Who I am

You may have heard many of these stories before but whatever ✌️ they lead to something …

When I was little … I was a REALLY quiet shy child. Kind of clung to my mother ❤️ I was very quiet and mostly only wanted her (unless my grandparents were around, cause I got anything I wanted with them ❤️ I was their golden child) They were very awesome and very good to me!! I had the best time with them… they spent so much time with me… I was not shy or quiet with them. ❤️ I was like their little puppy dog lol… I wanted to be by their side all the time.

But generally we lived far away always, and we were always moving… new places constantly… my dad was a electrical engineer big wig for a major company and every time a plant was opened we moved to that city where ever it was.

I always have to explain – no I am not military lol – that’s the first thing people say when I mention how often I moved

In elementary, I was quiet and sensitive… I didn’t like being without my family – I wasn’t comfortable in school really… we moved so much and I was always the new girl… so I was shy…

In kindergarten – there was one girl who terrorized me… she kept trying to pinch me and would pin me outside – I still remember her name

The school called my parents cause I would hide in the parking lot… my parents came in for a meeting with the principal … the girl terrorizing me had issues at home… she was taking them out on me… so the school kept us separate and my mother would walk me in.

That was really my only bullying experience…

The rest of the time in elementary – I was shy. Quiet. Well behaved … I am catholic and my dad was an important person so I was always poised. Seen not heard and always looked nice.

The kids were good to me, sometimes if my grandparents were visiting and I had to go to school – I would cry at school… the kids would kinda take me under their wings and they were really nice kids.

By junior high – I thought I was hot shit lol… I was still shy… but at age 11 boys started coming around. My dad did not like that one bit. I was not allowed to talk to them and they were not allowed to call me… although before their voices changed he couldn’t tell lol

Teachers loved me, and the kids did too – I was not a teachers pet – just friendly to everyone- we moved a lot… I was still shy and kinda quiet but opening up. I was goofy silly funny.

Also very clumsy… I broke my arm in PE in middle school playing soccer lol… the grass was wet, I went to kick the ball and both feet came out from under me lol… I landed weird on my arm… I had 2 casts… the first one everyone signed… then I wasn’t healed yet so they put another on… everyone signed it again… I still have them ❤️

Not sure what made me think gymnastics would be a good idea lol… but I did that too… I had a accident there too lol… I ran jumped on the vault to do some flips in the air – which went fine… I had a spotter … I landed on the mat… the spotter stepped away right away and the mat flew out and I landed on the concrete… broke my leg that time lol… everyone helped me, again very kind… they would carry my books and stuff… I got special treatment ❤️ lol

By high school … I was no longer shy… I was also pretty, and my parents were rich … so even with moving … the boys wanted to know who the new girl was … and the girls wanted to know who I was too. Soon I knew everyone in every school… I had 3 high schools. Each very different … one in Florida – one in California and another in Massachusetts

I got in the most trouble in California lol… the weather was amazing … I knew everyone – I was a social butterfly 🦋 people would listen to anything I said.

My dad hated it because older boys started calling to ask me to the movies or whatever – I still was not allowed

Once I slyly dated an older boy who had a motorcycle… lol… my mother said to me… you are not allowed on that bike, do you hear me? Yeah yeah 😄

He would wait down the block and I would hop on lol… but one day I accidentally put my foot on the exhaust and it unknowingly burnt the bottom of my shoe lol … busted lol

My mother said … did you get on that bike?

What? Why would you ask that? Lol

And all she had to do was hold up that shoe lol then I heard my FULL name lol … she was good with me always though… lol we talked and I did promise not to do again and I didn’t.

I was popular … at all schools… new girl thing and plus I was not shy anymore and I’ve always been bubbly and friendly with everyone… protective of those who were picked on. Kinda took them under my wing, like the little kids did for me years before.

I didn’t really have a particular click… but the crowd I hung with were exciting! We used to do crazy things …

Like jump off roofs into pools, sneak into hotel pools, just stupid stuff where you could feel alive. I loved the thrill.

Then we got into drag racing… I crashed and it was a big deal… I was totally fine… but the car was not and neither were my parents lol- I got brought home in a police car lol omg … I was 15 and not licensed lol 😮

I think back and I can’t believe I pulled shit like that!! Who was I? I was not thinking

Well boy were my parents mad!! I was in so much trouble. My dad was very disappointed – he was mortified the neighbors saw that… we lived in a affluential neighborhood

Then he got cancer… non-Hodgkin lymphoma … age 39.

So I stopped being a social butterfly, did whatever they needed or asked… kinda went quiet again… and focused on school.

I was a senior in high school when I met my ex. I was 17

We had moved to Massachusetts and I didn’t want to meet anyone … cause my dad was still going through cancer … and we had family close by… I just wanted to focus on school and get that done.

I was quiet in Massachusetts – I was afraid if I met people, I would feel that excitement again… I didn’t want that temptation – I had a focus = school and my dad.

I made 2 girlfriends … one of them helped me get a job at a deli…

I sliced my finger first day on the job… my boss swept me into his arms… was my finger – NOT my legs … but he carried me to the car and brought me to the ER… while there he asked me out to dinner while I am holding my finger together!!

I said no… he was 35!!

I had stitches and they reattached the tip of my finger omg… you can still “slightly” see where it was, was my left ring finger lol

That same girlfriend wanted me to come to a cookout with her one weekend … and that’s where I met my ex…

This might sound odd, but when I met him ?? There was a really quick wave of emotion or something? I can’t really describe it ?? It was really fast and I didn’t know if was good or bad – obviously bad. I should have paid more attention to that… but I didn’t

I had a stalker at the time I met him… so I was already nervous… this man… about 35… would hide in my bushes with gifts and flowers and jump out when I would come home from work or places at night

My ex put a stop to that, so I felt safe.

Then the marriage happened and ya know that sucked. That was hard. He drank a lot so it was rough. Always – never peaceful

I was quiet even with family – how could I tell them that?

I couldn’t have friends cause he would make it weird so I was just quiet and handled. Focused on raising the kids.

It was hard for them too… but I used comedy to make their lives awesome… I would distract them from bad stuff by making them laugh and have fun with me. I was a very engaged mother. Loved being a mom ❤️ they have always been my world. I love them unconditionally. Always ❤️

I got a volunteer position with my police to build myself… cause I had not worked. Then I got the golf course ❤️❤️❤️ I loved the golf course ❤️❤️

If you know the show “Cheers” from the 80’s … when I walked in at work… that’s how they said my name… just like norm ❤️❤️❤️

I was like a rockstar there lol… it was awesome!! I loved it there!! I felt myself come back to life… I was social and bubbly… loved being at work!!

My ex hated it… I had a life outside him now… and it was a job where I was hit on constantly… thats how that job is… nature of the beast… anyway those 2 things cause massive issues and my ex got more and more rage full. It was getting worse!! Really bad

It just got to the point I could not handle the abuse and his rage or drinking anymore … and then that woman showed up at my door… they had been seeing each other since I was pregnant with my daughter – he had other women too… so I was done. It got really bad – so I left.

I was catholic… I didn’t believe in divorce … I was taught you go through anything with your husband – you stand by your man… that was the bed I made… the life I took… the only way out without sin was adultery… so I stayed for over 20 years thinking that way and believing would be better someday. It only got worse and worse … until he freed me with his affairs – it was a punch to the gut… but it also freed me

That was November of 2016… then my dad died in 2017… also my grandfather … then my mother with Alzheimer’s … he was brutal through all of that!! Every single thing!!! Not once has he ever shown ANY compassion

Then I got diagnosed with breast cancer, right before that last surgery, my grandmother died … all the while he was brutally burying me in motions and making me do back flips in court. I did everything they wanted or asked

And he was brutal through cancer … when the courts told him to stop and case was on hold… he did until right before my last surgery… when he cancelled the insurance and signed up for another… didn’t tell me … I found out 4 days before surgery on 4th of July weekend …

One company had been handling my care through the cancer … and was about to do my last surgery… he canceled that one…

I had to beg and plead with the new company to pay for a surgery the old one was going to perform… and I had to get the old one handling my care from the beginning to allow this other company to pay for it… I worked my ass off for that… I won… they allowed it ❤️ I fought hard for that – in 4 days!!

And right up until the minute – I didn’t know I would have that surgery… I collapsed on that OR bed! With everything I was just exhausted

The minute I came out of surgery he started back up. You have heard all that part.

So I am quiet… I went silent… I still kinda fear him because he has always been so brutal with everything – I just lay low and don’t want to draw attention.

I am not shy… I am observant though… I will observe the situation before I dive in. I will watch people and how they are. I am cautious.

My personality is friendly and bubbly… I am always smiling, love laughing – always enjoy life… never take it for granted

With crowds … I can do them, and before Covid I even did public speaking… I am fearless in front on people or in certain situations like that… I am not self conscience – I am very confident.

I am not fond of crowds … and I like small groups or one on one best…

With large crowds … I always worry someone will go crazy or do something hurtful. I am just more mellow.

I have one girlfriend who is always trying to get me to date or to come out with her, but that’s just not my thing. I’ve never been a partier… and I was handling so much other stuff – I just didn’t date after the separation.

I’m not a drinker and that’s just going to get me hit on which happens all the time anyway – so why would I want to go out to a place that is sure to happen? Lol

I’m slower with the injury to the nerves on my right side from the surgery… and I have to be careful with that side.

Plus I’m tired from all the crazy happenings so I’m just quieter – still bubbly and friendly… laugh alot… just more mellow and maybe alot more cautious.

I always expect him to do something so I just lay low. I don’t want any problems

And even with crowds – before Covid… if I was the public speaker, it’s fine and I loved it!! I love commanding a crowd!! I can grab the attention of both kids and adults ❤️ I attribute that to moving so often?

But being IN the crowd not really my thing… I like space, peace that sort. Can be overwhelming

When I fly… obviously there are crowds … or were… I never had a problem with it but I would give myself little treats lol

I always map out where Dunkin’ Donuts is to where my gate is lol… then that was my focus (I am a New England’er… it’s always Dunkin! ❤️)

Theme parks … also always were crowded – those I would do no problem… kinda in the same way that if you are lactose intolerant – but really love something – you will go for it anyway lol

But even there – when getting food and stuff we always found a places away from everyone to eat.

I tend to avoid crowds… I have never been to a concert.

I can handle crowds… but I just don’t particularly like them

I just like it mellow. I have always liked it mellow… the only times of my life where it was not… was those moments when I was 15, and then the marriage with him was never mellow. Mainly why I want peace so much.

Anyway I can be quiet – but if I am comfortable … I am not. If I can let down my guard – then I’m good… but I am cautious and observant first.

I am extremely careful with who comes in my life. Or who I keep around me… I do have amazing people around me though… I definitely know what to look for now ✌️ I know when I am safe and when I am not.

Years of practice though lol

I always been more of a lone wolf… we always moved, and then in marriage he was not my teammate – he worked against not with…

He still does that… so I would say generally I am happy bubbly… but kinda still nervous with his shit. It’s not over yet – I have until March 2021 – then I be free ❤️ I think and hope 🙏 I stay kinda quiet because of him. So anyway that’s how I am. And why 😘✌️

When it’s over – I think I will still be careful? I’ll be more at ease… but still careful

I think I will feel free’er? Just more at ease – he makes me tense.

And once I am where I want to be… I don’t think I will fear him anymore? I am working on it. ✌️😘

I am fearless in certain things… but nervous in other areas…. when young I had my family… I don’t have them now. So just harder.

I’ve also had stalkers from time to time… so that has made me cautious too.

Before breast cancer… everyday after work there would be one red rose 🌹 on my car… no note nothing

For weeks – every day… one red rose 🌹 … I would have the guys I worked with walk me out to my car and I would park under where the security camera could see …

Then it stepped up… to a bouquet of red roses 💐… a dozen each day!! For weeks! Always a dozen roses- no note

That’s when I mentioned to my police… they had me change my routes everyday… and watch if I was followed… it was scary little bit… I had been through that so many times!!!

Then I stopped working because of the breast cancer and it stopped cause I didn’t go to work anymore …

I am cautious because of that too. Just careful. It’s a thing.

Right after I had the mastectomy done… I still had my tubes and everything – completely flat… ugh bleh… I just hate remembering that…

But I locked my keys in my car by accident lol (this is why I now have extra sets lol) I called triple A…

The tow truck driver came and shimmied my door open and got my keys for me… and then asked me out to dinner – tubes and all!!!

I said no, I told him I was a cancer patient and handling that right now. He was young

So anyway… I just am not and have never really been fond of crowds – I’m just careful with people in general.

I do miss my family though. Sucks without them.

6 thoughts on “Who I am

Add yours

  1. You just touched my heart through your journey till now. It is so rich with every thing, emotions, fun, idiosyncrasy. I just loved it. Probably this is the best piece from your feed. And you seriously have the good karma. May god bless you my friend.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you very much 🥰❤️ it’s definitely been a rollercoaster lol

      I have strength because of the wonderful people who came across my life… and I had a really good upbringing – a lot of love, and good morals. And then moving all over the place, that kinda had me learn how to adapt to things.

      That’s not to say there were not moments that my strength was tested – because there was… omg there was lol

      But again… I have amazing people in my life ❤️ I really would not have survived without that. I am very lucky in that aspect. I continue to have amazing people bless my life ❤️

      Thank you very much ❤️ I appreciate that!

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: