Ok so… I have pressure. But that’s ok – I think I can handle. Maybe.

https://youtu.be/ZyT8mVwf_40

We having some mandatory stress management class on Monday 🤨

Ok… we see… cause what they gonna tell me? Self care – remember self and own life yeah yeah yeah… that’s why I work lol

So what exactly you think you can tell me? See it better be good because we work on front line of death so… what you got to tell me? You better know the experience before you tell me how to manage stress lol

So we see – I do not have a lot of faith that it’s not gonna just be corporate talk

So ok – you tell me how then

I already know “balance” and self care – so what you got?

This should be interesting – I’m curious lol – better be good – I missing 2 hours of work! I have install and end of month – I have soooo much work!!

I do not really have time for stress management lol … so better be good! Do not make me roll my eyes!!

None of the words fit or pertain at all to me – other than maybe having people dance at my funeral because there is totally a playlist ✌️😘 … but since I am funerals and I kinda like this song little bit lol … so whatever … here is new song :

https://youtu.be/L-xcuYqDT4c

(Lol the Osborne’s)

… I find it very hard to leave death in any aspect. Why is it so hard for me to leave death?? Why am I not running as fast as I can? lol ?? I don’t know what the hold is … is never good time and then I also don’t wanna lose what have.

I feel comfortable and safe with death 😮

But I am not sure what right decision is for “me”

There is massive change coming! Which ok but I can’t keep changing and changing and changing etc etc …omg!! Stop ✋ …. Peace with gradual change not insane crazy full throttle – cmon omg – all the time!!

I am tired so – I don’t know if is ok for me? It’s a lot. I’m nervous

And the transfer probably not gonna happen, my boss doesn’t wanna lose me and we gonna see what options avail to stay.

Whew ok

I’m not sure what I think about anything at this moment.

I have many things on my mind… so that my mind is just jumping from subject to subject. I am little overwhelmed but it’s ok. I got it

So yeah – tell me … stress management – what gonna say?

I stress about missing 2 hours of work – so what gonna say?

I can not wait to see what they say!! We see – I am skeptical of their effort

They give us info and schedule to next weeks training “this week” … ok sooo you can’t do that to funeral people – we are booked with services and contractors … we are 2 to 3 weeks out – so we have to juggle as is and now throw in training AND my end of month work. – cmon lol

Ok so how I manage stress ??? What they gonna say

So we see – I am critic lol ✌️ show me what you got.

Lol… so I dunno … we gonna see about many things

And then this morning in car with my daughter, on way to school … we were talking about something and she says “you get special treatment mom because you are beautiful” 😮😮😮

She was telling me about things at school and teachers and things – was same when I was in school

And no… I told her “I am beautiful because I take care of self (mostly-ish), I like lotions or perfumes because that gives you a scent to remember 😉… I just love scents … and I also wear make up, of course beautiful – I doll myself up” lol

To which she protested and said “ no you are beautiful even without make up” 😮😱 (just kidding with the faces) I dunno?? I am more self conscience and MASSIVELY quiet/shy/avoiding without make up. At home, I walk around make up less lol 😄 sometimes – when I am being lazy – I have no make up on lol … usually lol

I just like it for me to feel good with my own self

And everyone has different view of beauty

I like make up because is sorta like art? You just accent the areas you want. I have beautiful eyes so I accent those… and when I was growing up a girlfriends mother always looked so beautiful all the time…

She would tell us – if you never wear anything at all, at least wear lipstick 💄 💋… so I do lol … I remember that, but I also love lipstick so works out for me lol 😘

You paint what you want… see pretty cool when look at like that

I don’t mind no make up … I am just painfully shy that way and I feel is very personal so yeah 😘

I don’t wear a lot and some say they can’t tell a difference 🤨 but whatever – to me there is and I like it lol

My veil 💋✌️

If comfortable with someone I won’t care but otherwise yes I do lol – but for my own self – not anyone else – I just like it that way.

So whatever – I’m weird like that lol

https://youtu.be/SxGLPVvNjvY

Totally one of favorite songs ❤️ but I also love pretty much all her songs lol

I am always “me” … is just with my inner core I am highly guarded!! Massively so. Whatever I just prefer that.

So whatever – yes I am aware overly guarded lol

Country Boy maybe wanna stop by and see new house … but why? Cause don’t want emotions so why care?

That is hard to like and appreciate someone – but not want them in your life – maybe is the way he says it because he is very man … and I am very woman lol

I am not sure we speak same language lol (I’m kidding… but I don’t think we understand each other) ✌️

He is soooo much outdoor country man…

I am girly girl and don’t like bugs and stuff lol … no upper Chest strength for any heavy lifting of anything

Plus he has his issues – I have mine.

He just has woman issues 🙄 … I understand – he was hurt by 2 others – got it. But I’m not them so I am empathetic with his pain, but I am also not willing to be faulted as if was them / so whatever not my problem. I keep distance. I give him time and don’t turn away because of he he helped me through death and cancer so… I am forever thankful for his kindness and thoughtfulness

And me… I am highly guarded … I do not understand why he want to be my friend when he knows going to be no… and why care?

It’s very hard to have that because if there is no care then what is point? So I want to turn away… because if anything gonna be in my life – I want to actually want to be in my life so… otherwise fuck that shit!

I think he just wants me to think of him? Ok well put up or shut up lol … sorry but yeah

Because ya know I like peace so – whatever – I just do t want things in my life that will cause any kind of pain so I don’t want what he wants, or vice versa, so even for friends I’m gonna need emotions so if can’t do that then I can’t either. So whatever

I sometimes wonder if …nevermind – still in thought process

Then lol … some guy trying to sell me something today – I say no because no… I do not know enough and have to research so no salesman

As he talking to me – he’s totally flirting … he ask me if is a husband to speak to – I say no, boyfriend? No… anyone else who make decisions for home? No is me… lol – I am all you get lol

So he turned on flirt mode – very nice just flirty

And my oldest son calls me… you can hear a voice with my phone and my sons voice is deep lol

My son is like – ok we on way over …

I say ok … he says he gonna buy me some coffee frap – … I say ok I see you shortly

And we say bye and love you

As soon as I said that lol … he was done lol

Careful with what you think you know lol 😄😄 I should tell my sons … you need to call your mother more lol 😄😄

My favorite excuse is this:

https://youtu.be/QKlv4pZe-zo

I have a teeny tiny urn on my desk that makes me smile because I think of SNL lol

But son calling and saying “I love you” works just as well lol

Ahhh so funny whatever

I have a parental confession lol … when my children were little – they loved to talk on the phone and say hi to people lol … so when telemarketers would call and ask for the man or woman of the house – I would just hand to them … here sweetie – phone is for you lol

The telemarketer would always hang up – that was years ago before the recorded car warranty stupid thing!!! I hate you car warranty calls!! Fricken all the time – I don’t even have a car warranty! So get outta town with that crap!

Once when I was a child… we got an envelope from publishers clearinghouse lol … I was maybe 9 or 10? And it said “you may have just won” whatever money so my mom ❤️ she was always so fun ❤️

We got all excited and jumping up and down and then my dad comes home and bursted our bubble thinking maybe we win lol – but it was fun lol – she was always fun and kind. We always laughing and things – so anyway

I am on call tonight – yes on Friday I am on call … so listen – NO DYING!!! You stay alive!!! NO DYING on Friday!! 🙏🙏🙏 just don’t – try to hold off 😘✌️

Boys are here ❤️✌️

https://youtu.be/H7HmzwI67ec

Bye 👋

Ok so Tuesday right ? Ok yes – I just double checked lol

https://youtu.be/iS_WTDYU8Qw

Ok so – I don’t know how to tell my staff I am leaving… I half wanna smile really huge, and half want to cry leaving them – they been my life and helped me step up and we been through soooo much

New chapter – things change

But I don’t know how to tell them ☹️ I know they will understand, but it’s still gonna be hard to tell them. I am sad to leave them. I love them.

They still be close and I’ll still work with on occasion but not really – maybe a phone call? Or info things?

So I sorta lose them… they won’t be my group anymore.

I will have new group and location.

I am nervous in all aspects. Shhh just let me 😘

https://youtu.be/W_yRODJ6kfc

It’s also end of month coming up – I’ve got a thousand things to do… and have little burn out … shhh 🤫 again, just let me 😘✌️

https://youtu.be/pXRviuL6vMY

I’m not really overly stressed? But maybe little? I can feel something tense

Personally I have many things I need to take of… I just got my vehicle smogged and paid for registration. I have to renew my drivers license before my birthday which is 7/7 …

Ugh I do not want to go to DMV – ughhhh I dread that!! ugh – so that will suck!! And I have to get real ID? I don’t even know? Whatever

I just don’t wanna go to DMV! (Department of Motor Vehicles)

https://youtu.be/ONFj7AYgbko

So yeah I have many personal things piling up too – and I still haven’t changed my name!

That means I have to deal with social security and that’s a thousand times worse than the DMV

I don’t wanna do any of it lol

But ok fine – be an adult

Can’t I just do these things online ? You people do everything online – why can’t I do that???

I already checked – I have to go into BOTH

😝😝😝 torture!!

This is week so far I am being productive. Not that I want to be …but I feel like life forces my events sometimes lol??

I probably would say I am just cautiously slow so life gets fed up and pushes me along lol

So for example – by me doing one simple thing … then like avalanche – other things chain react happen and then suddenly I doing all this stuff – sorta … with life pushing me lol

I just have a lot happening

I also still have to do taxes – but that’s good. I will get money back. Always. I make them take out the most money so I never owe, and then in spring I get money back 🙌❤️

I never have to panic or have them scare me lol … just with their stupid deadline lol – that’s a little pressure lol

But I already check and am getting money back 😊 yay!

That will help. Plus Friday is payday 😊 woo hoo!

So … many things weigh

It’s fine except the DMV & social security – I don’t want to do those – I have to do one I might as well do the other.

I didn’t think I had much to say tonight- but there is all that.

Anyway… everywhere I go this song is on constantly…

https://youtu.be/T8GpG8C0YzA

I think life is telling me I need big big energy lol

Life is pushy 🙄🤨 lol

https://youtu.be/DIfjheWQdVc

Ok so… my entire life just got on the rollercoaster 🎢 …

So… I have someone in my life who I completely adore and respect and think is brilliant…

To me… he is funny … he is type A personality… total perfectionist … which is fine … I am too sometimes… not type A… but I can be perfectionist with some things.

I love chatting with him – I do find him delightful and he’s kind and generous. Very knowledgeable

But what if everyone else tell you different?

What if you know him for few years and he’s always been amazing? To YOU?

I have never seen what the people say ??

So you gonna have to help me think… because my mind is warped in this area … I have been subjected to abuse so… I am very empathetic so I understand the reasons people do things … anyway…

Why would only be nice, kind and amazing to me? And is he? When with me, yes – but what about behind back?

No there is no way he’s interested – for sure

I have always trusted, he’s quite brilliant.

So I do not see the things they say…. But I have red flags 🚩

I don’t trust people – and I don’t put anything past anyone!! I am not sure if is blinding me to antics? I don’t know?

You know how people will say something and something they say triggers a memory of them from another time? And you know how sometimes that can be puzzle pieces and you can start to see a picture?

We are all VERY familiar with the saying “hindsight 2020” so I don’t know?? I am trying to see clearly but I don’t know?

Hmm… that makes me very nervous. Is very very kind and good to me… I have a gut feeling but the empathy gets in my way!! Like I am not sure if playing me? Because was little odd – I had feeling something off? Calling me and texting me, which is not abnormal but I distanced for long time – I just keep quiet … I just do “me” and my thing

But some people when want something or are manipulating do that? So I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Was really sweet and kind to me literally recently

So I almost feel like – it turns my attention away from any fires ? Cause I do enjoy his convos he’s very brilliant … I respect him and think the world of him … but …

I don’t know? So many fires with others but not me and covers all of it very well… that’s the feeling I am getting 😮

It’s not just one person saying to me. And it’s not little things. People will show you what they want you to see – heed my warnings!!

But then – I think… no, he is upstanding citizen – I am his friend – or so I think?? I am not sure

Who is this?

And this is why is good to be quiet/distant and see who people are. 🤫 always watch your guard!!!

https://youtu.be/0Ypq42OWNH8

See you take the time – you really know someone. Patience is a virtue 😘✌️

Also… If I want the job close to home – it’s mine… I have to talk to boss – and also – I don’t care what you think but I am loyal … I can not with good conscience leave my boss in lurch so … I will mention and explain and we see.

I will not be able to sleep just letting them explode – I can’t

I am transparent so I was already honest with this.

Now I just have to talk to boss 😳☹️ I hate to leave because I love my boss! Very much – incredible boss! Honored to work under so … that kinda gets me.

I like the other boss too – but I am loyal to MY boss

Also loyal to self – but I can’t just leave and watch the explosion – oh I can not do that. That is not the right thing to do. Trust me it’s not. I respect my boss way too much. Always has my back and is supportive.

However … the way the other one is run is different ?? Maybe not as insane?

We see? 😮 I am nervous

I just be honest. Bleh makes me feel sick- I wish I could take my people with me

I also would have to tell my staff ☹️💔

They will understand but that’s gonna be rough

So – my hearts gonna get torn – they my second family… I am with them on the daily lol

And will be more change 😮 omg

I was talking about that to someone today … how I used to live in 1985 just little while ago – all nice and tucked away in peace ❤️ … and then I move to new house and come into 2022 … I miss my version of 1985! Lol

It feels weird to be in 2022 🤨 cause it wants to keep changing everything!!!

I haven’t told many people I have house… I stay very quiet … I speak to girlfriend tonight and she doesn’t know – I don’t want to say.

This is the one that tells others about me, which I don’t like, so I don’t really say anything – she just tells me all her stories lol

Her life is crazy… really really crazy – it sounds unhappy, but then she say she is happy. So ok.

No WAY I could have that for my life – no way in hell or gods green earth!! Nope!!

If I told you – your jaw would be on floor lol – just no … it’s way too crazy. You would be like ? Wtf? Americans 🙄 lol … no no just her lol

I’m kidding – but maybe slightly because I could not live her life at all. Too much!! Nope

But yeah – I don’t like her telling people what’s up with me… I am very very private so. I don’t want any problems … so I just be quiet – it’s better that way.

No one knows nothin! Nada… zilch 😘✌️only closest people I trust are who know things

See … this is why country is better for soul… because it was just peaceful without so much people drama. I am not good with people drama

I do not like that.

I like peace alot ✌️😘

I like to be quiet.

Anyway.

So… rollercoaster lol 🎢 … why life?? Why you gotta keep teaching me lessons??? Ugh let me be

Enough – I know everything lol – I’m kidding – I know nothing

But I am sooooo tired of people lessons!!! Can we not do that? I’m good on those lessons – stay away – got it!! 👍

~sigh~

It is hard to be around people – I feel their emotions and then at same time I trying to see who are.

People are ALOT!!

My mind has a million thoughts 😮😮

So I dunno

Oh yeah and Monday with the red hair thing… I dunno 🤷‍♀️… ya know… whatever

Guys are just rude… was 2 people I have to deal with from city and one ask me if I am “true” red head 🤨

Ok first of all – rude – that is inappropriate – why you asking? What is your purpose for asking me that? That sounds suspiciously dirty 🤨 should not be asking me that! And no I did not answer, I am joker and then I change subject lol ✌️ 💋 you can not defeat me lol – I am master of avoidance 🙌 lol

Nope

I am not answering that – why you ask me that?! What is purpose??

So I don’t like that either – rude

It’s just been a week!! I wanted it to go fast but now I want it to slow down

Ok so … I need the rollercoaster to hurry up with the drop omg bracing 😮

https://youtu.be/5w743nIi3JQ

I am a day ahead of myself all week long … yes that is how the week has been… such a bad week that I want to rush it to be done.

Personally in my own life – everything is fine … there is peace lol

But everywhere else is just exploding off!! ☹️

So I am tense

Breathe!!

https://youtu.be/kN0iD0pI3o0

😶

I keep hearing my grandmother say don’t wish your life away lol

This week IS NOT this :

https://youtu.be/7zok9co_8E4

I always forget and never think of my hair!!

Unless it’s pointed out

Today everyone is asking me if I am natural red head lol 🤨🙄

I will tell you stories later

Ok so ya know… I don’t really freak out too much … and I’m sure it’s all just normal and maybe I freak my own self out …

This house was owned by some woman who died —

Um ok… I am sure it is all in my head

This house creaks – I’m not saying nothing – but it does creak oddly, almost hauntedly

I am hearing weird things tonight… I’m sure I am alone and it is my imagination

I have heard creaks before… it does freak me out little bit.

I work at funeral home – I am not bothered with stuff but alone at home yes lol

Well anyway 😳😳😳😳

I’m just sayin lol

https://youtu.be/fI2gqUtllFg

Please no spiritual socializing lol – no hauntings allowed 🚫

I do sorta feel fear but it’s ok… I just hear noises and have imagination so don’t really like that lol

Ok it be fine – I need sleep

Good night – please don’t kill me in my sleep 🙏

Ok now I totally dread my commute – knowing I could be so close 😮

Ok gnite 😘❤️

Omg so many things today – I am not a overly great juggler

I used to drive my parents nuts at mealtime because NONE of my food could touch… and I would eat each thing individually at a time lol … just turning my plate lol

I don’t do that now – I kinda grew up lol … I can mix it up now lol

I just have so many things to do and not enough “me’s” to do it lol

Ok so vegan… no idea because he’s so polite … so I got tons of fruits and veggies – we be eating like rabbits lol … but healthy … just little lacking for me lol but whatever – I want to know something or practice something before I give to someone lol

So ok this works – and I got a bottle of wine 🍷

So that works fine 😊

I am just stupidly smiling and rushing all around – I just got home and gonna straighten up and get all the food and stuff ready

Luckily at this moment – I am a minimalist lol

So it’s pretty easy ❤️

Ok I have to go… busy busy busy whew

Yay!!! I be back possibly later? 🙏🙏🙏

https://youtu.be/iiysUYyAHyM

Well… tomorrow (today- Saturday) will be rainy… but I have alot going on 😮😮😮 … omg it’s like ALWAYS!!

I am a funeral person!!! Why is it like this??

The more I try to avoid things … the more it is like a magnet to me!!!

I just have a lot to do… ugh

Also… someone tells me about a job … it is with my company so would be a transfer … and then IF I did that … I would work 5 to 6 blocks from my house!! 😮😮😮

Could totally go home for lunch – or walk to work and not need gas all the time – omg the money I save with that alone

And I spend an hour driving to and from work so that’s 2 hours of my life everyday

But this one is right here.

I already know and work with everyone. Is not one of mine… I would change bosses 😮

But also – I could just use my lunch to get my daughter and go right back to work 🙌

Omg … how I not want that?? I be same thing but for them.

Ok

So… change … oh boy! Ok well whatever – I’m getting pretty used to all this change!!

I wish we could take in some Ukrainians – I have extra bedroom and plenty of space.

During a war situation when people are being hurt – visas should be given for those people. Get them safe and ok

It’s so nice to see areas of Europe helping ❤️ see… “earth angels” … they DO exist!!

Well so anyway… looks like I might be changing locations!! Omg no more highway or crap things lol … no more rainy day traffic snarls

https://youtu.be/5jlI4uzZGjU

I could literally walk to work 😮😮😮

All money I save on gas and also wear and tear on the car … omg

I try to stop myself from completely losing myself in the huge bonuses that would be… I am already respected in this group too so would be easy slide over

I will have new boss

I haven’t said anything – they just mention to me today. I am thinking, or trying to – but there too many bonuses. I want to discuss with my boss first.

I would have to rebuild a core? But I can’t do that – maybe – if people read, follow directions and work lol ✌️ “team work makes the dream work” lol 😘

So… hmm …

It’s curious that death is my thing 😮 … but death got me through Covid! It allowed me to continue to work … and when we all shut down and all the kids homeschooled – it allowed me to stand up!!! Without it I was struggling because of daughters schedule

I found my people because they are quirky and hilarious and thoughtful and sweet – also we like family … they my second family… I am around them more than anyone!!

They have been supportive and a lot of memories with them ❤️

And then you also know sometime I will question if I still want … because I get fed up with always drama and every single year we go through crazy insanity- it is the corporation but whatever

Death somehow just always gets me to stay 😮😮 I do love the job… and just being so close to home omg!!! 🙏

And it’s almost like?? I dunno 🤷‍♀️ … with the cancer, death let me live … and then now I can’t leave death because is always good to me 😮😮😮

Oh my gosh!!

https://youtu.be/vWaRiD5ym74

(I know this wouldn’t work with the song… but if you took the word “cake”… and just changed it into “Chocolate” 🍫 … omg – life complete!)

So doesn’t it just figure … I am standing on my own, I did it ❤️ I am ok… I have kinda of a wonderful life – saying that in many terms – I am happy and at ease. I have a peace ❤️

But isn’t it funny that I am …

https://youtu.be/9BgNVW4T1eo

… but then there is a very dangerous war happening 🤨

https://youtu.be/GBd5W9IA7n0

Change the word “people” in that song to “Putin”

Like finally I am free and doing well, have good job…

So on one hand – my life has been upward trajectory since my last surgery ❤️ my sun is shining brightly

I do work for it … I work very hard! I took my time and healed and lived nice and peaceful – built it up – and look how fast life picked me up! So… 🙂❤️ it makes me happy and it’s all really exciting and awesome…

So I wanna be all excited!! But then there is a war – and horrible things happening every day…

So on one hand I want to love life and be excited – totally enjoy the moments … and then I work with death… soooo I also believe to not miss a minute to savor your good moments … those moments carry you through your bad moments. So cherish everything you can while you can. Life just changes – you never know when change is coming.

But then ya know – human beings suffering and these awful events… so then you don’t want to be so happy because others are not – so I want to love life – but I feel guilty for that little bit … because my heart breaks for them… all of them, Ukrainians and Russians 💔

Also … just one thing… I want to make sure to emphasize something …

Be aware with news media… watch out for any biases… do not let any of them lead you – form your own opinions based on true and direct information

That is both incredible source of information and also an incredible danger.

Just be aware always 🙂 See why I don’t trust? lol … just always be aware.

Anyway…

My mind is going to explode with so many things going on!!!

Ok good night 😘💤

https://youtu.be/aGCdLKXNF3w