Remember life?

Ok so… when I work in city… no one knows me there … I am unknown ❤️ I love being unknown ❤️

It was wonderful because I could go to work – be all unknown and that was it… then I come home and be away.

But now… not only do I LIVE in town, but I have been in this town… I am from this town… they know me here …

It was only matter of time, but today it happen… family came in and I knew them… I lit up and they did too, so excited and big smiles all at first… but then I remembered where I work and they remember what there for and then was solemn 😔

It was a matter of time.

I am from here, and live here and know many people … now I work here … I am no longer unknown 😳😮

I did not really think that through – although the commute I have now is kinda worth it… I’m not all stressy from the drive and I don’t have to leave for work when is still dark just to be ok with traffic

Now I can leave my house at 7:57 and still be to work before 8am 😮😮😮😮 how bad ass is that?

But to have that – people know me. So I’m not really sure how I feel with that?

Now will get around I am back and where I am.

So I not be unknown anymore

Ok.

So I could be ok? Is different now?

I just always worry with my silence – I do suffer from in diagnosed PTSD from everything – and that’s where I go silent

Should be fine.

I don’t really have escape now – everything right here …

I also running into same issues with men always so that and then not being unknown ?? I dunno 🤷‍♀️

I was also going through death and Cancer and satan before … I don’t have cancer or satan at this moment or hopefully ever again 🙏 dear lord please!!! I do still go through death, every day …but not my own.

I had a lot of pressure from all areas and I was exhausted from fighting for my life with cancer and Satan … and then also I was so well known here – everyone knew me… I had the entire community know me…

I went into my final surgery normal – and when I came out I fell off face of earth cause I could not deal at all. I just went completely silent … I stopped all social media abruptly – like completely done… suddenly without warning – I refused to respond to anything … I only had Facebook though but it has everyone from my childhood, my family, my adult life while married … people I loved

And I would post raw about the cancer and what was happening – everyone jump in to help me and many were soooo compassionate … every day I had hundreds of messages on messenger and things

Satan used social media to harass and abuse

And then even though cancer I still got hit on … once I lock keys in car right after mastectomy … I had not done the reconstruction yet – but I had tubes and drains and many awful things … when I came out to car… I see keys on seat… so I have AAA and I call for tow… they send out some young guy who thought I was a nurse because I at hospital and I was dressed in blue that day.

I said … no I am cancer patient – I just had mastectomy few weeks ago – and he still ask me to dinner 😮😮

I did not have dinner with him, or anything with him. That was hard time to me. And I was not in that mind frame. I just wanted my keys 🔑

But it was all that all at once that make me go silent. So I drop off face of earth… and then if that was not enough… I picked up and went to middle of no where and would not respond to anyone unless I thought you would send out swat team or something …

They were all mortified – I had just gone through so much turmoil and trauma and then went silent and refused to answer anyone. Didn’t care I needed that… I needed peace

I had a friend who would not let go and would NOT give up – no matter how much I not respond… finally I respond to her and she say – I was so worried you gonna slit your wrists or something

I just needed time and I needed the world to get the fuck away from me

Sometimes I still need that. ✌️ only when severely overwhelmed – I will go into my shell 🐚 for minute – just be quiet

I also do not give men chance really because of shit from Satan … if you pull any narcissistic moves or anything like that – I will drop you like hot potato… I go ice cold and walk away. Nope not dealing with that shit

I am driving this train now… I’ll be damned to have another man who full of shit and waste of time … so I watch how someone treats others, how they are with me, who they are as a person… and stuff like that – I’m not gonna get stuck with another satan

I have taken time to heal and know self and what want – I not settling … and after what went through – I can’t do that again

So… ya know – I dunno 🤷‍♀️

That brings me to the guy… so he text me either in morning or mid morning – but when I am at work… it’s poppin – so I can’t not respond to personal things – unless my kids have emergency or something … I’m just too busy and then I forget

I am really really busy at work! A lot of restructuring and things – I have a new location I fixing – and I currently handling 3 helping get some trained up

But guy will usually text me at night to say good night

Which is fine I guess… is just texts – whatever … isn’t anything too much, just good morning and good night usually or saying how much he like me 😳

But then tonight he CALL me

Calling is different than texts – I am weird with that.

With a text, it’s at my discretion – and if I busy or exhausted – I can answer later or another time

I was not expecting a call and usually – unless on call … my phone is quiet … 🙌

Except tonight – remember my little grumpy old man I used to take care of? He call me tonight and we chat for little while and I tell him I recently talk to his sister … they been in my life for maybe 25/30 years? They my catholic family ❤️ I talked to his sister on my birthday ❤️

But he had to go… he is old and forgets to charge his phone and it dies lol 🙄😄 (that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea when I say it lol ✌️ ooops lol forgot to charge) but I need the phone always usually because of work.

Anyway I was doing things and not paying attention to caller ID … I thought was maybe grumpy old man again? But it wasn’t …

It was guy and when I answer first thing he say is so good to hear my voice…

And then I’m kinda caught off guard? We talk for minute and then he say… so when think you might be available again 😳

Ok.

So this is gonna be a thing. Ok

Cause now I don’t feel like he give me room to breathe… now I feel pressure

He on different path than me… he want to travel and have fun all the time… but I have to survive and then also… the vacation time I DO have… I save that for my mother – I am not willing to lose my mom and not be able to be there with her

Some friends say – yeah well life, and you never do something for you… but I do – I self care… they just mean major things … my life is my family and my job

And he live very far

I just feel like he jumping in WAY WAY WAY too fast

And I have been asking around about these emojis…

People don’t usually use those in regular text messages!! I have been asking people!! It’s a little weird right?

He will send me things with his emoji person but it will have a background and sometimes a full person … it’s weird – just odd way to text

Mine are all just the head and hands … his are all elaborate with stuff – is weird

But anyway – like I say a phone call is different

And since so far he texting me everyday – yes every day – like this is a total thing… this is not a total thing… way too fast!! That is overwhelm area – careful

Ok see sorta stuff like this just makes me not even want to try with anyone – or a give a chance

Because is always this or asshole so why bother?

I am not in hurry for anything – every day I wake up and I am lucky enough to have another day – makes me thankful enough ❤️

And I am away from having drama at home and I am away from Satan – is peaceful now

And while I do want something from someone… I just don’t know fate with that yet. And there is one thing that means ALOT to me – that I want and need… if you can’t do… then bye – to have a person in my life – that be a HUGE thing.

I just pour myself into my work and kids… so… I don’t really stop for someone to catch me. But then sometimes my people think I should live more and then since I work in death everyday and also because of losing my mom… lately I question if I live life or have I been forgetting to live?

I dunno – I see a lot of death so I just thinking

Tmrw I could die… you are never promised a tomorrow

My people see me pour myself into work… and when I not working I just like peace – so I come home and have nice peaceful night by self. I like that… is peaceful – I have peace now…

You could say I don’t have a life? I dunno… I do. I don’t always have to be with someone or do things to have a life. Sometimes peace is life … well for me. ✌️

Well anyway… a phone call and everyday texts is kinda much … this is new … he knows nothing about me other than my personality – nothing else

All he is interested in is travel and having fun… which is great sure – anyone would love that… and of course you have fun

But I can not have fun all the time – currently I am still adulting (mostly) ✌️

But omg – I can’t be gallivanting around having all kinds of fun!! I have shit to do!!!

And I need some room to breathe.

You really need to know your person for your approach – this is why you take time to know someone … he coulda been fine if he just chill

Is never chill

Well anyway … grumpy old man did call me back… and I was like “oooohh I gotta run – I have a call coming in – byyeeee”

Ahhhh grumpy old man I love you!! You save me! Thank you ❤️ I told him about everything and he tell me it does seem too fast, and said he sound needy and desperate

But again remember too, I am younger for him? So maybe is that? I am very younger

Ok so I am learning my age range

I have a saying regarding the young ones – cause I have issues there too… my rule there is… if you young enough to have been my child – nope 👎 must be at the very least 10 years older than my oldest. If you coulda come outta me – you never getting in me – nope!!! So I like that rule. 😊✌️

But I never thought you need one for older… but ok… if you could be MY parent – perhaps that is also gonna be cut off. lol … I never thought to make cut off for older – only younger … I usually deal with younger

I don’t really like to have these things because no one can be just chill and relaxed. It’s always gotta be this huge thing

Can’t someone just take some time… I know we not guaranteed time in life… I know… but I need time so that is always gonna be thing. Ugh – patience is virtue so… guy fails.

This is why I don’t like to give chances … cause no one can just actually be chill with me. Can you just be easy and treat me like human being and not overwhelm

Country boy did right in that way… why he still in my life… he go slow and take time and let me grow for own self and not suffocate – we not on same page though – he can be in my life but I will keep distance because of that. I already know we don’t want same things so is no point … but he has always also been great friend to me. And he still there … and since he know me so long… he knows all I went through. He can be my friend. But that’s it… he does not want what I want – no benefits offered other than my sparkling personality lol 😘✌️

If you interested in someone …you should let them breathe and not pressure – be easy. Go slow. Take time – true colors come always. Always always always – just takes time – what is rush?

Took me time to build my world again – and I love my world ❤️

All the best things in my life I build and I take time to make good life. So … he way too fast and I overwhelmed and pressured so I will deal with that as always 😞

I just tired of it…

https://youtu.be/vZvkyfwD8mI

And also I need to be little careful with balancing – not totally balanced because 2022 is just insane the entire year so far!!!

Can we please please please have a week in March? Please 🙏🙏🙏 mostly to commemorate Covid because we really should remember how we get to this place and also to honor & remember everyone lost 💔 … but also I really miss the shut down with the world, and the peace … plus I could use a week of nothing … please please please 🙏🙏🙏

One week of nothing sounds soooooo incredible … we can make it a yearly thing – we could all use escape and balance from worldly things – a retrospect 🙌❤️

I know you won’t do it, you only do stuff like that when you scared. Takes a deadly virus to make world shut down real fast – otherwise nope – it doesn’t – seemingly getting crazier!!

Mentally the world should take a week together every year 🙏😘 just one week together no pressure lol … but then again – see I want to always remember life

✌️