Dating and stuff

I had the funniest conversation with a coworker today about dating!

So I just said… I do not have the time… where is the time for that? I’m just too busy.

That also helps me avoid for the time being 😘🤫

And they said … exactly!! Because when dating you have to start all over again and learn all about people blah blah blah

What’s your favorite color? Do you want this or that? I dunno what they ask?

Which is true… what a pain in the butt …

So I said … I wish I could just order what I want? And have it just be? Can I just have that?

I just don’t want to date casual and I don’t have time for stuff… and it’s covid… what are you gonna do??

So can I just skip the awful dating things… and anything else … and I am busy so… I am exhausted after work… and weekends I have to handle my own things.

I could make time… maybe. But he would have to be incredible for that.

Yeah there is a high bar – good luck

And then… not that it’s anything… because I do think it’s beautiful… I love my breasts … however …

They are not normal – again they are beautiful… but I am missing things and also I have a lot of scars… which is totally fine. It’s just different. Beautiful, but different. I will have to warn – cause I don’t want to see a look of shock ok ? It will make me cry.

And that’s another thing… I don’t want to tell tons of people about my story… or about me…

My actual story is similar to cancer … in the way that when you hear what happened – there is a look people give … they do the same look when I say I have had breast cancer.

I am very perceptive to how you react with my things.

So anyway… it’s not the breasts – but I will have to warn someone. Ugh 🤦‍♀️

They aren’t horrible – just the scars are scary looking. It just initially looks shocking because of the scars but it still not bad… it’s just a thing ✌️

Otherwise they look amazing ❤️ they are nice and round and stay out with or without a bra. They feel fake to me but whatever – they are. They are Silicone. It’s like jelly… so juggles and stuff… it’s when you touch them they aren’t as soft and smushie as regular breasts… they are smooshie but dense so I am pretty sure you can tell?

I think I have a photo from after surgery?

Nope nevermind – not sharing that. ✌️ way too “😮”

If they were smooth without any scars … I would be exactly like Barbie lol … sort of anatomically correct lol – I am missing things ✌️

So just that’s why I feel I need to warn … That emotion is heavy so that’s hard.

It’s only the emotions on that. Otherwise I have an extremely healthy body image. Lol …

The scars relate to my cancer and those were devastating moments so that’s just really hard to let someone come into.

I don’t want to remember such horrific memories or have someone feel bad for me with that.

I just want to enjoy life.

Anyway… was a funny convo… because if I could just order, and skip all the uncomfortable stuff – that would be really nice. Lol

Work went good… I am doing ok so far … if I am still alive by December 31st – I have done good.

And our boards are completely full!!! There is a lot!

It’s so sad, but also life… just heartbreaking

On my ride home today I was thinking … will I take death better with my mom? I am still not sure how I will take that.

I want to think I will be better with death? But I do not know.

Because that’s my mom ❤️ and I had an amazing mom ❤️ I just want to have her forever. My entire life was with her.

She gave me an amazing life – full of laughter and love ❤️ I loved a full life with her.

But I guess it kills me a little to watch her life go away. 💔 it’s mercy… but at the same time a slower heart bleed.

I just remember our lives so full of life… and then to see how ends. Is just sad.

I know it’s life… I just love my mom. ❤️

If there was a song that reminded me of my mom… 🤔… it would be this:


12 thoughts on “Dating and stuff

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  1. Blue Velvet. Why? She wore it?

    I predict that your job won’t have much impact on how you react when your mother passes because your job deals with the vessel, not the person. I think nothing but a strong belief in heaven and life-after-death an have any impact on the grief of losing someone you love. But that’s me… and I don’t have those beliefs.

    Isn’t eHarmony supposed to be really good about “made to order” matches? They don’t do all the work but they prescreen a lot, and you can screen further before deciding someone is worth meeting in person. I normally wouldn’t suggest a svc like that but it seems like a reasonable option if you want to explore your options. And ypu could also discuss your cancer and scars without seeing a pity face looking back at you. I took the zillion question quiz waaay back when and found it pretty accurately assessed my personality and the type of guy I’d want to be with. But I did it for fun… I had no interest in dating and never took it further.

    Side note: One of todays monologues by Crazy Coworker was about cancer wards being “the happiest place you’ll ever go.” Wish you coulda been on the call!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Blue Velvet reminds me of her because she always loved that song… and for the longest time their bedspread was blue velvet

      They also loved Elvis and there was just a lot of velvet stuff lol our living room has a red and black velvet couch … the couch was red velvet … with black velvet flowers on it. I will post pic at some point and show you lol – maybe later – not right now

      But Blue Velvet was a song she just always loved ❤️

      Yeah my mom is very close and personal to me… which does make huge difference.

      I worry I will be devastated like when my dad died? I was never scared he would ever die… so many times we almost lost him… and they always saved him ❤️

      Except that one time… there was nothing they could do. You have no say. And then he was gone 😮 so that was devastating

      And with her… I just worry for it. I come to terms best I can, understand that it is life, there is nothing I can do, her time will come.

      But then it’s my mom… so that will make my heart bleed I think? No matter how prepared I think I am??

      Oh yeah… I don’t want to do dating sites… they are just awkward to me. I like it better in person… or just to have something develop

      I don’t want anything forced and I am not in any rush.

      I am really not absolutely ready yet


  2. I enjoyed your conversation. Let me tell you something, even a princess has insecurities. Funny thing is that we are the ones who see it, other people don’t even care. Everyone is too busy thinking about their life.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. It’s always better to get it all out there, no surprises! My friend is dating a girl who has scars on her breasts (I don’t know from what). She hates them, but he thinks she’s beautiful, scars and all. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. It is beautiful to me. I don’t mind. For me.

        Because of how tightly the emotions are tied to it.. it’s just really personal to me. I don’t want just anyone for all that

        And it’s ok.. to look at – they look good … it’s not what matters. I am alive. So I am so very thankful and blessed ❤️

        I am just really private and cautious. Very slow… it is heavy to me but totally fine.

        It is beautiful … I will try to find a photo that is not bad to show? It is very beautiful … it is not that

        It’s more so that those scars are tied to that cancer and so are those breasts so it’s just a mind fuck thing? Makes it really personal to me??

        And those emotions with it are still really raw.

        Liked by 1 person

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