What suits you?

You know how some people love shoes? Or others love purses or whatever… I love bathing suits.

I love finding that perfect suit that accents all your curves just right!! ❤️ That one suit that fits perfectly and looks amazing – you feel good. So yeah I have always loved finding bathing suits ❤️

But I am having issues this year 😳😮… I thought initially this be easy … but it’s not this year. I have these new body parts… I thought that would totally open my world to a plethora of options 🤨 – not so much.

I don’t like boring bathing suits – I like fit, style, color, pattern

◦ And I DO find stunning suits!! The problems I run into is either the suit totally would show my scars or have weird lines.

I could NOT wear that one! I kinda “like” the top… but Oh my god! That would just show ALL the scars lol – and then also- I might as well just go topless cause this does nothing lol (legally I can if I want, without nipples – but I do not want lol)

And the selection of suits this year is highly disappointing!! You either have grandma type bathing suits, ones that would have crazy tan lines or ULTRA sexy … I’m finding the ones in between lack style or something?

I do find the bathing suits that have the under boob really hot!! I kinda want that…

Yeah – I really like that!! I want that one. I just really like that ALOT!!

I think it would be ok with my scars? Just that really bad one will be an issue – but that’s always going to be an issue – it goes high, from center of chest, all the way to the underarm. There’s no way I can hide that in a suit – I can’t even hide it in clothing, unless we talking a turtle neck 🤨

So that right side scar is just gonna be seen period – I can’t do anything about it. I don’t “really” care… it’s not my self esteem or body image… that’s really good for the most part … I don’t really have body issues … except the scars – little bit.

They are beautiful “to me” – they have a story to them? And I survived and makes me remember what I can make it through ❤️

They are just really personal to me… they are tied to some emotions. Not a big deal, (I am alive ❤️) just saying but that makes me feel is personal? Private ?

The way these scars are – I can’t hide them…

I also do not like to draw attention – um… but I do that anyway, fricken always!!! So I guess fuck it, right? 🤨

Sometimes in life – I feel like we have lessons … everything I have been through has had lessons …

Well… I don’t always like lessons 😝😝😝 some of them really suck!!! ✌️

I am also REALLY cautious… so what happens is, lessons are given but I don’t always catch the lesson because I am overly cautious

So then, because of that – life decides its going to throw the biggest lesson it can muster 🤨😑 so I finally get it?? Cause I don’t always? Life beats it into me lol ✌️

I sort of hide myself away? I just really really really love the peace!!!

But that’s not really good right? I’m not supposed to do that, am I? I walked away from life? It just went snap – and I walked away, I went silent and I just kinda TRY to hide.

My brain picked “flight mode” ✌️

It’s not a bad thing to me?? I only see the peace and safety in this situation. I am blinded by that… I love peace and safety ✌️❤️

Anyway… I do believe things happen for some reason (you can believe whatever you want, just saying what I believe) … and I believe those things that happen teach us lessons, or bring something amazing to your life if you let it.

So… these scars are really impossible to hide. I can’t hide them ☹️ … so I will learn how to NOT hide WITH them 🤨 – I do prefer to hide, so they will be forcing me to not hide 🤨 (grrr! Totally don’t like this lesson!!)

And then also… I like to blend in and NOT be noticed – although I really SUCK at that in general!! As if the breasts weren’t enough to catch attention… let’s go ahead and add huge purple scars on them to draw even MORE attention 🤨 is like a neon sign to have your eyes on my chest 🤨 ugh – killing me!

So I will be having some major lessons on dealing with attention 🤨 – I really HATE this lesson!! I don’t even know how to process it lol

But … if I can become strong in these lessons – it just builds who I am and how far I can fly? Plus the more I can work through things, the stronger overall I can become.

** IF I can get past the lessons and actually learn how to handle it will just make me stronger – but it’s getting PAST those lessons that I sometimes have a hard time with 🤨✌️😘

I do have a few things I need to learn how to handle and deal with… I have MANY lessons to learn still!!!

Life – it’s always lessons!!! Lessons lessons lessons!!!

If you don’t listen to your lessons – then you get even BIGGER lessons!! Ugh – my lessons are giant!! But meant to make me stronger, so whatever

This is just how I view things so I can get past things that block me. ✌️

Just trying to find what suits me ✌️😘

This morning we be up at school for a big portion of day. Returning the BIG giant TUBA lol … and getting yearbooks – she gets to see her friends again for first time in months and months – we be in masks, outside, and with distance

I already went over rules lol… no hugging and touching lol … she kinda argued a little saying “they been isolating too mum”

So we will see. It’s hard not to wanna run up and just hug ALL your people!!

Is gonna be hot again today and tmrw – then our temps will drop… oh and I get to work BOTH days this weekend ❤️ woo hoo!!

Ok I have to run- back later – enjoy the day!! ✌️ ☀️♨️

May 28, 2020 0

Hot excitement lol

Whoa!! So India is also having heatwave at this moment too? I read that it’s 122 degrees 😮 Oh my god!

We currently are 105 today and I’m dying… I am very red… I looked in the mirror earlier and my face even is red with heat!! I’m just all red from head to toe!!!

I don’t know how anyone can survive 122 😮 … someone else told me is 122 in Death Valley 🏜- here in California (desert)

Oh my god! Just the thought of 122!! I have had 115 here before and is like being cooked in an oven when you step outside!! You know when you open an oven door, and that initial heat hits you in the face? Yeah like that!!!

I am neon red!! Although my scar got burned too? That one really prominent see-able scar does not turn red or blend in… it turns a darker shade of PURPLE!! Also, I have that burn “itch” 😒… I scratch the breast area and I’m not supposed to have any nerves there – but several minutes AFTER scratching – omg that hurts lol – I can feel that!!! 😮

I have 2 stories about getting sunburns…

First one … I was maybe 21? And my girlfriend invited me skiing in New Hampshire … the weekend we there, they had a lot of snow, but was record breaking temps for time of year …

We were all bundled and it was hot – REALLY warm with all that stuff!! And the sun was beaming that day…

The bra I had on, looked like a swim suit cause it had a animal design on it lol… so wore snow pants and that bra skiing – I made sure not to take a digger lol 😄✌️ (a fall)

Ok well no one told me – you can get a severe sunburn from the reflection of the sun off the snow … Oh my god! 50 shades of red!!! I burnt every area of skin visible … omg just remembering lol – that was bad – I did not wear lotion 😮

Anyway… maybe about a week later … I had to drop off some business papers to a client that had never met me before – only dealt with me on the phone … lol

Well is was at that time that my face decided it would just start peeling Oh my god! So I looked like a leper or something!! All my skin was peeling 😮 Oh my god!

There was just nothing I could do lol… that was horrible!! Worst sunburn ever with lasting effects!! Lol – he still stayed on as my client, but I’m sure noticed the horrible peeling and didn’t know what was wrong with me… I know he noticed cause it was really bad – my entire face!! 😳😮

The second time was more recent – maybe 2015? I went to Lake Tahoe ❤️… laid out on beach ❤️… a little while would be ok? Cause I forgot previous lessons evidentially …

A little while was NOT ok… and I burnt myself purple!!! 😮 I didn’t even know people could turn purple!! Lol – they can!!

I hurt so bad, I could not move… oh you don’t even know unless you have experienced that!! Oh wow… yeah I can remember the feeling just thinking about it!! Makes me {{shudder}}! That took over a month to go away 😳😮

I am way more careful and remember those things now. After the purple one – I am very careful. Lol

I burn always though, even with lotion and reapplying. Fair skin with freckles ✌️ it’s gonna happen. 🤨

We finished the shed this morning before 10am, it was still bright, sunny and really hot… night time doesn’t even cool down much 🥵

Then we had to run a few errands with things and tmrw we return the Tuba and get the yearbook…

I can not wait to see this yearbook lol – how they gonna work this into “the year that was not”? 🤨😄✌️

Tomorrow is the day she wants to stay later to see her friends. I guess we doing that. You should see the size of her smile and her excitement ❤️

I love to see her so happy and excited ❤️ tmrw will be a fun day ❤️ … I am kind of excited too… I will get to not only see my daughters face lit up with happiness – but all of her group of friends as well… it’s gonna be a day of happiness ❤️❤️❤️ yay!!

I think afterwards… we do something special? Like make smoothies? It will be hot and that will be fun and a nice treat – I have pineapples, strawberries, blueberries and bananas ❤️

I am excited for tmrw ❤️✌️

May 27, 2020 2

Passwords & disconnected ✌️

Ughh!! So I locked myself out of a photo app/site I’ve had for years

It doesn’t share them with anyone – but I can store all my photos there… like my parents did with slides … I do with this thing. ❤️

Well the app logged me on… but I thought the password was in the phones saved passwords and it was not 😮 … but I had already signed out 😳😮

I can’t remember what kind of password they wanted or what I would have used ?? I tried several versions of what I trickle through – I have too many!

I tried too many times 😑 got locked out and if I reset … we no longer have that email we used for that account anymore … they send some stupid reset code to the “email” 🤨

Can you just text my phone for that??? Cause the telephone number has been same for always!! They don’t do that 🤨

I have had this photo app for years though – is only photo storage. ❤️

Ok so… I guess I will wait and try again later. 🤨

Stupid passwords!! Last Sunday at work 🤨… I go to login … and the computer says – oh sorry you are locked out 🤨 … until you change your password – it’s been 90 days 🤨

So I have to come up with this new complex password every 90 days … this should go well 🤨

I have an Instagram account … well kinda – I have one… but I have never posted. EVER, nada

That one creeps me out?? It just does. I feel way too private for that ? I have never used. I can’t remember the password on that one either but there is nothing there

I have 2 followers and friends? One is my sister in law lol … and the other is my cousin lol ❤️

My brother doesn’t do social media either… well sometimes he does Facebook 🙄 … he’s weird with Facebook – my sister in law usually handles it lol … omg she is on Facebook constantly 😮 I could not handle that omg … but her job kinda makes her have to do that. That’s a area she can get business word out for sales and also networking for business etc

But she also posts a lot of family stuff and she runs marathons!! Lol she posts all her running stuff … she does the fun ones – like the color run or coffee run? They have all kinds – I think there is even a chocolate run lol

Anyway… so passwords sometimes suck – and social media I am not comfortable with

My girlfriend uses Snap?? All I know is it’s a yellow app with a ghost on it… you send pics or something – nope not for me have never touched it

That app was causing problems in schools a few years back… so I don’t want anything to do with it. I just avoid it

I also have never done Twitter. Have never had an account not really interested

I know everyone and their mother uses all these things – I don’t … I don’t feel comfortable so I don’t

Even before anything – I only had Facebook… and email

The Facebook is still there … but I have not touched it … coming up on a year… not sure I wanna go back?

I never really had an interest in all that stuff and seems like such an overload.

Now I just keep this and email. It’s peaceful ❤️

Yup peace is what I chase after lol … I definitely run after peace and run away from anything not peace lol ✌️

I have to get to bed. I am not doing well getting to bed early anymore – and I still wake early

Gnite ✌️

May 27, 2020 7

Not in a rush

We are going to be doing this in stages. It’s too hot. I can feel my heartbeat through my skin 😮

104 🥵 cooking me!!

We gonna finish in a little while, need break from the heat. That sun is just beaming down!! All week will be this way 😳🔥

My weather apps all tell me we going to be setting record breaking heat this week… BUT on the weekend we fall back down to the 70’s 😳😮??? So that’s um different lol … what the hell California, make up your mind – are we in summer or not?

Later on …after we finish today – we might go to neighbors to go in pool for little while? We see? I didn’t get suits yet so my daughter will have to use one of mine and I will have to take the one she doesn’t pick – both pop me out too much but whatever is just the neighbors house – not a big deal.

My girlfriend called a few minutes ago … yesterday after eating we took a walk… some neighbor of hers saw us walking and called her to ask all kinds of questions about me today 🤨

She said he wants to know if I be interested possibly? 🤨

I don’t know this person at all – I don’t even know what they look like 😮 I know nothing about him… zip zero zilch

She knows how I am… she coulda just told him no…

She does not understand why I don’t want to date or why I am so protective. It’s just the way I am ok with, so she doesn’t have to understand it or like it.

I want to know a person and who they are first. I also feel is important they see who I am too. Attraction is not the only thing! If blinded just by that – there’s nothing there ✌️

I move slow and cautiously. And I still go through a lot of stuff… so that’s gonna be a solid no.

I know I am very hard in this area… I know that. I just need that hardness right now to feel secure and at peace? I really don’t feel secure trying to date anyone at this moment??

I told her to tell him no… thank you but not currently dating.

She called me back to tell me she told him no and then explained to him I am Pollyanna 🤨… a Pollyanna is someone who is all sweet and innocent – she felt it needed that explanation 🤨

Whatever … she can say or think or label whatever she wants … I was married forever, and I don’t feel like dating because that was rough and still is… that was/is hard to go through… I’m not doing that again. It’s gonna be what I want or nothing.

And another thing… she likes to talk about sex 🤨… I am very private in general … and with sex Oh my god! Only the person I choose to do that with, will know anything about that with me.

She however will speak very freely with it 😮 … ok ya know… not having that over here – so let’s not always talk about it lol

I am just busy handling things anyway. I have a lot going on.

I am very opposite of her which is why she calls me a Pollyanna and also because I always avoid men? She just doesn’t get it.

She won’t – cause it’s not her experience… she can hear my story, but to her it is not what she is familiar with, so she is not seeing through my eyes.

She is fearless with many things… where I have fear – she is fearless… where she has fear – I am fearless

But whew boy… the things she says lol … she pushes for me to just give someone a chance – but I’m just doing my thing right now though and I feel like those pieces will come together when they are meant to, if they are meant to.

I’m not in a rush at all!!! Why is this such a thing???

To her is a big deal… to me it is not …other than when she brings it up! But whatever

I believe we gonna do some more work … ugh is like hottest part of day right now!! I can still feel my heartbeat in my skin 😮

Maybe I will get wet in shower really quick before going back out… I think I’m gonna do that cause that sounds really good lol ✌️

This weekend I will be telling you it’s cold 😄😄✌️ fricken weather

May 26, 2020 10

The music that forms you ❤️

We are taking a break, we are waiting on rock delivery which be coming after lunch… Oh my god! It is heat stroke hot!! Not kidding… heat stroke and heat exhaustion are a thing!!! You have to be VERY careful!!

I am so wet with sweat 😝 and I’m hot and red lol… I am in AC for a moment while we wait for delivery. Whew!

In the meantime, I wanted to give a list of songs to:

https://leendadll.wordpress.com

Reality continues to ruin my life — Read on leendadll.wordpress.com

Because you seem to be similar to me in music – thought you would enjoy these lol 🥰✌️

But I had a problem – you can not let me at this decade musically lol… and this music right here – is the music in the beginning of my formation as a person lol ❤️✌️ … this is why I still do the robot 🤖 lol 😘

I LITERALLY LOVE ALL these songs – I had a hard time stopping lol 😮❤️❤️ cause omg so much good music lol 😘✌️😄

Anyway – hope you remember and enjoy some of the songs 🥰✌️ (the 80’s were so awesome with music! we should do that again lol) 😘✌️

Company B – Fascination

(I love this one ❤️)