What to say?


Ok so… my mom… we transferred her to another hospital and thank god we did!! OMG!

The other hospital didn’t listen to us … we were complaining about her black and blues … they tell us “ totally normal” because of being in ICU

When she got to other hospital they ask about her black and blues … for her face… we show her what was last Friday… was small red bump on forehead … next day when my brother went the whole left side of her head was black and blue …

And then her arm was deep deep black and blue… they tell us because of ICU and her veins … we complain to new hospital about her arm and they did a CT scan and she has a massive blood clot!!


So we ask if time for me to fly out… they said yes

BE VERY CAREFUL with healthcare – make sure they listening and actually CARING for you!!!

So earliest flight I could book was for Sunday – I go on Sunday – I book one way. I’ll deal later with coming back.

My oldest son will watch or stay at my house…

Work is like whatever you need! I asked my Market Director about bereavement time – we are biggest funeral market and they only offer 3 days bereavement … but he says to me – I believe in open ended bereavement (but I am not sure if that is leave?) I don’t really know things right now?

It just a big whirlwind. That took a turn really fast

My work family – they are a family to me… they keep trying to give me money on Zelle and Venmo – I say stop!! ✋ … when I need something “I will say so” …

But they say I losing my mom and want me to not worry about anything 😭💔❤️❤️❤️

I give them instructions how to do without me… and line up coverage for my Oncall … they tell me to not worry, they will cover while I am handling this. Ok then.

I work half day today (my choice because I still have a mortgage to pay and if I don’t – I will just cry) I will also take computer and work remote from Texas as able. They tell me no… but I say I have to pay mortgage so… they say ok.

I work as able… if I can work great, if not oh well. I am lucky… I have the most incredible beautiful souls who surround me ❤️ I am very rich in people who are in my life ❤️ they amazing and also priceless ❤️

I always tell you find the earth angels!!! ❤️ seriously!!

We already have funeral home ready to go. My Market Director will be notifying the Market Director in Texas, because I am an employee – so when my mom does die 😭😭😭😭 (I don’t like to say those words) 😭😭… but when happens because I am employee and she is my mother – we get a 75% discount so they lining that up for me 😭💔❤️❤️❤️❤️

I feel?? I dunno? Some moments I am ok… other moments I cry and am not stable. My whole life with her flashes in my mind… and then a world without my mother 😭💔💔💔

That baby is me… everyone else is gone or dying 😭😭😭😭💔

We don’t even have blood family left for a funeral and she has had Alzheimer’s so there is no one. Just us 😭💔

And then I am the oldest. The matriarch 💔

Like I say… sometimes I am ok… and sometimes I am not. 💔

Life without my mom 💔 I never want to know what that feels like but I am about to 😭😭😭

And then she suffering so … I don’t want that for her 😭💔

Ok well – I have to go.

💔😭 please don’t go 😭😭😭 mom I love you so!!


She can go, I am ok to lose her because she is suffering – but I’m gonna miss her love soooooooo much 😭😭😭😭😭💔💔💔💔💔

I see your messages – but I haven’t had time to respond – I will – and I know not to worry … but it will help me through also ❤️😭💔 just fyi

15 thoughts on “What to say?

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    1. I know… there are no words. 💔

      Yes I am making sure I still eat even if I have to force just couple bites – I just worry how hard this death will hit… this is my largest and most impactful death. Is my mom… so I am nervous with the sadness

      Sadness is not my favorite emotion – I do not like it. Is the one emotion you can’t really control?? I dunno?? When it is tied so tightly to your heart?

      🤗 thank you ❤️❤️ appreciate the thoughts and encouragement through this.

      Liked by 3 people

    1. I am glad too 🙏❤️ whew! I hope it improves because of that too… but I dunno?

      It is very sad to lose my mom… I feel heartbroken with it… but I am ok to let her have peace. I would want the same.

      I’m sorry I cry a lot this year – 2022 kinda kicking my ass.

      I don’t know what to expect with how I react – this is my mother. I cry alot because I will never have her again and this is a MAJOR event in my life. Whew.

      I will miss her very much. I love her with all my heart.

      How do you and your people handle loss? Is there a way you see it that makes it not so sad??

      I am blessed to have had her in my life. ❤️❤️ god did bless me with her ❤️

      I do believe everything happens for a reason… it is her time… and it is my time to let her go.

      I am not very good with letting go. 😭💔 … especially of her.

      Same to you always and thank you 🙏 ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh that level/ crash thing is driving me up a wall!!

      One minute I am totally normal… then next minute I am crying – it just comes on 😮☹️

      I do remember that with my other losses – but this one is my big one – my mom. I can’t imagine life not having her. She loves us sooo much. We all were those quiet kids who clung to their mother… and she was always gentle and loving, you always felt safe and she so funny ❤️❤️ even with Alzheimer’s she still adorable sweet and funny ❤️

      At the memory care place – she takes care of the other residents they say… she is like ultimate mom… so 💔😭

      I have that heart bleed with her 🩸 like heart actually bleeding from inside?? 💔

      I am breathing deeply because I hope I can handle her loss – it feels like the most massive loss in the world 😮💔

      Definitely gonna need strength!! 🙏🙏🙏

      Thank you ❤️❤️❤️ I am little nervous how I am going to be

      My face is so swollen and weird but I can’t fix it.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Yeah ❤️💔

        Hahaha ❤️ I love you – you make me laugh always

        Yes I swell so bad when cry! And then even when I am not crying, you can tell by the way my face looks that I have BEEN crying lol

        In Texas will only be worse 😮 maybe?

        I am sensitive to lose her… so I worry about my functioning …

        But then it is honor to be by her side to see her into peace… so I will want her to be at ease and not worry about how upset “I” be…

        I just want to cherish every moment I have left with her even if breaks my heart

        I just have to not let the heart constantly make me cry!! So I am not sure how I be?

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I think that’s the best you can do. You’re doing a great job of getting ready and “pre-processing”. Don’t freak out if you suddenly become very stoic and stop crying. It will hit again later.
        I think I went through every posdibld

        Liked by 2 people

      3. Yes that happened with my father too.

        But I didn’t see that one coming like that 😮 but yes that happened

        I hope I process ok 🙏🙏✌️❤️❤️

        Liked by 1 person

      4. … possible reaction pattern as I lost my friends. I was once at a “celebration of life”… everyone else being upbeat but I cried, HARD, the entire time.
        You feel what you feel.

        Liked by 2 people

    1. Yes – either she gets better is fine and I get to keep her (for now) 🙏… but I only say that selfishly because I love her and the thought of losing her makes me soooo sad. She does suffer, so it’s hard to watch someone you love so much suffering.

      Or she passes and will also be fine because then her suffering is over and she can have peace. She can be with my dad, whom she misses as much as I will miss her.

      So it just pulls my heart strings both ways.

      To keep – she suffers

      To lose – I suffer, but she has peace… I am just afraid to suffer without her.

      But I’m strong (most of the time, not sure with this)

      It’s just really sad, because I want them back. 💔

      I was not ready to lose them.

      I have sensitive heart, if I love someone.

      It’s just a moment in life that we get through. But it’s not easy. ☹️

      Yes … I’m actually eating, and doing ok. So far… but I am not in Texas yet 😳🙏💔

      Thank you always for thoughts, brightness and well wishes ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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