I am very silent

I don’t even want to come here 😮😮😮 I don’t wanna speak at all – this is me forcing myself … but I should come here cause it will make me feel better … but I just have silent urge… I don’t want to really speak or anything – is the pressure

https://youtu.be/u9Dg-g7t2l4

I’m fine … sort of?? I dunno ?? I wanna cry 😭

Ok so… hmm 🤔 well work is highly stressful 😭… omg so much cases … we have so many and just 2 of us really – sometimes 3 … that’s it – just us 😭

One moving to better paying job and I thought we were gonna have a location manager and help with families and help me… but they backed out of position due to personal issues

So … is just me and another …. Sometimes one more … so I am buried – yes pun intended

I can’t even get to my own work. It’s becoming disheartening – we work so hard! 😭 but we need help from people who actually work! I keep notes because so much comes at us so fast… I sometimes feel like I am starting Alzheimer’s 😮 there is so much work for not enough staff and I am highly overwhelmed!! Going towards burn out

But anyway – so I’m a little sad – I was excited help was coming but now it’s not😞 I guess I’m not surprised

Anyway… so that’s a pressure

And then military is also becoming a pressure …

I don’t want to do things after work – I need down time – and I don’t want to go to Sacramento – I came out here to be out of there. I do not like driving and do not want to do that all the time – once in blue moon great – but no not all the time

And I need space … and he just keeps saying “let me take care of you” … ok no because ya know what – I am not gonna be at anyone’s mercy – so no … and I do not want to feel obligated – so no!!!

He does treat me really nice … but no to take care of me by money – that is not what I want cause money controls and nope not gonna go there – I do not want to be at mercy…

Is learning because I see that there are many meanings of “to take care of someone”

I’m not gonna be kept… and don’t want him to do anything for me

I won’t allow him to do anything for me because I don’t think I trust his sincerity at all??

To take care of… the first thing that comes to my mind is making sure someone is ok and seeing if they need anything or you can do anything – nothing to do with money.

To take care of to me is more regarding a love or care for someone

To take care of for him… I dunno … seems very money based?

What does “to take care of” mean to you? What first comes to your mind when you think to take care of someone?

Yeah money is nice – but whatever … always remember :

https://youtu.be/8SeRU_ZPDkE

I like him – I don’t think he is bad guy… although anything is possible in todays world … but I’m not willing to stress myself out in my personal life

I can’t work a FULL days work of heavy heavy shit and want to do anything with anyone… much less speak …

You can’t want me all the time – I won’t have time for that… not with this job. I need someone who strong with self and can handle independent strong woman and bring out best and enjoy life with … easy and not heavy massive pressure

So I dunno I do not feel that here – I feel nothing but stress and pressure – and then boom 🤯 silence 🤐

I can speak and be normal at work – I’m totally normal at work cause I am comfortable and know my shit…

But just the pressure of work and then the pressure of someone trying to come in my life – ugh I remember why I like being alone 😮 I think people can be chill – but no they can not

https://youtu.be/TJrA-TKNDCQ

https://youtu.be/a01QQZyl-_I

https://youtu.be/pXRviuL6vMY

But I am fine – just in thought and very busy 😩😭

Whew 😥 I got this. – I always got this … but I am having a moment or a week – let’s just go with a whole month or whatever cause we still in the 20’s… and it’s been crazy like that so moments are allowed! ✌️

https://youtu.be/guv5LUT1AFw

I have a case of the Mondays every single Monday!!! Lol 🤨

There was something kinda funny today… so when someone dies and they come into our care – we have a form that documents what is on the person – including in pockets (so it may be returned to family or destroyed) … well today someone came in and in their pocket was ONE spiral shaped frito … just one chip lol 🤷‍♀️ in their pocket and that was it lol ??? Was a little humorous cause we did not expect that on the form lol … and also why??? Why one chip? What is that story??

Ok well anyway … bleh 🙁

https://youtu.be/_zXKtfKnfT8

Ugh ok … Wild Wild West

https://youtu.be/RijB8wnJCN0

Ok so February … oh god … i still have entire new year to make it through – god help me!! 🙏

But bonus is that it is staying lighter later 👏👏👏 oh it is so nice to get home and is not pitch black!!! I love coming home in the light ❤️ that makes me feel little better

And I also think this :

https://youtu.be/wh-07BzfgYY

So going crazy inside a beautiful life lol – but that is life sometimes ?? Right? I dunno? But I do love life – just sometimes it can be little insane 🤷‍♀️

Ughhhhhh – meh – I am moaning

But I have a family like this:

https://youtu.be/mPbFxEGzCaM

So I have wonderful people I love very much ❤️ if I ever need for anything at all – even just to talk they are there for anything I need… and they understand me and I them ❤️… my village ❤️

So is how I know I am still ok ❤️ always – I am never alone with them ❤️

They might not be blood 🩸 but they just as thick ❤️ my family ❤️

Also … I battled death and cancer and Covid… so this be nothing … but I’m still very burnt out

And the pressure makes me just go silent severely

I need balance – I do not have balance

I am not balancing well at this moment

https://youtu.be/jhat-xUQ6dw

It will be fine. I am strong 💪 of mind – ish … I just have the silent thing 🤷‍♀️😘

And on another topic…

Turkey and Syria – our thoughts and prayers are with you 🙏 I’m so sorry for your losses and devastation 💔