I did not bleed 😘

I went in the pool before dinner ❤️ no one is here… is only me.

Everyone else in this area is away for fourth holiday… I am not quite sure what exactly they think going to be happening for the Fourth…

I don’t think we will have fireworks?? Not sure. I’m just here all by myself ❤️

So I went swimming ❤️

No one is around at all… so I thought would be safe enough to go topless. So I did… yeah not gonna push it. ✌️ just topless. Let’s go slow lol

It was weird. I am so used to just ?? Well, I have just not… ?? I am having trouble with my words. 😝

Since I had my surgery, I just ? Cover?

At first… I was nervous. But is just me… so what harm right?

Why not, it be fine.

So I did.

Once the top was off, it felt good, was relaxed. They didn’t make me feel bad! It actually felt better?

I have a lot of problems with my right side due to nerve damage from all the surgeries. So I hurt sometimes. The water helps, I don’t hurt in the water, I can’t do things like The Stroke 🏊 … I don’t have heavy use at all in that arm and side.

With the top off… I still can’t move properly with that side… but with the water that helps, and then not having it be restricted? It felt really good.

And they didn’t horrify me as much as I thought they would? At home is one thing … I am comfortable there…

And it’s not that I have a body issue – I still love my body!! So it’s not that…

When I look in the mirror at home… I see those scars and what it looks like… which is fine – because I am alive ❤️✌️

It is different. Kinda reminds me of Barbie cause there are no nipples… so that’s weird.

The side I have a problem with… has a scar that goes from the center of my chest to my underarm. It’s massive.

So looking in the mirror, I see that scar. It’s not the body image… it the emotions tied to it… and that scar is huge and very noticeable… you immediately notice I am Barbie with a huge scar on one side

The other side (left) has a scar also… but that side was not as bad, and the scar is small

So I immediately zone in on those scars – that one is just shocking? Well, to me anyway… and then it also flood that emotion like instantly!!! 🤨

Ugh!!! It’s like a freight train you can’t stop it!!! I don’t like those emotions. It just floods those memories in my head.

So I thought if I took off my shirt it might be too much? But it was ok. I didn’t not expect it to be ok like that. And I was comfortable.

It wasn’t so bad… I could handle it ❤️ and I did… and didn’t even burn them ✌️

This might be nothing to you, but is a little big for me.

Those emotions tied to those scars… they are intense… to me because I remember going through all that … so my heart still bleeds? Even though I am happy and thankful and grateful to have survived…

I love life… I loved life itself always… and I am definitely very thankful. So those emotions should not still be there?? They should be gone. But they are not, and like I said, my heart still bleeds.

So I just kinda keep all covered.

It did not make my heart bleed today … Although looking down is way different than looking in a mirror lol ✌️

It just wasn’t so bad today… and I didn’t mind and no one was around ❤️

I wish that would happen more ✌️

I be back… I am off to go check on my friend the Mantis lol ❤️✌️