Speaking- ish

Ok… well … I have been sick 🤒… not Covid – just stupid normal sick- because our weather is going HOT/cold/HOT/cold rain … my body does not like that, you can not fluctuate temps and weather like that … my body freaks out!

My breasts ache every time it’s gonna rain 🤨 so that’s kinda annoying

Well anyway, I am feeling better today… I am awoke from the dead. Lol (totally kidding but felt that way for minute!)


So… I have stuff to say. But I don’t know if I can say what I want to say?? I really have to though, because it is important. I know how important it is. but I can not bring myself to face it – so then it looms over… and I try to avoid and mostly do well with that… but I should not avoid… it is serious not to avoid. Yet I do if able

I want to say so badly … but then I think of how to say and then that brings up everything and I just can’t … too overwhelming all at once so maybe little by little?

And then not just the saying part… cause eventually I believe I will say?? I hope I will.

But then once I say, I am afraid of what to follow

I absolutely see my issue but my mind just tells me that it’s ok and I am safe way “I” handle – but I am not … it just makes it easy for me to handle… but is not the way I should be handling.

The first time I was alerted to my breast cancer… I am thin/proportionate… everything had been fine. No history of breast cancer in my family.

Cancer yes. My dad had non-Hodgkins lymphoma … he battled 20 years before going into remission for like 10… he died at 67 from a myocardial infarction (heart attack) – what we used to save him – killed him 😭 the chemo and radiation weakened his organs and his heart could not take it… I lost him at 67!! We were on borrowed time anyway – but still

Anyway whatever just listen – there were other past family members who died of cancer. One was leukemia, she shared my name, but is not who I was named after… and I am not sure what types of cancer for the others .

Ok well…one night in 2013, I went to bed in a white tank top and little shorts … like any other night – nothing unusual. I was in an abusive marriage – which is whole other thing on top … but I slept in a room by myself… and usually locked door

The next morning I woke up in a pool of blood like I was stabbed or something – there was that much all over my white tank and bed 😮 … I had no pain anywhere – but I ran to mirror wiped down to see what the hell? How in the world did I wake in pool of blood??!!

… my right breast was leaking blood 🩸 as if it were milk 😳😳😮😮😮 I did not even know that could happen 😳😳😳

Ok so – imagine the terror – ok so then I don’t want to deal. I don’t want to face it. I was scared – I knew be bad

So I wouldn’t go see doctor because I was afraid

But I had this cool friend who said to me “ oh here is a plan for you … go to a clinic and just tell them you have an infection – they will give you antibiotics and send you on your way. “

Ok that sounded “do-able” … ok I could handle that

Until I got in there and then they say “by law they can not let me go without scheduling a mammogram, due to events that occurred”

Oh great. Ok then… I cry little

Well anyway… then it began… doctors and hospitals and things that went so fast, my head always spun… whether I understood or not.

I had my first double lumpectomy at that time – ok – that was done

But it was not. 3 more lumps came back, again lumpectomy… but then this time they left a message for me to call them because they needed to discuss my “pathology report”

Ok well they had never said that before – I knew was bad… ugh 😩 right away I knew was bad. Just that stomach drop

And then you don’t wanna deal but you have to… and then remember during all this I was still dealing with all my family just dying all at once! And also… I couldn’t have my mother 😭… they said to tell her would cause her to go into a “terror loop” of worry so no … I want my mother to have peace within her final moments – I always want her happy ❤️ so I went through by myself…

I have an aunt who was always my “cool aunt” she had been a nurse and has a beautiful heart – she is no longer married to my uncle. But she stepped in through phone calls and texts and was like a surrogate mother to me since I couldn’t have my own 😭 it was comforting

I would go in, and just cry and cry the minute I walked into dr office.

During appts he would say “you ok?”

Yup… I’m fine … I can’t control the crying so just keep speaking – I can hear you.

And he would speak his doctor words – none of which I understood… so I would go to the car and sob while I called my aunt and tell her everything he say … and she would explain to me and prepare me for things -she calmed me ❤️

During medical tests sometimes I would be so bad they would have to give me Valium to calm down – it was hard – just every time I had to face that, I think of my dad and then my kids – and you face your mortality … and when you alone to face that whew – how you not cry?

And you put your life in the hands 🙌 of others 😳😮😮 and hope to god they know what they doing. You assume they do – but not all do. So that is also terrifying to think… I had to just trust, I had no choice.

I also felt like my life was constantly about breasts omg!! Always and every appt I had to be topless.. or was breasts breasts breasts – omg my life had never been so about breasts before!! And then suddenly it was – oh I hated so much!!

So anyway, all of it was so overwhelmingly traumatic… right down to the final surgery and then when I woke from surgery – I broke?

That’s when I went silent and fell off face of earth everywhere ..: found place to live (on ranch in middle of no where) which was incredible peace and respite from everything ❤️ …haven’t opened Facebook since 2019… refuse. Don’t have twitter – have instagram because my cousin is there ❤️ … but I have never liked or posted anything – I just follow her and I don’t ever log on anyway because my email just shows me what she posts ❤️

I really want nothing to do with most social media…

My people were wonderful and loving and supportive, I was very moved and humbled by the support and care people gave me. Sucks that takes someone being 😷

I went from 2019 to 1985… just the cell phone really. The peace from being in middle of no where and the beauty there was incredible… very soul healing ❤️‍🩹

I just wanted to be left alone to heal, but since I do that so severely – it was sudden and uncharacteristic… I had just suffered a lot of losses and my ex was being horrific… so I needed to be away from life for a minute on my own terms – just leave me alone for a minute!!

But they all see it as worry I was gonna hurt self, I was not – I just wanted to breathe!!

I just needed the peace for my soul after so much stuff – I needed to walk away from life for awhile

Ok so anyway … eventually I build to what I know important to say. To think someday I say it – makes me 😢 cry – I don’t want it but I need to

I also like to avoid this completely … so maybe I can build in writing ✍️… to be able to say in actual words? I don’t know.

But maybe writing will help? I don’t know either

But we see.

It was all very overwhelming and severely emotional… I also had to remain a mother – also by myself – she never was late and I always got her to school or figured out with help from another mom.

I always cooked dinner and had adventures with her when able – we did crafts and biking and laughing, always made sure she taken care of.

After all the cancer things handled and they doing reconstruction … I took her to dr appts with me, and she saw me in recovery many times

So she not ever be scared like me. It be ok to ask questions and see this process – even though I on other side of the cancer by then… I never cried with the reconstruction so was ok for her to come with me.

I also do NOT like to cry in front of ANYONE… I hate to cry very much! I never want you to see me cry – which is one reason easier in writing.

There are certain ways that are best to handle for what you can handle.

I self medicate with work. But then that can be traumatic too. Because it gets insane and the pressure can be intense and then when you work to grind you kinda burn out?

I self care but not as often as should. I focus so hard on work so none of that puts me at mercy ever again.

I do not trust anything. Believe that everything is broken… from government to healthcare – because it is.

So I work to not deal with them – work is my crutch 🤫 takes my mind and focus away. I see other things not my own.

Going through all that and other things at same time – it was alot

So anyway… I’m not sure I even want to say this?? Because of the emotion. But is best so I can go forward? I am still unsure.

Maybe it help another with same or similar?

There is a lot more – but that made me face mortality and also know the fear of death. It really smacks you.

Then you see news of war or bad things – and if they overturn this Roe vs Wade I will absolutely lose even more respect for government so what you gonna do?

I am furious they take ANY right of mine away – fuck you! Where is the ridiculous law for a man to control his body?! A woman is not alone

And then also – fuck you because I want the right to die if I need that… leave my rights alone – government needs to stay the F out of my business

It’s fucking bullshit

Government got their own shit going on … handle that… my body is NOT your job!!

You way over reach now.

I will take my own right to die whether they deem it legal or not. I am not going through that again! Fuck you

What they gonna do?

I do not want the government controlling what a woman or person can or can not do… do not open that can of worms – leave it alone and handle the bullshit on your plate currently

How dare you even think of touching a woman’s rights or any persons right to anything!!

You mind your government business and stay out of my personal business!!!

Just wanna create wars all over the place huh? So we see … I will never trust the government or have faith in ever ever ever again with anything!! So how you gonna take that down ?? What is the decision? Not that I will listen or approve – cause I will fight against that one for sure!!

Hell no!! My body – my business … handle your own shit …my body is not your worry

You do not know what someone goes through or their circumstances – big fuck you to the government if you take my rights of my own body away!!!

What gives them the right? I have every right to control issues with my own body… if I want that and it’s my body… you are NOT gonna stop me!! I would do what have to do and would not care what they think they have the right to control – leave me alone!

Be careful what battles you choose!!

Yes it’s about abortion, not the right to die… but it falls on same area – thinking you gonna control what any person do with own body … ha! Yeah ok

Be careful because that touches many things.

You give them an inch and they take a mile and ruin the country so no!!! Quit the stupid shit leave people alone – handle your business before you go thinking you can control mine! Ha!!! Have you seen the country??? – no fuckin way – get your laws off my body!!!

So yeah – there is stuff I have to say lol

I can not watch tv because everyone is fighting – there is a war… I am tired – it’s always bad

I thought Covid would make people ?? I don’t know? Appreciate things more? See life? – but nope is almost right back to how was. a deadly virus didn’t even change the world really – interesting

And my want of my own right to die … I want to not suffer and I don’t want my family to suffer or watch me decline. I want to be remembered as I am on my terms. When I say that there is ALOT of emotion behind those words …

So I want the end of my life in peace should I ever have another diagnosis.

I understand time, and I understand how precious life is. I understand the gift it is…

But I just can’t do that to myself or my family… to suffer watching mortality take you away – nope I can’t …

So much so… that if you tell me no… I find a way – that be my purpose – you either with me peacefully and safely or you not.

Before I did anything I would have to have time to process or absorb… so would take me some time to take it in. I do take seriously

If there is pain? And I am always sick or no longer able to really love life… then yes – I want my choice. I want your remembrance of me to be peaceful and not sad … could say peace and make it beautiful

I have thought and thought about this. So. I know what I want should that arise. I do not want the government making my end of life choices – “As if”

I have to start saying something … I need to get past something – I don’t want to – I want to still avoid…

Because I just ignore and pretend it go away but it does not so … kinda strikes little fear so I’m gonna try to say stuff little by little. I have to get past it, because I think I need something? I don’t even wanna say that.

Ok well whatever – working on it sorta hopefully 🙏

I’m scared to speak and scared not to speak 😮😮😮 I am very scared to not speak.. but then I can’t… I will try to work up to it.

4 thoughts on “Speaking- ish

Add yours

  1. I understand your fear. You remind me of friends who refused to get HIV tested … “I don’t want to know.” But better to know and seek treatment than to live with fear!! Some who could have survived were lost because they couldn’t overcome their fear. If they had, treatments would have sucked but sustained them till modern “cures” came along.

    As I already said, I’m sending good juju. You NEED to be evaluated! I hope it’s symptoms of recovery, not relapse!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you 🥰❤️ yes I know best to not live in fear, it is partly fear and partly just not wanting

      Is little hard to me. Have slight PTSD (undiagnosed) issues … so this is just something I feel terror and overwhelmed with.

      But yes – I will make appt today

      I do not have good grip with no emotions or not crying with it, but I will face it.

      Ugh and then I have to take my too off all the time. So that kinda too

      There is a lot to me with this. Makes me cry or take really deep breaths

      But I have to so, I don’t really have a choice… especially now since I say.

      I hope is nothing also. 🙏🙏

      Thank you 🥰❤️🙏


      1. I know it’s panic inducing. That’s normal. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. You’re not alone and docs are used to it. Go in crying your eyes out if that’s where you’re at emotionally!! Just so long as you go.

        Maybe bring someone along for support? I had a friend with a deathly fear of docs. Her nips were oozing. I got her an appt with my doc, told him not to wear his lab coat (a trigger for her), and was in the room during the exam. Turned out to be something treatable – but might not have been if she hadn’t gone when she did.

        You’ll be okay. We’re all supporting you!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. No I don’t want anyone with me. Is better by myself – I will cry.

        I wish I had someone with me while I initially went through this

        But now, I am just more private and I don’t want many people seeing me cry lol

        I did all through the last time – all by myself

        But I am not alone – I go by myself – but I know I not alone ❤️

        I know I am ok in that aspect – and I do most things by myself now anyway (although I really want my mom!!)

        If there was one person I would totally want – it’s her – but I can’t have her so I just do myself

        Is better by myself anyway.

        Someone else would feel bad I cry so much – and then not know what to do.

        Is just more simple if I do alone

        I always know I have amazing people in my life so I don’t feel alone ❤️


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