The moments before

So… I got reminded of something today??

Or actually life was just reminding me of everything!!

Sometimes when I pick songs – they fit what I mean? And sometimes I haven’t heard them in forever until I pick them…

And recently I picked a few with those qualities 😮

Today they kept being on the radio 😮 and they never play those 😮

Coincidence??

And then … so one of the things I hated about Facebook – was that it reminded me of those horrible moments – like the death of my father – hey look what happened a year ago 🤨💔💔 that is an awful feature!!

And then – when I initially got diagnosed … I posted all those raw feelings on Facebook. As is.

The entire time – I posted everything that went on. And what it felt like.

And then Facebook started to remind me of those moments too!!! 😝😝😝 I wrote it but I never want to read again – it makes me remember ALL of it.

You should be able to mark what is ok and what is not! bad memory – never remind me lol ✌️ why can’t you do that?

Well anyway… I have almost 20,000 photos on my phone lol … I mention that because I really need to clear them – but my family is in there ❤️ before they died so I don’t want to take them off ❤️ I can’t 😘

My dads death is coming up… it was June 4th – that day gives me a lump in my throat and tears 💔

It’s now been 4 years … 4 years ago at this moment I still had my parents ❤️ and my life was normal ❤️

And my phone today reminded me of those moments before my entire world crashed and forever changed …

But … right before that happened … I was with country boy … he invited me to come watch him play in Las Vegas ❤️ so yes ok … and we went

I had so much fun – and we only went to the strip one night …and had this really expensive dinner 😮😳 and walked around- didn’t really gamble much – neither one of us like crowds or gambling ✌️

Most of the trip was ALL baseball ❤️⚾️❤️ except that one night

Anyway… I was really at the epitome of happy – to the extreme! It was amazing 🙌

And then within days of getting home – my mother called to say my dad had died 😮 💔

So my emotions in those moments were very extreme! Extreme highs right before …and then it came crashing down… it just shattered my world.

One night after the funeral, my mother said “tell me something happy, let me hear happy”

So I told her about that trip. I guess my smile was from ear to ear because after I told her everything she said “you love him” … no I don’t and she said yes you do… I’ve never seen you smile like that talking about someone

She kept insisting – I kept denying and she kept smiling 🤨🙄

Anyway… he continued to take me places every so often… he would take me away from bad things like doctors and hospitals – and death.

Before everything we just enjoyed life… and then during my things he helped me to escape sometimes ❤️ he’s unique with the things he picks – or at least they are unique to me

Yes I like him. A lot. He’s known me forever. He’s been really good friend.

But… we very different

I am definitely different world than his.

He is extremely country

I love the country but I am not very country – I am hmm 🤔…

I live in the country and love the country – but I am like city girl lol ✌️💋

Lol ✌️ thats a pretty good description 😄😄😄

I am mostly city-ish … rushing to work all the time…

I definitely do not milk anything to have coffee lol …I drive a car, not a horse…

I do handle my own 💪 so I have that lol ✌️

I hate to learn cars!!! I hate everything about cars except one thing …

Or two… ok two …

I like speed … not that I speed – I go the speed of traffic ✌️

And then – I am old school…

Oh those woofers ❤️❤️❤️ boom

So yeah I kinda like to feel that entire vibration – yes so shake my world 💋✌️

😮 maybe not explode like that though 😄✌️😮

He is all country 🙌

But he’s quiet – he’s cute. He’s very cool. He is a gentleman.

But anyway… my phone reminded me of those moments right before I lost my father. I remember.

I get it … but I am uneasy about certain things. There is just something

And just like I have my own little quirks or whatever – so does he.

There are certain areas that we absolutely DO understand each other!

But typically we are each outside the others World.

I like him… but I want something. And I want to be sure. 🤷‍♀️ I don’t feel secure there with him. There is something.

If not secure, then I like the peace by myself ✌️

Those pictures flashed me back.

Weird to remember before 😮

I’m so busy trying not to look back.

Looking back is really hard to me cause there are so many things – and they done so – I don’t want to revisit…

My life goes on

I don’t want to look back – I love those photos because was the last moments of sheer happiness right before the extreme drop.

It wasn’t until my final surgery that I finally took a breath again… and finally saw my world brightening back up ❤️

And here I am. Yes I think it changed me… made me stronger FOR SURE!!

So ya know. We see

I don’t know.

Ugh alright bedtime again 😒

That’s all I do… wake up… go to work… work all the time… go home… go to bed and do it all over again 🤨

Ok Gnite 💋✌️💤🌙

*** I am not doing good reading or posting 🤨… I finished this last night – hit “post”… and went to sleep.

When woke this morning it said “posting failed” 🤨

Ok whatever 🙄✌️ eventually I will get it back together 😘✌️

7 thoughts on “The moments before

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  1. That’s the cruddy thing about memories – the filter button often doesn’t work and the bad ones sneak through with the good. Hey, back-up your phone!!! If all those are there then you can’t afford to lose them! Load them to a pen drive or the Cloud but do it before your phone messes-up 😉

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Yeah I know … I just try to avoid all the bad stuff – I don’t want to be reminded like that. Those memories are still difficult. Is too soon! ✌️ not far enough away.

      Oh I absolutely have it backed up lol ❤️✌️ but I just don’t remove them off my phone.

      Thank you 😊❤️✌️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I think many of us are having a hard time reading posts as the world reopens and demands on time increase. Or, people like you and me work even harder to keep the elements of privacy that we came to enjoy.

    I’m sorry for the upcoming anniversary of your loss. I hope you find a way to focus on your good memories!

    I recommend organizing your photos by topic into Shutterstock memory books (they’re great quality and super easy to make). Then offload the digital files to cloud or usb sticks. But if you do usb, remember that they don’t last forever.

    Also, I’d install a Duplicates Finder app to delete any pics that are copied multiple times in your phone, before offloading.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah… now it’s “peopley” again. I liked it peaceful ❤️

      Now crowds are back… and just lots of things coming back.

      And then I worry because – covid lifting … when my daughter goes back to school I could lose my job because I don’t know how to get her to and from school? ☹️ that was why I couldn’t stand up before

      I had to do part time work to get her to and from work – the school I worked at had perfect hours – it matched hers

      But I work a lot in funerals – so I may have to start looking elsewhere anyway☹️

      And then ya know the added stresses of other things

      I am bit scared and nervous with reopen and all of it flooding back – it’s a little overwhelming

      And if I get too overwhelmed – I will go silent… I have to so I can handle.??

      Thank you – my dads death is a massive memory … it never gets easier … but I do cherish the moments I had and then also his death was really awful and I wish I could turn back time… way way way back … but I can’t so…

      But I will say – there are things that were good that happened and would not have happened if my dad had not died

      Like we would not know to get my mom help with Alzheimer’s… they couldn’t have done that alone and they had been hiding it from us.

      So I do have good things that came along after ❤️

      And I’m surviving without having them ☹️ I just wish I did have them – if I think about it … my heart aches for them 💔 so I just try not to really think about it.

      Just sometimes it seeps in ✌️

      I have back ups on both cloud and Shutterfly ❤️ I also have Snapfish ❤️

      I do not do USB’s … only use those at work with the families

      But I love the duplicates finder … I will have to look into that … can you trust it? 😮 have you used it?

      That is a brilliant idea 💡 duplicates are annoying lol

      Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

      Like

      1. Yes, I love the Duplicates Finder app!! It doesn’t auto delete… it shows you the pairs (and trios) with their storage paths. It will auto suggest which to delete but you just uncheck if you disagree.

        It also works on audio, video, and doc files!

        Are you able to visit your mother yet?? If not, will you be allowed to do so after the 15th??

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will download that and see?

        She can be visited and she is vaccinated … but is different for visiting – still masked and still can’t touch … behind glass … but I will check and see if they reopening?

        Like

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