Peace please …

Alright, so here is what I am coming up against…

Ok… so all that I mentioned before, with this 21 year marriage – it was horrific with him. A nightmare. He will forever be Satan to me. He has zero remorse or any empathy. He is ONLY out for himself – no one else.

Before I left, I went to a place that aids abused women so they can get out… when I say aid… that does not mean money – only emotional support… they told me I could leave and the courts would protect me – was a 21 year marriage – I would be ok – I believed them. They lied

The day I left, I took all the money I saved and went to a lawyers office… I explained was a case of domestic abuse.

He harassed me with 500 text messages – berating me … and even threatening me… that is all in the court files – I never responded

Before my lawyer could file the paper work – he filed first, and he said everything he ever did to me, he said it was me.

The lawyer came with me to an exparté hearing – over custody of kids. They allowed him to have partial custody …

They were supposed to file a restraining order … they were supposed to file for support… they were supposed to do things – I paid them $5000… they did nothing… they filed nothing on my behalf, responded to nothing. Did nothing, except that one hearing… and every second I spoke, coughed or sneezed … that ate up the entire $5000

I was left with nothing but my kids. I had no support, nothing… I had my kids and nothing else – no way to take care of them, and I had friends taking me in constantly…

I am extremely lucky I am a good person and had already done so much for others… when “I” needed people… people were there ❤️ without hesitation!!! People jumped to my aid – I was humbled

Let me tell you… if it was not for all my people – I would not have survived… I wouldn’t … I can’t stress that to you enough – I was at mercy. My people saved me!!

While I had no legal counsel … he did, a slimy one… a devils helper … and he buried me in motion after motion after motion… they were very dirty

Everything he ever filed – says what a horrible person I am, how I was a bad wife and a bad mother, I was a whore/slut whatever … I did this or that… anything bad you could imagine… he said. He even said I did drugs…

He had already been slandering me to friends of his… or anyone who would listen – I remained quiet – I was told to – I listened … they didn’t know me, they believed him without ever knowing me.

We were court ordered to take drug tests … I also requested one from him. He actually has history of that, as well as, alcohol… and he has a history of mental illness which has not been allowed in court.

He only tries to paint me horrible to the courts – and everyone he is able to … I am a goodie goodie – so he has to be dirty to do that

Right away I went and did mine. I passed a 9 panel drug test for drugs and alcohol… I don’t drink or do drugs… I can take a test at any time and pass without any worry.

He never took his, but because I had no legal counsel or anything – even though in contempt of court, no one cared, nothing was done. I wasn’t allowed to speak, I don’t understand

We were ordered to take coparenting classes – I took a class and completed all the hours … he never did… he was never sited

I do every single thing the court requires and asks – right away. He does not. He is dirty – he has been allowed to get away with it

It got to a point I couldn’t survive – I was working a part time job looking for full time work, friends were giving us a place to stay – we bounced … I was homeless. I was at mercy. I still got my daughter to school, still put food in her belly, and always made sure we had a roof

That is not to say there were not moments of terror because there were … I never had to compromise myself or my morals – those stand strong. I had good parents, and I never had to – I keep really amazing people around me ❤️

I was a stay at home mom for over 15 years, it was a 21 year marriage… yet the courts offered zero protection. No restraining order had ever been filed – yet they had some police reports of the domestic violence – I had never had him arrested or pressed charges. My fault.

Because I never had him arrested – I now became at his mercy… and he was relentless…

He was furious I left him – he never thought I would ever leave… where would I go? And he could do whatever he wanted … he thought I was too loyal and I had my Catholic beliefs … I had always stood by him. He believed he could do anything he wanted

I was brought up to believe you stand behind your husband period, the only way to get out of a bad marriage is by adultery – thank the lord above, that he fuckin cheated – he freed me … kept me at his mercy … BUT by cheating, he gave me the freedom to get away from his ass without sin or regret.

I had put up with all the abuse, thinking surely he loved me, if it came down to it medically he would be there for me while I had been for him… I was the mother of his kids… I was soo good to him… it would be better someday – it never was better and he was horrific through my medical things … he didn’t truly care – he stole my medication … and when I needed help he would stand over me and yell horrible things

Going into surgery with the first round with cancer and my first lumpectomy in 2013 – as they were putting me under, he was whispering horrific things in my ear, hoping that I would die and not make it through, telling me how horrible I am… that’s how I went under for surgery.

I stayed and I took that abuse. Stupid – I am embarrassed of that. I was hurt by that… And I suffered because of that!!!!! Never again. Those teachings made me suffer.

I am still catholic – I believe my own way, and I keep to myself with that… I will always be Catholic … for my own self – between me and my own god. Period. I remain catholic in heart only… I pray and I believe – but I am open to my own interpretation and do not believe I fit there. I stay to myself

I’m sorry but that hurt me severely. I was left standing in devastation

When that woman showed up at my door – she freed me. I do not thank her, but I do not blame her either. If it wasn’t her, it would be another… It is him to accept that responsibility for his own actions. He was the one with the vows not her

He is going to make sure I suffer for leaving him.

I was being buried… during all that… I lost my father, had to take control over my mother with Alzheimer’s, lost my grandfather and my grandmother, and I had just had a lumpectomy removing 3 lumps – at that moment I didn’t know could get so devastatingly bad…

He was not giving me any support at all, and so I went on welfare … I took all my paperwork to the welfare office and explained my situation…

I needed my parents so badly

I don’t know anything about the system – I had always believed was good and just… I had never dealt with… so the people at welfare helped me fill out the paperwork – I was in tears while they helped me.

I went into a back to work program… and it was helping …

I had a job interview and landed that job… it was a good job with a brilliant company …

I got the job!!!! Hired on the spot again… and I knew no one at the company – I did that myself!!!

I got that job on a Thursday… Friday the doctor called to tell me was bad…

My thoughts went to my dad… everything we went through with him went through my mind… and now I was about to face sickness and death …

I could not walk over the doctors office threshold without just bursting into tears – I would cry the whole time… the doctor would stop to make sure I was ok…

Look you aren’t gonna be able to stop the sobbing – I can still hear you – just continue talking, I’m taking the words in… ignore the crying … I was going through this all by myself

I was not allowed to tell my mom – it could send her in a terror loop, they told me … I want my mom to have peace – so I kept my mouth shut.

And I also had to be truthful with this new job I got… they had just hired me – I now had to tell them I have cancer – I’m gonna need surgeries and time off … omg

So I was protected by the ADA… American Disabilities Act… so they had to keep me… but my surgeries we not easy and I was never at work … they had me resign under medical pretenses – that way I can be rehired if they have openings.

I had been on welfare for 3 months … right before I got that job… I didn’t get much at all… and they went after him for money…

He doesn’t want to pay a dime, so he turned around and accused me of welfare fraud… threatening to have me arrested!!!!!!! I don’t even know how to commit fraud!!!!!!!!!!! I didn’t understand and I was not protected… I don’t know how they did that? I don’t understand

My middle son, he is my child and I love him without fault. But he chose money and laziness over me, which allowed my ex to have full custody of my second son… and without a job I still had to pay child support – they took that out of my daughters support – so I only got $100 a month. Alimony was very little too… he makes really good money … I was getting $500 – NOT that it’s about money – but Oh my god! – you try even surviving on that… food gas anything else! Even working I couldn’t survive!!!

One of my people had, had enough… and took me to a lawyers office and paid the retainer. I cry with umm?? Thankfulness – I don’t even know the words to use there? I am speechless with umm?? gratitude forever!!!

So this lawyer steps in… she tells me it’s gonna be ok, she makes me sign over my son so I don’t lose both my son and my daughter – I collapsed in tears that day and ran out of the courtroom crying – I was in full panic – couldn’t breathe and that was my child – my heart broke in 2 that day. 💔 it was devastating

He was a teenager – I have morals and rules – I am not strict… I am loving and kind always – but I do require to have morals and work ethic… not be lazy – “help out” do stuff …

But my ex allows the kids to do whatever they want, does not father them… requires nothing of that… he doesn’t know what’s going on in their lives and spends no time with them… they have no rules there… he has never been there for them.

My oldest helps them, not their father… when I am not there – my oldest is like their second father anyway… cause their real father is Satan. He lavishes them with expensive gifts and anything they want… without any rules – there is nothing I can do – I am at mercy.

The way you kill me – is through my children- he knows this completely – and that’s where he aims

My second child has no drive or care. My ex encourages that so he continues to have power and there is nothing I can do but keep my arms open.

My ex tried to get the courts to have me pay him child support for the 26 yr old!!! He’s dirty – thankfully they did not allow that. But he tried!!

Then I had my first surgery… that was a whirlwind- I had zero time to think. They moved fast with the cancer…

He was trying to get me taken off the insurance so I would not be able to have the surgeries I needed…

Court stepped in… the one and only time they protected me…

They ordered him to leave me alone until I was through the cancer – everything was placed on hold. He did not leave me alone. There was no protection

On my final and biggest surgery … he switched insurance a month prior and never told me… he was still paying my medical.

4 days before my surgery they inform me – insurance had been cancelled …

We had Kaiser… they had a whole treatment plan and had fucked up with something really bad… there would be a lawsuit if it was not fixed.

Our insurance was now Aetna …

This was 4th of July weekend – I had 4 days during a holiday weekend to get Aetna to cover a Kaiser surgery… and Kaiser to allow that… I was a wreck and a mess and I hurt… I was alone in that.

I was put through the ringer right to the moment they took me into the operating room. Do you have any idea how stressful that was – I could feel the stress chemicals releasing in my body!!!

I collapsed with exhaustion into that surgery.

But I did it… I won… it was my first win in 3 years… I got to have the surgery. ❤️

I have an oncologist… he always tells me – no stress for you… lol… as if I have any control. I laugh and say “ok I’ll try” … I have no control over that!! That’s life

I was still homeless and my oldest son cared for me after surgery… he had to see everything ☹️ – because he had to take care of my bandages, help me bathe and my medications and all of it … my oldest is my savior ❤️ I was exhausted!!

Anyway- that was finally over… I was now cancer free and I didn’t have to do that anymore ❤️

I had no time to just recover – because I finished that surgery – he fully came after me again – not giving me a minute to breathe… I could not waste anytime recovering… I was still in pain but I couldn’t just do nothing!! I had to move fast!! Cancer kept me down too long!!! It was hard, I was still in pain

He was on a mission to make sure he crushed me. Make sure I never do any good without him. I work VERY hard to make that is NOT true!

I found a job I wanted – with the school… this would be part of the government – I knew no one, and it was with kids so highly sensitive and you needed 3 letters of reference among other things …

I turned to my police… here is one of those letters they wrote for me… I was humbled ❤️

That alone landed me that school job… I went into that as a job, but then those kids helped me heal, helped me fit in ❤️ … I love and miss those kids so much ❤️

Those kids never knew what I went through, or what they meant to me or how they impacted my life – I was not allowed to get personal, they could, but I couldn’t … they really helped my soul to heal ❤️ with them, I smiled laughed and had peace.

Sometimes you don’t know what others go through… and little gestures mean the world to someone.

Anyway… It was only part time… but I had just had surgery – no one even knew that at the school – I didn’t tell anyone. It was personal and I had gone severely silent personally

Right after that surgery – I fell off the face of the earth with everyone. I silenced and withdrew.

I was also afraid he was going to come after my daughter if I could not provide her with our own home.

I can’t do a roommate cause I am afraid, I don’t trust and I have a child… I couldn’t afford most places.

I found my landlord online… immediately she liked me… we both went through breast cancer and we both lost someone we loved in 2017 (my dad / her husband) … so we fit – I liked her too. She was kind.

It’s not the greatest place to live – it’s falling apart – kind of a slum… but it’s a roof. I didn’t care – she was letting me move in with just the rent payment – no security deposit and no first and last… it was all I could afford – I’ve made it a home as much as I can.

It was in the country far away from everyone and everything… I just wanted peace.

He continued to come after me and file things that were awful against me…

He continued to make me panic… he always got pleasure from my pain… that is not over yet… he is not a man… I tell you he is Satan

I do not speak badly about anyone – but him – after everything yes, he is Satan 100% – him and his lawyer are dirty… they pull every dirty trick they can…

He was court ordered to pay my lawyer and didn’t … she did nothing to protect me because she was not being paid and I did not have the money to pay her, I could barely afford food… I couldn’t afford clothing – I had to save to get anything… some moments I went hungry so my daughter could eat. My clothes and shoes fall apart. Any money I could save, went for my daughter.

Friends donated clothes and things to me ❤️

In the meantime, while I was struggling and starving – he was buying himself new cars, spoiling the kids, and taking full vengeance out on me

He again applied pressure with ruthless abandon …

I rushed to find another job – I had a lot of pain in my heart?

I thought maybe I could use that pain to my advantage? Where would my pain be useful… and I thought funeral home because of my devastating losses. I knew I could help others through things… I felt like it would help me through my own losses while helping others. I felt like there would be peace in a funeral home.

I had no experience in this area, none… and I knew no one… how would I do this?

I found a funeral home looking for help – I knew like with the school … I was gonna need to stand out… how do I do that…

So I wrote to them. I told them my story of loss and how I have empathy… the words I wrote worked… literally within seconds they called me and wanted my resume… I sent it, and they again called immediately for an interview.

I had the interview … sent a thank you card… and evidentially I made an impression because they all like me and hired me…

Finally I was gonna stand up a little bit … I was doing it, I was gonna be ok… that was in February

A few weeks later, in March Corona hit – and pushed me back down. I lost my school, all I had was this funeral home… thank you god!

I am very traumatized by everything – my heart bleeds very badly … which is where the emotion comes from – is hard to swallow all of that.

Being in the same room with him makes me panic… and through all of this – I have never been allowed to speak or have my say…

I have always been told “keep your mouth shut” and I have listened only to be beaten up.

My oldest had helped me survive before I got the funeral home…

And in January my ex made me get all my things – I have no where to put them where I live… so my son pays for storage for me, I can not afford.

And assets … I gave the court a list… he say I don’t want it she can have it come get it… is everything all furniture – anything we owned … cause he knows I have no where to put it and he doesn’t want to pay. So he does that.

I still pay child support on the 18 yr old – already graduated – but I still pay… that is my child… and the lawyer did nothing about that… again she was not paid… I was battling through cancer, other losses and trying to stand up- so this will be first time I be able fix that too- he will be furious

Then suddenly because of Corona… she informed me 2 weeks ago – she is retiring due to Corona and will no longer be representing me … so once again I have no legal counsel. I am at his mercy, and the courts

I walk in there alone. I am scared – and I am trying to swallow all the emotions – I am losing my mom and have fear here with this.

It’s been blatant… he has been allowed to used the courts to continue the abuse – I have been at his mercy. The courts have allowed this!!! I am beside myself they would allow.

During everything – I have never said a bad word – I was told to keep my mouth shut … I never threw mud… they told me it will look better on you…

And then I do believe good wins over evil – I do not play dirty – I tell the truth… if I went by my experiences… the truth is not cared about here in America – only money and greed.

They told me it would be ok… I would be protected – I was not protected … it was not ok…

I spent 3 years homeless trying to stand up… losing everything I had… I had to start from scratch – I’m still not done standing

I fought through devastating losses and cancer – while still battling Satan… AND still being a mom!!!

On Friday – I go up against Satan … I have to be in the same room, breathing the same air… all by myself – no legal counsel again…

I am afraid he will crush me.. this is the first time ever I will be speaking, and on my own.

I need to get my words in order and make sure those emotions do not bleed through.

I don’t believe in the system, I don’t trust the courts, I don’t trust the government, and I don’t trust religion. I believe in god for my own self. Not because anyone tells me how to believe. I am hard on men because if anyone is going to come close to me – they better be a good person and have a good heart – I am not going to be easy – I’m worth it, but won’t be easy

We see what happens Friday.

Either he will finish the job and crush me… or I can do this. But seeing the way America protects its people, I am nervous. I most certainly don’t trust.

I am sorry if you don’t agree with the ways I feel … it is through my experiences that brought me here…

I am open to listening – but my feelings run very deep and very harsh, you are always welcome to comment

It truly was the people in my life, who have saved my life many times over. ❤️

In the courts – they don’t know who I am, they don’t care. If I show any emotion at all – it could cost me everything – so I MUST be stone

So I am afraid

I just keep quiet cause people are afraid of these severe emotions and some believe the system is fine – must be a problem with “me”. Couldn’t possibly be the system being broken – cause everyone wants to ignore that.

Friday will be a test… which side ? Good or evil?

So let’s see how this is gonna go

My life depends on Friday. So I am scared.

And that would be my story. That’s it… that’s everything.

I stand solid, I was a good mom – my children know this… I never question that… I am a good person – I don’t have to prove that to anyone

But I am hurt, and I am exhausted – and I want peace… I want to be fully free from him.

So we will see how Friday goes… I will either be happy- or devastated more.

2 thoughts on “Peace please …

Add yours

  1. Do everything you can. Don’t give up. Don’t be meek or gentle. You need a legal counsel, otherwise you will be at a disadvantage. Protect yourself and your rights and your treasure (children). It is a battle. You are right about sneezing costs money and they don’t help you – I work in a law office! If a lawyer doesn’t help get another one. Get one you are comfortable with. Don’t get one who can’t speak to you as a friend. You have great intuition for this. They do help! Be the boss. They do cost a lot (negotiate with them and set up a payment plan), but don’t be shy asking for supports again from friends and everyone (as your people has already helped). Use your cowboy friend and cop friend and even people on here (set up a gofundme). It is not a romantic thing to ask guys who once showed interest in you, but ask them to help you anyway. Talk to your boss and neighbors and landlord. Everyone! Sorry don’t be a private person. You got to do this.

    Get a court restraining order and all other stuffs you mentioned. You might think they fight dirty – the lawyer is doing his job for his client, unfortunately. You need to fight like them, it is not dirty. You showed you are a good person and harbor no ill will. Just protect yourself and your children. Your transformation from someone helpless and not worked before to one surviving things is already pretty amazing, just a little bit more. Show them you can stand on your own! 🙏

    You only get peace once this is over.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t give up… I have fought soooo hard!!

      I am a gentle person in general – that is who I am… I do not know how to be ruthless – I am a bleeding heart ? I am better helping others than doing this.

      Friday when I go in one of the first things I’m gonna mention is not having legal counsel and the fact that he won’t pay anyway even when court ordered. Why would he – that is not in his best interest.

      It pains me to ask for help… very much cause I feel at mercy of… and indebted.

      I thought about the go fund me – but then my privacy goes out the window.. and so many women are on there asking for same…

      Right now… I don’t see people wanting to help those situations cause that’s the bed you made?

      I do need to learn to let go of privacy ☹️

      Can I still get a restraining order this late? It’s been 3 years – it was paused because of my cancer.

      Yeah I will only have peace when is over – I just hope can be over – been a nightmare!! It keeps me up with worry sometimes ☹️


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