Ok so I guess I can share a little today … this is the background… sorry so long
I met ex when I was only 17/18 yrs old. He was funny and at the time I had a 35 year old stalker.
The stalker used to wait for me to get off of work and jump out of my bushes and give me presents … I was young – that terrified me… I had told him over and over I was not interested. He didn’t listen, kept trying.
My ex was the one who got that to stop… so my ex was funny and he was protective … he had a really good work ethic too.
He worked in a grocery store, and was going to college. I worked as a telephone operator for an answering service that handled government agencies and major corporations.
He hurt his back and couldn’t work the job he had anymore. So I went to my bosses and asked if they would give him a chance.
At first they said no… they said they had done the boyfriend/girlfriend thing before and always goes bad…
But I explained that I understood, but I was only asking them to meet him first before making a decision and however they decided I understood.
They met him, he was very charming… and they liked him… so they gave us a probation period to see how would work – it went fine and they hired him.
He did well, even getting into the sales department.
At this point, we were living together which my family didn’t like, but it was the times… and I wanted to not be so sheltered.
Shockingly, after 3 years, I became pregnant 😮 … I was not supposed to be able to… at 16 doctors had told me, I most likely wouldn’t be able to have kids. I had accepted that, and felt I could always adopt – but I got pregnant instead.
He initially asked me to have abortion… I do believe in a woman’s own choice… but I am Catholic, and I was just blessed with a life that I wasn’t supposed to have – there was no way I was doing that.
I told him, if you want out there’s the door – sign me your rights before you leave. I’m having this child, will do alone if I have to. I was already in love with this child. I was gonna be a mom ❤️ I was so happy – so if he wanted to leave, then do that… but I wanted rights signed over if he wants freedom.
He decided not to do that. And asked me to marry him when I was 7 months pregnant… I said yes… but I was too busy reading everything I could on being a mom and having a child, “what to expect when your expecting” was like a pregnancy bible to me lol
I was excited ❤️
We also couldn’t tell my dad at this time because he was sick with cancer and having surgeries – we thought the shock might kill him, so my mom asked that we wait to tell him. We waited .
I didn’t have the time to plan a wedding. I was 7 months.
I went into preterm labor at 7 months – I almost had him and lost him… I was now 50% effaced and had dropped…
I was still working full time … my due date was Mother’s Day ❤️
They wanted me on bed rest but I needed the money, we had a baby coming… so I worked – I was just an operator so it was not strenuous.
I worked right up til the Friday before I had him. That Sunday was Mother’s Day – he came exactly on his due date…
I had never known such an intense love as I did the first time I saw this beautiful perfect child… I came to that hosp as a normal girl, and they sent me home with this human being I made ❤️ I just stared at him constant – I couldn’t take my eyes off his perfection ❤️ he was perfect and I was so lucky.
I took maternity leave – he worked days… when my maternity leave was over – I had to switch to nights. So we didn’t have to pay daycare and I was protective – only family could watch him. No way was I leaving him with people I didn’t know.
I loved being a mom right from the start!! It was incredible!!
I had forgotten all about getting married … until the child was about 7 months old… he came back to me and asked “are we getting married or what?”
Oh yeah, yes ok… so I took a week and planned a really quick small quiet thing… and a week later we were married – it was February – in Massachusetts … we had a nor’easter the very day we married… I remember joking with my friends was an omen… I should have listened
But I didn’t, and we were married.
We didn’t want to have more kids until we were a little more stable… so we both kept working and raising our child .
Everything was ok then – we had the normal couple fights you have sometimes.
When our child was 3, I got a job offer in the same city my grandparents lived in… I got a job as a receptionist for a huge insurance company – I loved it …
But I had to work days, so he had to go into daycare… I found a really good one…
The only problem was – I could not be the one to drop him off … this daycare had a huge front window… and when I tried to drop him off he stood at the window in tears 😭… there was no way I was driving off like that. It tore my heart in 2
So my ex would do the drop offs and I would get the happy excited pick ups ❤️😄✌️
My ex soon got a job with NEC (a computer company) … when our little boy was 4 … he had a job offer in California – we were excited
We had decided to try for a second child also, but I was going to be a stay at home mom… I was going to give myself up for my children.
So I gave my notice and we moved to California… and we started to try for a second child. I started to have medical issues and it wasn’t happening
I was diagnosed with Graves’ disease … a thyroid condition. Autoimmune
I was taken care of… and was getting better .
During this he came to me one day and said … I have a dream and I would really like to do it… he said he wanted to be in a band and make it big …
Well as long as he still worked – I was supportive… if that is your dream you can still follow that – we be behind you – love your best life and no regrets
So I got pregnant again, and he was working days, and at night he would go to band practice and on the weekends play in the band.
I was taking care of a child in school, keeping house, making all meals, doing the lawn, handling bills – I did everything – he was providing for us, and I felt like he was trying to make our lives better.
That’s what I believed anyway. I was young. I gave my life for my family.
Three months into that pregnancy, I started to bleed… he was at band practice – I was crying. So he came home and took me to the hosp.
They said if I was losing the baby there was nothing they could do… it was too soon…
They did an ultra sound – and I swear to god this little peanut, looked like he was flipping us off 😳🤨😄✌️ – I still have that photo lol
He still had a heartbeat and was still ok… I was doing too much and my placenta had slipped – I was on bed rest for awhile – which a neighbor helped me with cause he was still busy with working and his dream. He never missed a beat when it came to himself .
I needed him, but he was providing… or so I thought.
I had the child, our second child, and again I was thrilled and he was beautiful and I was blessed ❤️
He had colic though, so no matter what I did – he cried.
One night, I had fed him, burped him, changed him, and just held him – but he cried and cried … at about 1am, my 7 year old came into the baby’s room…
At 7 years old, he said “mum give me the baby, you go take a minute – go to the bathroom and refresh” 😳😮 a 7 year old did that, said that 😮
Was in tears, so he sat down on the bed next to me and took the baby and I got to go to the bathroom and have something to eat.
My first born was more like a husband than my own husband. He really helped me through, but he was still a child – that was not his position… but I am thankful for his help.
In the meantime the problems started … my ex was drinking heavily – I have no experience with alcohol or drugs .. so I didn’t know… I was blind – I was young
He started fights all the time if he was home… I could never do anything right no matter what it was – I tried really hard to please him and keep everything together – I was thankful I was able to be with my boys and cherish those moments ❤️
We bought a new house – it was beautiful… right after that my ex got laid off … right away he got another job – still computers … and nothing changed other than his anger growing…
In the new house, his anger and issues were getting bad… he threatened suicide several times … I would calm him down and talk him through it. And it was fine.
He would take business trips, while he was gone the boys would sleep with me… I kinda liked that cause we had fun…
I would buy us Ben and Jerry’s ice cream – we each would have our own… and we would watch Haunted History on the history channel all night – it was awesome!!!! The boys loved it and so did I ❤️
I did all kinds of things with the boys – and they were very attached to me … we used to make big poster boards and balloons welcoming him home cause we missed him and wanted him to feel missed and know we loved him
I would make his favorite meal, so when he came home, he be a king…
He would get mad at me for that… why would you do this? As if it were a bad thing? I was confused, so we didn’t do that anymore.
We went to a friends party one night … it was like a block away so we walked … one of my neighbors watched the boys for us.
He always left me alone, he went off with the men, and I went to the kitchen with the women.
A man who was a doctor started taking a liking to me.. he kept talking to me… but I was kinda shy and I was afraid with my ex right there speaking to another man like that. So I tried to stay away
We had issues with that because he was always accusing me of cheating … I had no time to cheat!!! And no interest… I was raising 2 boys, taking care of the house and lawn and everything!! So I just avoided men to avoid problems But they still happened… and I am pretty so was hard – I was always hit on!!! Always!! I avoided as much as possible, but it always happened
That night that doctor was intent on talking to me … I kept trying to talk to the women and he kept trying to focus on me.
My ex came into the room and immediately got in the doctors face. At first I thought he was just being protective but it turned into a scene, I was embarrassed – so I got mad cause I can handle myself… and I left and went home.
I went into the bedroom to get ready for bed and I heard the front door slam… the boys were sleeping …
He came into the bedroom… grabbed me – threw me across the room… I was like 100 pounds … he is over 200.
I hit the wall and fell on the floor – I curled up and he began to just get angry, calling me a slut and whore and then came over to where I was and started beating me while I tried to shield myself.
I seriously thought he was going to kill me that night…I looked in his eyes and they were glossed over and almost soulless- I will never forget those moments
I begged for my life and finally he stopped… I was stunned- he had never done that before – what just happened ??
Later he apologized profusely… said would never happen again- that was a lie… it happened many times
I had been sheltered my whole life… I didn’t know how to handle and I was scared – I had kids, no job and I was far from my family – I felt trapped and I was embarrassed. So I hid that.
I couldn’t have friends, or let people come close because of what was happening… he hated anyone I became friends with, and that became an issue… so I became quiet
I became “conditioned”
I poured myself into my kids. I made sure that no matter what, there was laughter… I wanted them to look back on childhood and remember laughing and knowing how much I loved them.
I didn’t want them to know abuse… when he would get mad at them, I would step in – he didn’t know how to be gentle and would have hurt them – so I took it. I hid the abuse from them for the most part
They saw things though. I tried my best to shield them.
One night we had a fight… I can’t remember what about, it was always something… he wanted sex – I said no… I was mad …
He didn’t care. He took that anyway. I was his wife, nothing I could do.
I got pregnant with my little girl that night. I did not expect another child while all this was happening.
He was never there through any of it with the kids … he was away for my ultrasound so my boys came with me.
I fully expected another boy… but the technician said girl… I made her check like 5 times lol are you sure??
Then I had my baby girl. ❤️ She was beautiful like the others had been ❤️ my kids were my world!
We lost our home because he was spending money on alcohol and women… I had no idea
The day we had to be out he couldn’t help at all- he had to “work”
So my oldest and I moved the entire house into storage – I don’t know what I would do without my oldest ❤️ he was so good to me and helpful … wasn’t his place but he stepped into it because I needed someone
We stayed in a hotel for a little while and found a place to rent – and moved in.
The violence picked up… we tried marriage counseling – but he was angry and I never got to speak… he told me the dr didn’t want to see us anymore because she said I was the problem- so I tried harder
Un til one day in 2011, he hit my second born across the face with a brand new plunger I just bought
I was done. I thought… I struggled with being the one tearing the family apart … but I booked plane tickets for me and the younger 2 to go back to New England and be with my family
I had given my oldest the option because I had always moved as a child… and he was entering his senior year – I wanted to give him that decision, to graduate with his friends – he choose to do that
And I left with the younger 2 – we bounced around – I homeschooled so studies were not interrupted…
What I didn’t know, is while I was gone – he was telling everyone horrible things about me… since no one knew me and I was quiet – people believed him
He also started taking some other woman to events and out with friends _ but I didn’t know this
While I was back East we visited his family. I learned a secret.
When my ex was young – his older sister was being sexually abused by her uncles… when she went to her mother – her mother told her “be quiet that just happens in families” … so that 4 year old little girl believed that’s just how was …
She began abusing her little brother thinking that was ok. He was abused by a sibling from age 2 to 6
In a small way, I felt relief… cause now I knew the problem… I confronted him on the phone one night and he lost it.
Once again I talked him down from suicide. He promised to go to doctor following morning and he did
They immediately placed him in a mental home under a 72 hour suicide watch – it drove him crazy
They put him on medication… and suddenly we could have conversations like we used to long ago
I felt it was time to go home / to be supportive – to be a family. And we could help him. We knew the problem now
So we came home. Back to California
He promised he was ready to get better… 5 days after coming home it went right back… he stopped the medications because it “fogged” him too much he said
It got bad again… and he was speaking badly behind my back and seeing this other woman too- I had no idea
He picked a crazy woman, cause she showed up at my door to tell me everything
I was stunned. And it was a huge punch to the gut… I never thought he was that type – but I misjudged
I asked him to leave – but he refused. I cried for weeks. And then one day thought – if I want change, I have to change something otherwise – this was my life… and I didn’t want that.
I tried to get a job through temp agencies because I had no references, no recent experience, and no education except high school
I got the same response from all 3… “we don’t take people like you” ☹️
So I had to figure out how to do this… I knew my police department had a volunteer division… I thought that would look amazing on a resume and I would get to know my community, and get a little experience and some references – what better references than police?? Plus it would help keep me safe
My police took me in immediately ❤️ they trained me in police vehicles and I would go out with them and report things … just as a volunteer
They also trained me in the front office… they started using me for public relations. I loved it!! I hid the abuse from them for awhile
Someone I knew, came to me one day and said they had a job that paid and would be perfect for me… it was my golf course – I was hired on the spot.
I kept both for awhile. I started saving money to get out, I went to a government agency for abused women – they told me I could leave and it would be ok… I would be protected … that was a lie
Then one day… I believed and so I left.
To be continued … because WP is not happy this is soo long lol
Learning Life 