I think I will play music today – maybe that will help? Softly – something cool but chill and everyone likes …
No heavenly stuff because I have that all the time lol … I’m gonna get to heaven and be like – hey can you turn that music down? lol – I had enough in life lol
9 hours of heavenly music everyday can be a bit much – beautiful but a lot lol … and during grief so makes me associate it with pain not heaven lol 😘✌️
Today was rollercoaster 🎢 … I am so exhausted all around
Every part of me is sooo tired
Omg – my body, my mind and my spirit – just tired – but it’s fine – just cause is crazy at moment.
But my whole body aches 😝 ahhh oldness
And tmrw will be even more!! Omg
As I’m leaving I said… ok well see you in few hours lol – cause is like that
I sleep and go back to them lol … and the pile grows 😮 oh dear lord lol … ok well it will be ok. Whew. I do have strong core team… we are very strong… it’s just a lot with stuff going on also all around. There is just many things
And then just constantly running around and a million things happening at once.
So… is that crazy explosion time 🤦♀️🤨 a lot of things flying at me.
So… I am teetering burn out? Just feels that way … but is fine. It’s not… just a lot of work… many things … We pull together strong
It will be fine
We see how goes lol … don’t worry I am fine.
I have pulled back from a couple people because it is way too much right now… I am sooo buried in things that I need more than 24 hours in a day!! And can time slow down??
But yeah… a few people didn’t believe me, and kinda did hurtful things … so I don’t really want to have them very close right now
Just being quiet and watching that situation. just little guarded.
Otherwise I am buried in work Omg 😱 and that’s also having explosions all over the place
And … other things happening really fast – like this house 😮😮 omg
Life can go fast … I can hang on – but I am getting way too old for this
Can we space things out ? Not have all at once Omg
So alright – I don’t leave death – I love my team too much… but we in middle of explosion of everything
Happens … just does. I’ve seen many. A lot of death but other things too… so ya know juggling everything!! 😮 holy moly – I gotta buckle up!
But I got it… am used to. Happens … just does.
So… daughter sick with Covid & has symptoms … the school has exploded with cases …
Today I get a call from the school because “kids” are going to protest having to wear masks in the classroom and threatening to go unmasked
Listen you little punks lol … totally kidding 😘✌️… but seriously – don’t be stupid.
It’s already off like a wildfire – do not do that… do not protest – they just trying to get the school shut down again – little punks lol … sorry totally kidding but kinda – c’mon… this is not a protest issue in the middle of pandemic
What won’t kill you because you have vaccine, could kill someone who does not have that. For whatever reason – could be medical – you don’t know someone’s life…
So … ran too late to go have dinner last night … so instead we met up in Old Sac today (Old Sacramento)
It was nice – I’ll show you photos 😊❤️ I love Old Sac ❤️
But first… lol … so he pulls up and I do recognize him – it has been 3 years …
He’s young… 36… so anyway… he looks same, little Covid extra pounds on him but generally same… is very much a cutie
This one is a sweet one, very sweet… kind, gentle – not an asshole lol
The only thing is… he is little maybe shy? Not totally confident? very very sweet, and totally not an asshole – we had a fun time walking around Old Sac
But I am confident one, I am firey? Maybe electric? Lol … I am energetic and just full of life … but I am definitely firey 🔥… meaning I have a sweet disposition but also I have a quiet forwardness and confidence. I tend to be a whirlwind – is hard to explain… I am quiet – but I just have a spirit
He is not as confident, energetic or full of life. He’s very sweet … very kind… gentle – just maybe follower? Not take charge type?
So my thing is… strength and protection and life?
I do not know if I got that from him – he kinda let me direct things lol … which is awesome… but I also do not always want to direct
I do not always want to be in charge – I like to feel protected too… I did not really get that. And there was not that electricity? So I don’t know.
Again he was kind and sweet, he let me control … yeah that’s the thing – I do not always want to be the one calling shots … also don’t be an asshole … but be strong in confidence – I want to feel protected and secure
I wasn’t sure he has that feature – he seemed very out to making sure whatever I wanted. But not like what do I want… more like just let me have all the control lol – I hate to say it like that because I do not want an asshole … he was definitely not that. I just don’t want all the pressure lol – nah
I don’t want to always be in control – I want someone who’s going to also take control and also just be my equal? Not always let me run the show.
I am extremely confident woman .. so you can NOT be scared of that. I am not scary at all… I am also gentle and kind – I’m just really confident …
You can NOT fear that! Just be normal – don’t worry … I laugh a lot and joke a lot … I have a gift with people in general making them feel at ease, and if I have to take charge, I do… but I don’t always want to do that
Very very sweet guy… just a little shy and timid and not very full of life? Very very sweet – good person – nice man… I can not express his sweet and kindness because he definitely has that!! ❤️
And I definitely don’t want asshole… but again I also want to feel protected and secure and not always have to run the show.
I would hang back to see if he would, but he really just let me decide everything and make all the decisions. Omg lol
I do want an equal… I do want a fire …,I didn’t really get that feeling? I’m gonna need you to light my fire
So yeah lol … I dunno – I do like strength of spirit and confidence. I know a man can have that and not be an asshole and he doesn’t have to be perfect or anything…
But I want to feel safe, and secure… protected? So I need strength and confidence to match mine. I want to feel like woman and ya know be swept 🧹 so … I dunno… you just have to light my fire 🔥
I don’t know how to tell you to do that. And you have to be careful… because if you make it too hot – I might be cautious so … fine line lol … you can go slow and still make it hot – you just have to know who you deal with, and not be an asshole lol 😘✌️
Come at me slow… but definitely show me confidence. I also like kindness and stuff … I don’t know – see this is really hard 🤨
And no offense … can they be a little older please? … totally like and appreciate 30’s but that’s kinda young for me… I really am not overly comfortable being really old one
Well anyway… on to the photos ❤️🙌❤️
We didn’t go here – but this is the California State Capitol in Sacramento ❤️
The Sacramento RiverAlso the Sacramento River
Trees were in my way… but this is the Tower Bridge … we did not walk to other side for better picture… but is a stunning and beautiful bridge!! You should see it at night!! 😮… they used to (before Covid) shut that bridge down and have a Farm to Fork party – all the fresh produce and things from the Valley ❤️ – this bridge also opens up to let giant boats through lol – is quite the site!!
The Ferris wheel is a new addition – this was not here before … but looks to be permanent? As well as the following pic which is a merry-go-round lol
Those 2 things are new… not sure when they added these?? I haven’t been to Old Sac in awhile – even though I work not too far away lol
The next photos I am going to add are of Old Sacramento building and streets ❤️ kinda take you back into old west little bit …
The Railroad Museum is amazing – but we did not go in… I have been there a million times – is better with kids – but the place is amazing – you will see Thomas too ❤️❤️❤️ the history is incredible… ❤️ All about it’s creation – all the diverse immigrants who helped build that and what they went through – how they lived – it’s amazing ❤️ you should see the locomotives 🚂 😮😮❤️❤️❤️
Very unassuming building for a Supreme Court – is no longer a Supreme Court … is the Old Sacramento Visitor’s Center now.
You used to be able to go down there but is boarded off now… is just a tiny little section of what used to be Sacramento … Sacramento used to be 10 feet lower… but they raised the city due to winter flooding
I did not take photo of the courtyard sorry – they also do underground tours of the original Sacramento ❤️
There is even a bar called O’Mally’s … but they spell it different … It SHOULD be: O’Malley’s … they forgot the e before the y!!! But I guess is someone else’s version
I do know – there are several spellings and versions to this last name… 🤨 just looks really wrong to me lol
Cool little bar I suppose … it’s just all green with the Ireland flag and USA flag… has leprechauns and fighting Irish little knickknacks 🤨🙄 green lights … lol just a lot of green lol 💚💚💚
Anyway… that is Old Sac… is beautiful – taffy shops – food… drink … omg the most amazing toy stores!! Omg … you can not let me go in there!!! Just don’t… and omg do not show me magnets – toys, magnets or beautiful things just don’t – you will lose me in these shops 😮 don’t – I have to look at everything
This is only just a very small slice of Sacramento omg I haven’t even shown you all of it… that is just Old Sac ❤️ so tiny – there is still Sutters Fort, many many things – just in Sacramento … I also have Gold Rush areas near me which are also quite fascinating!
Is a beautiful State Capitol! ❤️ you should visit California when stupid Covid is over!!
All the photos are mine ✌️
This is NOT my video – but this is someone else’s amazing video of Old Sac ❤️👏👏👏… they did amazing job with that!! I do not know them but great video!! This is Old Sac 👇❤️
I have no idea what I did… I needed more media and I do not want to delete so – I did something and have no idea what it did… can you still see my stuff? I just wanted more media – not fancy stuff
Things are different looking in areas 🤨
I am not sure if is still same or not?? Now is all weird – hopefully I have post coming soon with media 🤨 we shall see 🤨
Fricken platforms 🤨 whatever
I hope you still see me 😳 all I wanted was extra media – I don’t want to delete things… I want them all
I also do not want some crazy changes 🤨 but whatever I just want the media
Hopefully I be back with a stupid post that has media 🤨 whatever 😬
I don’t usually dream… that I actually remember… but earlier this week my daughter said I was talking in my sleep 😮 – I do know that I do that… because is not first time I have been told that 😮😮 I know I talk in my sleep 😮😮
So that was weird because I do not remember having any dreams? But whatever
But then last night I had this awful nightmare!!! I’m just gonna tell you the whole thing 😳
I dreamed that I went to someone’s wedding at their house… it was beautiful… I sat next to this man and he touched me just normal – took my arm… and you know that electricity I speak of sometimes – that happened … so I pull away – but then he knew that 😮
And he joked “would be incredible sex huh?” Omg this is a dream this is happening in … but even in the dream … I just pull away because I did not know him – so nope.
And then, they had a pool at this house… so I changed into a swimsuit and went in pool. Was just normal… didn’t seem out of ordinary.
Didn’t stay in long… then got dressed again. I was gathering my things to leave… and couldn’t find my phone 📱 😮😮😮
So as I looked around they were closing up the pool and then pressed this button and the water drained and the floor came over and what once was a pool area a moment ago – was then this outdoor living room 😮😮
Was weird – I continued looking for my phone – and started feeling that panic as if you REALLY lost your phone 😮😮😮
Because Omg my world is literally on my phone 😮😮😮 holy moly! I do not know anyones number because I just hold a button and say “call blah blah blah” and it calls them … and work is always texting or calling…
All my music, photos and things are on my phone, I DO live by the phone 📱😮😮😮
So I felt panic setting in… I kept finding phones but not MY phone 📱
Then I found my phone… but the screen was all cracked ☹️ completely cracked … it still turned on though… I was pretty ok through all that…
But when I turned it on – it had opened Facebook 😮😮😮😮 and I tried to close it and stop that, but wouldn’t let me – I couldn’t do anything else just made me stay in Facebook … I tried everything to close it, and because screen was cracked it just made my fingers bleed if I tried
And then THAT was the terror that woke me up 😮 my heart was beating soooo fast and this horrible terror feeling when I woke up 😮😮
That was really weird – I do not like waking with that awful feeling … and then takes my heart a little while to chill out 🤨
Was just a dream – whew!! 😥
And not that this would be connected or anything… but yesterday some of my coworkers were talking to me about dating because it keeps being a “thing” … I keep having to say no … and one said you should try online… 😮
My immediate reaction was to make a face, because I just don’t like that. I feel totally blind like that 😮
And one said… well the ones who have the confidence to approach you are probably narcissists, the ones online have been hurt and are on their couch and just looking for that companion 😮
I never viewed it that way before ?? Huh – interesting perspective? That was a man who said that to me 😮😮😮 he said he met his wife online… some dating site where women make the first move lol … hmm it’s just weird to me – not like the old days – but I suppose this is not the way used to be… I am still in 1985 lol 😘✌️
It’s not that I’m looking to date… because ya know- that’s gonna be ??? I don’t even know – I don’t mind 1985 ❤️
When I seriously think about that – it freaks me out a little … but I have probably made it into this huge thing all by myself
But emotions and stuff are tied to that, and I’ve built up alot… and I was 17 before – I am not 17 anymore 😮
Well anyway – I am going to dinner tonight 😮😮 remember that man who didn’t notice or care about the mastectomy? I’m finally going to dinner with him – I’m not really sure this is ok 😳
But ok – I will try. We see – he gets one chance because of the way he made me feel back then when I was sooo devastated, so we see. That is the only reason I am giving a chance. Otherwise I would have said no, just because.
It’s just dinner – so should be fine. 😳 I’m sure it will be fine – not a big deal. Just dinner
I am just weird cause ya know… is weird
It’s because I think too much… which I feel I have to – because never again do I want to give ANY Satan, ANY time – and then it’s too emotionally driven to me … to let go easy
And I’m just different anyway. I am not very comfortable with how things are today.
And then- he hasn’t seen me at all since I had cancer and that one day all those years ago (which seems like yesterday) so I dunno
I’m just protective if gonna come close 😮 that makes me nervous – I want to see who are
So dinner I suppose is fine. That is what normal people do lol
Ready to ride? 😮😳 I don’t know – I really don’t know.
We had the inspection and there is few things with house owner has to fix – which they doing … but I have to wait.
Loan already approved and done, but need the ok from city and another inspection to make sure everything is legal and ready for sale. I’m fine with that.
I am never in a rush… whatever … I have waited this long… I am patient ✌️
My daughter, however, can not wait – she’s already dreaming of how she want to paint her room lol 😄😄 … patience my lady, patience – it is a virtue 🙌 … some lessons for my little woman lol ✌️
Everyday she ask me when lol … like that car ride to vacation or to visit someone you love and the kids say “how much longer?” Lol
We are just waiting on that ❤️
Also… today she ask my permission to attend a concert 😮😮
I have NEVER been to a concert except for theirs at school – for band or chorus. I have been to symphony does that count?? I don’t really think so
My mom put the fear of that in me for being trampled due to some concert in the 70’s ?? The Who 🙄
So I initially say hell no… because you could be trampled or bad things happen.
But she’s like a little lawyer with presenting her case lol 😄🙄 …
Ok so I hear her out… she give me every single detail… and is calm chill music – no raving so she say no trample lol ….
Is in San Francisco 😮😮 … 2 hrs away
She is 15. 😮 crap … why can’t they just stay little? Lol
She will have a chaperone going with them – a parent of one of her friends … will be her and 4 other of her friends
They are seeing a pretty chill artist… I look them up and read ALL about them
She will spend night with friends after concert.
Is $40… I pay half… Satan pays other half
So she’s now at that age, that I have to kinda let her fly- while I can still guide her? But I also have to let her grow up and experience her own life, under my watch
Ugh here it comes – the teen years – god help me!! 🙏
I am happy and proud to see the woman she’s becoming… but is bittersweet to let go little bit. Let her experience a little life – ugh of her own.
It’s important so… ok 🤨 bleh – I still do not like but ok… trial run – we see
She’s a good girl with good grades / so ok.
Letting go is hard 🤨 can’t you just always be my baby?!
She’s sweet with a fire 🔥… do not know where that comes from 🤷♀️😄😉😘✌️
At least is a concert and not a man yet – oh thank god – this growing up thing with a girl is gonna kill me… with boys was ok… but she’s my last one and only girl. Also… know how men are so 😮 oh god!! Thank god I have not come up against THAT yet!!! Which I have a story about but for another time – wait til that hits. 😳
Ok one thing at a time – it’s just a concert and will be totally fine.
We also have Covid in the world now… so that was also a point from me – she promises to mask the entire time… and she’s had her vaccinations
I can’t hold her back from her life -I want her to have life – but it’s just hard because is my baby.
I would love to say “I’m not ready” because that’s my thing… lol 😘✌️ … but is her life… and is better if I am still with her to guide her so… I want her to experience a life – but I am torn because I want to also protect her, hold her close and never let her go – but she is a good kid.
I’ve been working on purging things and getting ready for the move.
I’m a little shocked how much stuff accumulated over past 2 & 1/2 years 😮
I have all that survival gear for living in country lol … I prepared for everything lol
Fires, floods, loss of electricity lol … snake bites – thankfully once I got all that stuff nothing happened 🤨😄😄 which is good, but I was prepared
I have a lot of cooking equiptment… I love to cook so I do love those things ❤️ I like to do fancy or big meals on Fridays
I just didn’t realize how much there was 😮
And then clothing – that is an issue … I am going to have to donate a lot. There is too much clothes
I have work clothes – which I do need for work…
I have winter clothes – which I hate lol ✌️ not a winter person and will probably donate a lot of that!! Bleh – winter 🥶 😝
And then thousands of summer clothes 😮 because I love summer 😮… is my season lol – I like the heat and breezy clothes ❤️ I will probably donate some of those too
I also have obsession with swimsuits 👙 … every single year I have to get a new one … is my thing
Some women like shoes or purses – I like swimsuits lol ❤️👙❤️ … I will probably donate some of those …because there is a lot of those lol – more than one person should have 😮
Also… my holiday items have grown… some Valentine’s ❤️… a lot of Irish things for St. Patrick’s day ☘️ … little bit of Easter 🐣… huge amount for July 🇺🇸 lol, that’s my season sooo much, I do own that month ❤️🇺🇸❤️… Halloween 🎃, Thanksgiving, and of course a lot of Christmas 🎄 stuff … wow that stuff multiplies 😮 and I don’t really buy things 😮 – I guess maybe some 😮
There is just a lot of stuff I didn’t realize I accumulated 😮
I have really loved living in the country – it has been great healing for my soul ❤️🩹 … it has kept me safe and secure and just been wonderful and amazing – I love it very much ❤️ it has given me great peace ❤️
My new house is not in the country… is in my small California town – but it’s private and also beautiful – so I hope to have great peace there too ❤️🙏
I will miss being so far out in country a little because the beauty takes my breath away ❤️
My soul healed being there – so little sad to leave
Is moments of bittersweet – I am excited – but I still have a great love of the country – I have a beautiful, breathtaking country 🇺🇸 – it is magnificent and soul healing ❤️
I have felt loved and protected here ❤️
I am about to have new journey 😮 so that is pretty deep
It was the country and the people (aka angels) who came into my life with peace ❤️
Off to bed because is work holiday so I make double time tmrw because I still work 😮 – instead of Friday – they give us holiday pay on Monday and we CAN NOT take Monday off!! Whole weekend of death just happened – we have to work!!! Don’t know what corporation thinking but whatever 🙄 bonus for us
Actually we had celebrated at 9pm – which is East Coast New Year Time – we do that always, but I also wasn’t sure I could make it til midnight… I had been up since 4am on 12/31 for work.
I did not make it til midnight. I woke up about 1:30am and everyone sleeping 🛌 lol – well Happy New Year 🎊🥳
I also had a ton of text messages from everyone that I miss and will have to say tmrw.
I know so many people and quite a few people have my number – including families.
One of messages … was from a man I met when I had cancer 😮😮😮😮
I had literally JUST had my mastectomy done maybe a month before 💔 … I was at a follow up doctors appt. – I had several all the time… it was always doctors and hospitals ☹️
My whole chest was gone, and severely purple, I had 4 drainage tubes that hung around my neck 😝, and was still bandaged. I have a photo – which I just went to look at …maybe I could share, if I could edit photo so wouldn’t be so bad? But nope 👎 it’s really bad – let’s just not. It immediately brings be back to that moment and makes me cringe because I remember ALL of it
This one particular day… I was wearing navy blue pants, and a blue button down shirt for easy access, because I couldn’t lift my arms or anything. I was feeling really sad in those moments.
My chest looked just con-caved ☹️💔 I would hide the tubes and things, but you could tell my chest was gone – I was very devastated
I was quiet and of course with doctor I would cry.
They had not started the reconstruction yet. This was follow up visit to make sure was ok. We were preparing for the reconstruction
So… I went to my appt. and went to my car …only to realize I locked my keys in my car 😔
I have AAA… which is American Automobile Association – is a service that you pay for but they help you with car related things ❤️ I have always been member. So I called them to send someone to help me.
It was little chilly waiting, because was beginning of December.
They sent this hot guy to help me 🤨 – I just didn’t want to really be around people. And of course he was this hot guy… I stayed quiet when he pull up.
So then he was helping me, and talking to me… he thought I was a nurse because I was all in blue 😮😮 lol… he asked me if I was just getting off my shift… that actually made me laugh when he said that.
I told him no, I’m a cancer patient, just had a mastectomy.
He kept making me laugh though, and he was flirty
In those moments, I was not flirty like normal… I just wanted to be invisible.
So while he trying to get my door open to retrieve the keys 🔑… we talking and he making me laugh.
He got my door open and gave me my keys… then out of the blue and I wasn’t expecting at all… but he ask me if when I feel ok to do so, would I like to have dinner with him 😮😮
I had no chest and this man didn’t care 😮 didn’t even phase him… he didn’t care I was cancer patient or looked the way I did that day (tear stained cheeks, because I always cried when with the doctor)
Well I thought he was just trying to make me feel better? But I said ok and he already had my number because he worked for AAA …
I didn’t think I would hear from him, but he was serious 😮😮
Well I was literally going through reconstruction after I met him… so I never went to dinner with him – but we texted for awhile and then I said I would let him know about dinner when everything was over – because was too much at that time – and it would have been crazy to start anything new with anyone… so I just needed to heal. Those were rough moments to me.
PLUS I was still being harassed and things from Satan… I just needed time. (Hmm maybe that is a thing for me?)
The reconstruction took months – more surgeries and things so contact even in text was hard. And I was emotional.
I also thought ok well he’s probably not serious anyway – just making me feel better or beautiful or whatever … and also he was hot so c’mon … why would want a cancer person like that?
I had no idea what his motive was.
Then we just lost contact and I tried to forget everything about those moments.
And then of course, I finished the divorce and have been rebuilding life.
He text me Happy New Year 🎊
😮😮 I was sleeping because exhausted and missed the actual New Year … and I am not texting him now at this hour
I will text him tmrw.
And what is life doing? Why all this man stuff NOW – literally recently… life is throwing every single hot guy at me!! Stop ✋
What the hell is going on?!! I stay quiet so that DOESN’T happen. The more I run from things, the more it chases me!! 🤨 …why is life pushing this on me? That is what it feels like… like life is trying to force on me 😮😮
Like life has had enough of my bullshit lol, and fed up so throws it ALL at me!! 🤨 I need time
I know that time waits for no one – I get that… and I also know that there is never going to be a perfect time for anything…
My life so crazy at moment … I have the new house and possibly new job 😮 which I interview with this coming week…
I haven’t really truly thought about having a man in my life anytime soon and I am always watching for motive 😮
Just weird that in one month, life has thrown Adonis… then country boy and now this guy. So what is that?? Literally one month and all that comes at me
I’ll text him back later today and say Happy New Year. But life seems to be throwing down with this stuff 😮 so not too sure what gonna happen
Life is trying to teach me some sort of lesson 🤨 I kinda know the lesson, but I am trying to avoid it.
There was a lot of trauma in my marriage and also divorce… I know life wants me to move on.
I don’t know if I can. It strikes a fear 😮 💔
But we see I guess because life does NOT seem to be letting up with it. 😔
Anyway, was nice to hear from that AAA man… made all those memories flood back in 😮
In the last post – I made a comment … those who don’t remember their past are condemned to repeat it… I remember but I like to NOT remember – I prefer to go forward and not remember so much pain from things.
But then also because of that I am ultra careful and protective.
I was 17 years old when met my ex… and I’ve never really dated or anything… and in todays world – it’s all overwhelming and over my head. Which is why I always say I need time.
But life evidentially does not want to give me time or thinks I have had enough? Lol
Learning Life 