Overwhelmed

It was Friday 🙌❤️

I just always love Friday, anyway.

Work went well. I am chugging right along on that. 🙏 I do have many things happening … I have Fire doing another inspection to check out my work 🤨🙄 which is flawless ✌️

And I have services happening now, I just had the bathroom fixtures removed and replaced (they were renting the most ridiculous things! Toilet paper holders, soap dispensers and paper towel dispensers) so nope… I bought new – they took out this morning with hardly any damage ❤️🙌

And I had them installed today 🙌❤️ ahhhhh no more bill 🙌

So that is really awesome!! 👏

And I handled office manager for 2 locations for one week

I do love being with my funeral people very very much ❤️ all of them are just amazing 🙌 … they are so funny ❤️

And it’s like being with 8 different people very similar to me in certain ways lol ❤️ they are all pretty amazing – we all fit really amazing together ❤️ I have an amazing team ❤️

Then kids came. We watched YouTube videos – some that my oldest made and then some of other people playing video games lol …

I don’t really connect – when I went silent – I walked away from the world.

I stopped social media and all contact – no news nothing… came to country and went quiet. Stay to self. I like that. Is peaceful.

But I only like to watch THEM actually play – not other people playing things on a video lol

Whatever

Then they showed me the most horrifying thing ever… you can not unsee this… so watch with your own discretion 😮

youtube.com/watch

😮😮😮 see!!! Terrifying 😮

Anyway… I felt like I wanted to show them what their father says, he wrote it to the court all the lies – they would know it was untrue and they would know what he does… they would see. They know the truth.

But I don’t say anything. They don’t want to hear anything anyway – they don’t want to be in “middle”. So I just feel silent. I want to say things – but I just don’t.

So that is hard. They don’t know what he does, and I can’t say.

My marriage was abusive. He was very jealous and I am pretty so that was always a huge huge issue…

He was also heavy drinker. I was not aware because he worked all day, and then he was in a band at night … so he was gone a lot …

He was extremely abusive in all ways… so i just tried to shield kids from that with comedy and laughter. I spent all my time with them… and I loved being a mom ❤️ they were miracles to me ❤️

When they looked back – I wanted them to remember laughing and having fun with me… not that.

But … I was quiet … just kinda kept to self – didn’t have anyone come too close, because the situation was abusive … you hide that from people.

So… no one knew me. I was friendly and just quietly – always very polite and nice. I am pretty though

He has always always always been brutally hurtful…

So I didn’t know, but while I was raising the kids he was telling people I was this horrible person… and then that gave them the sympathy to let him have affairs all over?

Made himself look like this poor soul.

I had no idea until one day some friends got to know me a little and were shocked that I was nothing like what he said.

He was telling them I was the one cheating – I was always with the kids!!! Not one minute without!!

He said I was this raging crazy person – I am quiet and also silent and even then I wasn’t going to speak up and get hurt if I could diffuse the situation.

Plus… I am smaller than him.

He said many horrible things about me so that … now he again plays the victim saying I was the abuser, I was the drug addict, I was the alcoholic

He also says to everyone – that I am this slut who sleeps with everyone

Ok well… I am pretty, and I have these fake breasts … so he just makes sure people will judge me.

So I removed myself from entire situation.

In my marriage – getting hit on was such a problem – I just removed that issue… I didn’t go out.

And then here – he has just been so brutal through everything – I am exhausted and overwhelmed. Through everything he has been brutal!! Insanely brutal!!

I can’t even function in the same room as him – I can not breathe at all

And … after my last cancer surgery… I went silent from everyone and everything and went to country to be left alone. I needed the peace

Well he still says that. And he shares photos with people we had 😢💔 and still claims that. He makes me out to be a very bad person.

The more it shuts me down – the more he does it. But I can not, because it completely panics me. And remember I am hit on constantly!!

If I was anything that he says I was or am – I could not have stayed so strong and survived. How do you do that to a human being who is the mother of your children?

In court last Friday, my lawyer said to me after being with them… well you did have affairs and sleep with people 😮

What?? I did not… I can prove everything and have character witnesses everything…

And he is supposed to be MY lawyer – I put my faith there – so that kinda threw me over the edge a little. And then he was rushing me for lunch

That made me feel sick- and I feel like I want to withdraw intensely.

So … I am always working – because he has made me struggle through everything – he wants to crush me and make sure people judge me.

You want to judge me then go ahead. Believe what you want to believe.

It is very hard to think of things without feeling sick 🤢

So I just keep to myself. I find it more peaceful. But I can’t not stop having panic now – I am having some issues

So yeah – how would you not want to go silent and get away?

I just want to be left alone. And then that makes me cry 😢💔

So … just heavy but that’s ok – I am used to it.

So anyway – there is also all that going on … I just stay quiet – I go to work, do my thing… come home and repeat. I don’t really have people in my life – except my coworkers… and I have a handful of friends I keep close. Because either they are loyal or I have known them forever (but they are also loyal lol)

I just keep a very tight inner circle.

So with my coworkers and my close friends – I smile and laugh and love life ❤️🙌 they are supportive and caring and amazing to be around ❤️

I stay out in the country and I keep a low profile. I don’t talk to anyone and I try to keep to self. I am polite and friendly but will also be elusive and distanced

I stay far away from any situations or I try to – but they always happen!! Always!!

Country boy I just feel like – I don’t know? He is kind and gentle but I still feel panic

I do not know.

And then I had an uncomfortable situation earlier in week.

So my neighbors… or one set of them… the wife suffers from depression, and things?

She doesn’t work. And she is going through menopause

She is nice, but has some issues (but don’t we all?) I don’t know them all too well. I am friendly and we have BBQ’d before.

They are nice

She is away for a couple weeks in another state far away.

One night when I came home from work maybe Tuesday? He was out and asked if I wanted a burger – he had extras.

I guess so?? It was nice to offer so I said ok.

We had burgers outside and chatted… at first was normal neighborly chit chat… then he asked me questions like would I ever marry again?

And then he said he loves her but wishes they hadn’t married 😮

Ok there are things – that people don’t need to tell me. That was one of those things

He started talking about money – which makes me highly uncomfortable…

And then he asked me.. 😮😮😮 he asked me “how does a woman go without sex” 😮😮

I was stunned …what????

What am I supposed to say to that!! I didn’t actually answer – I just shrugged… I can’t answer that to someone I do not know well – that is overly personal – and I am a woman and that was not appropriate – he does not know me well enough to say anything like that!

I get sometimes people need to vent – but that made me HIGHLY uncomfortable!!

I finished my burger and said I have to work early in morning – which wasn’t a lie… and I left.

I am quiet and reserved and keep to myself even with them next door. I am extremely silent.

So ya know… pretty… sometimes it’s a curse and then you add boobs and it’s awful!! It’s constant always all the time! And no matter how hard I try to get away from it – it doesn’t go away.

And you think – no… not everyone that way… but then I don’t expect and it goes that way. A lot! So I just keep to myself. That way I can just avoid all of it.

So I just go silent and stay away. But all of that makes me severely in a state of panic.

I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that. I am purposely avoiding – because no!!

And do not ruin my peace with that!!

Where else can I escape to?

It never stops.

So. I just have overwhelming panic that’s all. It will be fine.

I usually ignore all of it and just survive. I do not care if people who don’t know me want to judge me not even knowing me. Go ahead.

I am not going to constantly fight and defend everything – I am tired – you believe what you want

I just wanna be left alone. ☹️💔 but not really – but yes . I prefer it that way. I am safe like that – otherwise I panic.

I don’t want to have to hide away, but I have to. It’s just safer.

Anyway. Nothing he says is true, but whatever – believe what you want

Let me end on a better note so I can try to switch thoughts …

My daughter ❤️ … she is very anti Disney … she hates Disney 🙄 … it is only that way because Disney discontinued a game she loved years ago. Lol

But ever since that betrayal from Disney – she doesn’t like them… and she is a tough critic lol

She calls them a cash cow because they just charge so much and take in the money not caring about families – she’s a little activist on that lol

Anyway… some other neighbor for Christmas gave her a Mickey blanket not knowing this little girl hates Disney lol. 😮🙄😄… because typically what little girl doesn’t like Disney? … “mine” lol

So I went to cover her with her Mickey blanket – and she made a face and said something about not liking the Mickey blanket lol

So do you remember this song?

youtube.com/watch

I sang a section of that song as I walked out lol… I may have also wiggled lol 😄❤️😘

But I have to say – I totally love the eye rolls and faces from these such things 😄❤️❤️

So anyway. I just write stuff to not hold on to it – or help me get through it, or help me figure out or see?

I feel overwhelmed and what can I do? Not really anything .

I am always at his mercy

I be back to read tmrw.

Gnite ✌️

Ps I like WordPress because I can speak sometimes when I really need to.

18 thoughts on “Overwhelmed

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  1. Geez, I don’t know what to say except what an effin week. Sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed. I appreciate it is hard to see light but one day I pray you bathe in light and love and hope.
    The way that burger conversation was headed was definitely a yuckky thing 😦
    And who would have thought of renting a toilet roll holder??? Just the weirdest icing on top of a strange week. But ya got through it! 😉 Stay well!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It will be ok – I always get through it.

      And regardless I still try really hard.

      Yeah and that burger conversation – those sort of things make me wanna stay away from everyone.

      That is why I keep to myself so drastically

      Lol … re: the rentals 😄 … it was most ridiculous thing ever. I had no idea you could even do that. They used to have a service that would even come and fill for them! Lol (but they haven’t had them filling it for them since I have been there – has only been the rentals) … And then cancelling that was difficult also 🤨

      But it’s done and they gone and I have installed nice new ones that I bought … they look and do perfectly 🙌❤️ … and I won’t have bills every month for that!

      I can’t believe the things people do?

      Renting bathroom fixtures lol – that is just so ridiculous!

      But that is done and handled now ❤️ (only one bathroom needs a paper towel holder)

      There is a fricken urinal bathroom that I hate 😝

      But the pipes that come from the urinal hinder my placement of the paper towel holder – so I have to figure out the urinal one – 😝😝😝 of course it is THAT one that needs extra attention

      But that is only thing and for now, I just have a roll there. I just have to figure dimensions and then see what products match my specs lol

      🤨 urinals … it’s only one – but I do not like it lol – ugh that bathroom! 🤦‍♀️

      Ps the things people pay for 😮☹️ weird

      Thank you as always ❤️ hope you stay well too… how are the vaccinations going where you are? Are they faster now?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Some day will be harder than others but, you know that 😉 Your positive and fighting spirit will help you through! 🙂 🙂

        Agreed, just a weird thing to do! Bet he would not have said it all if his wife was there haha.

        I can maybe understand a huge corporation of big office building have a facilities contract but for you guys, I would have though it cost more in admin costs than nipping to Target and buying a jumbo pack out of petty cash haha
        Ewwh, careful where you place the toilet roll as anywhere near a urinal is just inviting splashback ewwh 😦

        You still thinking of painting there too?

        Thanks, all ok here and maybe July is being touted for the jab! July ffs 😦

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes. I am strong. Just tired. I am just silent and keep to myself. OR TRY TO 😏

        No …of course not, he even said … don’t tell her I said this … he loves her – but I think she is heavy to him currently. He didn’t take the time to know her and what her baggage was.

        He is a sweet good hearted man ?? Generally ?? …so I did not expect ? But I do see how the situation is

        He said a lot of things before I could get out of there 😮 and yeah he has a lot on his plate 😮 I think their marriage was fast? I am not sure how many years?

        But I am not the one to turn to… I am a woman ..and a neighbor ..and no way… nope sorry.

        I do think he loves her – I think he is also tired in life … but nope… I am sorry … I can not help him. Not the one to confide in – please do not involve me.

        So you see?

        He will have to find a man friend or something.

        Hahaha painting – the office … the 3 year olds bedroom/circus type colors office? 😄

        I asked my kids if they wanna come help me paint? But they wanna be paid lol 😄 I will see

        I want to. But I won’t be able to do very well because of my right side? I can not reach high or I do not have muscle strength there? I hurt there so. I would need help. That would be hard for just me.

        It’s not a top thing because is only the office cave lol – but does hurt your eyes and horrible colors for a funeral home!!!

        Well I’m glad they have an aim and it will be here before you know it 🙂 plus… I own July – it’s a pretty amazing month 😘😄✌️

        July radiates amazing doesn’t it ? 🙌 …hopefully people be careful there 🙏 you stay safe! Maybe they will end up speeding up?

        And … yes the urinal is away – is the piping – old building 🤨. I have covers and shields on everything … but I find that seriously disgusting yes – I would like it to be taken out. But that costs money so it stays for now. 😝

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Haha, they want paying! 😉 Gah, long gone are the days when they were small enough to want to help with everything haha.
        I think maybe you ask corporate for a budget and you have team-building session with your crew – a paint and pie party 😉
        Enjoy your weekend and stay well, stay smiling! 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      4. lol … nothing in life is free 🙄

        I used to love helping my grandparents ❤️ but they did always slip me money ?? lol 🤷‍♀️

        I still woulda helped them – I always tried not to take the money – but then they used to hide it somewhere in my things so I wouldn’t find it until I got home

        I think the painting would be fun 🙌 I excitedly suggest that paint party sometimes – we see 🙏

        Thank you ❤️✌️ you too

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Sorry about the neighbor. I hope he, like me, is just a TMI person and you appeared while he was already thinking about those things. Ya know, it’s perfectly appropriate to say that a convo makes you uncomfortable. Or a quick, “duude… TMI!”

    To answer him: Quite well and quite easily, ya damn fool!! ps: the vast majority of you aren’t good. Hell, the vast majority of you barely know we’re there!

    Your kids are old enough to know reality. I understand them not wanting to be in the middle but they already are. Always biting your tongue, in your own home, is too much to expect of yourself! I totally understand why you do it. But I think you should think about your own needs more. I would probably leave the papers in some place where I know at least 1 kid would be likely to start reading.

    Did you get things straightened out with your lawyer? No wonder you’ve been in such a state! You bonded, you trusted, and then you find out he believed the rumors!! That devastating. And disgusting. And HORRIBLE!! I’m so sorry!

    I hope things start improving immediately!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. He is friendly. Yeah I am calm and quiet so I just listen. I have a peace about me that people always tell me everything – or maybe people just do that?? It has always been that way. So maybe?

      Yes … I find peace just all by myself – no fear, no drama, no hurt … no issues.

      Yeah finding good is hard.

      They wouldn’t read. Only if I show them. Maybe ?

      Yeah 💔💔

      It will be fine. I am always fine. I am strong.

      Thank you ❤️

      Like

      1. I stay away from it

        It could be worse so. I just stay away from everything best I can

        Which is fine with me because I only keep people I can handle – some I can not handle – I keep my life severely peaceful

        Like

      2. I chatter to release my thoughts. It SUCKS that I can no longer do so with any coworkers, cause no one else knows the players. But maybe that part of what I’m supposed to learn from this.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You have to be very careful sometimes in work environments or obviously any – take your time to know who they are

        You will see who someone is. We find you something better or hopefully gets better

        Like

      4. Thanks. I wasn’t dumb enough to trust anyone at current job but it’s still sad to see how truly bad the backstabbing is engrained… meaning it’s rewarded.

        Cray, in an attempt to build support for her app for a new mgr position both backstabbed someone (by letting me see their written attempt to backstab me) and exposed her deepest fears. She failed her goals..
        I fully agree with my backstabber’s comments and would never support her power grab. I doubt anyone will even ask my opinion but if they do, I’ll refuse to give one

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Oh wow! She showed you someone tried to backstab? Be careful of them both, obviously you know this

        Jobs do sometimes create that toxic environment

        Like

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