Finally…

Finally able to run ONE test on my mom – they struggle to keep her levels stable because there is some sort of internal bleeding… we can’t run tests because her levels off due to internal bleeding so it’s frustrating

Finally today they do colonoscopy and didn’t find anything – could possibly be small intestine in which case she must swallow small pill thing that is a camera … so they can maybe see the bleeding … we gonna try for that tmrw if she stable 🙏🙏

We against the clock because we also have a blood clot in her arm, and clogged arteries … so we work against that too – is time bombs ☹️💔

Monday she light up to see me, and I swear she was with me…

Tonight she still light up to see me – that is always … but she forget who I am 😭 she not know me 😭💔

And then also… when speak and ask questions she was talking kinda jibberish? Not really answering and then trail off and talk with her hands …

She laugh with me still and we took a good picture together ❤️

I do cherish every single moment

But is hard to see my mom who I love so incredibly much just be here like this now 😭💔

She so young to have like this 💔😭

And then just to lose my mom like that too 😭💔

Is a very heartbreaking disease.

Anyway to speak of it just makes me cry – I never cry with her… but as soon as we leave I do. And then when I speak of… because is hard for me to say… all my memories flash and just ya know losing her like this 💔 we are helpless and at mercy. 🙏

She just so young… and we lose her – I so jealous of families who have their parents into their 90’s … I still need and want my mom too…

But ya know – the way life goes – isn’t always what you thought or planned would be… you never know what life will become. We just here for little while.

Anyway – thank you for your thoughts and prayers – she looking so much better ❤️ we still have a lot of hurdles if possible. 🙏 I’m lucky to have every moment am able. Thank you god ❤️ thank you thank you thank you

I still cry – not like before when I so far away… I am comforted to be with what I have left of family …

They understand the emotions and also have them. How you explain your family to anyone else, BUT family ❤️ … is my blood people ❤️

Is nice to be with them at this moment ❤️ makes me just miss them.

And then to just be here close to my mom – to be with her ❤️ it’s both comforting to be here with her and also scary and emotional

I do not let her know my emotions… I want her to have peace … if she see me sad or whatever … it will make her sad so… I don’t want any negative or sadness for her. She does not need to see me cry – she will want to make it better for me and I don’t want her to worry. I’m ok – I just love her.

I just go in and talk and make her laugh – to watch her face… see her smile, hear her laugh … watch her eyes – the way they look so Irish when she smiles – she has such a innocent sweetness about her – everyone tells us she is such sweet kind lady even with Alzheimer’s she is motherly and thoughtful of others ❤️

She has the cutest little mannerisms … she always has…

My mom was really beautiful when she was young… down to earth though. Hard working and devoted.

She was dating someone when she met my dad… but then she met my dad lol ✌️

The story goes… that he liked her – she is 3 years older than he was … he wanted to ask her out but was afraid 🙄 …

So he immaturely had a friend ask her lol… he likes you and he wants to know if you would go out with him?

Lol … my mother said “if he wants to take me out, he needs to ask me himself” lol ❤️

And then since then they were inseparable.

Well … until 2017.

Anyway… see one minute is fine and I cherish moment and is happy am ok… and then next minute the depth of the loss hits me. It’s like this intense wave of emotion.

Sometimes when I write – it’s for myself… so I can kinda think my way through? Also maybe pep talk self to handle something. Or vent.

I can not help the crying – I can kinda keep it stable mostly – and I have happiness to be here with them… so I can function mostly.

Just certain tiny things will make me think of everything and then there is tears – is hard. I don’t want my mom to be sick, hurting, sad or anything bad! So hard to see 💔

Can I just wrap her in bubble wrap and keep her safe and ok forever? 🙏❤️ … I know, not possible

So… I don’t quite know how to process everything?

She will leave the hugest hole in my heart. 💔

How do you brace for that? I am afraid of that. Terrified so much!!!

I feel like my soul is at mercy… and with all that went through before … satan, all the losses and cancer things … I dunno that already kinda took my spirit down. Made me quiet. Life kinda beat me up

I have life and I love life but peacefully 🙏

I just have hard time to think of losing my mom – a really hard time – I think it will hit me hard – I worry about that. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna be inconsolable 😮💔 you just gonna have to let that happen. Just warning you …

Also even though I am aware of reality and how life works… still makes me just feel such heavy loss 💔 and the emotion with that is intense.

So my mind is trying to just accept and be realistic – but my heart does not listen whatsoever – the heart is more over powering.

So I dunno, I struggle with how NOT to be inconsolable??

I’ll recover… but will take time til cried out. I will end up exhausting self – then I accept – after life just beats it into me 💔😩

I think back how I handle deaths… that is how I do

Kinda makes me feel more quiet? Spirit saddened

I dunno – it’s my mom ❤️ 💔

I might be in Texas for little while 😳 they being wonderful with me letting me work remotely ❤️ thank you to my team, management and my company for the mercy to let me be with my mom – thank you so much ❤️🙏

I am eating… the heat is nuts with humidity – the air so heavy with wet heat

Ok well I still work while here …. It’s still crazy from however many miles away lol

I am tired from emotions and crying and everything

Ugh.

I am comforted to work and help others and not constantly dwell on mine.

Please take my mind away. ✌️

I respond tmrw – am so exhausted