So … I’ve been thinking. I want something.
I think? I don’t know?? I’m still thinking.
Maybe I should come back to life?? Maybe it’s time?
I kinda did that whole shut down silence thing. Freaked everyone out 🤨 I just needed peace
The funeral homes… I feel peace with??
It’s kept me safe – and kinda makes me see life more. Helped kinda process through … I enjoy my girls. I like it there. I learn alot
It’s allowed me to um??
Well, I can hide away. Then I have no issues lol ✌️ it lets me stay hidden in the darkness lol 😘✌️
It also lets me just be calm. It’s calm, sad – and emotional sometimes – but you are just calm for those things.
I like it calm. I lost a lot of the energy I had suddenly after that surgery. So I like calm.
I saw something I think I want … and then my home – hmmm there are things I do not like now. Maybe I need new?
I need to find this house…
I actually did find it lol… it is located on a island near Iceland lol … I’m thinking winters are cold. Possibly brutal 😳
I might keep looking lol
But I think maybe… I come back to life …maybe?
While I do love the job I have, and how it has helped me…
I am calm because my spirit was exhausted for a minute …
I needed that silence and peace. I needed to get away. I was done with all of it.
I needed to breathe.
All those blows knocked the wind out of me. So anyway…
Hopefully you can understand cause it’s really hard to explain. That’s how it felt.
Death allowed me to be hidden and collapse even more into silence.
I really scare my people lol… first, I abnormally went completely silent – which freaked them all out 🤨 I just needed peace! But they worry
And then … suddenly I take a job at a funeral home. They all worry – it’s very outside who I was – except with the empathy – I’ve always had that
I just needed peace.
I got that.
What if I went back into life though? 😮
I want that for my spirit… cause I don’t want to lose a brightness I still have. Death is hard to face all the time.
And maybe it’s just time? I think it’s lining up again!! 😮 I don’t know… we see
Ok what could go bad if I came back to life?
It might be time. I don’t know. Thinking
This is the first job I’ve ever had that I wasn’t laughing and smiling all the time. Or cheering people up with laughter
You can’t do that here.
So I don’t know.
It’s just dark… I’m kinda light
I might want to come back to life?
I got to escape and recharge
I am thinking. We see
Learning Life 
I hope you figure out what you’re ready for. Remember that you can change your mind if you don’t like how things turn out! People tend to act like life decisions are final, etched in stone.
I watch Escape To The Country every day… repeats of an approx 2015 UK show about helping people find homes in the countryside. Sooooo many of them ate remote, with tons of land/views. I fantasize about moving there till I realize I’d go nuts without entertainment options… and more than 1 place to drink. I mean, what happens if everyone in the village hates me, or vice versa? Still… soooo pretty!
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I will figure out… I love the peace and beauty of the country. It’s been incredible respite ❤️
I have not stepped back into life in awhile. Over a year now.
But I’ve gotten over some of my things … I’m working towards other things…
I do know I am dangerous with quiet and isolation. I’m still going to want my privacy and I’m still going to be severely cautious.
But I think maybe it’s time, I am getting comfortable in the hidden away aspect… I just like that a lot.
I do not like change – I get comfortable… I know when I went silent, it wasn’t normal. I needed to.
So time has past… maybe time to step back now.
We see what happens – I think I’ll be ok?
I never go out… even before. I don’t date or anything…
I do have a group of guy friends (a couple actually from Massachusetts) we are Red Sox fans … so they always call and ask me to go to games… I had gone a couple times – love hanging with them cause they make me feel like one of them and not a woman they should hit on… so I enjoy going to games with them. I miss baseball! ⚾️
I also want it to be safe if I step back out… I do worry about my ex and his stunts.
But worst case scenario – if it goes back…I have people to catch me if I fall. So I don’t have to worry to much anymore with that.
I don’t think I will fall – but ex is brutal so again I worry. Vengeful – he’s furious I left. Hell bent on teaching me a lesson.
I don’t like him.
But then also I will have to meet with death again someday … so maybe best if I come back into life – until death looks me up again.
I will never get the thing I want if I just stay stagnant because it makes me comfortable.
I am very used to change – from the past 3 years and then here with 2020! It’s annoying but whatever lol
We will see. I think I will aim? See what happens
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That all sounds good (minus scary ex). I wish you luck with whatever you choose!
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Thank you 🥰
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For much differing reasons, I so understand this. x
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