Remember life?

Ok so… when I work in city… no one knows me there … I am unknown ❤️ I love being unknown ❤️

It was wonderful because I could go to work – be all unknown and that was it… then I come home and be away.

But now… not only do I LIVE in town, but I have been in this town… I am from this town… they know me here …

It was only matter of time, but today it happen… family came in and I knew them… I lit up and they did too, so excited and big smiles all at first… but then I remembered where I work and they remember what there for and then was solemn 😔

It was a matter of time.

I am from here, and live here and know many people … now I work here … I am no longer unknown 😳😮

I did not really think that through – although the commute I have now is kinda worth it… I’m not all stressy from the drive and I don’t have to leave for work when is still dark just to be ok with traffic

Now I can leave my house at 7:57 and still be to work before 8am 😮😮😮😮 how bad ass is that?

But to have that – people know me. So I’m not really sure how I feel with that?

Now will get around I am back and where I am.

So I not be unknown anymore

Ok.

So I could be ok? Is different now?

I just always worry with my silence – I do suffer from in diagnosed PTSD from everything – and that’s where I go silent

Should be fine.

I don’t really have escape now – everything right here …

I also running into same issues with men always so that and then not being unknown ?? I dunno 🤷‍♀️

I was also going through death and Cancer and satan before … I don’t have cancer or satan at this moment or hopefully ever again 🙏 dear lord please!!! I do still go through death, every day …but not my own.

I had a lot of pressure from all areas and I was exhausted from fighting for my life with cancer and Satan … and then also I was so well known here – everyone knew me… I had the entire community know me…

I went into my final surgery normal – and when I came out I fell off face of earth cause I could not deal at all. I just went completely silent … I stopped all social media abruptly – like completely done… suddenly without warning – I refused to respond to anything … I only had Facebook though but it has everyone from my childhood, my family, my adult life while married … people I loved

And I would post raw about the cancer and what was happening – everyone jump in to help me and many were soooo compassionate … every day I had hundreds of messages on messenger and things

Satan used social media to harass and abuse

And then even though cancer I still got hit on … once I lock keys in car right after mastectomy … I had not done the reconstruction yet – but I had tubes and drains and many awful things … when I came out to car… I see keys on seat… so I have AAA and I call for tow… they send out some young guy who thought I was a nurse because I at hospital and I was dressed in blue that day.

I said … no I am cancer patient – I just had mastectomy few weeks ago – and he still ask me to dinner 😮😮

I did not have dinner with him, or anything with him. That was hard time to me. And I was not in that mind frame. I just wanted my keys 🔑

But it was all that all at once that make me go silent. So I drop off face of earth… and then if that was not enough… I picked up and went to middle of no where and would not respond to anyone unless I thought you would send out swat team or something …

They were all mortified – I had just gone through so much turmoil and trauma and then went silent and refused to answer anyone. Didn’t care I needed that… I needed peace

I had a friend who would not let go and would NOT give up – no matter how much I not respond… finally I respond to her and she say – I was so worried you gonna slit your wrists or something

I just needed time and I needed the world to get the fuck away from me

Sometimes I still need that. ✌️ only when severely overwhelmed – I will go into my shell 🐚 for minute – just be quiet

I also do not give men chance really because of shit from Satan … if you pull any narcissistic moves or anything like that – I will drop you like hot potato… I go ice cold and walk away. Nope not dealing with that shit

I am driving this train now… I’ll be damned to have another man who full of shit and waste of time … so I watch how someone treats others, how they are with me, who they are as a person… and stuff like that – I’m not gonna get stuck with another satan

I have taken time to heal and know self and what want – I not settling … and after what went through – I can’t do that again

So… ya know – I dunno 🤷‍♀️

That brings me to the guy… so he text me either in morning or mid morning – but when I am at work… it’s poppin – so I can’t not respond to personal things – unless my kids have emergency or something … I’m just too busy and then I forget

I am really really busy at work! A lot of restructuring and things – I have a new location I fixing – and I currently handling 3 helping get some trained up

But guy will usually text me at night to say good night

Which is fine I guess… is just texts – whatever … isn’t anything too much, just good morning and good night usually or saying how much he like me 😳

But then tonight he CALL me

Calling is different than texts – I am weird with that.

With a text, it’s at my discretion – and if I busy or exhausted – I can answer later or another time

I was not expecting a call and usually – unless on call … my phone is quiet … 🙌

Except tonight – remember my little grumpy old man I used to take care of? He call me tonight and we chat for little while and I tell him I recently talk to his sister … they been in my life for maybe 25/30 years? They my catholic family ❤️ I talked to his sister on my birthday ❤️

But he had to go… he is old and forgets to charge his phone and it dies lol 🙄😄 (that actually doesn’t sound like a bad idea when I say it lol ✌️ ooops lol forgot to charge) but I need the phone always usually because of work.

Anyway I was doing things and not paying attention to caller ID … I thought was maybe grumpy old man again? But it wasn’t …

It was guy and when I answer first thing he say is so good to hear my voice…

And then I’m kinda caught off guard? We talk for minute and then he say… so when think you might be available again 😳

Ok.

So this is gonna be a thing. Ok

Cause now I don’t feel like he give me room to breathe… now I feel pressure

He on different path than me… he want to travel and have fun all the time… but I have to survive and then also… the vacation time I DO have… I save that for my mother – I am not willing to lose my mom and not be able to be there with her

Some friends say – yeah well life, and you never do something for you… but I do – I self care… they just mean major things … my life is my family and my job

And he live very far

I just feel like he jumping in WAY WAY WAY too fast

And I have been asking around about these emojis…

People don’t usually use those in regular text messages!! I have been asking people!! It’s a little weird right?

He will send me things with his emoji person but it will have a background and sometimes a full person … it’s weird – just odd way to text

Mine are all just the head and hands … his are all elaborate with stuff – is weird

But anyway – like I say a phone call is different

And since so far he texting me everyday – yes every day – like this is a total thing… this is not a total thing… way too fast!! That is overwhelm area – careful

Ok see sorta stuff like this just makes me not even want to try with anyone – or a give a chance

Because is always this or asshole so why bother?

I am not in hurry for anything – every day I wake up and I am lucky enough to have another day – makes me thankful enough ❤️

And I am away from having drama at home and I am away from Satan – is peaceful now

And while I do want something from someone… I just don’t know fate with that yet. And there is one thing that means ALOT to me – that I want and need… if you can’t do… then bye – to have a person in my life – that be a HUGE thing.

I just pour myself into my work and kids… so… I don’t really stop for someone to catch me. But then sometimes my people think I should live more and then since I work in death everyday and also because of losing my mom… lately I question if I live life or have I been forgetting to live?

I dunno – I see a lot of death so I just thinking

Tmrw I could die… you are never promised a tomorrow

My people see me pour myself into work… and when I not working I just like peace – so I come home and have nice peaceful night by self. I like that… is peaceful – I have peace now…

You could say I don’t have a life? I dunno… I do. I don’t always have to be with someone or do things to have a life. Sometimes peace is life … well for me. ✌️

Well anyway… a phone call and everyday texts is kinda much … this is new … he knows nothing about me other than my personality – nothing else

All he is interested in is travel and having fun… which is great sure – anyone would love that… and of course you have fun

But I can not have fun all the time – currently I am still adulting (mostly) ✌️

But omg – I can’t be gallivanting around having all kinds of fun!! I have shit to do!!!

And I need some room to breathe.

You really need to know your person for your approach – this is why you take time to know someone … he coulda been fine if he just chill

Is never chill

Well anyway … grumpy old man did call me back… and I was like “oooohh I gotta run – I have a call coming in – byyeeee”

Ahhhh grumpy old man I love you!! You save me! Thank you ❤️ I told him about everything and he tell me it does seem too fast, and said he sound needy and desperate

But again remember too, I am younger for him? So maybe is that? I am very younger

Ok so I am learning my age range

I have a saying regarding the young ones – cause I have issues there too… my rule there is… if you young enough to have been my child – nope 👎 must be at the very least 10 years older than my oldest. If you coulda come outta me – you never getting in me – nope!!! So I like that rule. 😊✌️

But I never thought you need one for older… but ok… if you could be MY parent – perhaps that is also gonna be cut off. lol … I never thought to make cut off for older – only younger … I usually deal with younger

I don’t really like to have these things because no one can be just chill and relaxed. It’s always gotta be this huge thing

Can’t someone just take some time… I know we not guaranteed time in life… I know… but I need time so that is always gonna be thing. Ugh – patience is virtue so… guy fails.

This is why I don’t like to give chances … cause no one can just actually be chill with me. Can you just be easy and treat me like human being and not overwhelm

Country boy did right in that way… why he still in my life… he go slow and take time and let me grow for own self and not suffocate – we not on same page though – he can be in my life but I will keep distance because of that. I already know we don’t want same things so is no point … but he has always also been great friend to me. And he still there … and since he know me so long… he knows all I went through. He can be my friend. But that’s it… he does not want what I want – no benefits offered other than my sparkling personality lol 😘✌️

If you interested in someone …you should let them breathe and not pressure – be easy. Go slow. Take time – true colors come always. Always always always – just takes time – what is rush?

Took me time to build my world again – and I love my world ❤️

All the best things in my life I build and I take time to make good life. So … he way too fast and I overwhelmed and pressured so I will deal with that as always 😞

I just tired of it…

https://youtu.be/vZvkyfwD8mI

And also I need to be little careful with balancing – not totally balanced because 2022 is just insane the entire year so far!!!

Can we please please please have a week in March? Please 🙏🙏🙏 mostly to commemorate Covid because we really should remember how we get to this place and also to honor & remember everyone lost 💔 … but also I really miss the shut down with the world, and the peace … plus I could use a week of nothing … please please please 🙏🙏🙏

One week of nothing sounds soooooo incredible … we can make it a yearly thing – we could all use escape and balance from worldly things – a retrospect 🙌❤️

I know you won’t do it, you only do stuff like that when you scared. Takes a deadly virus to make world shut down real fast – otherwise nope – it doesn’t – seemingly getting crazier!!

Mentally the world should take a week together every year 🙏😘 just one week together no pressure lol … but then again – see I want to always remember life

✌️

38 thoughts on “Remember life?

Add yours

  1. Mm, life is such a puzzle at times.

    You do live your life, Trisha. You live your current life to the full. You are always busy with work, family and children, which awards you peace and, for the time being, completeness.

    It is an order, a way of being you have control over, having been out of control with so many things before, like Satan and Cancer. The latter especially takes away your power. Satan tried to enforce, albeit violently, his control over you.

    You don’t need pressure in your life. You need someone to understand the intrinsic beauty of life and living life. Moneybags doesn’t get that; he gets his lifestyle and thinks that because of his money and the freedom and power it awards, he can sail into people’s lives, and the funds will launder their way forward and make everything excellent, but it doesn’t do that to everyone. Some sure will fall for the glitter. Someone will always allow themselves to be romanced by it all.

    When Suze was going through cancer, people didn’t get it. They couldn’t understand. They thought, “Hey, you have had your treatment, you are in remission, you are normal again! Why aren’t you again?

    They didn’t understand that Suze, who had pre-cancer, gone out of her way to make others happy and never took the time to please herself, was a different person.

    Cancer changed her. She was abused physically by her first husband, it made her cynical about life, but it didn’t change her – the CANCER did change her whole outlook on life – she wants to live her life her way, and that may not make sense to a lot of people, because until you have had cancer or some life-altering experience, it changes you and in some ways forever.

    Suze and l live together as friends. We are in a relationship of companionship more than anything else. Suze needed time from her best friend to recover, to rediscover who she was. She didn’t need anyone or a body of people pushing her, demanding things from her, especially her time, which cancer made her realise was short with no guarantees.

    She didn’t want to feel overwhelmed.

    For me allowing Suze to recover was easy. It was easy because she is my best mate, and l know her well; l want her to be happy, but happy her way. I am protective of her as l feel about you, Trisha. I get what you are saying, and l can feel your frustrations with life and guys, this guy and everything.

    It’s not easy being you. Hell, it’s never easy being who we are when we try and please everyone. Still, there comes a time when we have to stop and say’ stop the planet, l am getting off for a while, like it, lump it whichever, but if you are genuinely interested in who l am as a person, then you’ll give me the time l need and you’ll get to know me over time, not in quick stop heartbeats.’

    Just be you Trisha, take your time, don’t get rushed or pressured by anyone, life’s literally too short for shit that makes us feel unwell and stressed and overwhelmed.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes absolutely! I have no reason to be rushed or pressured and I won’t live like that – already have – I don’t put up with shit from anyone – I built this kingdom so like hell someone come in and control

      Don’t worry – I am redhead lol 😉 I am firey 🔥 I speak my mind.

      And yes either he gets it or he doesn’t

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well I have a lot of people … and I’m a mom… and my job is insane…

        There are gonna be times I need peace … I dunno? But yes

        And I need time – I can’t go that fast. My god for being older lol

        I also don’t date for that reason – because I am not gonna subject myself to any umm 🤔 what is the word I want to use?? Insecurities?

        Currently I don’t think about any… so I also do not want to deal with any so leave those at the door. Do not be insecure or won’t be able to handle me… not the one.

        I am not insecure with my breasts – I just know be emotional thing. But is not an insecurity – is me not wanting to be emotional until I am at ease. ✌️

        And yup totally know what want!!

        But he can not be insecure and then that tells me that he does hide behind money – so then no

        Get to know someone before you all up on it… chill

        Why is no one chill????

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think it’s the very nature of the world in which we live, Trisha – that people can no longer be that chill. The world is going so fast that people think they too must be quicker.

        As l have aged, l have become more chill with regards to specific issues as well; l was never that speedy when younger; l liked to take my time with certain things, but l knew what l liked and what l wanted and when more youthful, it was more accessible, the life was more straightforward, the eighties and nineties and even early noughties were a much easier time to live a certain way.

        I remember dating older ladies in my mid-twenties. By more senior, they were usually in their later forties and early sixties [remember l was an escort]. I learned a lot about men and women, especially older men, from older women who were not keen on older guys back then. I suppose, in many ways, those experiences taught me more about women than l had ever learned about anything. The older ladies back then l considered more chill than younger women and more experienced with life – they knew what they wanted and how.

        But from the end of the early 2000s, the world started to get crazier and not as patient. People stopped being so chill, and more so l think in dating – now we live in an age where people want everything NOW without waiting and because of the overall disposability of data in our world and commodity too, people think people should be the same way.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Well they don’t take time to know how best to approach – you don’t just jump into war – you, I hope take time to think such things over 😳 … relationships can do just as much damage … so why not take the time to know the person you like?

        Yes – I am fun person – you can get seriously lost in my childlike excitement and chill fun demeanor … of course … is totally a childlike excitement and wonder – I get excited with things

        But my life also serious … I build – and I am mom… and I have serious job.

        We are last people on earth to provide comfort and care to someone crossing over

        So while I am fun person – I also have serious life … probably why I fun person lol more so

        I was always like that – is just exaggerated now because I see so much death. I also know tomorrow not promised.

        So ya know.

        But I did adult today and spoke with him – I will post and you will have to tell me – I am not good with these things lol

        I am used to satan and then my own peace I been on own so long I am not used to someone in my life like this.

        I also slightly worry about the age BECAUSE of my job – that is hard… I don’t think of age generally and he does not seem his age in health and energy lol … he younger than me there lol

        But ya know – my job … sometimes there be times when I do realize the age difference and then think of that (I know that’s horrible)

        Yeah women still generally want younger… and that’s fine – if you click and works then sure

        I don’t mind younger- ish… within range lol … but the younger ones come on REALLY strong

        I am not the type to come on really strong to.

        I am chill though – I am not one who plays games, also if I sense a game – I’m out

        Yeah I am not as fast as rest of world. I have my own beat.

        As the world turns I guess lol ✌️

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I have just seen on my directory that your post is live, l will over and have a read.

        Yes l think that is sometimes the case, strangely and ironically, l am usually fun all the time but when people see me serious they find that really odd and unsettling apparently.

        It doesn’t mean l am more serious or more fun, it’s just that when people see me, they are not seeing me often so they everything in the extreme.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh wow I didn’t know there is a place to see when peoples posts go live?

        My people all have fun enjoyable energy – and they also have serious side so for me is accepted – we all understand that

        But if you don’t know me I guess can be insecure – I have a silence too ✌️

        Liked by 1 person

      6. That is the key thing though isn’t it? People can make decisions on people they don’t see often. Aren’t we all at times a little insecure? we doubt ourselves for a while then we rethink the situation and become stronger again. I have a silence people aren’t used to, but the fact is it’s always and mostly there, people just don’t often see it.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. That’s why should take time to know someone – see who are so don’t feel those insecurities

    Would understand the silence and things

    I’m a mom, and my job is a thing …

    Not to mention my own caution ⚠️

    If you know who someone is then should not have insecurities

    I know why time important

    I not very insecure in self – only sometimes but not with people except Satan cause I always worry with him even now.

    But I am secure with self typically – but I also don’t give time usually

    I also like my silence ❤️ is peace ☮️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I like quiet, and no conflict, l like peace too. My ex-wife and an ex girlfriend were like your satan, it took me a very long time to recover mentally from the life l led with those two women. Then l met Suze and l made her take time to get to know me, because l had been so long of the belief that maybe l wasn’t a nice person because of the things the ex’s said of me, that l had a level of insecurity with me – with the right person in my life l came back to the person l used to be before l married at 30, it took Suze a while to get me back but she did.

      So it was a pleasure to be able to bring Suze back through her own insecurities following cancer – it is what mates do, what best friends do and what people who know us very well do 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I have a gift with people… they come to me

        Has always been that way even when little … people tell me everything and trust me and are comforted … I have a comfort about me

        I am the type you instantly feel at ease with

        Even strangers come to talk to me – it just happens 🤷‍♀️

        I am also gentle spirit too so maybe is that? 🤷‍♀️

        Insecurities with people I do not have because either you take as is or not my people … not all are meant – you find what meant to be

        I love my ownself – my own body – I am comfortable with who am always – is no insecurity there either

        I do have insecurities but they are more with other things – not in this area

        I strong cause I not willing to put up with little boy shit – be a respectable man or don’t approach – simple as that

        I’m not sure if he is mental due to people he has dated or not? I watching

        We see

        You are always amazing with your caring spirit – you always impress me with your heart ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think Trisha, it’s because we are empaths.

        I care about people, to many at first glance they see this funny guy who is not always so serious and jokes about a lot – but the fact is l do care about people more than l et on at times.

        With people l care about, l am like a rottweiler with an elephant size strength of mind, very defensive for the people in my life who matter to me. I am like a mum and dad combined when it comes to my friends who l consider my family – a sort of do NOT fuck with them attitutde or you’ll have me to answer to. People don’t expect that from me and when people encounter it, they are quite shocked. But they don’t make the same mistakes again.

        People find me easy to talk to also. I can meet people for the first time and come away knowing more about them than some might expect me to know … it has always surprised Suze because l don’t have lots of friends, but l am a friendly guy.

        My insecurities l think stemmed from a complete drop in confidence when l was with those two women. I ewas never overly confident, but before marriage l knew what l wanted from my life and my partner/wife – the problem is as you also know, sometimes the dreams turn into nightmares.

        But we live and learn and wise up and learn to take more baby steps with new things before confident strides.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Lol … I am same protective with my people ❤️✌️

        I have ALOT of friends – but I tend to be quiet and to self mostly, but I have always had many friends

        Yes indeed we do learn and wise up. Sometimes it takes a minute – but yes always!

        I am not overly confident with dating anyone because I just don’t know if I am there?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Well if any consolation, but most likely not, l don’t think l would have confidence dating someone l didn’t know anymore – the world’s just crazy these days, people have high expectations, they over promise and under deliver, they think that the world is their for them alone … it’s a scary, scary world these days!

        You need a degree just to crack through the dating game! I was reading an article yesterday and was both fascinated and mortified at the same time how much dating has changed and how very self-centred people have become!

        I think my dating days are over.

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Meh… maybe?

        I dunno if I find match? They can be who ever they are…

        I don’t want to share crazy or madness – I want peace ✌️

        I do not particularly like the crazy aspect of life. It’s the job mostly. Just how is.

        I do not need crazy on top of crazy – nope 👎

        If can’t have peace then don’t want

        Liked by 1 person

      6. I would love a hermit who likes to go out and do things …

        I am a hermit who likes to get out and do things lol ✌️

        I am quiet – do my own thing and sometimes think I can get out and do things lol ✌️😘

        Liked by 1 person

      7. I used to be a hermit – an actual hermit – l lived in the middle of nowhere, with my two dogs working as a stable manager to a DIY yard, living way out the back where no one knew my name hahaha 🙂

        It’s a very quiet life – l never saw myself as a hermit or even a recluse, just a quiet guy 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: