I had no time to recover… immediately got a job at the school and then found this peaceful home. The school and my landlord had no idea I just had a major surgery – they found out later – but I kept that a secret because I needed both things

I am still silent. Right now, I want that.

But that’s when I broke. I’ve been broken since then. It will be a year.

That compounded with everything else – it was too much.

Ugh so. Anyway … I don’t mind being broken – I like the silence and the peace.

I am tired. So ya know… I just like the peace.

My girlfriend hates me being out here in the country… she wants me to come back to life – she always has… she wants me to be like I used to be.

I was always bubbly and friendly… I still am… but I hide and keep to myself – I never did that before

Today I was telling her about the new people… she told me “looks like the universe is trying to push you to move back to civilization” 🤨

I hate when she says that… it is not the first time… I don’t know if I want to ever go back… I love it out here. I wanna be out here.

It is further, and costs with gas… and my car is always dusty cause there is dust out here lol .. but the peace … I need that… still.

When I think of going back to civilization… I dunno? I feel stressed? It will be a lot again…

Out here I can kinda hide away from everyone. I like that. I just have simple peace. I can breathe.

She never wanted me to take this place… she tried to talk me out of it numerous times… but I was already in shut down mode… I wanted peace – and I was not listening to anyone. I wanted to be away from everyone and everything.

So I jumped, and just did it. I did that myself.

Country boy was in my life at that moment, just as a friend… it’s never been more… he is from the country… he sometimes teases me calls me city girl – I stick out in the country in that way. Lol ✌️

But he was supportive of me going to the country.

All those times that he helped me through things … they were major things …

The very first time he helped me get over a fear of guns. Taught me how to shoot… I can shoot a hand gun, a rifle, and a shotgun ✌️ – and not that I am pro gun or not… I just had a fear… he helped teach me. What one man put there, another took off

And then… when my dad died… he took me way up in the mountains … just so I could be up there, and it was peaceful… it was June… but there was still a little snow here and there. We just had a picnic that he packed and he just let me cry. He was very thoughtful through that.

Every time my world crashed – he took my mind away. I would have been crushed through all that if he didn’t help me escape for those moments

So anyway… I do appreciate that.

He is still supportive of me finding my own peace. We don’t totally understand each other – but he totally understands me there.

Never once has he ever questioned anything I do… and never once has he ever judged me on anything. (My girlfriend kinda does – but she is different than me “drastically” – she is a good friend – but she doesn’t like me being out here and cut off)

I do need peace still. I don’t know if I ever want to go back… once you go country – how do you even go back??!!

Once you fall in love with something … how do you want to leave it?? I don’t

I know the “universe” pushes me with things 🤨 I do not like that!! Stop doing that!!

I don’t wanna go back to suburbs or city. I don’t wanna be there – I don’t think of peace there. And I severely want privacy – that will not be there… people would flood back in my life!!

They have been trying to for the past year. I lay low. I stay away… and I don’t talk to anyone… I try not to see anyone

I have my day to day life… I have people in my life. And work… and I deal with that

I just want it calm. I need the peace and the privacy. I find that here. I don’t wanna leave… even if I leave THIS particular place – I think I still want the country.

Once you taste it, is there anything better?

So whatever – but that’s what broke me – and where I found my peace. I am happy “as is” right now… I have a lot of pressure – but that’s fine. I can handle.

I’m not being hurt, I am not sick, no more family have died, whew! So yeah I can go a little more to get through this.

But I don’t want to think about going back. They all want me to come back- I don’t want to.

A year has gone by… that kinda blows my mind… a year ago where I was 😮 whoa 😮

When I put it in those terms it blows my mind… one year ago!!

One year ago my life was nothing but hospitals and doctors 😮 whoa 😮

Ok I just blew my own mind. Just one year ago… thank god I finished before corona Oh my god!

So yeah sometimes I luck out lol ✌️

But anyway… I see nothing wrong with wanting peace and privacy and to be away… but I know it’s not normal. 🤨

I really don’t care about normal. My soul needs peace so that’s what I care about. ✌️