It was Friday 🙌❤️
I just always love Friday, anyway.
Work went well. I am chugging right along on that. 🙏 I do have many things happening … I have Fire doing another inspection to check out my work 🤨🙄 which is flawless ✌️
And I have services happening now, I just had the bathroom fixtures removed and replaced (they were renting the most ridiculous things! Toilet paper holders, soap dispensers and paper towel dispensers) so nope… I bought new – they took out this morning with hardly any damage ❤️🙌
And I had them installed today 🙌❤️ ahhhhh no more bill 🙌
So that is really awesome!! 👏
And I handled office manager for 2 locations for one week
I do love being with my funeral people very very much ❤️ all of them are just amazing 🙌 … they are so funny ❤️
And it’s like being with 8 different people very similar to me in certain ways lol ❤️ they are all pretty amazing – we all fit really amazing together ❤️ I have an amazing team ❤️
Then kids came. We watched YouTube videos – some that my oldest made and then some of other people playing video games lol …
I don’t really connect – when I went silent – I walked away from the world.
I stopped social media and all contact – no news nothing… came to country and went quiet. Stay to self. I like that. Is peaceful.
But I only like to watch THEM actually play – not other people playing things on a video lol
Then they showed me the most horrifying thing ever… you can not unsee this… so watch with your own discretion 😮
😮😮😮 see!!! Terrifying 😮
Anyway… I felt like I wanted to show them what their father says, he wrote it to the court all the lies – they would know it was untrue and they would know what he does… they would see. They know the truth.
But I don’t say anything. They don’t want to hear anything anyway – they don’t want to be in “middle”. So I just feel silent. I want to say things – but I just don’t.
So that is hard. They don’t know what he does, and I can’t say.
My marriage was abusive. He was very jealous and I am pretty so that was always a huge huge issue…
He was also heavy drinker. I was not aware because he worked all day, and then he was in a band at night … so he was gone a lot …
He was extremely abusive in all ways… so i just tried to shield kids from that with comedy and laughter. I spent all my time with them… and I loved being a mom ❤️ they were miracles to me ❤️
When they looked back – I wanted them to remember laughing and having fun with me… not that.
But … I was quiet … just kinda kept to self – didn’t have anyone come too close, because the situation was abusive … you hide that from people.
So… no one knew me. I was friendly and just quietly – always very polite and nice. I am pretty though
He has always always always been brutally hurtful…
So I didn’t know, but while I was raising the kids he was telling people I was this horrible person… and then that gave them the sympathy to let him have affairs all over?
Made himself look like this poor soul.
I had no idea until one day some friends got to know me a little and were shocked that I was nothing like what he said.
He was telling them I was the one cheating – I was always with the kids!!! Not one minute without!!
He said I was this raging crazy person – I am quiet and also silent and even then I wasn’t going to speak up and get hurt if I could diffuse the situation.
Plus… I am smaller than him.
He said many horrible things about me so that … now he again plays the victim saying I was the abuser, I was the drug addict, I was the alcoholic
He also says to everyone – that I am this slut who sleeps with everyone
Ok well… I am pretty, and I have these fake breasts … so he just makes sure people will judge me.
So I removed myself from entire situation.
In my marriage – getting hit on was such a problem – I just removed that issue… I didn’t go out.
And then here – he has just been so brutal through everything – I am exhausted and overwhelmed. Through everything he has been brutal!! Insanely brutal!!
I can’t even function in the same room as him – I can not breathe at all
And … after my last cancer surgery… I went silent from everyone and everything and went to country to be left alone. I needed the peace
Well he still says that. And he shares photos with people we had 😢💔 and still claims that. He makes me out to be a very bad person.
The more it shuts me down – the more he does it. But I can not, because it completely panics me. And remember I am hit on constantly!!
If I was anything that he says I was or am – I could not have stayed so strong and survived. How do you do that to a human being who is the mother of your children?
In court last Friday, my lawyer said to me after being with them… well you did have affairs and sleep with people 😮
What?? I did not… I can prove everything and have character witnesses everything…
And he is supposed to be MY lawyer – I put my faith there – so that kinda threw me over the edge a little. And then he was rushing me for lunch
That made me feel sick- and I feel like I want to withdraw intensely.
So … I am always working – because he has made me struggle through everything – he wants to crush me and make sure people judge me.
You want to judge me then go ahead. Believe what you want to believe.
It is very hard to think of things without feeling sick 🤢
So I just keep to myself. I find it more peaceful. But I can’t not stop having panic now – I am having some issues
So yeah – how would you not want to go silent and get away?
I just want to be left alone. And then that makes me cry 😢💔
So … just heavy but that’s ok – I am used to it.
So anyway – there is also all that going on … I just stay quiet – I go to work, do my thing… come home and repeat. I don’t really have people in my life – except my coworkers… and I have a handful of friends I keep close. Because either they are loyal or I have known them forever (but they are also loyal lol)
I just keep a very tight inner circle.
So with my coworkers and my close friends – I smile and laugh and love life ❤️🙌 they are supportive and caring and amazing to be around ❤️
I stay out in the country and I keep a low profile. I don’t talk to anyone and I try to keep to self. I am polite and friendly but will also be elusive and distanced
I stay far away from any situations or I try to – but they always happen!! Always!!
Country boy I just feel like – I don’t know? He is kind and gentle but I still feel panic
I do not know.
And then I had an uncomfortable situation earlier in week.
So my neighbors… or one set of them… the wife suffers from depression, and things?
She doesn’t work. And she is going through menopause
She is nice, but has some issues (but don’t we all?) I don’t know them all too well. I am friendly and we have BBQ’d before.
They are nice
She is away for a couple weeks in another state far away.
One night when I came home from work maybe Tuesday? He was out and asked if I wanted a burger – he had extras.
I guess so?? It was nice to offer so I said ok.
We had burgers outside and chatted… at first was normal neighborly chit chat… then he asked me questions like would I ever marry again?
And then he said he loves her but wishes they hadn’t married 😮
Ok there are things – that people don’t need to tell me. That was one of those things
He started talking about money – which makes me highly uncomfortable…
And then he asked me.. 😮😮😮 he asked me “how does a woman go without sex” 😮😮
I was stunned …what????
What am I supposed to say to that!! I didn’t actually answer – I just shrugged… I can’t answer that to someone I do not know well – that is overly personal – and I am a woman and that was not appropriate – he does not know me well enough to say anything like that!
I get sometimes people need to vent – but that made me HIGHLY uncomfortable!!
I finished my burger and said I have to work early in morning – which wasn’t a lie… and I left.
I am quiet and reserved and keep to myself even with them next door. I am extremely silent.
So ya know… pretty… sometimes it’s a curse and then you add boobs and it’s awful!! It’s constant always all the time! And no matter how hard I try to get away from it – it doesn’t go away.
And you think – no… not everyone that way… but then I don’t expect and it goes that way. A lot! So I just keep to myself. That way I can just avoid all of it.
So I just go silent and stay away. But all of that makes me severely in a state of panic.
I haven’t seen or spoken to him since that. I am purposely avoiding – because no!!
And do not ruin my peace with that!!
Where else can I escape to?
It never stops.
So. I just have overwhelming panic that’s all. It will be fine.
I usually ignore all of it and just survive. I do not care if people who don’t know me want to judge me not even knowing me. Go ahead.
I am not going to constantly fight and defend everything – I am tired – you believe what you want
I just wanna be left alone. ☹️💔 but not really – but yes . I prefer it that way. I am safe like that – otherwise I panic.
I don’t want to have to hide away, but I have to. It’s just safer.
Anyway. Nothing he says is true, but whatever – believe what you want
Let me end on a better note so I can try to switch thoughts …
My daughter ❤️ … she is very anti Disney … she hates Disney 🙄 … it is only that way because Disney discontinued a game she loved years ago. Lol
But ever since that betrayal from Disney – she doesn’t like them… and she is a tough critic lol
She calls them a cash cow because they just charge so much and take in the money not caring about families – she’s a little activist on that lol
Anyway… some other neighbor for Christmas gave her a Mickey blanket not knowing this little girl hates Disney lol. 😮🙄😄… because typically what little girl doesn’t like Disney? … “mine” lol
So I went to cover her with her Mickey blanket – and she made a face and said something about not liking the Mickey blanket lol
So do you remember this song?
I sang a section of that song as I walked out lol… I may have also wiggled lol 😄❤️😘
But I have to say – I totally love the eye rolls and faces from these such things 😄❤️❤️
So anyway. I just write stuff to not hold on to it – or help me get through it, or help me figure out or see?
I feel overwhelmed and what can I do? Not really anything .
I am always at his mercy
I be back to read tmrw.
Ps I like WordPress because I can speak sometimes when I really need to.