Not as planned

Well nothing went as planned this weekend.

It started out normal, with Friday – work was good but I had some issues with the building.

I had to have maintenence come and break a lock on some door that was locked and I could hear dripping – I have never seen behind that door.. and no one knew where key was

Omg well we busted into the room and is the hot water heater which is leaking and now I have this huge issue going on which I don’t want to get into because it’s really long and dumb 🤨

Also… I do not like the way they handle outsourcing work or how they get people 🤨

I was told this was replaced one year ago… ok so someone does shotty work and they have them come back?? The Warranty expired already… why have him come back

So I have to use this guy this time – but that’s it – any other issues of this kind… I will find the appropriate and hard worker who will do the job right the first time. Or at the very least be proud of his/her work.

Failing after one year and that’s only because I heard that drip – no one told me any of this until I discovered that door!!

Anyway like I said is a really long frustrating dumb story. 🤨 but ok… office manager stuff

It’s funny when I meet office managers … umm they all have this quality about them? Lol… I can’t explain it?? There is something familiar about all of them lol

Anyway then it was Friday night and the kids came. All of us were really tired… so we just relaxed together and watched videos ❤️ we be lazy ❤️

This was my favorite video:


Then the boys left and my daughter went on computer. I came here to write the post… and then a text came…

Before I tell you about all the stuff going on… first let me say, I get little overwhelmed with certain things … I can usually handle and it’s fine – I’m used to it… but it can get out of hand and since I like to be slow and I don’t really know what I’m doing or anything so… if too much starts happening then it does overwhelm me a little bit.

Especially if it is something I am not familiar with much and I find it heavier than most

Alright well anyway… a text came from a friend who has been supportive and really kind, human compassionate

So… I’m chatting with him and we catching up… and he say…

Would you like to socially distance at a park and get take out? Lol 😄😄😮

Ok first of all… that was funny because of the time period 😄 that made me laugh (that is what you want – that was good lol) there is your lead in… catch her off guard with humor

But I was stunned ?? I did not see that coming at all… but I am really naive with catching clues or anything on that. I am blind unless you are direct lol

And then they are direct and then I have to handle that too

Not that it’s bad… it’s not bad…

But that work guy wants to know me… and then there is this one… but there is another one too!!!!!!!!!!

I do nothing to make this happen!!!!!! I try to hide away, and the more I run from it the more it happens

And why do I run from it? Because I have residual fear of a few things … but I think with right person that wouldn’t be an issue because I would be at ease in first place … but I just don’t look for it just yet

And then also… just humor me for one minute ok?

Alright… so if I dated – what if I … I don’t even know how to say this? It’s gonna sound dumb and I contradict myself clearly!

On one hand I want something? And I do want that. But then at the same time – I want it to just become lol

And it feels weird to think of having relationships that close with someone.

… how do I know who is right? I need time… and then I actually have to FIND what is right!! Or at least what I love and fit with … you have to find that – that takes time. Doesn’t it?

I like time – life does not like to give me time 🤨

But here’s the thing … I am not stable yet… I need my emotions for that. And I pour my time into building myself so what time would I even have for a relationship ? And I severely have a full plate at this moment

And then what if I miss amazing ? But the timing also has to be right.

You know when things are right when all the timing and everything lines up ❤️

I have work I am handling, and then my divorce is coming and that is going to take everything out of me… and then my mom, my girlfriend, her mom other things, being a mom, my plate is too full. Anymore and I will spill.

And I feel like to be in a relationship is emotional and for me, it will be so… I am not ready – I am overwhelmed by that, little bit. But I will get through it eventually… just handling a lot at moment that’s all.

So. I just went to bed after that and figured I would finish my post in the morning. I was quiet and just tired.

I woke up in the morning and daughter wanted big breakfast so I did that… 🍳 …

Then I wanted to do something for my girlfriend who is sick- since I can’t be there for her and I can’t help her… I can still comfort and make smile and feel loved ❤️… so …

I put together some stuff online in a care package 📦 … of things I know will help her… like a pillow and blanket (in her favorite colors) and then warm socks 🧦 , I put in some medical things that would help too, thing I know help when you going through chemo. She doesn’t need them yet – she hasn’t started… but just to have in hand. Dry mouth wash and things like that. So I put that together and she doesn’t know… I just did that this morning so she hasn’t received or know yet.

…and then my phone rang … it was my girlfriend!!!! … the same one I was sending that too!!

The little German Lady, I take care of once in awhile (dropping off supplies) is her mother …

She is sick 😳😮… she has Covid.

So ok.

I have to drop off supplies when she needs something. I pull up, run up – put down leave and then call lol … if I call before she will open the door – I do not want her opening the door before I leave.

She’s not doing well, she is elderly – all by herself… she has a raging fever… having a hard time breathing … she went in on Friday to be tested for covid

She started feeling sick on Thursday … I have not seen or been around her at all

But she would have been exposed to covid on Sunday morning… so incubated Monday – Tuesday – Wednesday … and showed up on Thursday… took few days to infect the system 😮 … and there is your spread

I asked my girlfriend… if it doesn’t go well – are you prepared emotionally? (Because she just got news she has cancer!!) she said no … but ya know it’s a possibility. I don’t know how strong the woman is?

Although her personality is a feisty little hard ass German woman lol – she is adorable ❤️❤️❤️ I am delighted by her , but my friend says that is because she is not MY mother lol

She doesn’t listen to her daughter and that frustrates my friend, who is the daughter lol

So… her mum has covid and isn’t doing well. I worry. So I bring supplies and I will do as she needs

And then the day is getting away from me at this point and then girlfriend calls me back.

And then the flood gates opened 😮… and so I spent the rest of my time talking and comforting her, listening… and then since I have had cancer I can share little things … my experiences different because mine was breast cancer. Hers is leukemia and this other one related to Hodgkins – brought on by the leukemia

Well anyway… we cried… and then you know went through the stages where you cry, you suck it up, you realize reality, and then you cherish what you can while you can ♥️

We talked and stuff for hours… and she was sharing stories about her life ♥️

That is hard to be faced with 😢💔

Not only was I given the experience to know the fear … but I survived and get to watch everyone be taken away from me 😢💔

I am not very happy with life in that aspect at this moment. That is an area I have zero control over

And it’s all the ones I love with all my heart 💔 where my heart is all entangled so then when I lose, it bleeds badly 💔 I hate that!!

And it’s taking my inner circle 😢💔

Which is fine – that’s life … and I’m probably meant to start a new life or something – but it just hurts a lot – and I try not to let it but life keeps taking my people 💔

And then I will have no inner circle and no family 😢💔 I will be just by myself 😮

I have my kids ❤️ but they will grow and do their own things eventually – I cherish my time with them because I know it won’t be forever

So I have an era ending ☹️💔 I am losing all my people – very painfully

Alright so the 2020’s are going to be flipping the world upside down, ok got it 👌

Ok decade of change. Ok

I will be taking many deep breaths 😳😮🙏🙏🙏

And then I have to write something for court. It makes my stomach turn because I have to remember all of it… so it makes me feel sick

But that’s fine – I have to do so… suck it up … I am just exhausted from it? So I do have to do that today.

I am almost done and free … almost ❤️

So anyway… just a lot of things happening when all I want is peace – I don’t have that right now 😮 💔

But that’s alright – it is a moment… you have to weather the storm before you can have the rainbow right?

Mine has been a fricken category 5 hurricane for while now… so I would like my rainbow 🌈 to be really vibrant and incredible please 🙏

Ok I need to work on the court paper. I probably won’t post again, I feel quiet, but I be back to read – or I do plan to

Depends where I am after this court paper.

I feel beat up 🤕

14 thoughts on “Not as planned

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    1. I have decided I don’t want to do my court stuff right now. I will do later. I want to procrastinate with it because I don’t want to deal lol ✌️😘 but at least I know that

      And I will get it done… I am used to deadlines – ugh 🤦‍♀️

      Yeah that can wait ✌️ I need to destress lol too much stuff!!

      Liked by 1 person

  1. First, you’re allowed to change your mind at ANY time. Going for a socially distanced picnic is NOT a committment to marry. Stop getting ahead of yourself. Enjoy life a little!!

    I’m very sorry for your friend – what a suck ass double whammy!! It was nice that you were there for here.

    I lost literally my entire social circle to AIDS in the 90s. All of it. As I predicted early on, I watched it take people closer and closer to my heart till it finally took the person I loved the most. And these were all guys in their 20s and 30s. My life changed dramatically. It was a looong time before I could love people, even as friends again. Somehow I survived and accepted that there are still other things to do in my life. You will too. But, man, it SUCKS!!

    The positive was that, like you, I can now be very frank talking about death. None of the mamby pamby religious stuff. I can cry and laugh I can discuss fears and wishes and help people make plans.

    So… I don’t know what my point was but you’re good to help people and you’re a survivor.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Well that is true. I did not think of it that easy way 😄✌️

      Yeah it sucks very much 💔I have to have life without them. Which I get is life – but it hurts a lot. My heart breaks all the time 💔 I would like that to stop happening

      I do know what the reality is…. but the emotion runs deeply with it too.

      And yes I am a survivor ❤️… and I want to help others survive – I want to have people to survive with!!!!

      I am sensitive with such finality losing my people 💔 I can only imagine how life rocking that would have been for you too ☹️💔

      I know we more forward, but it’s all happening before me right now 😢💔 totally sucks while going through it – sooooo painful!!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Well I work with death too so I’ve gotten myself surrounded by it. And then I am losing everyone close to me and then I am struggling with worry about people close to me dying.

        So yeah I could understand that… my heart feels broken and bleeding

        I think – am I ok with my heart breaking like this? I don’t really have a choice … and it was worth it to have them all in my life so I would take the pain again to have them all over again.

        So I guess if I am willing to have that pain again because they are worth it… then I guess I can’t really cut off into my own shell? I just have to find others who be worth it.

        It’s just hard because I want my people. I am afraid to lose all of them. ☹️💔 … or to watch them have to experience what they are going to.

        And then I try to think ok … then do I have a lesson I have to learn? Cause why take everyone away?

        It just hurts so I am very sad with it. 😢💔

        It’s fine, it’s life, I have no choice … thank you for sharing with me, is comforting ❤️


      2. Yes it is unavoidable. I am effected most with people … but I also love animals ❤️ animals give a gentle peace

        But then losing them is just as hard too!!!


    1. That’s alright. It is how life goes. You handle what comes at you.

      I just have heavy emotions. It’s very hard.

      I cry… but I also have to be strong… I have to be strong for her… because she was for me… although I am the softer one

      But it is not me about to go through what she is, and deal with what she faces…

      So I can be strong for her ❤️ … I needed strength when I went through it – so I will do that for her ❤️

      For me on the other hand – I just wanna cry 💔 I don’t want to keep losing people!! I am tired of that!! My heart needs a break from that!! Kinda seriously

      Thank you 💋❤️

      Liked by 1 person

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